S.

S. (37 - they/them). Parent to Elisa (5), Hadley (3), and Benjamin (1 - pictured)

Boston, MA

What was your postpartum experience?

I don’t know if there was a postpartum with Benjamin. I look back and don’t know how I went from another emergency cesarean to singing happy birthday last week. They were born and we hit the ground running. While I was in the hospital recovering from the delivery; Benjamin wasn’t tolerating breastmilk and was irritable and developing a rash on their bottom. This was so far removed from my previous birth experiences because I exclusively breastfed my other two children without any reaction like this. It was discovered that they had an intolerance to milk, including my own. Internally, I was running the gamut of self deprecation, shame, anxiety, self doubt, and fear. A lot of fear.

Externally, I was making sure that everyone was eating, brushing their teeth, getting all of their needs met and were happy. This was the beginning of what felt like the longest year of my life. My husband deployed a few weeks after the baby was born. At two months old Benjamin’s head circumference was growing off the chart. I was advised to go to the ER at Childrens and it was then discovered that the baby had a small chronic brain bleed and bilateral frontal subdural fluid collections. I was able to contact my husband and they were able to return home. The only explanation for the origin of the bleed was from the delivery where their head was pressing against old scar tissue which caused Benjamin to become stressed, I was also starting to decline and was put under general anesthesia. That is the only time I can not speak to with certainty.

In the months following it felt like one appointment after another and specialist after specialist. When meeting with different doctors my concerns and questions were never validated or answered. With so much uncertainty and no real information gleaned I had no choice but to just keep going. There were two other tiny humans at home and they had needs, appointments, school, friends, and paperwork that wasn’t going to do itself.

Postpartum with Benjamin was marked by continually putting one foot in front of the ever and never stopping because if I did; I would curl up and die. There was no family support despite family being within close proximity. I relied on a small group of my people to help me navigate this stress and really be there for us physically and emotionally. At 9 months Benjamin wasn’t sitting up independently, was choking on purees, and was experiencing a lot of reflux. I was frustrated with the care they were receiving and sought a second opinion with a different neurosurgeon. During this time my 3 year old was struggling with poor impulse control and had some very concerning behaviors. They were diagnosed with ADHD and Pica. The year previous my oldest was diagnosed with Autism.

At this point in time the relationship with my family was already strained and contentious because they do not agree that my children have medical diagnosis. After my middle child was found to meet criteria for ADHD and Pica, my family started to make accusations that I was seeking medical treatment for diagnosis they do not have. I have never been viewed as a competent adult or parent within my family because I raise my children differently than they raise theirs and how they were raised. One particular example is that by using positive reinforcement and redirection vs corporal punishment like hitting, soaking, or shaming my children is interpreted as “letting them walk all over you”. I did not fold up and die when my oldest was diagnosed with Autism. It wasn’t this life changing or devastating event for me. I knew they were autistic at 18 months old. My family who doesn’t even see my children or know them in any meaningful way don’t know what Autism is and are dismissive of their sensory needs or their needs as a human trying to live in a world that is felt in a way that they know nothing about.

When I sought support I was consistently met with disqualifying and invalidating remarks. My children have needs that exceed those of their neurotypical peers and I provide them with the supports, therapies, and interventions recommended by their providers. My family’s opinions are worthless as they are not based in reality and have no evidence to support. I made the decision to abstain from contact with them as they are unwilling to accept myself or my children as we are. My children have a diagnosis; that is not what defines them. They are worth more and deserve more from this world and it’s my job to be their voice until they have their own. Postpartum with Benjamin was marked by complexity, fear, and at the end... resolve I never knew I had.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

I wake up every morning with a body which feels tired at times, and doesn’t fit into clothes the same way, or has the same numeric sizing value before I had children. But as a 37 year old, I'm not out to impress anyone, it doesn’t bother me that my skin is loose, that my breasts aren’t firm, that my skin is marked with varicose veins and stretch marks. What matters to me today is that I'm an honest and kind person doing my best every day. Who has a voice and to be authentic; to raise people up and to speak for those who can not do it for themselves.

