Sogol Sadrmajles (30) and Abigail Laili-Rose Sa'd
Sogol is the child of Iranian Refugees | Photographed in Toronto, ON
Sogol shares -
“We had one chemical pregnancy during the time we were trying to conceive. As an individual with PCOS I was terrified becoming a mother wouldn't happen. Within 10 months of trying we found out we were pregnant.
I love my body now more than ever. Always on the heavier side, my weight has always been an issue for me and my family members would comment. Finding out about PCOS, made me hate my body more. I even told my partner after the diagnoses that he was free to leave the relationship. Fortunately, he never questioned his willingness to stay in the relationship.
Years later when we were ready to start our family - I doubted if my body was up to the challenge. If I'd ever carry life. I worked as a doula and surrogacy support worker. One weekend during a surrogacy retreat, at a group fear release, I thanked the women in the room for being so giving of themselves and bodies. That it was because of them I was able to release the fear of never becoming a mother. It was less than 48 hours later I found out I was pregnant. Since that moment I have loved my body. She is amazing, she is beautiful. I covet my curves, I love my stretch marks. I am even growing to appreciate the scar from our abdominal birth.
My postpartum experience has been some of the most difficult time of my life thus far. Hit with a financial crisis during my pregnancy, my husband and I had to move into his mother's house. It was difficult moving with a 5 week old newborn into someone else's space. Accompanied by our extremely difficult birth, I was dealing with the trials of being a first time mom, with a slow recovery from an abdominal birth. Emotionally, I was fatigued - I was encouraged to speak to a professional. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I was irritable, manic, and angry.
My relationship with my daughter was amazing, however, I would lash out if I was separated from her for even a short period of time. I was (still am) anxious about everything. My anxiety would turn into fear and my fear would turn into anger. Growing up there was never any stability in our housing situation. I was felt guilt and fear about not giving my daughter a stable home. I am still dealing with my anxiety, while trying to be mindful and present raising my daughter and being a partner to my spouse.
I started following this movement years ago. As a postpartum doula, I loved the concept, and the imagery. However, after my traumatic birth I unfollowed anything baby, pregnancy, birth related. Everything was a trigger to the series of unfortunate events that lead to our birth and early postpartum. Today, I am doing this to reclaim the glory I once took from being a doula and birth support worker. I am doing this to show myself how much I love my body now. I am doing this to be apart of something authentic.
To pre baby Sogol - I want her to relax. I want her to love herself, all of herself. As a new parent, I want every new mom to realize that it's all fucked. And I mean that in the most loving way. I've had the most authentic conversations with other new parents only to realize that we are all dealing with our own suppressed trauma, we are all trying (so desperately) to make things right and heal from our traumas through our parenting. Unfortunately, we think we have control, we think we can master situations but we can't. Shit's going to happen and it's not always our fault, we can't always avoid it, and we can't always make it better. All we can do is give it (parenting, life, relationships) our best and let the rest fall into the place. I guess the word is surrender. “