Sarah Gamble

Sarah Gamble (32 - she/her), Caleb (5) Lucy (stillborn at 37 weeks- would be 2.5), and Jude (1.5)

Austin, TX

“I started my motherhood journey with a chemical pregnancy. I then got pregnant the next month. I found out I was miscarrying at 11 weeks and miscarried at home at 12 weeks. It was terrible but also special because we were able to burry it in the woods behind my house which I am still grateful for. Things took a turn a couple hours later and I started to bleed profusely. I was rushed to the hospital and had an emergency D&C. I got pregnant the next months (again) and had my son. 3 years later I went into labor with my daughter. I went into the birth center to get checked and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. She had died earlier in the day from a cord injury. She also had undetected IUGR.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I think there are days I still see women and feel envy but for the most part I am at peace with my body. I had IUGR with both my daughter and my youngest son. My body quite literally failed at growing my babies. I had a very difficult relationship with my body after having my daughter. Life postpartum without a baby to focus on was terrible. But my body has grown one healthy baby and has fed my two boys along with a donor recipient of the milk I made for Lucy. Like most things in life, it is messy. My body has betrayed me but it has also given me the most amazing gift. It’s almost like my relationship with my body is too deep and intense for me to really care about my chubby belly and wobbly thighs.

What was your postpartum experience? 

With my first son it was all so new. I wish I had moved slower and mellowed out but I was 26 and pretty clueless. After my daughter was born, in so many ways I was a grieving mother, not a postpartum mom. I was planning a funeral, not taking herbal baths. Also, because my daughter was only 5 pounds, my physical recovery was quick. With my son, we knew he would be small and most likely be in the NICU. He was 5 pounds 1 ounce and I delivered him a year and two weeks after I had Lucy. My physical recovery was pretty easy. I hated being in the hospital but I knew this was not the worst case scenario. I’d lived that.

What is your truth?

Your body is worthy of love, no matter what.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I’ve followed 4th Trimester Body Project for years. It has really shaped the way I see my body. I think pages like this help counteract the saturation of conventional beauty. Now I’m saturated with real bodies and I love it. This is also a space that doesn’t shy away from the truth that babies die. That is still so rare. For many loss mothers, we don’t have many people in our lives who are marked by that kind of loss. Seeing women who have lived through a similar experience has brought me a lot of comfort.

Sam Dayze

Sam Dayze (33 - he/him). Parent to Starren (10 - she/her), Finnick (5 - she/her), and Shelter (3 - he/him)

Mobile, AL | New Orleans, LA

“I’ve had one miscarriage. My partner has had two. All of our pregnancies have been through at home artificial insemination. She was pregnant with what was going to be our first child when we were on our way to Orlando with friends. We got in a car wreck, and she miscarried the day after. It was hard, and we stopped trying for awhile. When we were ready to try again, we decided we’d both try to conceive. I conceived right away, but I miscarried at around 6 weeks. We found out she was pregnant a week later. I had so many emotions—excitement, fear, jealousy. My loss definitely sent me into a pretty deep depression it was hard to work through, and it was gut wrenching to reconcile that with the happy we’re-having-a-baby feelings I was also experiencing, and it was even harder to let go of the fear that we were going to lose this one too. But then she was born, and all was well. When our oldest child was two, we decided to try again, and my partner miscarried around 6 weeks. It was devastating, for her especially. We tabled having another baby for another two years, and then she still wasn’t ready to try pregnancy again, so I carried that one...and I spent the entire pregnancy scared I would lose the baby, at first because I’d had a loss before and after that because I developed a high risk condition.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I was sexually abused as a child. I always hated my body, because it was used against me. I self harmed. I didn’t want people to look at me or notice me. So my clothes were always oversized. I still struggle with binge eating disorder. I was the person wearing a jacket in 97 degree weather. Having kids forced me to be a lot more cognizant of all of that, and to do the work to process it, because I didn’t want them carrying the same baggage. I’m a lot more appreciative of my body now. This body was used to hurt me, but this body also crafted two babies, carried one to term and through birth, nursed that child for three and a half years, fed a few others through milk donation, and fed my third child who I didn’t birth. I’m especially proud I helped feed our third baby. He was born at 31 weeks via cesarean, because my partner developed severe preeclampsia. Between her and me and many milk donors, he got the human milk he needed to thrive.

Parenthood, especially parenting Finnick, also helped me understand my gender and start doing things for my body that made it feel more ME. Researching things for her—first when her presentation was consistently gender non-conforming from the time she began talking and reaching for clothes and other things on her own, and again when she was “not a boy, just a Finnick!”, and then again when she said she’s a girl and changed her pronouns to she and her—helped me put words to things I’d been feeling for years but didn’t have the language for. I started shopping a little differently, wearing my hair differently, adjusting my language, and feeling more ME in my body. In June I had surgery. My insurance wouldn’t cover top surgery, but they covered a reduction, and I asked my doctors to please take off as much as possible, and adjust the areola size and position...when I woke up and looked down, I just felt such profound relief I cried. I still do sometimes. This body fits who I am so much better now. I’m still the jackets in July guy though.