My body is just the vehicle that gets me from point A to point B and is not something I talk poorly about even when I’m alone. There is always an audience behind the door who is looking to me as the model for which they shape themselves as individuals. I would not be doing them a service if I was to show them anything other than love towards myself and others. I can’t remember a time where I had any real clear picture of what parenting would like. I never had this image of X amount of kids running around playing in a sprinkler. I also never imagined that I would be a parent to 3 children either. Or that I would have my first child shine as bright as the sun and warm as summer 5 year old human who made me a mother. Or that my ears would be filled with the sound of feet running all over my house yelling into a play phone “You have to speak slower! I only know a little Spanish”. Or that I would fall in love every morning and rub noses with the softness that is my son Benjamin; who turned 1 on Saturday and was celebrated by people who love us all unapologetically, as we are, and with unwavering acceptance.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I’ve felt this movement in my soul when I discovered it in 2015 and it continues to speak to me because I was raised with the notion that what I am as a physical person will determine my self worth and who I am as a whole. The honesty and raw emotion derived from something so simple. A person, a collection of people, a caregiver, with their child; showing themselves in their most intimate state; speaking their own truth. I am honored and humbled to have had the opportunity to be a part of this twice in my lifetime. Allowing myself to share my truth and be vulnerable and completely honest has been one of the highlights of my life and truly a privilege. The visceral response to shame we are told in so many forms after having a baby by saying “this is me.. And this is the body which made three amazing people and carried them, birthed them the best way it knows how, nurtured them, nourished them. This body is indifferent to rejection, indifference, and apathy because it’s not about you. This body has things to do such as raise my children to accept themselves for who they are and within their skin. To be kind, honest, and authentic. To believe that all bodies are beautiful in their own way and that beauty is not always something that you can see with a naked eye. No matter how hard you look.”

Char Hanson

Char Hanson (41 - she/her). Mother to Tommy (13)

Boston, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

My body was probably the thing in this world I was most comfortable about when I was younger. I could eat whatever I wanted and never gain weight, which was very important to me. I was a distance runner and track captain, and when I ran, I could do so with ease and comfort. When I did get hurt or sick, I would be annoyed but bounce back and be 100% back. Immediately after giving birth, I was horrified by what I was "left with", and could not stop poking at my new squishy belly and staring at my stretch marks. Over time, I have become much more comfortable with my body as it is, and have lessened my judgement of myself and others who carry extra weight. I never realized how elitist I could be about weight and fitness prior to becoming a parent. Now I have more important things to worry about.

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum started abruptly, as I was delivered at 37 weeks via emergency cesarean after months of bed rest for preeclampsia. I had a stressful but very enjoyable pregnancy, with several trips to L+D for monitoring and early labor. The postpartum hospitalization was enjoyable as it started with my son in the SICU, but then we had some normal days of learning how to care for our baby and bonding as a family. I do wish I had set better boundaries with visitors, since I truly wanted my boys to myself for a day or two at that point.

There was a point where my son's allergies were making him so uncomfortable that he was covered in welts, crying a lot, and having a hard time sleeping. I was becoming depressed primarily because I felt like an awful mother, not able to provide basic comfort to my child. I was also exasperated with medical providers that just seemed to give me another medication or cream to add to the pile of things that didn't work. I remember one day where I was just sitting in the middle of my living room raging alone about it, and then realized if anyone came in, I was going to look ridiculous. That ended my pity party. I wound up finding a church I liked since I felt I needed some faith, and went to a therapist. My son got into a great immunology clinic around eight months old, which was a turning point. My husband is my rock and was a wonderful support throughout my pregnancy and postpartum time, which really helped me have a mostly positive postpartum experience.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

My truth is that I thought my body was amazing because I ran a marathon and a lot of track races, because I could bench press my weight at one point, and because of the other athletic feats I pulled off. I KNOW my body is amazing because I was able to bring a child into this world while mentally and physically fighting to keep going the whole time. Maybe that's what I was training for the whole time.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

A really awesome friend suggested it, but it's been thirteen years and I haven't processed all of this.

Robin Desrosiers

Robin Desrosiers (36 - they/them). Parent to Michael Julien (13) and Mýa Renée (10)

Boston, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

My relationship with my body has always been complicated at best, fueled mostly by this self imposed antagonistic narrative. My earliest memories are of my body physically failing me, always in and out of the hospital , surgeries for one bizarre malfunction or another. Eventually as an adult I was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome type III (hypermobility) which explained a lot of what I had gone through. However up until that point I had always felt like a freak.

