The magnificent Marije Ruitenburg with her daughter Sanne (2) Marije was able to conceive without complication and imagined that it would be a wonderful time. However, she reacted poorly to the pregnancy hormones and while her daughter was very healthy, she was sick all of the time and her hands became almost entirely immobilized due to worsening carpal tunnel. To make things more complex, Marije had a job she loved at the time that she lost due to her pregnancy and was unable to get rehired by anyone else. She went from feeling like she had just started the best chapter to feeling quite defeated.
When Sanne hadn't arrived at 41 weeks Marije went into hospital for an induction. She labored over three days but her daughter just wasn't coming out. She was told there was a very small risk of umbilical prolapse but that it was just that, a very small risk. Her daughters heart rate began to decelerate during contractions and ultimately her heart stopped altogether, as her umbilical cord became compressed. Marije had just received an epidural but they had to put her under entirely for Sanne's arrival. Her daughter was resuscitated without further complication and while Marije's surgery went well, she was terrified when she woke up alone without her baby.
Marije had planned to breastfeed but her daughter could not suck and latch and she wasn't producing anything when she pumped so she switched to formula. The right choice for her, but a choice that coupled with her cesarean birth led to her feeling like quite a failure. When Sanne came home, Marije was unable to care for her due to the lack of mobility in her hands and once her husband returned to work, had to have someone come in during the day to help her. At 10 weeks old, when Sanne was old enough to go to day care she had to take her there, while she sat home all day, just to know she was cared for. Thankfully, when her daughter was around 4 months old, Marije was able to have her back home and has since been able to spend a lot of time with her.
The feelings of failure have passed and Marije now realizes that the things that happened in those early moments with her daughter are just the things that happened and not anything that she could control. She is grateful to have just stared her own business which has allowed her to do the things that she loves while she has the flexibility to also care for her daughter.