Kate Rawley Warters (36) and Edith (2)
Denver, CO / San Antonio, TX | Photographed in Austin, TX
Kate shares - "{Parenthood} has improved my body image vastly. It has given me pride in my body, and increased my awareness of my own behaviors toward my body and others's bodies as I strive to model body-positive and kind behaviors for my daughter.
I expected to love postpartum, and was SHOCKED at how challenging, overwhelming and lonely I felt. In hindsight, there was probably some postpartum depression happening. My birth was long and disappointing, ending in cesarean after 36 hours of labor (26 hours unmedicated). My cesarean was traumatic, as the epidural lost effectiveness and I could feel sharp pain during the procedure. I cried and yelled expletives on the table, as I was certain my birth canal was being torn out through my incision. Now I know that feeling was my daughter's head being removed from it's confines wedged deeply and stuck in my pelvis. (She was born with an incredible cone head).
I started postpartum exhausted and feeling like a failure due to the surgical birth, despite love and support from my husband, my family, my doula and my OBGYN. We immediately had latching and nursing problems. At 6 days postpartum, I was bullied by our pediatrician and forced to give my daughter a bottle of formula in her office under threat of being reported to child protective services, even though I was under the active care of an IBCLC lactation consultant and my daughter was still in the normal/healthy range of behaviors indicating she was not in danger. Feeling pressured and not knowing any other options, we went on a 24 hour bottle feeding marathon to bring Edith's weight up to the pediatrician's standards. My milk came in that night, but my daughter (who already had latching challenges due to birth canal trauma) never recovered from her nipple confusion, and she never nursed. We tried diligently for 6 weeks with a lactation consultant, before we all agreed she was to be a bottle baby. I pumped breastmilk for the first 8 months of her life, and we also supplemented with formula.
Again, I hadn't expected an struggle or inability to feed her with my body, and this reality knocked my confidence and filled me with more guilt and shame. To compensate, I vowed to pump and give her as much breastmilk as possible. I pumped religiously every 3 hours day and night, although I never succeeded in producing enough to give her exclusively breastmilk. In hindsight, the pumping was a greater stress than it was a benefit. The schedule was oppressive, preventing me from being able to leave my house or feel like I could get anything done or enjoy my baby. There was so much cleaning to keep things sanitary. So much stationary sitting strapped to a machine. And a general sense of disgust at my body watching my nipples sucked in and out of plastic funnels.
I did not bond with my daughter right away, which violated every expectation I had for myself and also gave me incredible guilt and shame. I wanted and anticipated the experience I see in so many birth stories - the mother weeping tears of joy and pure love as she holds her freshly birthed baby to her chest for the first time. My birth and early days were so bleary with exhaustion, tinged with pain, so overwhelmed by nursing and pumping obligations, and marred by feelings of guilt and maternal failure. Luckily, my husband had the joyful weeping, unconditional love, and new parent euphoria to carry us through those early days. My love for Edith grew over time, and today she is my light and love and the center of everything I hold dear. I am certain I love her now with all the passion many mothers are lucky to feel all at once. It just took me longer to get there.
I am 9 weeks pregnant with our second child. He was conceived by IVF, and we are so grateful to be expecting again. I look forward with great anticipation to this postpartum period, because I believe my expectations are more realistic. We will have a repeat cesarean, and I know how to prepare for that experience. I hope to breastfeed, but if it doesn't happen, I know how to approach formula or pumping with the attitude that fed is best. Most of all, I know how to be gentler to myself, how to give myself permission to pause and enjoy the little moments, and how everything will come together, even if it takes time. My love of Edith gives me a map to know how much I will love our special little guy, whether it happens the moment he is born, or months into our relationship.
Our bodies are our own, here as vessels to allow us to live our best lives. It is possible to be loved, to love, and to live a life of pleasure and fulfillment in a body that is far from perfect. Your body shape and size need not be a limiting factor in your ability to be happy. But most of us must resolve to adopt this attitude and fight social pressures to live this truth. It's not easy or instinctive.
I have been plus sized my entire life. I am sometimes filled with shame and regret in my body. But I work to combat this feeling. I cultivate community that supports the truth that all bodies are good bodies. I have a partner who loves me and my body and treats me with respect and desire. I live a life full of activity, travel, adventure, community and love. My body hosted a perfectly healthy plus sized pregnancy. My daughter is healthy.
I believe one of the most important roles I have in raising my children is to impart on them the ability to recognize socially-derived judgement or shame, and combat it in pursuit of a higher truth. My job is to teach them how to know themselves, believe in themselves, trust themselves, and stand up for themselves. I want to model these behaviors, cultivate them in my children, and in doing so make our world just a little bit better for everyone.
The online birth, postpartum and parenting community was so important to my own processing and healing;¬ after birth and in my transition to motherhood. But because it's online, it can also feel distant and removed. I am excited to participating in this experience and bring my story to the movement in hopes that it furthers my connection to other parents. I am also eager to transition into someone who can give to the community, and not just receive from.