What was your postpartum experience?

I was sick when I was pregnant with Finnick. I had hyperemesis. I developed a heart arrhythmia. It was a never ending round of midwife appointments, high risk OB appointments, cardiology appointments, electrophysiology appointments , and multiple ER trips and hospitalizations, all between working full time and parenting a 5 year old. I was exhausted and full of anxiety, but I was also dealing with all of these feelings of nothing about my body or my self feeling right anymore. Discomfort with some aspects of womanhood wasn’t new to me—my kids call me Nova, because my partner was Mom, and none of the mother words ever felt comfortable or right for me. But pregnancy is when I first really started verbalizing that I didn’t feel altogether female. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t have time to think of what I expected postpartum. My energy went to coping with my fears surrounding delivery because of my health, but none of them came to pass. I had the quiet, unmedicated vaginal delivery I wanted with our midwife, backed by the high risk obstetrics team, that we as a family didn’t get with our first baby, who was born via emergency cesarean.

But while labor was a breath of fresh air after a miserable pregnancy, postpartum was...it was difficult. Unlike our oldest baby, Finnick cried, for hours on end. I remember listening to Demons by Imagine Dragons on repeat, or sitting in the bathtub with her cradled in my arms, with the water running and her whole body submerged except for her face, or wearing her in a carrier all day and night, because those were the only things that helped calm her down. I struggled with nursing in the beginning. She had jaundice, but it was so slight they discharged us home and had us come back every day for heel sticks, thinking it would resolve with frequent nursing and summer sunlight.

At eight days old, she was finally hospitalized with dehydration and a bilirubin of 23. I felt like a failure. Sleep was rare. At two weeks old, the pediatrician told me she was still losing weight. Again, I felt like a failure. So there was home healthcare and lactation consultants, and trying to figure out the problem, and finally at over a month old, she got back to her birth weight. I had to return to work at six weeks postpartum because I ran out of paid sick leave and couldn’t afford unpaid time. When I went to work and she got my milk in a bottle, she started refusing to nurse. And I felt like a failure again. We worked through that with sweat and tears, and then sometimes I’d have to leave a shift on my lunch break just to hold her for 20 minutes and nurse her while my partner sat in a quiet room because the baby had been screaming all night.

At three months postpartum, I had a cardiac ablation because medication still wasn’t controlling the arrythmia that didn’t go away post birth. I had complications involving defibrillation, and I returned to work a few days later because I couldn’t afford not to. After surgery, my milk supply tanked...and I felt like a failure again while I worked through that. It was just...hard. And isolating. And exhausting. And someone was always touching me. And it was never quiet. I constantly felt like I couldn’t breathe through the anxiety. I loved nursing but hated my chest more than ever, and I’d hated and resented it all my life already. My dysphoria bloomed, but I didn’t fully understand what it was or how to quantify it for a few more years.

Seeking out a purpose helped me cope. My pregnancy struggles taught me that many people don’t have supportive bedside care and advocation for their emotional needs and their birth plans, much less while managing high risk conditions. I had support a lot of people don’t get, and yet I found myself still lacking some of the care and help I needed. There aren’t enough midwives. There isn’t enough pregnancy, labor and postpartum support. There isn’t enough queer competent care. So I made a plan to go back to school and be some of that support for someone, and now I’m a labor nurse at the same hospital in which my kids were born.

Things got better over time. My milk supply went back up. I found a parenting support group. And we reached out to family for help. People from the group or a few family members would keep Finnick for a few hours at a time so we could breathe. My father in law came over and rocked her on his chest all night more than once so we could get more than 2 hours of sleep. At six months old, she started crying less, though things were still tough for her, and we didn’t know why. And when she was two we learned her 4th trimester struggle was because she had sensory processing disorder and was overwhelmed by all the things, and now we know she is autistic as well, as is my partner, and possibly me. Occupational therapy and learning how to help her navigate this world and accommodate her sensory and communication needs made a world of difference.

What is your truth?

You’re not failing at this. It’s hard. It’s really hard, and we have nothing in place to ease that burden. We have no pregnancy or parental leave. We have little access to the full spectrum of healthcare. We have no reliable safety nets. We have unhealthy work expectations and low wages. You are not failing at parenting. The system we have in place is failing you.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Because there are times I feel invisible, and I want to be seen. Because I am still doing the work of getting comfortable in my body, and I always will be. Because ash’s photos bring me joy. Because I want people to know it’s ok to struggle with pregnancy and parenting, and to not love every aspect of either. Because there are other parents like me out there, and I want them to know they are loved and they are valid, and it’s okay to not know the words for yourself or to discover them at any age or to just be a person without words or labels.

Noelle Beutler

Noelle Beutler (35 - currently 20 weeks pregnant), Emmery (8), Max (5) and Saoirse (7 mo in Heaven).