One thing my body was good at was being pregnant, I was one of those women who LOVED being pregnant. My son was a surprise, then fiancé – now husband was elated and I was terrified. When I became pregnant I had been off the pill for all of two weeks after a dr informed me that I’d probably have a hard time getting pregnant due to my history of endometriosis. My uneventful pregnancy turned into a nightmare labor and delivery. 17.5 hours of back labor, a baby that was “sunny side up”, erratic contractions and a cervix that didn’t want to dilate landed me in the OR with an emergency cesarean. Three years later I was fortunate to have a successful VBAC with my daughter.

What was your postpartum experience? 

In my mind my cesarean was strike one. Then my milk never came in and I couldn’t breastfeed. Strike two. I felt like a failure because in my mind “I didn’t do it right”. I struggled horribly with the pain and postpartum depression. I would cry over things like thinking my brand new baby didn’t love me. I was too afraid to tell anyone because I didn’t want my baby to be taken away. As a new mother who felt like she couldn’t do anything right and had no idea what she was doing (even with an amazing partner), the thing I was most afraid of was having my baby taken from me so I kept the pain and struggle to myself.

The postpartum depression of my first pregnancy morphed into postpartum anxiety. Even though once again, my breastmilk never arrived , it didn’t bother me like the first time. I was far more concerned with someone taking my daughter, I would sleep in arms reach of my daughter because I was legitimately terrified that someone would break in and steal my baby girl. I had a hard time sleeping because I would lay awake next to her crib to make sure she was still in there and that she was ok.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, in order to be the best parent or care giver you must fight to love and accept your self because that is part of the foundation that your child will build THEIR own self worth on.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

Having a complex medical history, including a traumatic hysterectomy at 31, really shook my self identity , it's hard to be piecing yourself together while still trying to care for tiny humans and learning to love and accept your self I feel will always be a life long journey for me. For those with invisible illnesses who don't feel like they have a voice, I hope I can share that space with you, because no one should feel alone or ashamed. For me, my scars (both physical and emotional) are a collection of battles I've won.

Andrea and Sean Dolan

Andrea (35 - she/her), Sean (he/him), and Ren Mei (6 weeks)

Minneapolis, MN

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood, the journey to it has transformed my self image in ways I am still surprised by. It was difficult for us to conceive, and often I would question if there was something wrong with me. It seemed as if the world was able to get pregnant easily, and that if it was harder - it must mean I was broken. Through the journey of infertility, and then through the help of some science, the miraculous journey of pregnancy - I began to change how I saw myself. Motherhood and pregnancy were beautiful and messy and challenging, but so is life. The changes that happened to my body have given my scars both on the inside and out, but these I wear as badges of honor. To remind me of how strong and beautiful my body can be.

What was your postpartum experience?

I loved being pregnant. I was one of 'those' women that adored every part of the process. I attribute this to the fact that it was difficult to become pregnant, that I cherished every bump along the way. I loved my body, the changes, the belly. I felt beautiful in a way that I had never felt before. Labor...on the other hand, felt a bit different. Where in pregnancy I rolled with the unexpected with grace, in labor I tried to roll with it - but it was difficult. 32 hours of laughter, tears, grunts, and pain ended with an emergency cesarean and a beautiful screaming girl. I never planned on having a cesarean, and the recovery from this has been difficult. I did not expect that it would physically be so limiting, or require so much patience for myself.

What is your truth? 

You are stronger than you can possibly imagine. Your strength grows from your love of self, your child, and those that support you. Every part of you is beautiful, no matter how many hours of sleep you got (or didn't get), or how much baby spit up is in your hair.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I haven't always loved my physical body, but in the past year - as I journeyed to motherhood, I have felt a huge change. I love what this movement does to empower our communities to show the world that beauty is found in all parts of parenthood. The beauty is in our bodies, in our laughter, in our tears, and in how we collectively support each other.

Meggie Orgain

Meggie Orgain (33 - she/her) and Aidan (3)

Dallas, TX

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Shortly before I became pregnant, I had started learning about the Intuitive Eating/Health at Every Size movements. Both of these teach that smaller does not equal better, unlike what most of us have been taught our whole lives. I’m glad that I had this perspective shift before I became pregnant, because woah. I was pretty physically active before pregnancy, but experienced depression (undiagnosed) almost as soon as I learned I was pregnant, and had no energy or motivation to move my body. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed. My pregnancy was “normal” and “uncomplicated,” but I didn’t feel joy a single moment.

