Katy Luscombe

Katy Luscombe (34 - she/her). Mother to Flynn (6) and Phoebe (4). Currently 31 weeks pregnant. Katy is a previous project participant, you can see her photos and stories from 2015 and 2013 here.

Boston, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Parenthood has continued to teach me to respect and value my body for all of the amazing and miraculous growth and changes it has undergone. Growing up as an athlete, it was drilled into my mind, body, and soul to be active and physically fit at all times. Somewhere along the way, this morphed into equating my self worth with being thin. Gaining weight and watching my body stretch and grow to accommodate a developing human was difficult for me.

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant for the third time, and am continuing to struggle with my changing body just as much as I did with my first pregnancy nearly seven years ago. Throughout pregnancy, I am constantly plagued with the thought that I will never again return to the body that I was comfortable in prior to becoming pregnant. Which is an ironic thought, because I am my own worst critic and always want to be thinner and more toned and have very rarely been truly comfortable in my own skin. With each pregnancy, I have been left in awe of what my body accomplished. However, it is only after I have returned to my average size and look back at pictures of my pregnant self that I am able to see the beauty that was my body growing and nurturing my children.

As I have gone further down the road of parenthood, I have reflected on what my body has accomplished and how I want my children to see their bodies. The older and more experienced at parenting I have become, I have learned to show myself grace and treat myself with the love and compassion that I show my children and their own bodies. My hope is that by working to change my own mindset and value my body for all of the good things it can accomplish, my children will do the same and hopefully not become fixated on just how their bodies look.

What was your postpartum experience? 

Postpartum has been a tricky road for me. After the birth of my son in 2013, I experienced postpartum depression and chose to utilize medication to aid my brain in getting back on track. I struggled to bond with my son and felt like an absolute failure as a mother. After the birth of my daughter in 2015, I again experienced emotional postpartum difficulties, but they were not as severe as what I had previously experienced. I bonded with her quickly and felt settled more in my roll of mother and caretaker. I refused to go back on the antidepressants that had helped me previously because I was nursing and felt like I could manage on my own. Eventually, the depression and anxiety I was experiencing caused me to seek help. In the fall of 2017, I made the decision to begin medication and counseling.

Since I was still nursing my daughter, my doctor and I made the decision to start a commonly prescribed anti-depressant for nursing mothers rather than have me start my previous medication. Unfortunately, I had a terrible reaction to the new medication after one dose. This then caused my mental and physical health to quickly spiral out of control as I fought to find the best approach to manage the hell that had become my life. After many months of medication trial and error and counseling sessions, I felt like I had a handle on the dysthymia and panic disorder that had been ruling my life.

In 2019, I discovered I was pregnant for a third time. My mind immediately fast forwarded to the postpartum period. I started thinking about what I could do proactively to better ensure that my mental health remained stable throughout the pregnancy and beyond. Through consultation with my midwives and behavioral health team, we made the decision for me to continue taking an antidepressant throughout my pregnancy. While this was not the journey I had taken throughout my first two pregnancies, it felt needed and right for this current pregnancy. My plan is to continue my medication through the postpartum period and seek counseling support as needed.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

My truth that I would pass along to my former self is to show yourself grace and recognize your own value. You do not have to strive for perfection in every moment of every day. You are always enough. Some moments you may be a rockstar of a parent, and other moments you may be scraping the bottom of the barrel to simply survive. Both moments, and all of the moments in between, are imperfectly perfect.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

This is my third time participating in this movement. Each time I feel like I have wanted to bring to light a different aspect of my story. When I participated in 2013 with my son, I wanted to share our experience of formula feeding. I had always dreamed of the beautiful bond I would create through breastfeeding my child, and I was absolutely crushed when our journey led us down a different path. I experienced tremendous amounts of shame, guilt, and failure as a formula feeding parent and I wanted to show other formula feeding families that it is normal and ok to nurture babies with a bottle and formula. When I participated in 2015 with both my son and daughter, I wanted to share that it is possible to create a successful breastfeeding relationship after having an exclusive formula feeding relationship with a previous child. I also shared my difficulties with postpartum anxiety and depression. In 2020, I am motivated to share my ever evolving relationship with my body, my growth with mental health awareness and management, and to celebrate my body as it nurtures and grows a precious human for the final time.

