Kim Borchert (42 - she/her) mother to Seth (15), Amelia (13), Liberty (11), Elliott (8), Zachary (6), Emma (12/15/02-8/23/03)
You can view Kim’s previous image and story from 2014 here.
Austin, TX
“(I’ve had) one loss; Emma, age 8 months, 8 days. She was a cesarean because she was footling breech when my water broke. She helped me find my passion for birth work, and because of her, I am a doula and childbirth educator.
One month after her sudden and unexpected death, I became pregnant with Seth. He was not only my Rainbow baby, but my HBAC (Homebirth after Cesarean) baby.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I had 6 babies in 10 1/2 years. For that entire time, I felt such hatred toward my body. I could never see the good and the fact that I was able to not only carry to term, but birth and nourish my babies. Instead, I carried an intense hatred and loathing toward my body. I was always very conscious to never say anything about my body in front of my children and thought that was good enough.
When my oldest daughter got closer to puberty I realized what I was doing was not enough. I needed to start loving my body, being comfortable in my skin, and SHOWING my children actively what it looks like to truly love myself. It was something I had never been shown by my own Mother, and is a constant work in progress.
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum experience was different with all of my children.
When Emma was born, I felt so confident. I'd been an Aunt since I was 13 and had 14 nieces and nephews. I had seen newborns breastfeed, so I knew what to expect there. I knew I wouldn't get much sleep and I was ok with that. I was a little anxious and my depression didn't get worse than it was before she was born.
While I had some form of anxiety with all, but the worst was with Seth and Zachary. Seth was born just 10 months after Emma died. He truly grew in grief and I was terrified of losing him too. There were many times I left him at home with my husband, just to turn around and come back because of the invasive thoughts. I was so lucky to find an amazing bereavement counselor who helped me navigate that time in my life.
The next 3 children came and my postpartum moods were more similar to what I experienced after Emma's birth. Some anxiety, but my depression was manageable. When Zachary came though, my world was completely turned upside down. When he was born, he needed resuscitation. His 1 minute APGAR score was a 1 and by 9 minutes old, he was perfect. But I kept going back to that 9 minutes where I held him as my midwives worked on him and pleaded with God and Emma to make him stay.
I didn't think it really effected me much until recently when I have looked back on that time. I realize now that my postpartum anxiety was directly linked to his immediate postpartum period.
My postpartum depression and anxiety lasted for 2 years after I had Zachary and made me truly realize I could not have any more babies.
What is your truth?
It's ok to be big. In our society we are taught to be of value, we must be small, and accommodating, and to not inconvenience anyone. In life though, we HAVE to be big. We have to take up space, both physically and energetically. This is what we need to do to have a baby and to raise that baby. AND when we all start allowing ourselves to be big, our children will see it is ok and won't place value on their ability to be small.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I have known Ash longer than 4th Trimester Bodies has been around. I would go to the ends of the Earth to support this beautiful human and this work. I want someone to see my picture and say, "Hey, she is beautiful and looks like me". We don't see enough of that in our world.