shea roberts gyllen (36 - they/them). Parent to Freya (2.5 - pictured) and Gordon (7 mo)
Oceti Sakowin lands known as Minneapolis, MN (Virtual session captured via CLOS)
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Parenthood has taken me on a body image journey. I'm a Taurus with a Sagittarius rising so I'm plowing through life lusciously and intuitively, but I also like routines so can get swept into systems. So like, I've maintained steadily loving my body and its shapes for the most part through parenting. There are times when I want to chop off my chest because it is cumbersome and I get mad that clothes don't fit - but it mostly is anger that clothes are made to a form and that form is not a living, moving human. I also had a back injury (torn muscles and ligaments from a sacral collapse) at the end of my first pregnancy so my already chronic pain issues are exacerbated and I feel like it is impossible to feel as strong as I want to. But like, I was a cute chubby little kid and stubbornly celebrated that in the face of the teasing and bullying and that practice paid off. I've got a stomach that had a 55cm fundal height and that is never going to look the same as my rugby player/cheerleader/ski team body. Also, I am so fucking tired that it's hard to care and I think by the time I'm not so tired that little chubby kid that is always on the sideline cheering me and saying I'm fucking gorgeous and have great thighs is going to be louder.
What was your postpartum experience?
Postpartum with my first was incredibly gender euphoric. I came out in a fit of knowing that "mommy culture" was the worst thing I'd ever tried to be a part of. So I stopped trying and instead just went back to pre-kid things. My kid came along and got to know all of our communities. I was teaching theater at the time and Freya was at rehearsals and set builds. I was also performing regularly at our local improv theater and nursed my two-week-old baby on stage and it was just a part of the set.
I had PPD and PPA and probably PPOCD that all worsened after an accident leading to Freya having brain surgery at 3 months old. Therapy and community really helped me heal. Also, Freya is still nursing so there is a lot of hormonal stuff contributing. I hate how my mental function has shifted in terms of focus. You read about how our brains are wired to keep our babies alive but learning that and experiencing it are wildly different.
My second pregnancy and postpartum I had and continue to have more fight to feel me. Covid - 19 also stripped us of our community and I think we're all learning how much we feel like ourselves when we are around each other to reflect ourselves back. I really lost myself during postpartum around month 3. I'm working really hard to feel like myself, and so while throughout I haven't struggled with negative body image feelings, it's more like I'm struggling to even feel like my body is mine. The balancing act of nourishing kids from my body while maintaining bodily autonomy is real. I think a lot about how this intersects with colonial mindsets of individualism and also how the pandemic-induced lack of postpartum uplifting has impacted that. also, none of my clothes feel like my clothes anymore.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Go ahead and tell people they are being assholes when they say "but you've got such a cute baby". Especially if you're seeking support. But also name that you are seeking support. And celebrate that you need support because if we all keep thinking we are a burden then we are going to keep thinking we are a burden.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
Woof - how hasn't it been? I'd planned on a very social (if people had time to get there) birth. I'm talking 3-5 friends in addition to our birth team. I think we also really struggled to maximize the postpartum period because we were so isolated leading up to birth. I will say it was easier to rest leading up to birth, but I also knew postpartum was going to be really hard because I didn't have a huge dose of socializing before birth. Also, we had a summer birth, and because the warmer months are when it was easier to go out and do things it was impossible to line up any sort of in-person support with friends or family because you're asking them to not only come in and support but also quarantine and test. Birth itself was already planned as a homebirth and I'm grateful we were far enough into COVID-19 to feel safe having in-person labor support beyond our midwife. postpartum has been garbage. having a toddler but not solid toddler care sucked for all of us. I've had so many meltdowns in front of my kid (which isn't bad - we are all about 100% being real, emotive humans) and been physically and mentally incapable of being the parent I was pre-pandemic. There are so many compounding factors. Like, we get 1 night a week where our toddler sleeps at my parents’ and we manage better sleep, but 1 night of ok sleep is not enough. and so the dishes and the laundry and the everything piles up. And then you've got people saying "the dishes will be there, enjoy them while they are babies" Well I can't because I'm surrounded by mess and it makes my anxiety spiral. I get angry so much more and I'm not good at being angry - I guess I'm learning how.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I love bodies. I think it's fucking rad that we carried humans and no matter how that ended, we should celebrate. I hate all of the systems that say we shouldn't love our bodies in any shape.