Meggie Orgain

Meggie Orgain (33 - she/her) and Aidan (3)

Dallas, TX

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Shortly before I became pregnant, I had started learning about the Intuitive Eating/Health at Every Size movements. Both of these teach that smaller does not equal better, unlike what most of us have been taught our whole lives. I’m glad that I had this perspective shift before I became pregnant, because woah. I was pretty physically active before pregnancy, but experienced depression (undiagnosed) almost as soon as I learned I was pregnant, and had no energy or motivation to move my body. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed. My pregnancy was “normal” and “uncomplicated,” but I didn’t feel joy a single moment.

After a difficult and long labor, I gave birth via emergency cesarean. Nothing had gone according to “plan” and I was, for lack of a better word, lost. I felt broken—emotionally and physically. I felt like my body had failed, even though logically I knew it hadn’t. And the physical recovery was difficult and painful, all while trying to raise and breastfeed a newborn. The stretch marks from pregnancy and scar from my surgery are still very visible on me, and probably will be forever. My body does not look like it did before pregnancy and never will. On the one hand, this is a blessing because I have physical reminders of the amazing things my body did, but on the other it is hard to shake the “dream” of attaining the “perfect body” that doesn’t really exist. I am constantly asked if I am pregnant because of the shape/size of my midsection and clothes don’t fit me like they used to. All that said, I am doing my best to teach my son that all bodies are precious and worthy of respect. Which means I am trying my darndest to treat my body that way. I won’t pretend it’s easy, but it’s a goal I believe in and will continue to work toward everyday.

What was your postpartum experience? 

My postpartum period was incredibly hard—not that I believe there is such a thing as an easy postpartum period, but still. The depression that had set in at the beginning of my pregnancy continued into PPD. I couldn’t connect with my baby, I didn’t feel like myself, I was exhausted and in pain and felt so alone. I never thought it would be easy, but I also never dreamed it could be that bad. I was staying home alone with my son while my husband worked all day. The hours were excruciating and bland at the same time. I counted down the minutes to when my husband would come home from work. I started seeing a therapist when my son was about 5 months old. That helped. I stopped breastfeeding and got back on the birth control I had been on for over a decade when my son was 7 months. That helped more. I started working a part-time job when my son was 9 months old, and that helped even more. The final piece of the puzzle was when I started taking an antidepressant a couple of months after my son turned 1. I felt like me again. I felt like a mom. I felt like his mom. When I read stories about people who go through a postpartum period and it is anything but horrific, I assume they’re lying. Because I can’t comprehend anything different than what I went through. The past few years I have done my best to process what we all went through and change my perspective on what could be if we were to have another child, but it’s not easy when your only lived experience is so painful.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

If I could tell pre-pregnant me anything it would be to trust my intuition. I’m usually pretty spot on about things, but pregnancy and postpartum took away my autonomy and made me question everything about what I felt, believed, and knew. It has taken me a long time to get it back, and I believe that if I were to ever go through pregnancy again, I would be stronger in my own voice and convictions than I was the first time.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I stumbled upon this project on social media while I was trying to fill my feed with accounts that show bodies as they are, not as we have been taught they “should be.” From the minute I saw it and started reading the stories, I felt like I had found a ray of hope. I wanted to participate because stories like mine are not ones that I hear too often and I wanted to make sure that if anyone out there had a similar experience, they wouldn’t feel alone. Or if they look like me, they wouldn’t feel like their bodies are “wrong.”

Amy Linzmeyer-Jelinek

Amy Linzmeyer-Jelinek (30), Oleander (6), Lyra (4), and Phineas (13 mo)

Waukesha, WI | Chicago, IL

Amy shares -

I had one loss between Lyra and Phineas. It was our only unplanned pregnancy, and at first I was upset that I was pregnant. After a month or so I came around and was happy about the next baby. At ten weeks, I started spotting while out to dinner with some friends. An ultrasound the next morning confirmed there was no heartbeat, and I went on to have an unassisted miscarriage at home.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Being thin is not the same as being healthy. I always knew that was true, but I feel it now.

