The marvelous Madison Young and sweet baby Astrid. Madison says that she always wanted to be mother. Ever since she was a little girl she's planned to parent, stay home with her children and homeschool them. It was so important to her that she made sure to discuss children with new partners as she dated them. She always thought motherhood would be something that was carefully planned for so it was quite a shock when she and her current partner conceived unexpectedly. She struggled with the consideration of abortion while knowing it wasn't what she wanted but also feeling like it was something she couldn't talk openly about. They chose to keep their child and she was incredibly sick with hyperemisis gravidarum through much of her pregnancy. She struggled with her mental health in the prenatal period as well and didn't feel fully supported. Madison is a survivor of childhood abuse and had a lot of issues resurface through her motherhood journey. In battling depression and anxiety, she wishes in retrospect that her care providers had discussed medications and options that were available outside of talk therapy to help her through this transition.
Madison says that even though she had a birth that was all in all what many women desire, there were many moments she felt disrespected and out of control. Intense was the best word she could find to describe it. Astrid was born in a birthing center, in the water and Madison was able to catch her and pull her up to her chest. She initiated breastfeeding but struggled to find connection with her. She felt confused and distanced and while she had expected to suddenly feel like a mother, she didn't feel. Madison continued to struggle at home with new baby and found herself unable to get up and out and do things. She just wanted to sleep and sit and she was sad and angry. When Astrid was about a month old, she developed an infection in her chest similar to mastitis and as Madison and her partner rushed her to the ER, they were in a car accident. They spent the weekend in the hospital and Astrid had to undergo surgery. There was a moment in the experience of Madison having to hand her daughter over for the operation and then getting her back that flooded her with those feelings she'd been waiting for at her birth. She like Astrid's mother. She felt connected.
Madison has since begun taking medication for her depression and anxiety though she laments how long it took for someone to help her identify that she was actually depressed. She and Astrid continue to have a breastfeeding relationship and Madison is enjoying it more now than when she was a newborn. While she is still trying to get a place where she can say she loves herself and doesn't feel guilty, where she knows it's not the fault it's here goal to get there. She's doing this for herself and for her daughter in hopes that someday she look back on this and see what a badass her mom is and was.