After a difficult and long labor, I gave birth via emergency cesarean. Nothing had gone according to “plan” and I was, for lack of a better word, lost. I felt broken—emotionally and physically. I felt like my body had failed, even though logically I knew it hadn’t. And the physical recovery was difficult and painful, all while trying to raise and breastfeed a newborn. The stretch marks from pregnancy and scar from my surgery are still very visible on me, and probably will be forever. My body does not look like it did before pregnancy and never will. On the one hand, this is a blessing because I have physical reminders of the amazing things my body did, but on the other it is hard to shake the “dream” of attaining the “perfect body” that doesn’t really exist. I am constantly asked if I am pregnant because of the shape/size of my midsection and clothes don’t fit me like they used to. All that said, I am doing my best to teach my son that all bodies are precious and worthy of respect. Which means I am trying my darndest to treat my body that way. I won’t pretend it’s easy, but it’s a goal I believe in and will continue to work toward everyday.

What was your postpartum experience? 

My postpartum period was incredibly hard—not that I believe there is such a thing as an easy postpartum period, but still. The depression that had set in at the beginning of my pregnancy continued into PPD. I couldn’t connect with my baby, I didn’t feel like myself, I was exhausted and in pain and felt so alone. I never thought it would be easy, but I also never dreamed it could be that bad. I was staying home alone with my son while my husband worked all day. The hours were excruciating and bland at the same time. I counted down the minutes to when my husband would come home from work. I started seeing a therapist when my son was about 5 months old. That helped. I stopped breastfeeding and got back on the birth control I had been on for over a decade when my son was 7 months. That helped more. I started working a part-time job when my son was 9 months old, and that helped even more. The final piece of the puzzle was when I started taking an antidepressant a couple of months after my son turned 1. I felt like me again. I felt like a mom. I felt like his mom. When I read stories about people who go through a postpartum period and it is anything but horrific, I assume they’re lying. Because I can’t comprehend anything different than what I went through. The past few years I have done my best to process what we all went through and change my perspective on what could be if we were to have another child, but it’s not easy when your only lived experience is so painful.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

If I could tell pre-pregnant me anything it would be to trust my intuition. I’m usually pretty spot on about things, but pregnancy and postpartum took away my autonomy and made me question everything about what I felt, believed, and knew. It has taken me a long time to get it back, and I believe that if I were to ever go through pregnancy again, I would be stronger in my own voice and convictions than I was the first time.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I stumbled upon this project on social media while I was trying to fill my feed with accounts that show bodies as they are, not as we have been taught they “should be.” From the minute I saw it and started reading the stories, I felt like I had found a ray of hope. I wanted to participate because stories like mine are not ones that I hear too often and I wanted to make sure that if anyone out there had a similar experience, they wouldn’t feel alone. Or if they look like me, they wouldn’t feel like their bodies are “wrong.”

Lauren Waters Jackson

Lauren Waters Jackson (30 - she/her), Wesley (14 months), 14 weeks pregnant with baby number two.

Austin, TX

How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Honestly, parenthood has exacerbated and brought out long standing struggles I've had with body image-which I'm still actively trying to work through and are a big part of why I chose to participate in this project. While I am someone who has been fortunate to get pregnant easily, being pregnant is not something my body seems to like-both my current and past pregnancy involved significant morning sickness and my last pregnancy ended with an emergency cesarean at 37 weeks due to rapidly elevating blood pressure, a very scary period of about 5 minutes where my son was non-responsive after birth due to his cord being wrapped around his neck and waist, and months of feeding problems due to his borderline early birth.

After all of this, I don't have the glowing "what an amazing thing my body can do" feeling that some moms reflect on. My body allowed me to get my son into the world safely, but barely. And on top of that, it's made me incredibly sick during my current pregnancy. And then on top of that, it's larger and squishier than it's ever been. I truly hope to someday feel more at peace with my body and its new form but getting there is proving to be a longer, harder road than I thought.

What was your postpartum experience?