What was your postpartum experience? 

After my first child, Oleander, was born, I returned to work on a very part time basis as quickly as I could because I worked for a small company and was the only person in my position with no one to really fill in for me. I sat in my cubicle and cried a lot. I ended up quitting before I needed to be back full time at 12 weeks because I just thought I couldn't handle being away from my baby. Looking back, it was more than that.

When Lyra was born, I knew something was terribly off. I was having panic attacks and fits of rage, constantly on edge. My PCP ended up finding my hyper thyroid issues, the same thing that made be loose so much weight and get the "Wow, you look great!" was making me sick . All they really did for me was put me on anti-depressants and wait for my thyroid to return to normal, which it eventually did, and I took myself off the meds because they prevented me from feeling anything.

Then I had my miscarriage, and ended up in counseling and with a psychiatrist and new medication that I'm still on today.

So with Phineas, I had the best postpartum experience. We went on many adventures. He was also a pretty calm newborn, so that helped a lot.

What is your truth?

It's ok to be honest and apologize to your kids and admit when you've made a mistake.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I've been in love with this movement since Ollie was a baby, and always wanted to participate but couldn't find the time and didn't have the confidence to just do it without a friend or someone to come with me. I'm finally at a place where I've realized it's time to do the things I want to do even when no one else wants to or is able to go with me. I feel like this is also a lesson to teach my kids, particularly my daughter, on many levels. To put yourself out there, be vulnerable, and be ok, or even better, afterwards.

Amber Smith

Amber Smith (36), Ivy Sunshine (10), and Arlo Moon (7)

Mesa, AZ

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

“I love my body more now than I ever did when I was a young spring chicken. I feel I have earned my womanly body, through time, birth, and true unconditional love from my partner.”

What was your postpartum experience?

Sadly, I suffered major postpartum depression and anxiety after my son. I didn’t realize how bad it was until two years passed. I got on medication which helps immensely. There’s no shame in helping our bodies when they lack a crucial brain connection. Because of my PPD, we’ve had to mend some fences when it came to healthy attachment between my kids and I. Counseling, yoga, meditation, and hard work has helped my son with his anxiety. I’m seeing firsthand that even if postpartum was traumatic, that healing, and true connection are still possible years later. Our kids need more than anything to be SEEN. Looked in the eye and chose over and over again, in the now, for everything they are. And everything they’re not. By continually healing self, I am now able to help heal my children.

What is your truth?

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

Because the more “real” bodies and true authenticity are seen, the healthier the next generation will be.

Kumiko Nixon

Kumiko Nixon (24), Rocket (2 years 11 months - not pictured), and Luna (3 months)

Reno, NV

Kristina shares -

“I've experienced two miscarriages and one medically necessary termination. The termination was the most difficult because of the timing, and my yearning for another baby. I was only 2 months post chemo when I conceived that baby, and 11 months postpartum. My husband and I grieved, it was the hardest thing we've done in our marriage to this day. We chose to find the silver lining, to know that we would have the chance to conceive again and when we did, it would be the right time when I was healthy.

My body image has been poor since childhood. Before conceiving Rocket, my weight was at an all time high. Depression, steroids, and chemotherapy morphed my body in to something out of control so I didn't have many expectations postpartum. I was induced at 38 weeks due to high blood pressure, and though I planned on an unmedicated birth - succumbed to an epidural after 15 hours of painful, Pitocin induced contractions. I was disappointed in my body, disappointed I couldn't deliver the way I wanted to, that my birth plan went out the window. Disappointed that I didn't make it to the year mark for breastfeeding. I felt like a failure.

Then I conceived Luna. We almost lost her during a tumultuous first trimester. I had low progesterone from the get-go, and then I started to bleed in the latter part of my first trimester after experiencing a very stressful 24 hour shift in the trauma bay following the Route 91 Mass Shooting. I hated this body of mine that couldn't carry babies the "right way", and my body image was the lowest it had ever been. Just when I started to submit to this idea of my body failing me, my labor with Luna began quietly on its own. She was delivered without assistance, nor medication, after 4 hours of contractions induced by my body alone.