Long Island, NY

Noelle shares -

“I’ve had one termination, two living children, one miscarriage, and one full term stillbirth.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

My body image has always been a battle. Constant comparisons, diets, up and down weight changes. I constantly tried to hide my “imperfections” based on other people’s standards. I look back at photos pre-parenthood and am shocked at how horribly wrong I was.

After my first born in 2011 I was back in my pre-pregnancy clothing quick. I felt happy. I had stretch marks that I always kept covered, but I made a tiny human and I looked good after. With my son in 2013 I developed diastasis recti. My body changed in ways I didn’t know possible and didn’t know why. I always looked pregnant. No matter what I did. My self esteem took a hit and into hiding I went. Spanx was my best friend. I developed postpartum depression that I buried deep down inside until it finally was diagnosed when my son was 11 months old. I didn’t look or feel myself and it was hard.

In 2017 we were pregnant again! I loved my pregnant body always, with each pregnancy. Pregnancy was easy for me. Uncomplicated, comfortable, beautiful and glowing. I show really quickly which tweaked a bit at my mental body image ideals of pregnant women but I’m over it fairly quickly... but this time I miscarried at 9 weeks. This sent me into a downward spiral immediately. My body failed. I failed. I failed my husband. I failed my family. We hadn’t told the kids yet so they just saw me upset and didn’t know why. It took me a year to feel “okay” enough to try again and we got pregnant on the first try.

I had another uncomplicated, easy pregnancy. I was belly wrapping and had a beautiful henna piece to showcase my amazing rainbow baby bump. It felt amazing. During my early stages of labor it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat. Later that day I delivered my daughter at home surrounded by love. I hated my body. I still hate my body to this day. It was my fault. I did this. The physical pain of loss is indescribable. Even now, today, at 20 weeks pregnant. I resent my body. I don’t want to look at myself. I hide my belly which is close to impossible now with summer. And the physical pain still exists. This dark cloud has taken over and who knows how long it will take to pass. Hopefully, I will one day feel connected to this vessel of mine. Hopefully, one day I will look at myself and thank it for what it has blessed me with. I would say that parenthood has severely impacted my body image. I have ups and downs and in this moment I’m on that downhill slide just hanging on for the ride.

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum is hard. There is little to no preparation for life after a baby is born. Our culture is so obsessed with pregnancy and babies that we forget about the birthers. Everyone wants to hold the baby, see the baby, buy baby things, sit and relax with the baby. How IS mom? How IS dad? How ARE siblings? No one knows because no one really cares. All that matters is that the baby is oh so cute and my gosh look at those rolls! One month, two months, six months down the line and people have already moved on, are fed up with your photos and roll their eyes at another question.

My postpartum journey began strong with my daughter. She was my first born and it was easy to sit on the couch all day and watch her sleep. Our breastfeeding relationship was cut short by an emergency surgery I needed when she was four weeks old. The guilt from giving up broke me. I got back up and kept going knowing I was doing the very best I could do. Finally the weight was lifted off my shoulders and we moved forward.

My son was born in 2013. I was induced at 41ish weeks and he spent 7 days in the NICU. He was sedated for the first two days. I could not hold him, feed him, change him. I was released on day 3 and had to travel back and fourth from home to hospital for the last four days of his stay. My husband and I had to take turns because my daughter was not allowed to see him. It was terrible and I was so very stressed. My husbands time from work was used to watch our daughter so I could be at the hospital for feedings. That time was supposed to be for us to bond as a family. We lost those moments. Balancing two kids was difficult. I made every effort to accommodate Emmery and not use Max as an excuse. There was zero time for my self care. My cup ran on empty often as the thought of doing something for myself presented with overwhelming mom guilt. I cried all the time. I lost interest in everything I loved. There was no more joy. I suffered from postpartum depression and didn’t know where to turn so I buried it deep down inside. It wasn’t until I was 11 months postpartum that I finally sought help and was medicated. That helped for a bit, things got better and I slowly weaned off the meds.

In 2017, we found out we were expecting again around 6-7 weeks along. This was going to be my healing birth. Healing the trauma from my sons birth and postpartum experience. I began to miscarry at 9 weeks. I was devastated. I’ve never had fertility or pregnancy issues. This was new to me and it crushed me. I chose to miscarry naturally so I bled on and off for quite a while before any normalcy returned. No one knew we were expecting so I didn’t have to deal with telling anyone the news. I kept telling myself 1 in 4 women miscarry. It’s just a part of pregnancy. It happens. Society says it’s normal. So I grieved silently and slowly moved forward.

After a year of fearing it would happen again we decided to try for another baby. We got pregnant quickly and of course waiting until we were in the “safe zone” to announce it to the world! We were pregnant!! 14 weeks!! Yay! Pregnancy was easy for me, no hiccups, no complications. Our planned home birth was going to happen and my kids would join me and my husband in the pool with their brand new brother or sister! It would be amazing. THIS was my healing birth. I was surrounded by love and light! I was educated and knew what I wanted.