I have a history of generalized anxiety disorder and depression, so I was terrified of the postpartum period and deeply concerned about developing PPD, PPA or PSI. I was incredibly fortunate in that, unlike pregnancy and birth, the postpartum period after Wes arrived went really smoothly. Aside from mild mood swings (thanks sleep deprivation!) I adjusted quickly to parenthood and fell deeply and irrevocably in love with my son the moment he arrived. I know this isn't every gestational parent's experience and I will always feel unspeakably grateful that my mind, body and community seemed to rally around me in the days after birth to allow me to have such a smooth entry in to parenthood. 

There were, of course, parts that were hard (mostly breastfeeding) but through that I had a wonderful support system-from an engaged partner and co-parent to friends who would drop everything to come over and hold my baby so I could nap, bring dinner by and talk through decisions I was struggling with to a wonderful pediatrician and lactation consultant to help me work through difficulties feeding my son to a therapist who was willing to hold biweekly FaceTime sessions in those early days after birth-and that made all the difference in the world. Reflecting back, my biggest regret is that we don't live in a country where these support systems are available to all new parents and their babies, though I hope someday that will change.

What is your truth? 

Parenting isn't something anyone should feel like they have to do in a vacuum. We all need, and deserve access to, resources at home and in our communities as we work to raise our children-so don't be afraid to ask for help and, if you have the resources/bandwidth, try to find ways to support new moms around you.

It is okay to make your own choices. I made several choices in my pregnancy, primarily staying on my anti-anxiety medications, that those around me questioned and, at first I wondered if I was doing my child a disservice. Ultimately, with reflection, I realized that being medicated was something I needed to survive the experience of pregnancy in both metaphorical and literal terms-and that was okay. I also ultimately decided to supplement breast milk with formula for my son. It's not the right choice for everyone, but it was the right choice for us and, again, he is just fine. Make your own choices and be okay that not everyone will agree.

You don't have to love pregnancy to love your child. One of the most impactful things a fellow mom in my circle said to me when I was pregnant was Wes was "You know, it's okay to hate this-you won't love your child less." Pregnancy felt like a battle with my body and I have, for a lot of both pregnancies, I felt beat down and demoralized by the experience. This was really hard the first time around because I worried it meant I wouldn't be able to love my son. That turned out to be a fear that didn't come true and I hope that by sharing my truth-that pregnancy can be hard and draining and demanding and people don't always love it-that I can spare another human the days/weeks/months of worry I went through when I was pregnant with Wes.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

As I prepare to welcome my second child in to the world, I wanted to put myself in a safe space to talk about my complicated feelings around my first birth experience. In following the 4th Trimester Bodies Project, I have been inspired by how it holds space for people to share their truths and honor the path they've walked to bring new life in to the world. I really hope that participating will be a first step in doing the hard work of getting ready to welcome my second child in a more positive, affirming way.

Kim Stumbo

Kim Stumbo (37 - she/her), Ethan (11), Harrison (7.5), and Dean (4.5)

Washington, DC

“I have had 2 losses. My first was when my oldest was just 14 months old and we weren't actively trying. It was a huge surprise, I was ecstatic and scared to be pregnant again! I immediately called my dad, grandparents and best friends. I went to the doctors to get the official test done. It was then, that she asked what day I had taken the home pregnancy test, she said my levels were very low per what my last menstrual cycle was, she said I was at risk for a miscarriage. I left feeling defeated yet, determined that I wouldn't lose it. We had family photos done at Sears (pre planned) that evening and it was my plan to announce this surprise pregnancy via our Christmas card. That night I started bleeding. It was confirmed the next day, I had lost the pregnancy. I still look at that photo and feel the disappointment and sadness from the events that followed even with the huge smiles on our faces.

My next loss occurred after my youngest was born. He was a 28 week preemie, and spent 74 days in the NICU. After his birth I was told I would have to have another c-section if I became pregnant. We were done, we didn’t want to risk my health, having had pre-ecclampsia with all 3 pregnancies, and risk having another preemie. So my husband scheduled his vasectomy. It was scheduled for a Friday, and on Monday that week I found out I was pregnant, my youngest was 2 1/2 at the time. I was kind of excited because I was hoping this time, I would have the pregnancy and delivery I envisioned. And it would help me recover from the trauma of my last birth. Nope, it wasn’t meant to be. Thursday I started bleeding and went to the OB/GYN she confirmed I had lost the pregnancy. Friday I sat with my husband as he got his vasectomy done.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I use to worry more about my limb difference before having children, and when I was a new mom. Until I realized that my limb difference was truly what made me a better mom/parent. My experiences, my understanding of things outside of the norm have helped me raise my boys to be more compassionate, accepting and overall good human beings.