I'm 3 months postpartum and I'm still on this emotional high, I've never loved my body more - never been more amazed and proud of what it can do, how it adapts, and how it provides. Parenthood has made me fall in love with my body and taught me its value.

With my eldest daughter, I was unprepared for the wave of emotions I would feel about myself and my postpartum body. No one told me you'll still look 6 months pregnant after you deliver, that you may need to pack maternity clothes for your departure from the hospital. My expectations reflected that of a first time mother, and there was a commonality in these thoughts among many other first time moms I found out later on. As the months started to pass, I found myself growing moodier, more emotional, more... unstable. Postpartum depression crept up on me like a sneak attack. This was yet another thing I was uneducated about and unprepared for. My pregnancy was beautiful and I was in love with it, but the postpartum journey almost broke me.

With my second child, it was the opposite. Antepartum depression controlled my life and my pregnancy as I dealt with PTSD. There were days I wasn't sure I was going to make it, but I did and my labor and delivery of Luna was a welcomed opportunity to change the direction of my mental state. Postpartum this time around, I took no chances. I advocated for anti-depressants, I made sure to ask for help when I needed it, and I feel all the better now. I had better expectations this time, and I realize now how important it is to make sure you care for yourself during the postpartum time period. To be aware of yourself and any changes, and act on it quickly before it gets out of hand.

One thing I wish I had been told as a new parent was to ask for help when you need it, to rest, to be consciously aware of yourself. Too many women die from postpartum complications whether it be hemorrhage, infection, or suicide. Never feel bad about needing help, find a strong support system whether its from friends, family, or local community resources. You will be spoiled during your pregnancy, but people often forget that you need help during the postpartum period too.

I've followed 4th Tri Bodies since before I was pregnant with Rocket, dreaming of the day I'd be able to participate. I view this opportunity as a chance to find peace within myself, and to heal mind, body, and soul from the negative thoughts and emotions I've carried as a mother by sharing my story.”

Maria Johnson

Maria Johnson (36), Madeline (5), Virginia (3), and Juliet (1)

Maria is a previous project participant. You can view her previous photo and story from 2014 here.

Brazil | Minneapolis, MN

Maria shares -

“I have dealt with body image issues for a long time. Currently I feel good in my skin, but I often wish my body was different too. I know I was lucky to bear three beautiful babies and that each of those babies changed my body. But they changed my life in bigger and better ways, so there is a peace and acceptance that comes with this. I also try hard to give myself grace and remind myself that my priority is to be healthy for my children.

With our first daughter I suffered from postpartum depression. It was awful, but I was lucky to have had a therapist point it out and an amazing doctor that made the whole process a little easier. It was definitely one of my biggest life challenges. Something so deep and personal that needed to be treated and in order for that it needed to be shared. I ended up staying with my medication with my second and third pregnancy and it has helped me a lot. Today there are other anxiety and depression problems that have been made better thanks to the same medication.

My truth is be truthful! Know that sharing your truth, your story you will help others heal and get help. It’s powerful when we stop being ashamed to share and start to let people see the real you. As human we connect better that way. We are all beautiful and imperfect.

I decided to participate in this movement the first time for the same reason as this time. I have continued to believe that women need to share their stories and help others that way. To be true to yourself and others.”

Siân de Freyssinet

Siân de Freyssinet (35), Ada Belle Ripley (2.5) & Bryn Alan (in utero)

UK | Chicago

Siân shares -

“Even before Ada was born I was pretty down on my body’s ability to do “what it’s supposed to do”. We tried to conceive naturally for years with no success other than an ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage. We ended up doing IVF to get me pregnant.

The process was horrible. The first IVF doctor we used made me feel like just another defective reproductive system he had to work on that day. His office & nursing staff never read my charts properly and constantly butchered my name.