I began slowly leaking on 11/11/18 at 11:11pm. After sleeping the night with slight contractions and a few bathroom trips, at 11am the next morning we discovered our baby had no heartbeat. My husband, midwife, myself, and doula decided to leave the hospital and have our baby at home surrounded by love. This was a little less than 7 months ago. An entire piece of me is missing. There are no words to describe birthing a dead baby. The silence is deafening. No words to describe having to say hello and goodbye in the same breath. No words to describe your daughter crying into you arms as the pain consumes her as well. No words to describe my kids and I watching as my husband placed our daughter into a black casket that would take her away from us forever. I am a different person today. I don’t recognize myself. I’m not sure I will ever recognize myself again. This is a new life I never expected.

I am thankful for the strong women in my life. I am thankful for my living children and my husband. They keep me going. They help me laugh and to see the good in this new life. I will say that a big part of my postpartum healing journey was pumping after Saoirse’s birth. I pumped over 2,000oz and was able to donate and help nourish 5 babies. Saoirse nourished 5 babies. I was just the vessel from which her love flowed. It was these pumping sessions that helped me begin the grieving process. It got me through what would be the most physically and emotionally extreme postpartum time I’ve had. Grief has no concrete path and flares at no predictable moment. Triggers are all over. There is no time frame with grief. I will grieve forever until we are reunited.

What is your truth?
Live in your moment. Acknowledge your emotions, feel your pain, feel you joy. They are all valid and it’s okay to not be okay... It’s taken me 8 years, 2 living children, one miscarriage and the loss of our daughter to realize that you need to fill YOUR cup first. I need to take care of myself the best I can before I can take care of others. Postpartum is different for everyone, especially after loss. Find your tribe. Trust me, they are out there. Ask for help. Follow your gut - It doesn’t lie. There’s a mantra that I’ve heard and try to convince myself to follow on a daily basis - I will not let fear stand in the way of joy. It’s difficult but I’m trying. It’s the best I can do at this point in my journey.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Our society needs to revamp postpartum. It is not ALL about the baby. Parents need support, siblings need support. This project is wonderful in showing the vast differences of postpartum periods for many individuals. Reading others journeys allows them the ability to connect, to feel validated. You are never alone, there is always someone who shares a similar story. This project shines a light on those with imperfect social media stories. It’s not all the rainbows and unicorns you see on Facebook. Behind that sweet baby post is a parent who is unsure of something in their life. I wasn’t going to share my story, but there are others who need to hear it. I am a full term stillbirth mom. Not a day goes by that I don’t think or cry about my daughter and that’s okay. Loss sucks. Grief sucks. Pregnancy after loss is a full on daily panic attack. You are not alone.

Heather Nischke

Heather Nischke (30), mother to Sam (9), Harper (6), and Penelope (4)

Milwaukee, WI

Heather is has previously participated in this project twice. You can view her original photo and story from 2014 here and her follow up from 2015 here.

Heather shares -

“My most recent pregnancy ended in miscarriage. It was an awful period for us. The election had just ended, I'm a survivor of childhood sexual assault and I was in a PTSD triggered state of extreme anxiety. I couldn't leave the house for over a month. I didn't think I could handle a pregnancy at that time, I heavily considered an abortion but ultimately decided that I was going to find some extra support so I could heal and get through the pregnancy and postpartum period. Within a few days of accepting that we were going to become a family of 6 my body started to show signs of an early miscarriage. I held a lot of guilt surrounding my loss but it motivated me to find an incredible therapist who helped me process everything I'd been going through.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Pregnancy and parenthood have helped me heal. I've always been heavier than the average peer because of the side effects of medications. I struggled with how I saw myself and dabbled in eating disorders (both over and under eating). Pregnancy and lactation helped me connect to my body in a new way, it showed me that my body could do incredible things. I can 100% say that I love my body and everything it's been through.

What was your postpartum experience?

Physically my postpartum journeys have been pretty straightforward. I struggled with nursing my first baby but was successful with exclusive pumping, I was also able to exclusively nurse my second baby even with issues in the early weeks, I was also able to donate several thousand ounces of milk. Emotionally speaking, postpartum was really fucking hard. I thought I could do it all, I was raised by a single mom and figured it would be so much easier because I have a partner. I was naive and we had zero support. It was all on us, all the time. It showed me how much of a disservice we're doing to parents.

What is your truth?

I'd say that parenthood is hard, that you're probably going to feel like you're not doing it right. You're probably going to second guess every choice for a long time. And just when you feel like you're getting it they'll change it up on you. You're going to feel like you yell too much only to realize it's because they tune you out most of the time now. The truth is we're all just trying to do our best and we all need a friend or community to lean on during the chaos of life.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I came back because I feel that it's time to show myself as an individual some love. I've talked about my stories surrounding my kids. Now it's time to talk about healing myself and coming out of the haze stronger than I've ever felt. I want others who are dealing with PMADs or mental health issues in general to know that they aren't alone in these struggles. I want others to know that it can get better.

Joyce Faye Arnold

Joyce Faye Arnold (31), Gabrielle Alexis “Gabbie” (13), Charlotte Ann “Charlie” (5), Cooper Ryan (Stillborn at 21-22 wks in 2015), Emery Blaine “Emie B.” (16 months).

