Jennifer Habjan (32), Holden (3), and Henry (8 months)
Oak Park, IL
Jennifer shares -
"{Postpartum body image} has been a constant battle. I was just beginning to get to a place where I liked my body, and then, BAM! Pregnant. In between, I had a brief period, of constant discipline and working out, where I felt like it was possible to love it again, but I was ducking out on family time to get there. Now, with baby #2 I have been struggling again. It is hard to not compare myself to others. Thanks to social media, I am constantly seeing others who have had kids and look super skinny and cute, and I can’t help but think, “What did I do wrong?” I try to remind myself, multiple times a day, “Not every body is the same. We all have different body types and struggles. My body tells its own story. Each spot, line, scar. It created two beautiful lives. I am healthy and safe.” Not easy, and not always successful, but it helps remind me to stop, and look again. All I can do is try.
Both boys as newborns were relatively easy, looking back. In the moment though, I felt scared all the time. Holden wouldn’t latch. The first day was so so, but after that, he refused. I felt like a failure. We tried for hours on end with no luck. They finally fed him some formula, and got me acquainted with the pump. I struggled with feeling like a failure for months. I pumped exclusively, and felt like I could never get ahead, which made me feel worse. He was gaining weight normally, but I still was pump to baby for awhile and it was exhausting. I stopped blaming myself, realized he was still getting what he needed, just in a different way. I eventually got ahead in pumping and made it the full (long) year.
Holden also had a mild case of hip dysplasia as a result of being breech. Putting him in the harness at 1 month old really made me feel helpless. Everyone says “they won’t remember” or try to comfort you, but you feel terrible. He was just beginning to sleep longer at night, then with the brace, everything changed. Every time his body would relax, the harness would jerk him awake. His feet couldn’t touch at the same time as his shoulders. He wound up sleeping on his stomach only. Everyone gave us a hard time about this, and while I understood the concern, this was the only way he would get to sleep without us holding him, and we needed sleep, too. After the first month, we asked if there was a different brace option for him, and that made a huge difference. His hips are fine now.
Henry came out screaming. With all the screaming, we didn’t notice for a a few hours, that he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. He spent his first two days in the NICU. Even knowing he was going to be alright, and that they were just keeping him there to get him extra oxygen until his levels came up, it was devastating. While he actually latched and fed from me, I feel like I missed out on bonding time with my baby. His levels came back up and he has done well since.
Going from one to two has been a constant struggle. We talked about the new baby constantly for weeks before I went to the hospital to deliver. In the end, sharing the attention of your parents with another child is different from all the talk and preparation for the reality. The first few weeks were rough. Constantly acting out to get attention. We talked about things a lot. Eventually it got better. The first month and a half to two months were the hardest. Then it just got easier. Baby was sleeping better, and so were we. We still have issues over needing attention on the part of both kids, but we have gotten better at balancing out needs. Some days are better than others. A lot of little talks. A lot of patience running thin. A lot of new gray hairs. A lot of new memories. A lot more love overall.
I have been struggling with my new realities as a mom, and now as a mom of two, and all that is coming with it. I am grateful for my kids and wish I had more pictures that showed our intimate moments. I discovered 4TBP at the start of the year, and immediately was drawn in. I am not alone. Everyone has a struggle, some battle that they are fighting. The families I saw made me happy and envious of their strength. I wanted to be a part of that. I have gone back and forth with signing up, but not the bullet. I am excited and nervous for this. I am working on my inner strength and trying to become my best self, and this is a big step in that process. I want to remind myself of the strength that I have within me and the reason why I fight to be better everyday."