Once we’d changed providers and I’d gotten pregnant, I’d planned on a non-medicated, home water birth. I read Ina May’s books to prep for the birth. I got the impression that’d be so “easy” and everything would come so naturally. However, Ada was two weeks late and I made the choice to take castor oil to kick start labour. This decision ruined all my plans. The oil made me so sick. After 50 odd hours puking, shitting my guts out and labouring at home, my midwife ran out of tricks to get me to progress and I had run out of energy. I had to transfer to hospital where at every nurse hand over i was introduced as “Siân, a failed home birth”. That “failure” stuck with me for a long time.

Ada had to go to the NICU due to an infection. She had to stay in hospital for a week to be given antibiotics. We had to fight to stay with her and managed to get her transferred out of the NICU & up to the children’s ward so we could room with her.

Breast feeding didn’t go well to begin with. Ada couldn’t/wouldn’t latch. I got a number of infections in my breasts: thrush (in my boobs! Who knew that was a thing?!), E. Coil and a staph infection.

It took about 3 months, a tongue tie revision, using a nipple shield and 3 different lactation consultants to get the hang of nursing. Throughout that time I pumped. A lot. Pumping helped immensely with my supply, which was the silver lining of all the pain and bullshit. The way I viewed how my body looked physically didn’t really change. I’ve always been large. I got larger after moving to the US. I got larger still postpartum. My birth family have a pretty narrow view of what an acceptable body type should look like and are constantly striving miserably to obtain that.

I care a lot less about how my body looks since becoming a mum. My husband thinks I’m beautiful, I still think I scrub up pretty well and I now strive always to project a strong, loving self body image so that my daughter and (soon to be earthside) son grow up knowing that every body is valid, acceptable, beautiful & desirable.

Some days that’s easier than others. Often how I see myself in my minds eye is a lot different to how I see myself in photos. I guess I think I look a lot cuter, thinner, prettier than I photograph.

The first year of motherhood suuuuuuucked! I felt like such a failure. I didn’t magically shit out my baby like Ina May suggested I could do, then after failing at that, I couldn’t instantly get the hang of feeding my baby how I was supposed to. How did the human race evolve if feeding one’s baby was so freaking hard?

Everyone kept telling me “you have a live, healthy baby, what more could you want?”. This has got to be the least helpful thing you could say to a new mum. I kept thinking “I want everything I was led to believe I’d get, obviously!” my home water birth and a baby who latched would have been a good start.

I also discovered I do *not* do well at all on little to no sleep. Everyone said “sleep when the baby sleeps” like it’s that freaking easy! But you don’t know if they’ll be asleep for 10 minutes or an hour & by the time you drift off, the baby’s awake and you’ve got to start all over again. Then there’s all the laundry to do, the pumping equipment to wash, the constantly disappearing nipple shields. I was told to ask for help and take it whenever it was offered, but I didn’t find that easy to do at all. I didn’t know what to ask for or what I needed. I felt I should be able to do it and no one could do it the way I needed or wanted.

I got up with the baby whenever she woke as I had the boobs and the milk and I worried that if I missed a nursing session my milk would dry up. All this combined gave me some pretty intense postpartum anxiety. I struggled on for a few months without knowing what was going on. Everything that I read about postpartum depression/baby blues didn’t fit with what I was feeling, which was mostly a mix of intense rage and apathy.

I didn’t tell any one for a long time as I was scared of their judgement. I couldn’t stand for my husband to think less of me, to feel like he had to watch me in case I hurt our baby, to think I was incapable of doing the thing I’d been saying I’d wanted for years: to be a mum. It was so hard to reach out for help, but in the end I did. I got medicated (another failure in my mind. My birth family are pretty down on anti-depressants and are skeptical of medications. A lifetime of believing that misinformation put a dint in my head about being prescribed them by “big Pharma”).

My anxiety has been stable for a couple of years, though I’ve felt my rage building up during this pregnancy. My midwives upped my dosage of Zoloft and I’ve felt much more able to cope with a toddler and quite a challenging pregnancy (I started getting nauseous at around 7 weeks in and didn’t stop until I was prescribed 8mg Zofran twice a day)

Get all the help you can. Everyone says that! But again, it’s so hard to do. A friend of mine suggested making a spreadsheet of all the chores and errands I’d need running so that I can give it to people who offer to help without feeling guilty or embarrassed to be asking or accepting support. This time round we’ve got a labour support and postpartum doula. I’ve got more friends on board to help with Ada and I’m more willing to let my husband do some night feedings.

