The beautiful Becky Larsen with her daughters Annabelle (4) and Claire (6 months). Becky participated in the project previously to share her entrance to motherhood as well as the death of her son Isaac (would be 2). You can see her image and read her previous bio here: http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/becky-larson/
After Isaac's death Becky struggled with the desire to get pregnant right away but knew at first it was that she wanted to be pregnant with him again. That she simply wanted him to be here as her baby, not that she was ready for a new baby. After months of grieving she found herself in the place where she did feel ready to add to her family only to find her cycles out of sync. A few months later, around Easter, Becky had been ill and spotting and a friend suggested she take a pregnancy test. To her surprise, the test was positive and she immediately embraced this pregnancy as a new baby. While they were hesitant to tell anyone, she began planning for her pregnancy and birth. She even called her doula and birth photographer and began thinking of names. Becky's spotting never ceased, however, and soon turned to bleeding. She kept testing until one came back negative and she found she had miscarried. Becky spiraled into another bout of complex grief. She had now lost a baby in labor at full term, and another very early on which led to an amazingly emotional time for her. Claire was conceived after one more cycle and while her pregnancy went well, Becky says there wasn't a milestone marker or time throughout that she felt safe. Having lived it, she knew that the potential for loss was there at any point.
Becky's first birth was a traumatic cesarean and her stillbirth son arrived via a home birth to hospital transfer (VBAC with vacuum assistance). After much contemplating she realized she had made the choice to birth at home out of fear after having a poor experience in hospital and so she made the choice this time, trepidatiously, to choose a midwife who practiced in a hospital environment. Becky labored and progressed without intervenion but Claire wasn't descending properly even after trying a wide variety of positions. There came a point when it just hit her that her baby was not going to come out vaginally. She talked with her husband and doula and ultimately decided to call it and deliver again via cesarean. Becky had a lot of wishes for her hospital delivery and says that to her surprise quite a few of them were respected. The anesthesiologist walked her through everything that was happening as her baby was born and though they wrapped Claire up before bringing her over they did not remove her vernix which was one of her wishes. To her disappointment Becky was forced to separate from her baby for recovery but her doula was allowed to remain by her side. When Becky was brought to her room Claire was there already waiting for her and they have been able to establish breastfeeding very well even after working through a tongue tie revision.
After Becky's last session she struggled with feeling like it just hadn't been the right time. Her photo, while beautiful and seemingly happy, was taken during a time that she was still struggling with so much and the loss of her son was very fresh. Becky has been through so much and dealt with even more loss, growth and transitions in the past year and a half. She says that she was so happy to be in a place eager to share this new part of her story and capture herself with her daughters in a moment that feels so right. She has her first born, her son lost at term, the baby they never got to know lost so early and now her beautiful rainbow baby. "I can't say we're complete but it just feels full circle" she says.