Nicole Shafer (39- she/her), Stella (7), Vivienne (5), and Ramona (1)
Oregon {virtual session captured via CLOS}
Nicole shares:
“I have had four miscarriages. Three were early miscarriages that we had only known about for a few days before I started bleeding. My second miscarriage was a baby boy. I was about 19 weeks along when I went in for a routine appointment and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had to be induced and deliver the baby, who we named August. There has been a lot of grief following this miscarriage and also a whole shifting of my worldview, that terrible things can happen and that there are no guarantees that everything will be okay. I was scared to look at him after he was born, but I'm so glad I did. Even as tiny as he was, he clearly looked like my husband, both his facial features and his body proportions (my husband is long torso-ed, and all our kids are too). It was really scary to look at him and I didn't know what to expect, but I am so glad I did. We planted a tree for him in our backyard and my daughters, especially Vivienne, talk about their baby brother frequently. This can be really difficult for me sometimes, but I am thankful they remember him. Every time we see a rainbow, we say hello to our lost babies.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I am really cognizant not to say negative things about my body, especially around my children. I think it is good for them to see a normal body and a positive body image. I feel more deeply myself now than I ever have before, but sometimes I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. I don't know if it is the changes that come with having children, or growing older, or living through a pandemic, but I feel physically so different than I used to that sometimes it is hard to reconcile my actual body with how I feel or my mental self. I am in awe of what my body can do. I can grow a baby from scratch and feed that baby for years. This is miraculous. I also feel like I hold a lot of memories and experiences in my body. I work every day to love every piece of myself, and some days it is more work than others. But I want my children to love every piece of themselves, so I am determined to model that love for them.
What was your postpartum experience?
My first postpartum experience was deeply jarring. I think it is very challenging to prepare to give birth the first time because you have absolutely no frame of reference. I was wholly unprepared for what it would be like and how it would challenge me. When my daughter was born after 21+ hours of labor, I was stunned. I felt like I was in shock and could barely reach my arms out to take her. It was not how I imagined I would feel or react after her birth. Shortly after (she was born at a freestanding birth center), she was showing signs of jaundice and we took her to the emergency room. We ended up staying with her in the NICU for five days. This was another very unsettling experience. I was struggling with breastfeeding, was in a small, dark, cramped hospital room trying to learn how to be a mother. I realize now that I probably had postpartum depression, although I was not diagnosed at the time. Everything seemed impossibly hard. I could not imagine how anyone could do anything with a baby besides stay at home and feed and hold them all day. I cried a lot. It took several months before I started to feel like myself and came out of the fog I was under. I had an amazing lactation consultant that came to my house multiple times and helped me with breastfeeding. She was so encouraging. She ran a breastfeeding support group that gave me the confidence to feed my baby and trust in myself.
With my second baby, everything was easier. We had a quick labor and she was born while I was standing up. I felt like a warrior! I was still a little stunned because she came so quickly, but almost immediately I felt like myself. I took twelve weeks off work, and I didn't even feel like I really needed all that time. I felt great! Breastfeeding went much more smoothly the second time and I just generally had more confidence in myself as a mother.
My third daughter was also born quickly. She was born in the water and I just could not believe my eyes when I saw her! Because she is a rainbow baby, I spent my whole pregnancy worried that something would go wrong. I went into her birth terrified. She was much bigger than my first two babies, and absolutely quiet. She blinked her eyes at me and then finally started to breathe. I kept saying "you're here!" In part I think because of the baby we lost and in part because of the pandemic, I spent a lot of my postpartum worrying. I was finally diagnosed with postpartum anxiety when she was about ten months old, shortly after I returned to work. I was not ready to leave her and go back to work and it was very hard for me to do so. I constantly imagined the worst-case scenario. Now that she is almost 16 months, I am feeling less anxious.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
I am always trying to be gentle with myself. I trust myself and I know that I am doing the best that I can do with what I have. When I know better, I do better. That's what you have to do as a parent. You try the very best you can, and you forgive yourself for your mistakes, and you try again, the very best you can.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
I returned to work from maternity leave for about three weeks before schools shut down (I'm a teacher) and then it felt like I had an extended maternity leave with my baby. I didn't have to physically leave her again until she was ten months old. There were a lot of other things that were very challenging about parenting during a pandemic, but being able to be home, even if I was trying to navigate teaching from home and teaching online, was actually really nice. I got to sleep more, I got to be with my kids more.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I originally wanted to take part in this movement in 2013 right after my first child was born. I ended up booking an appointment and then cancelling it because I was afraid of the repercussions of being photographed in my underwear. That seems painfully young to think about now. As a brand new parent in 2013, I was trying to understand what this new identity meant for me. I'd had an easy pregnancy and a fairly routine birth, although my daughter did end up spending some time in the NICU for jaundice. I struggled a lot with breastfeeding but felt like I had finally hit my stride. Now, nearly eight years later, I have struggled with secondary infertility, multiple miscarriages, postpartum anxiety. I wish I had been photographed as a brand new mom so I could compare that experience to the one I have now. I feel like I am deeply comfortable in my role as a mother and that it is a huge part of my identity.