I’ve followed 4th Trimester Bodies Project since Ada was born and love the ethos. I always wanted prenatal photos taken, but don’t like the flower crown, posed under a waterfall type shoots so thought this would be the perfect answer. I feel like a lot of new parents believe it’s going to be rainbows and sunshine, and when you get in the trenches of that first time parenthood it’s such a massive surprise that you feel you’ve been duped. I don’t want to burst any bubbles, I just want to share my reality.”

Illia Ludwig

Illia Ludwig (32), Daniel (4), and Oliver ( 1 )
Reno, NV

Illia shares -

“I have had three miscarriages. I have endometriosis and PCOS. I have always wanted a BIG family - 5 kids just like my grandma and grandpa but with each loss, the dream of a big family was shattered but if I had of had those babies it wouldn’t have been Daniel or Oliver. My 2 boys are amazing and my whole world. The losses made me fight for my story, take my life in my own hands, and not let someone tell me that my life could only be one way.

When I was pregnant with Daniel, I was 85lbs. Every day i would step on the scale hoping that I would finally hit it triple digits. Never in my 28 years of life was I ever 100lbs but I never got there. I would look at myself and think “yuck”. I could see every rib, every bone, size "00" was so in. But I was unhealthy thin and I realized recently that I had suffered from anorexia without knowing it.

I had a hard childhood, people constantly telling me i needed to eat more or tell me I need to eat a few hamburgers gain some weight. I never looked at myself as beautiful but just skinny. When I finally hit that 100lbs I was yelling, I was so excited. I felt good. I felt healthy. Like I could be pregnant forever.

I was 165lbs the day I had Daniel. No one could judge me now, I would keep the weight on and everything would be great, but soon as Daniel was born the weight fell off.

My pregnancy with Oliver was tough. I had a hard time gaining weight and I didn’t hit 100lbs until the very end of my second trimester. I was excited when i finally got stretch marks and prayed they would last - battle scars. I call them proof that I did it, when all the doctors told me it was never possible, I did it and I have the scars to prove it.

When I was pregnant with Daniel I lost my job working at an apartment complex and lived on property. So along with losing the job, I lost our home and we had to move into my moms house. The day we brought Daniel home my grandma (who was my everything) was having issues and died in my husbands arms. The hospital was able to revive her and we got 6 more months but those 6 months of being a new mom and caring for my grandma were a world wind. My grandma passed away and I was lost. I spun into depression.

My husband got a new job and we moved to a very small town 45 minutes away from anything in a one bedroom apartment, four flights up, no washer and dryer, no trash, carpet in the bathroom… I could go on and on but the biggest hit to my mental health was the isolation. I was alone while my husband worked long hours. We finally moved into a really amazing house and it makes up for a lot but still the isolation is hard.

I started going to church when Daniel turned two and that changed my life. I dug in and my faith grew strong my out look on everything changed.

My pregnancy with Oliver was rocky from the beginning - the first ultrasound there was no heart beat and the doctor started talking about next steps and the steps we will start taking to try again even though I already had a baby growing inside me. That week was one of the longest of my life. I had a follow up ultrasound a week later and we not only got to see a very strong heartbeat but we got to hear it! i will never forget that heart beat and that feeling of pure JOY!

My midwife started me on anti-depressants at about 3 months and postpartum and I started going to therapy when Oliver was 5 months old - it has helped so so much! I thought I would be the perfect mom, wife, housewife - cooking cleaning, playing, and taking care of my husband. The reality is that's not me at all and I still struggle with my expectations of myself. The perfect mom role model was my grandma but it’s such a different era. Church and therapy were my saving grace!

I wanted to share my story because it shows hope, love, life, grace, god’s timing, victory, freedom, strength, faith - there is so much of my story I want to share. I will tell it to whoever wants to listen … seeing the growth and lessons. Just hearing about LIFE is such a beautiful thing. How we can all come together is amazing!”

