Genevieve Hall (31) and Scout (1.5)
Genevieve shares -
“My husband and I attempted the whole get pregnant thing for about 5 years - the doctors said I had cysts all over my uterus. It is interesting how I was totally cool with a very transactional doctor until I wanted to be pregnant - then I realized my doctor was horrible and kind of mean. So, I shopped around for doctors - I went through a lot of sad days thinking "okay, kids are not in my future". We actually decided to go through with fostering to adopt - we had one class left and then "boom" pregnant. I was really shocked and kind of upset actually because my life was going one way and then not so much.
Pregnancy was fucking tough.
I felt like hell most of the time and kind of embarrassed - like a big light was shining on me and I wanted to step into the darkness. I became super depressed at the end of it. I think I stopped eating very much and I only gained about 20 lbs during pregnancy, looking back I looked good but I was in a dark place. After becoming a parent and finally going on some antidepressant medication - I felt like a fucking warrior and that I looked awesome. I am still breastfeeding and I have finally started to feel a bit out of sorts with my body - I thought I would start to feel better about things but my body just is not quite what it was. I am for sure stronger though.
Postpartum was also rough - I wish that they would have told us about how depressed you can get. I felt so angry that I was just not doing anything right and I wanted others to feel how pissed I was and how hard it is to be a fucking parent. Good god it is the best and worst thing. Your whole identity is shoved aside and you have to figure out how you fit into this new role and find yourself again - the mom guilt is real - holy shit it is real.
My expectations were that it would be a lot easier after giving birth - that was so not the case - the hard part is when they hand you this little baby and you don't feel that love thing that you think you are supposed to feel and the nurse is telling you that you are not figuring this breastfeeding thing out and maybe you should try some formula. My daughter was breech and with the help of my midwives I was able to find a doctor about an hour away that would deliver breech - such a fantastic experience but man that warrior feeling only can sustain you so far. I would say I did not really love my kid until 4 months in.
She is now almost 2 and I just can't say enough good stuff about parenthood. It is super hard but very very fun. It is amazing watching a little creature gather information and watch your partner move into a new role. Our relationship is very fun and the kid just adds even more fun. Seriously the ups and downs are so wild being a parent.
I had a great birth - like super super great - empowering and I was heard through the whole thing - my options were there and people listened to me. Postpartum, not so much. I want people to know that the 4th trimester is tough and there is help out there - therapy and meds really have helped me - ARE helping me - It is okay to ask for help and it is okay to feel like two people split in half. It is okay to still be you and be a parent. It is okay to not love your kid right out of the womb or wherever they come from - that feeling will come with time.”