I realized that my body is pretty awesome, perfectly imperfect in every way!

What was your postpartum experience?

My postpartum journey was vastly different each time. With my first child, I was overwhelmed, insecure and lonely. My mother had passed away 7 years before I had my oldest son. I lost her when I was just 18 years old. She was my rock, the one who always encouraged me and made me confident regarding my limb difference. Loosing her when I was essentially still a child affected me for a very long time. I got married and had my babies without her.

As most new moms, we rely on the support of our own moms or mother figures. I didn’t have that, I was scared, doubted my ability to be a good mom because of my limb difference. What had I just brought this innocent baby into? I knew I was strong, but it was hidden under the grief of being a motherless daughter. I struggled with breastfeeding, felt like a failure when I had to go to formula after just 5 days. I was hyper vigilant watching him nonstop so scared something would happen. I wore myself down, cried a lot the first couple weeks and doubted everything. Eventually I got through it, though I probably had an undiagnosed bout of PPD. As he grew that first year I gained more confidence in my abilities.

After a couple years and a move to Virginia, from New York where we were stationed at the time, we had another child. This time I was closer to my Dad, who lived in NC about 3 hrs away. My dad was my confidence booster. Always telling me what a great mom I was. How proud my mom would be/was of me and he was there to help me while my husband was out to sea. My pregnancy was good just like my first one no complications until the pre-eclampsia came about. Again, just like my first, I had him a little early, 38 weeks, my first was 37.5. After the birth, I recovered well, felt good and moved through the newborn stage with ease. I didn’t stress myself over trying to breastfeed this time, I couldn’t put myself through that again. My doctors and husband supported my exclusive bottle feeding and my son was the best baby. I enjoyed my time, even with a toddler running around I felt confident.

My final birth and postpartum experience threw me for a loop. I was 32 when my youngest was born. The previous two I had in my 20’s, 26 and 29 years old. We had been trying for several months before I finally conceived. I found out I was pregnant in June 2014. My world would forever change from that moment forward. My father had moved in with me and my family the month before. I was excited to have him with us, I was an only child and my mom was already gone. My dad was a wonderful grandaddy to my boys. So it was great to have him with us full time! After finding out I was pregnant, we were all excited!

Though, I had a cloud over my head, my dearest cousin was home on hospice, he was dying of AIDS. I had spoken with him planning on coming to see him later that week, we thought we had more time. Unfortunately we lost him very soon after, I also didn’t tell him I was pregnant. It hurt me that I didn’t get to tell him, he loved my boys fiercely, and was very special to me. I was only about 7-8 weeks along when I got the call that he had passed. That same day, in the evening, I got a call from my beloved Meemaw (Grandmother), she had been diagnosed with cancer. My world, my heart, everything broke down. I would go on to move both my grandparents in with me from NC to VA and care for my Meemaw while she was on hospice with metastatic bone cancer. We lost her September 14, 2014, her 83rd birthday.

Approximately 10 weeks later I would find myself in the hospital with early onset pre-eclampsia. I would spend 8 days in the hospital regulating my blood pressure and watching my vitals along with my unborn baby. December 1st, 2014 was the day they took him. In a crazy whirlwind of nurses, I was rushed to the OR for an emergency cesarean, my son’s heart rate dropped to 50 and wasn’t coming up, they lost it briefly on the monitors. He needed to be taken out right then. My husband, thankfully was already with me that day. I tried to remain calm, listen to everything they were telling me, process what was about to happen, and I think I did for the most part. But that’s what I do, I go through the motions.

We then spent 74 days in the NICU, growing from his birth weight of 2lbs 12oz to 6lbs 2oz at discharge. We went through him being on a ventilator for the first almost 3 weeks of his life to coming home on minimal oxygen support. We survived the typical preemie issues, forgetting to breathe while eating, hernia repair and delayed milestones. But, he overcame everything. I went through the motions, didn’t realize I needed help till he was 6 months old. I was diagnosed with PPD and treated this time. But, medication didn’t fix everything. It wasn’t till he 2-3 years old that I finally dealt with the trauma from his birth, the grief I experienced during his pregnancy with the loss of my loved ones, which continued with the loss of my father when my youngest was just 14 month old.

