Christie Fischer (35), Sid (almost 3) and Marigold (4 months)
Boston, MA | Photographed in Portland, ME
Christie shares -
"I had a chemical pregnancy after my honeymoon. I have never really talked about it, as we were not ready to be parents. I felt guilty when I was relieved it didn't come to fruition.
This is my body today. It was totally different a year ago and will be totally different a year from now. I used to think it was stagnant. A mold to be kept and chiseled instead of constantly in motion. It changes with life's seasons and stories. Motherhood has etched itself all over my body. My sturdy thighs are encased in cellulite, my breasts filled from an A to DD with milk. My belly hangs as it slowly finds its way back from it's pregnant past. There is no bouncing back. There is only softness. A cozy place for my babies to find home, inside and out.
The transition from 1 to 2 was challenging and isolating. I was weighed down by the feeling that I couldn't give my all to both- that they were each only getting pieces of me. I felt I was letting my son down by introducing this tiny human who was constantly on his mother's body. I felt I was letting my daughter down by not giving her the gift of endless couch laden hours, learning each other and soaking each other in. Some days are still hard, and I feel the ghosts of postpartum depression past creeping in around the periphery. And then other days we are a solid unit, going about our day.
I would give myself and others equal parts gratitude, patience and compassion. I am convinced that 90% of my mothering day is spent with guilt that I am doing it all wrong. All we can do is the very best in the circumstances and moments we are given.
I have participated twice before - and told myself I wouldn't again. I have intimately shared this journey through motherhood with my sister in law. I watched her struggle to become a mother and she stood by me as I navigated the earth shattering newness. She is a friend and confidante who doesn't judge and is gently honest when need be. With her encouragement, I come back, actually IN my fourth trimester, wearing a body I typically drape in flowing dresses and hide under sweatpants. This is real. This is what I really look like when I am journeying back from my pregnant self. It's neither good, or bad, but simply is."