Nashville, TN

Joyce shares -

“We found out 9 days after our gender reveal blue cake that our boys heart had stopped beating. I was sent that evening to deliver him via induction at the hospital. I was able to deliver our beautiful silent boy naturally and spend a few hours holding him. We now frame our life in moments before and after him. He was a dream come true. However, The story of him would not end the day I delivered him.

I began pumping that same day in the hospital to become what is known as a Grief Donor. My boy and I were able to give over 9,600 ounces of breast milk over the course of a year to local recipient babies and fragile infants through Mothers Milk Bank of North Texas. Though he never was of this world, he's still the most beautiful part of my existence as a mother. He brought me the most beautiful year of strength, selflessness, and the most beautiful group of women (My Tribe) to see me to day 366 along with so many sweet little faces to have something tangible through out the journey of him. He may have silently passed in the womb, but he never knew cold or hunger, and I am sure he heard our sheer excitement and love for him at his gender reveal with our families.

He is still very much with me everyday in the faces of people he brought into my life, and in the faces of the growing babies he helped give the best start to. He is still driving me in the grief community as Volunteer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and getting a Caring Cradle donated to our local hospital in his honor. The story of him stays further alive in me with future plans to be a Certified Lactation Counselor to help other loss moms heal through breast milk with Grief Donation. His little life forever a heartbreakingly beautiful part of me being a mother.

Parenthood had impacted my body image especially negatively after loosing Cooper. Empty arms met with a body ravaged from an empty pregnancy was hard on me mentally and physically. Weight never left after him partly due to breastfeeding and a sedentary lifestyle attached to the pump, and partly due to the depression that follows a loss and my coping mechanism of eating my feelings. It was always okay to me through justifying what my body was giving to others through my own loss. My weight wasn't on my list of concerns at the time.

Fast forward to having our rainbow Emie early 2017. I suffered a 43 lb weight loss in the first 9 weeks of her pregnancy due to HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum), but was able to quickly pack my weight back on thanks to my OBGYN and meds. Weight on, weight off, weight on, weight off sure does wreak havoc. I still hate my body at times despite the beautiful children it has given me. It is so hard to not refer to my own body as wrecked, but I am not sure anything could look the same after what pregnancy sends the body through. so that is the trade off we make. I don't always see myself as beautiful when I look in the mirror, but then those little faces pop into the mirror beside me accompanied by those giggles and my body image seems to become so irrelevant. I often don't even remember what pucker or roll or mark I was eyeing in the mirror, because they flood my vision. It is amazing what parenthood can do both for and against body image.

I bounced back so easily as an 18 year old mother, and even as a 25 year old with my second. However at 30, three times as busy and heartbroken it really was not even on my mind. I felt awful about my clothes not fitting and constant nursing appetite, but it was easy to pass it off as "eating for recipients". Postpartum after my Emie I have adjusted to my weight being the "new me". I had my herniated belly button fixed some months after she was born, because it really left people making comments about me expecting again, though I wasn't. There is no worse a sting about your weight than several people asking about your new pregnancy, right? It feels terrible. Even with a witty comeback you still carry what they said with you. I now have a terrible crooked scar from that surgery and you guessed it, I hate it too. My tummy is riddled with upper Distatsis Recti that won't leave without more extensive surgery and I almost always look bloated and pregnant.

I often convince myself that I should be glad for every bump, mark and scar because I should be. look at the dolls who I brought into this world. Look at Cooper’s legacy I was able to leave with my body. I really had expected to bounce right back, but the unexpected has left me down on myself at times. When I learned about this project and heard Ashlee's story I immediately signed up. It all hits home with me on so many levels. I need to love me. I'm more than this wrecked body. I know it isn't all that I am. although it does take reminding constantly, I just need look at all its given me. In a sense our pregnancies trade our bodies for the new life we hope to bring into the world. In saying that, I would gladly trade my shape, skin, and breasts for them. I would make that trade a million times over in a hundred other lifetimes.

I am not just a wrecked under cared for body. I would tell me today that you are not a pant size, and your not a fit that can be bought just anywhere. You are not your measurements. I would tell me today that all the love of your girls and Cooper would supersede what you fit into, and what you feel good/bad wearing. I would tell a new parent, that time is fleeting and its too beautiful of a time to be worried about your size or stretch marks, bumps or puckers. You can fix those things later, but your babies are only babies once.

I am here because even though I still am working on self love daily within me, I have so many reasons to love myself. I may not be the smaller me I was, and I may never be her again, but my children were so worth it. I want other parents to know their baby's were all worth the exchanges that were made. From lifestyle, body, habits, every change was worth them and their existence no matter the stint of our pregnancies, or the length of their lives.”

Carrie Gomes

Carrie Gomes (29) Virginia (5), Patrick (5 months).