My postpartum recovery lasted for years. And only now can I look back and see where it all piled up, where being strong for so long broke me down. I had the right to grieve the losses of my loved ones, to grieve the loss of my last trimester of pregnancy, to allow myself to mentally recover from the trauma of an emergency cesarean, premature birth and NICU stay. I just didn’t, not then, but I have since then, and it has made all the difference.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

1.Don't ever doubt yourself, you can and will do things you way AND that is perfect.

2. You are the best mother for your children.

3. Don't base you self worth on what society says you have to be.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I have followed this movement since 2014, and was moved by the stories and representation. All the similarities and differences between the mothers/parents that connect us as a whole.

I also was moved to participate to include mothers with differences and disabilities. Growing up I never saw a mother like myself with a limb difference. Or really any mom's with a disability of any kind. I knew they existed, I just never saw one represented anywhere.

I knew I wanted to be that example for the kids and other adults who were different. Who questioned whether they would have these basic wants, to find love, have a family. I want to be who I needed to see when I was a kid. Does someone like me exist? Has someone like me had what I desperately wanted? I have made it my purpose to be that, to be seen and to share my stories, both triumphs and trials. We are here to learn and grow, what better way to do that than to share our lives and see we really aren't so different?

As a means to help spread my story as a limb different parent I wrote and published my first book “The Adventures of The One Arm Wondermom” in March 2018. I share not just my story, but that of my 3 amazing boys and how we turn differences/disabilities into our superpowers!

You can get your copy here.

Leah Clay

Leah Clay (24), Zoey Armani (4) and Royal Amorie (9 weeks)

Atlanta, GA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I’m learning to fall in love with myself again . I had Zoey at 19 and before I became pregnant with her I was always a small girl never weighed over 150. So it was hard to accept all the weight I gained after I had her . I expected to go right back to my smaller self and I didn’t and I honestly didn’t what to do, all I did was eat more and more.

What was your postpartum experience?

Honestly, I’m still adjusting with Zoey it’s was rough. I was at such a different mentality at 19 . I was too scared to show how I felt. I didn't want to be treated like I a young mother that don’t know anything so I faked like I had it all together . Now currently with Royal honesty I’m struggling. I have my good days, my bad days , and my rock bottom days - some days I feel like pure crap and like I’m the worst mother in the world especially after having to have a emergency cesarean with Royal. I expected everything to be picture perfect but it was far from that and now I’m learning to be okay with that.

What is your truth?

My truth is that I don’t always have it together and that is okay.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

To the former Leah , it’s okay to cry it’s okay to yell and don’t let anyone make your not good enough or like your ungrateful because you’re not always happy. You’re human too and it’s okay to have emotions . You’re beautiful inside and out regardless of what anyone else has to say.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

What brought me here today is this beautiful movement to love your postpartum self. If we only showed to love your postpartum self if everything went back to how it was before and honestly for most women things are never the same again and that’s okay.

Larissa Olivieri

Larissa Olivieri (36 - she/her) and Lars (6)

Brazil | Atlanta, GA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I am still in awe that I was able to grow a little human. I enjoyed every week and every change that happened during my gestation. I was never what society calls "a small girl", and that only bothered me once in all my life, due to a bad relationship and that messed my confidence so much. I put on a lot of extra weight on the past few years, and it took me a while, but I learned to love my body again specially after the birth of my son. And no matter what shape I am in I try to be healthy and active as much as I can so I can have the strength to take care of my son and physically help him as long as I can.

What was your postpartum experience?

My postpartum journey consists of a lot of PTSD, and High Function Depression. I was not planning on having kids at all, and even though my pregnancy was not planned I was extremely happy when I learned about it, and decided to keep it and take care of the baby all by myself.

At 27 weeks I had an emergency C-section due to a Brain Hemorrhage that my baby had while in utero. You expect that full gestation and make plans of what your future and the future of your child would be like. And then you get rushed to the ER and hear that your baby is very sick and is not going to survive the night, I was in shock, this is not the nature of things, this is not how is suppose to happen.