Christian Hodge

Christian Hodge (37). Mother to Josephine (5) and Elijah (3)

Denver, CO

Christian shares -

“I’m still struggling with my body image. I like how parts of my body look fuller and not others. I am still learning to accept my skin and stretch marks on my stomach, as well as smaller boobs. I am however more confident than I have ever been and I attribute it to pregnancy and breastfeeding. It was so powerful to know that my body could create life and then sustain it for as long as needed.

With my first it was very difficult postpartum. I had PPD but didn’t really know what it was. I just knew that I didn’t feel right. I went to my OB/GYN and she told me as long as I didn’t resent my baby that I was ok. I remember crying every single morning while listening to Marvin Gaye “I’m so in love”. I was terrified to be alone with my baby. I had intrusive thoughts while I breastfed some nights. It was terrible. It took a year for me to feel better. Two other moms, now friends, recognized the symptoms and would check on me regularly making sure I was ok on a day to day basis. My mom stepped in and stayed with us when my husband had to travel. She allowed me to rest when I needed to. She sacrificed a whole year to make sure we were ok.

The second time was different. I had a different provider who supported my desire to have a VBAC. We talked ahead of time and made a plan about how to handle possible PPD. When the time came the plan was executed flawlessly and it made a huge difference. I started taking Zoloft while in the hospital after birth. It was 100% my choice. My provider checked in with my on a daily, then weekly basis to make sure I felt okay. I was able to enjoy and remember the moment that were so fleeting after the birth of my daughter.

I think it’s important for women, especially Black women to share our stores about birth and parenthood. There are so many myths and falsehoods/misconceptions about what it’s like to have a baby. Talking about them allows other to know what they are experiencing is normal.”

Bryn Sierra

Bryn Sierra (38), Elin Juniper Marie (3), and Olivia Wren (3 weeks)

Nashville, TN

Bryn shares -

“Elin was conceived after a few years of infertility, meds, IUIs and eventually a successful round of IVF. Olivia was the first time we ever got pregnant "naturally." We hadn't used protection since before Elin because what was the point?! Now I'm one of those urban myth stories I hated so much during infertility - surprise "natural" pregnancy after IVF.

I loved my pregnant body. I had one of those basketball in the front, can't tell from behind pregnant bodies. When I wasn't puking I felt curvy and sexy and life-giving. I rapidly lost all my baby weight because I didn't eat much. I remember zipping up my pre-pregnancy jeans while inpatient and thinking Wow, that was quick. I had zero awareness that the weight loss was because of being very, very mentally ill. Once I started antidepressants (and drinking) the weight came back and then some.

I definitely didn't like the way my body felt. My clothes were tight and I was lethargic and blah. I don't remember caring all that much, though. This time around I lost quite a bit of weight during my first few months of pregnancy because I was puking all the time and had zero appetite. I worried baby girl wasn't getting what she needed, but of course babies get first dibs! Also this time around I've had three years of living in this mom body and talking to my daughter about her body and trying to show her how much I love my body. I *think* I love my body. I *know* I want to for her sake.

I do love how my body made two gorgeous healthy baby girls. My body knows exactly how to carry them and spits them out with a quickness that mercifully spared me hours/days of labor. My body also knows how to have great colostrum and probably great milk, but my mind knows that I just can't with the every two hour feedings interrupting my sleep and throwing me into panic attacks. Instead I get to learn what works best for our family and how to advocate for myself and my choices.

My postpartum journey with Elin has forever changed me. The dark abyss of postpartum anxiety and depression is a horrible enough nightmare from hell all on its own, let alone struggling through while trying to keep alive a tiny human. What the fuck was nature thinking with allowing that combo?

The day Elin turned one week old, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. I'd slept a handful of hours in seven days and was living in a state of constant anxiety and dread. My husband and his mom took care of the baby while my folks waited with me, on furniture that was bolted to the ground, by the way. I had intake and consult after intake and consult. There were a handful of other folks in the other rooms waiting, just like me, for a bed to open up. Knowing what I know now about the process, they had mercy on me and definitely pushed me ahead of other folks. I was pacing and freaking out and trying to lie down and then pumping and changing my diaper/pad. All of that. Just on repeat. For hours. I was so beyond exhausted, my dad paced behind me so I wouldn’t fall over.