Richmond, VA 

Carrie shares -

"Virginia is my strong willed, kind hearted girl. She does things on her own terms, in her own way. That’s kind of how her birth went, too. Virginia was born at a birth center, after about 13 hours of labor and an hour and a half of pushing. She came into the world sideways! Patrick, is pretty laid back, but will let you know when he wants something. He was born at home, after a fast and intense 4 hours! From the beginning he knew what he wanted and he isn’t afraid to show it!

I  experienced one miscarriage, in March 2016. It was an unexpected pregnancy and an even more unexpected loss. It wasn’t something I ever imagined would happen to me. I had already had one amazing pregnancy and birth, of course I could do it again; but that didn’t happen. At 9 weeks gestation the fetus was no longer viable, I didn’t physically miscarry until 12 weeks. But prior to the 12 week mark, I just didn’t “feel pregnant” anymore. Then I got the flu, then bronchitis, once I was finally healthy, my body decided to miscarry. I started spotting on a Monday, I called my midwife to let her know; my appointment was on Wednesday. Wednesday came and we couldn’t hear a heartbeat. After verifying with an ultrasound, the pregnancy was over...just like that. I decided to miscarry naturally, at home. I called a good friend, went for a walk, then labor began. It was a dreadful feeling, being in labor and knowing I wouldn’t get a baby. Once things started to pick up some, I made my husband take Virginia to dinner, with his parents. I needed to be alone.

He got home minutes after I gave birth. I was sobbing like I’ve never done before. The whole experience was so surreal; I wanted to be alone, but I didn’t expect to feel so lonely and empty. Explaining the loss to Virginia was difficult. She talked about “the baby that didn’t make it” everyday for months. Even now, almost 2 years later, she still talks about that baby. We speak very frankly and fondly of the baby. And we are forever grateful that we got another chance to be pregnant. We have our rainbow baby, Patrick, and our family is complete.

Having a daughter has changed how I speak about my body immensely. I never want her to look in the mirror and feel inadequate or self loathing. I speak about our bodies using words like: healthy, strong, fit, beautiful. My body may not be “top notch”, but it has done some amazing things! I’ve grown tiny humans, ran half marathons, and completed a triathlon. I have muscles and a bit of fluff, but this body, my body, is fucking amazing!

After having Virginia it was so easy. I had help for 3 weeks back to back, I got to nap, watch Netflix, and enjoy being a new mom. My only issue was breastfeeding. I thought it would be easy, baby would know exactly what to do and it would be great! Virginia gained less than 3 pounds in 5 months. I wasn’t making enough. I’m supposed to be able to feed my baby, why couldn’t I do it?!

My husband had the idea for donor milk. We looked into, found an amazing long term donor, and my baby gained 2 pounds in one month because of supplementing. We had an amazing nursing relationship that lasted 18 months and I was able to keep giving her breast milk until she was two!

Postpartum with Patrick has been a whole other ball game. Having a rambunctious 4 year old and a new baby, is hard. I didn’t get to chill, I got a lot less help this time, and I had a lot of anxiety. When my anxiety would “flare up” I would have fits of anger. I would yell, throw things, and then feel horrible and cry about it. I ended my maternity leave 2 weeks early because I couldn’t be at home anymore. I need work, I need to use my brain for things that aren’t mom-related; I realize that and I am a better mother because of that. Along with work, comes pumping. My breasts don’t respond well to the pump. Thankfully, our nursing relationship is great, but I was still mentally prepared to need donor milk again. And we do have a donor who is wonderful. It’s such a relief to know that my baby is still getting breastmilk, even if I can’t make enough for him while I’m away.

It is so cliche, but so true: you cannot pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself; make yourself a priority. Whatever it is that you need to do, do it! Take a shower, go to a movie, go for a run...your baby(ies) will be ok without you for an hour or two. They will be better off if you are happy and refreshed. Fill your own love tank, mamas. We need it!

At first, I didn’t want to {participate}. I didn’t think my story was interesting enough; I mean everything was/is fine and normal. My story isn’t one of great tragedy or with an amazing outcome, it’s normal. Normal is ok. However, my story is still unique and amazing to me and my family. That’s what I want to share, everyone’s life and experiences are important and amazing, no matter how “normal” they may seem. Share your story, let it be heard!"

Amy TC

Amy TC (33), Savannah (2), and Margaret (5 months). Also mother to Scarlet miscarried around 9 weeks.

 Photographed in Tampa, Florida.

Amy shares -

"Savannah was conceived through IUI after a long struggle with infertility and many unsettling diagnoses. We were given an overall chance of 15% of conceiving and carrying a child to term. My pregnancy was, for the most part, uneventful though I struggled to maintain normal blood sugars throughout the pregnancy. Savannah was breech until 37 weeks, and though I desperately wanted to go into labor on my own, that didn't happen. I was induced at 41 weeks, and endured a nearly 24 hour labor. When she was ready, she came quickly, after less than an hour of pushing.

When Savannah was 9 months old, we found ourselves staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was still breastfeeding on demand, and hadn't had a period (without medical intervention) since my late teens so this was beyond shocking. As awful as it may sound, I tried desperately not to connect with this sweet baby as I knew in my heart, she wouldn't be staying long. I even told my best friend that I knew I would lose her.