We spent 114 days at the NICU, but who's counting right? I gave up on everything but my son and dedicated every second of my days to spend with him. I lost my job, I lost my friends, I lost my mind.

I was so numb that I didn't feel any kind of pain during the recovery period for my cesarean. The next day I was walking up and down that hospital just to get to my kid every single day. It took me 3 weeks to be able to hold that little 1lb baby, and in that moment, everything made sense, we needed each other. Lars had to go through a dozen of surgeries to help save his life. I am glad I fought with every single Doctor that suggest that I should shut down the machines and let him go.

But the period of grief never ends. Every time he has a seizure, or a shunt malfunction or a simple cold, I start to think if I my decision was selfish, if I was thinking about me and not about him or his future. And I am pretty sure that I will be asking that to myself forever. I wasn't able to breastfeed him, my nipples are very very tiny for latching, but I was able to produce milk for a while, and when I couldn't anymore I chose to give him donor's milk before switching to formula.

My Depression is High Function, my loneliness is real, and my PTSD is probably eternal, but my son is my strength. I am his advocate, his voice, his parent, and he is my life.

What is your truth?

Being a single mom by choice, and coming from a long line of very Strong "Single Mothers" Women, I would say my truth is that I CAN. I can be strong, I can be happy, I can make it work. I know that is very cliche, but you don't know how Strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I learned about this project through it first tour stop in Atlanta a few years ago, Lars was in the NICU at the time, and Ash and Nova story had a some similarity with mine. So I started to follow it. And the same way these participants gave me hope and strength, I hope that my story can give other people the same.

Sara Rausch and Emili Jean

Sara Rausch (38 - she/her), with her children Emili Jean (22 - she/her), Isabella (3), Ava (2), and her grandchildren Grayson (3), and Charlotte (1)

Davenport, IA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I have always been super concerned about my weight and looks. From a very young age, I was very controlling of my food intake and exercise in an attempt to stay very thin. After going to chiropractic school, becoming a serious yogi, becoming involved with BIRTHFIT, and then getting pregnant with my second baby, I began to embrace that food and movement were not just a form of punishment. As I began to move and eat more intentionally (eating what and when felt good, moving when and how it felt good) I started feeling better in my body mentally and physically. After 34 years of hating my body and punishing it for not being perfect, it feels so great to now honor it for it's strength and abilities (like growing 3 beautiful, strong daughters).

What was your postpartum experience?

The biggest impact my postpartum journeys have had on me was learning that we do not support women even a fraction of what we should in the postpartum and it is now my life's work and passion to change that for women in the Quad Cities (and the world)! My first baby was born when I was 15 years old and no one mentioned one thing about how I should care for myself after having her. I left the hospital with a 2 day old baby, a squirt bottle for the stitches from an nonconsensual episiotomy, diastasis recti (I had no clue about this until 18 years later), and a small bladder prolapse (I also didn't learn about this until 20 years later).

My second baby was delivered via (a very unwanted) emergency cesarean section due to being footling breech with cord prolapse. I was released from the hospital after 42 hours with zero mention of rehabbing my core after having my abdominal wall cut open. My third baby was a perfect unmedicated VBAC and everything went exactly as I had planned and wanted but I ended up having a super tough time postpartum and still feel as though things are not back to normal after 2 years.

When I realized that things were not going ideally, I reached out to my midwife and primary care physician, and was pretty much shrugged off. There are so many aspects of my three postpartum experiences that still completely shock me!! I can not believe that it is not standard of care to check EVERY woman for things like diastasis recti, prolapse, thyroid dysfunction, and perinatal mental health troubles at regular intervals throughout the postpartum period and have providers know where they should refer to get help! I can't believe that women continue to think that urine leakage or low back pain or hair loss or apathy or chronic fatigue are all normal and just something we have to deal with because we chose to grow a human! I am disappointed that we have lost our villages and so many moms go so unsupported through life and motherhood, feeling like they can't or shouldn't ask for help so instead they suffer in silence. I am saddened that many of our concerns after having a baby are about how fast we can "bounce back" or get our "prebaby bodies" back or return to our regular activities like work and exercise!

What is your truth?

We frickin' matter!!! Healthy babies are totally awesome but healthy, happy mothers are just as important!

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I love everything about supporting, celebrating and connecting with women through motherhood, especially in the postpartum!