Ashley Symons (35) and Hendrix (almost 3)
New Jersey. Photographed in West Springfield, Mass.
“The current softness of my body mimics the softness of my soul - a gift which motherhood has provided me. ”
Ashley shares -
"Some days I view my body as incredibly strong, powerful and beautiful. It has created life and birthed a child. It has and continues to nourish a toddler and provide lots of snuggles and wrestling take-downs. Some days I look at the imperfections that pregnancy and childbirth have left on my body with a sense of pride. The current softness of my body mimics the softness of my soul - a gift which motherhood has provided me.
Other days I look at my body with frustration. I miss my pre-motherhood body. My muscles have been hidden and my abs haven't been felt in over 3 years. Its those days that I feel disgusted with myself. I get annoyed that I don't have time time to go to the gym because I would prefer to hang at home playing superhero and monster games. I am frustrated that I want to share hot chocolate with my son instead of a protein shake. I wish I had time to cook completely healthy dinners but sometimes (okay all of the time) mac n cheese and pasta are really the only things my son eats right now. So my body looks the way it does because of me -and that's what really annoys me the most. I am the one to blame, no one else.
I am choosing to put my fitness journey on the back burner because I know these years are fleeting. I want my son to remember all of the fun adventures we have had and creating that perfect gym body just doesn't fit into my life right now. I know that one day, I will have the opportunity to focus on my body. Any maybe when that opportunity does finally arrive, I won't find the need to make any changes to my mom-bod.
{My postpartum journey} wasn't that difficult. I slept when my son slept, I nursed him when he cried, and held him on my chest 24 hours a day. But soon, that constant "touching" became increasingly frustrating. He nursed 24 hours a day and no one could hold him by me. I read every blog post, parenting book, and internet article I could find. I tried sleep training to no avail. How are all these babies peacefully sleeping in their cribs for 12 hours a night? My son would wake the second I even had the thought of putting him down. Then my cousin, Meredith, gave me some amazing advice. "Just go with the flow" She promising me the following....."One day my baby would sleep, one day my baby wouldn't need to be held 24/7, and one day I would miss it." Once I embraced her advice, which I didn't completely believe or always follow, life got so much easier! But one thing I am still completely shocked by is how all-encompassing motherhood is. People said it was hard - I just never believed them.
My one piece of advice is inspired by the "Just go with the flow" advice I received. My advice would be to throw away the parenthood rule book and follow your heart". Once you start following your heart, parenting comes naturally. I will make many mistakes as a parent, but responding to my sons needs will not be one of them. Bed sharing, nursing into toddlerhood, responding his cries, and validating his emotions seems so natural. I mother him from my heart.... and my heart never has any doubt as to whether or not I'm making a mistake.
My truth: The thing I hate most about being a mother is how much love I feel for another person. That love is an intense and unconditional feeling that drives me crazy. I worry about things I never used to worry about. I have fears that my pre-mom self would have thought irrational and silly. Motherhood has made me care so much that it sometimes hurts. I wasn't prepared for how much my heart would grow.
My younger sister really wanted to participate in this project. We were never really close until we had our sons who were born 4 months apart. Now we are so close that our sons consider themselves brothers. I couldn't just leave her to do this project solo! So I took this as an opportunity to confront my inner negative voice and hopefully silence it. My sister was always the one with the better body so doing this project is incredibly challenging for me. Her pre-pregnancy body, pregnancy body, and postpartum body is nothing like mine. By participating, at the very least, I am hoping to accept my body for what it is (imperfections and all). But if I'm truly being honest, I am hoping that by participating, I will begin my journey of learning how to embrace and love my new body."