We lost Scarlett around 8/9 weeks and got the call the night before my birthday. It was nearly 4 weeks before she physically left me. This loss shattered me. I heard the unfortunate typical comments: "At least you never felt her move", "Oh you weren't that far along", "All women miscarry, it's no big deal," etc etc.... This was the very first time I had conceived a child without a doctor's help and I couldn't protect her. At this point, we decided we would never go back through fertility treatments again. There was something about the pain of the loss, and how it made me feel. I wasn't being the mom Savannah deserved, that told me I wouldn't be able to endure rounds of treatments with the possibility of failure hanging over me.

Margaret was conceived less than 2 months after my miscarriage. Margaret's pregnancy was terrifying but uneventful. She flipped breech around 36 weeks and kept flipping. When she was head down at 39 weeks, we opted for induction as soon as possible. Labor was excruciating, but just like Savannah, she came quickly when she was ready. I pushed for less than 10 minutes, and she was here.

I've struggled with body image for most of my life. When I began the struggle with infertility, I felt like this body- the one I had worked SO hard to keep healthy and in shape- was failing me. Pregnancy did amazing things for my body image. Rather than worrying about how much weight I was gaining or how it looked, I embraced the fact that my body was growing a person- and that it would gain whatever it needed to keep her healthy. Even now, after nearly 6 months of tandem nursing, I'm regularly amazed at what my body has been able to do. Savannah nursed my entire pregnancy, and both girls have settled into tandem nursing with little difficulty. I never thought I would tandem nurse. I used to be someone who said "if they can ask for it..." - oh how wrong I was. I wouldn't trade this part of my relationship with my girls for anything, and I'll reserve that time for them for as long as they need it.

I am lucky that my postpartum journey with both girls was pretty seamless. I've always felt like a mom, I just needed the children to make me one. I settled pretty easily into my new role and being their mom is the most rewarding, joy-inducing, motivating, and awe inspiring thing I've ever done. I feel so blessed that these amazing girls chose me.

I firmly believe that we are all here to do everything we can to make life easier for those around us. I realize that is a 'big' statement but what other purpose is there than to take care of each other? How hard is it to just be kind to the people around you? We all have our battles - some visible, some not. Make life easier for someone - you won't regret it. Help someone reach a shelf at the grocery store, give someone your perfect parking spot, treat the person behind you to their morning coffee. For me, right now, making life easier for others, is breastmilk donation. Since Savannah's birth I have donated more than 3,000 ounces of breastmilk to moms in several different states. I'm not sure there's anything more fulfilling than a crying mom hugging you and saying "thank you for nourishing my baby."

I chose to participate in the 4th Trimester Bodies Project because I believe that all bodies are amazing and strong and powerful. I want my girls to grow up recognizing that there are many more important things to 'be,' than the 'ideal body type.' Our bodies can grow and nourish children. Our stretch marks are badges of honor. Do people realize what many women would give to be covered in stretch marks from pregnancy? They would literally give anything if it meant they could carry a child. I want my girls to love themselves. I want them to recognize that we all need to support each other. We all need to strive, every single day, to make life easier for each other. We are each other's keepers." 

Julie Fisher

The lovely Julie Fisher and Ian (6 months). 

Julie has never had a wonderful relationship with her body but through her pregnancy and birth learned to love it in ways she never had before. Julie has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and lost half of an ovary due to a cyst in 2007. She knew it may be difficult to conceive but they set out trying. After a full year, Julie and her husband decided to see a fertility specialist where she learned that everything looked great other than slightly low progesterone and estrogen levels. They started IUI cycles and she got pregnant on the second attempt but she miscarried at 5 weeks. After a third attempt without a successful pregnancy they decided to take a break.

In her time focusing on herself, Julie had read a study that indicated women with PCOS who cut gluten and dairy out of their diet were able to get pregnant easier. She went on a diet for four months and felt better than she ever had before. They decided to save for IVF and see what happened in the meantime and much to her surprise, Julie found herself pregnant with Ian. 

Other than high blood pressure that developed around 27 weeks and was treated with a low dose of medication, Julie's pregnancy was wonderful. She felt healthy and beautiful and more comfortable in her body than she ever had. Julie was induced at 39 weeks and delivered a healthy boy about 24 hours later. 

Julie had very much wanted to breastfeed but after three weeks and four lactation consultants they just weren't getting the hang of it and she has recommitted herself to breastfeeding through exclusive pumping. Julie says that in hindsight she may have been experiencing postpartum depression during that time as well. She is grateful to not only be able to pump enough milk for her son but has an oversupply that allows her to donate to another baby as well. 

After dieting and struggling with her self image for much of her life, Julie has finally come to a place where she can appreciate her body for all that it is. Focusing on health rather than external standards of societal beauty has allowed her to continue to find the worth and self love she struggled with for so long. 

 

Anne Smith

The amazing Anne Smith, Sean Oisin "Ozzie" (3) and Eleanor Louisa (7.5 months). 