I pleaded with the staff to get me in so I could just go to sleep. I remember telling anyone who would listen I was "this close" to just banging my head against the wall to knock myself out. That was my big plan. I was VERY aware of feeling this “line” just right there in front of me. I very easily could go ahead and bang my head against the wall. But I knew if I crossed that line, I wasn’t coming back, not for a long time or without a lot of repercussions. That willpower to not beat my head against the wall or go flailing out of control, letting loose all the fucked-up crazy that was pent up inside me, that was the strongest I have ever been. Ever. I will never be stronger than that in my life. I am in awe of myself for not letting go. I guess I come by my control issues and anxiety honestly.

I had a very positive experience inpatient and, later, outpatient. In there, I was safe, taken care of, provided with structure, and I was understood. If I could just pause Life, and if they could just fix me, then I could go be a mom and a wife and Life would be doable again. The first time I checked myself in, I spent about four days in there. Including my first Mother’s Day. And baby girl was only a week old, too new to be around a lot of hospital germs. So, I didn’t get to see my baby on my first Mother’s Day. That sucked. After a few days, I felt ready to go home. I felt good. But, long story short, good didn’t last and I checked myself back in about a week later. This time I was inpatient about 10 days, and continued in the outpatient program another 10 days. Baby girl was 6 weeks old by the time I was totally done. She was about 6 months old by the time I could finally see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Going back to work was ROUGH. Finally feeling love for this child I avoided for six weeks and then leaving her at home with Grandma was ROUGH. I weaned off some meds, stayed on some meds. I continued my Psych follow-ups. I tried different counselors. Unfortunately, what helped me most, I think, was giving myself permission to be bad at everything except surviving; I was subpar at my job, a crappy wife, I let go of chores and cleaning, and gave up and went to bed around 8pm most nights. I survived.

I remember feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable during those first several crisis weeks. And that actually felt good. To just be so real and open and honest and bare with those around me. Everyone knew what was what and I just didn’t care what people thought of me. I was in crisis. I was a fucking mess. I was fighting for my life. And I REACHED OUT. I RAN to help. Maybe it’s because of growing up with a therapist for a mother, but I had zero shame in seeking help. I had shame about failing my baby daughter and my husband, burdening my in-laws, scaring the hell out of my poor parents. But I didn’t have shame about sharing the hell I was going through and hoping someone could reach down and help pull me out. I am not someone who has previously lived with depression and anxiety, so this was a wholly new experience for me. I had to learn my new normal. Living with a mental illness, for me, means living with and accepting a very different sense of self than I’m used to.

We found out we were pregnant with Olivia on Halloween. Scary indeed. I've stayed on meds and stayed in therapy wondering if we could get to a place to have more kids since we still had two frozen embryos from our IVF round. It took a while to feel like we were capable of this and worked our butts off to prepare and put a solid action plan in place. Mercifully, this time has been... well, "different" doesn't even begin to describe it. I've had a handful of sundown anxiety evenings. Husband and I had a powerfully emotional evening as we decided to just go straight to formula. And of course going through this huge life transition with a three year old is its own adventure. But other than that, y'all, I feel great. I feel clear and present. I'm in my body this time. It keeps blowing my mind that I got a second chance. I get to enjoy this and have a little bit of baby bliss. May we all be so fortunate to have second chances.

My truth is it's okay to be not okay. Beyond that, I have no idea what to say to others going through their own hell. I don’t know that anyone could have said anything to me. I babbled and raged and folks listened and I started meds and I kind of feel like I just waited it out. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I made sure I felt safe with the folks around me in case I fell, and then just gritted my teeth and kept going. It REALLY sucked. But it doesn’t now. That’s probably not very inspiring or life-affirming, but maybe that will resonate with someone.

t's kind of like voting. I feel a responsibility to speak up and encourage others to share their voices. If we don't we're left with a mainstream message that often shames and judges and tells parents (especially mothers) they're doing it wrong. That's not my reality. Why not be a part of letting someone out there know it doesn't have to be theirs either?”