Anne says that prior to having children she wanted to give birth via elective cesarean. It wasn't that she had any actual negative connotations surrounding birth but from what she had seen on television she thought it looked terrifying and didn't want to feel what it was like. Through working at a naturally minded mom and baby boutique she learned a lot about pregnancy and birth and took natural birthing classes. 

Ozzie's pregnancy was text book throughout. Her water broke at midnight and he was born by 11:30am the next day. She labored with midwives and Ozzie was placed on her chest for skin to skin but was then taken away because they thought he was having difficulty breathing. She wasn't allowed to see him until she could get out of bed and move around but when she tried to, she passed out and ultimately had to wait 4-5 hours to see him. Once she was able to get to him he was doing well and they knew he was going to be fine but they wanted to make sure he was nursing well before he could leave the NICU. Later that evening they were able to transfer to the mother and baby unit later that evening and at two months, he was diagnosed with laryngomalacia (floppy larynx) which was what had made it sound like he was gasping for breath. 

While Ozzie ended up being just fine, Anne struggled with his birth for quite some time. The experience wasn't what she had wanted and she had a hard time connecting with him. In part because she was scared of falling in love with him and in part due to her fear of going back to work at 8 weeks. She had read books that were helpful but also made her feel guilty. Anne's first day back at work, someone asked her how she was doing and she lost it but things got better. She had a lot of pumping support at work and providing her milk to her baby allowed her to feel less guilty for being away. 

Pregnancy with Eleanor was more difficult for Anne. She was commuting quite a distance for in the winter months and Eleanor tried to arrive early at 34 weeks and then again at 35 but was was able to carry to 37 weeks. She had been able to get steroid shots and they realized she had a high leak before they were able to break her water fully and induce labor. Anne had been given Demerol and Pitocin, but the Demerol caused her to hallucinate and imagine conversations that never happened. She labored through the day and into the evening with much more intensity than she'd had with Ozzie. When she felt Eleanor descend to the birth canal she felt focused and in control and almost pushed her out into her husbands lap just seconds before her midwife returned. 

Postpartum was more difficult following Eleanor's birth due to life stressors including a big move and the violence in our culture towards children that we hear so frequently in our media. She has moments she wants to hold her children all day but she can't and so she's had to find those other ways to connect. Anne says sorting through what people tell you, you should or shouldn't do and instead finding what works for you and your children is so important. She used to judge people who co-slept but has found that with both of her children, that time at night and pumping for them are the things that allow her to feel okay with being a working mom. 

Both Ozzie and Eleanor are nursing which is another experience, Anne never imagined she'd have. She enjoys nursing Eleanor and though she has moments where nursing her son is difficult she knows it's something that he needs at this point in life. She's never had any issues with supply and has been able to donate over 150oz of milk. 

As a teen, like so many, Anne obsessed over magazines and felt a lot of time feeling poorly about herself and her size. She hopes to instill in her children the notion that women are amazing and powerful and that a healthy body is a good body whatever that may look like. 

Candace Mensik

The magnificent Candace Mensik and Magnus (20 months). Candace developed a blood clot from birth control when she was 19 and was diagnosed with Deep Vein Thrombosis. She's had to be on blood thinners via injection ever since and was warned that any pregnancy would be high risk as a result. She was told that any pregnancy may or not be possible but would be high risk due to her multiple vascular surgeries, including stent placements throughout her femoral vein, up through my groin and into my vena cava, which runs behind her uterus. It was unknown whether or not pressure from a pregnancy would cause circulatory issues. Her doctor was also concerned with her clotting during pregnancy with the extra hormones, because she has the Factor V Leiden mutation. Candace had hoped to do things as naturally as possible but accepted that she may need more monitoring and intervention. 

Candace was able to conceive without complication and had a very healthy pregnancy. Her doctor wanted to be in as much control as possible so he scheduled an induction but she ended up going into labor on her own before hand. Things continued to progress well, but there were a few things said and done along the way that she didn't agree with. Her doctor broke her water which she didn't want and at one point told her she needed to be quiet and relaxed so she felt like she just had to lay there and be still rather than moan and move like her body was telling her to. He told her this was because he didn't want Magnus' cord to prolapse. Her doctor told her he wanted to do an episiotomy which Candace refused and she was able to push Magnus out without any medication.

Unfortunately, Candace tore internally all the way up to her cervix and lost a liter of blood. Healing has been a long and painful process and it wasn't until the last couple of months that she realized she isn't having daily pain any longer. She is still having some difficulties though and hopes to explore possible physical therapy as well as alternative birthing options for her next pregnancy. Breastfeeding has gone very well for Magnus and Candace and she has made an overabundance of milk that has allowed her to donate to several other families.

Candace feels that now more than ever, women need to band together and rise up together in support of one another. "Our bodies are beautiful and we need to honor that, we need to take care of ourselves and love ourselves. "

Calling herself a Mother has been life's greatest gift. "I teach Magnus to love and honor those who are different, and I can only hope that he grows up to share peace, light and love with those who surround him."