Meggie Orgain

Meggie Orgain (33 - she/her) and Aidan (3)

Dallas, TX

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Shortly before I became pregnant, I had started learning about the Intuitive Eating/Health at Every Size movements. Both of these teach that smaller does not equal better, unlike what most of us have been taught our whole lives. I’m glad that I had this perspective shift before I became pregnant, because woah. I was pretty physically active before pregnancy, but experienced depression (undiagnosed) almost as soon as I learned I was pregnant, and had no energy or motivation to move my body. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed. My pregnancy was “normal” and “uncomplicated,” but I didn’t feel joy a single moment.

After a difficult and long labor, I gave birth via emergency cesarean. Nothing had gone according to “plan” and I was, for lack of a better word, lost. I felt broken—emotionally and physically. I felt like my body had failed, even though logically I knew it hadn’t. And the physical recovery was difficult and painful, all while trying to raise and breastfeed a newborn. The stretch marks from pregnancy and scar from my surgery are still very visible on me, and probably will be forever. My body does not look like it did before pregnancy and never will. On the one hand, this is a blessing because I have physical reminders of the amazing things my body did, but on the other it is hard to shake the “dream” of attaining the “perfect body” that doesn’t really exist. I am constantly asked if I am pregnant because of the shape/size of my midsection and clothes don’t fit me like they used to. All that said, I am doing my best to teach my son that all bodies are precious and worthy of respect. Which means I am trying my darndest to treat my body that way. I won’t pretend it’s easy, but it’s a goal I believe in and will continue to work toward everyday.

What was your postpartum experience? 

My postpartum period was incredibly hard—not that I believe there is such a thing as an easy postpartum period, but still. The depression that had set in at the beginning of my pregnancy continued into PPD. I couldn’t connect with my baby, I didn’t feel like myself, I was exhausted and in pain and felt so alone. I never thought it would be easy, but I also never dreamed it could be that bad. I was staying home alone with my son while my husband worked all day. The hours were excruciating and bland at the same time. I counted down the minutes to when my husband would come home from work. I started seeing a therapist when my son was about 5 months old. That helped. I stopped breastfeeding and got back on the birth control I had been on for over a decade when my son was 7 months. That helped more. I started working a part-time job when my son was 9 months old, and that helped even more. The final piece of the puzzle was when I started taking an antidepressant a couple of months after my son turned 1. I felt like me again. I felt like a mom. I felt like his mom. When I read stories about people who go through a postpartum period and it is anything but horrific, I assume they’re lying. Because I can’t comprehend anything different than what I went through. The past few years I have done my best to process what we all went through and change my perspective on what could be if we were to have another child, but it’s not easy when your only lived experience is so painful.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

If I could tell pre-pregnant me anything it would be to trust my intuition. I’m usually pretty spot on about things, but pregnancy and postpartum took away my autonomy and made me question everything about what I felt, believed, and knew. It has taken me a long time to get it back, and I believe that if I were to ever go through pregnancy again, I would be stronger in my own voice and convictions than I was the first time.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I stumbled upon this project on social media while I was trying to fill my feed with accounts that show bodies as they are, not as we have been taught they “should be.” From the minute I saw it and started reading the stories, I felt like I had found a ray of hope. I wanted to participate because stories like mine are not ones that I hear too often and I wanted to make sure that if anyone out there had a similar experience, they wouldn’t feel alone. Or if they look like me, they wouldn’t feel like their bodies are “wrong.”

Isabella Norris

Isabella Norris (22) and Harlow Everett (9 mo)

Minneapolis, MN

“I found out I was pregnant for the first time in January 2018. I had just quit my long-term job that had paid well just a couple week prior, in order to focus on finishing my college degree in American Indian Studies. I was freshly engaged to my partner, Matt, as of October. I had a very clear image of what I wanted to do in life, and I knew how I was going to get there.

After learning I was pregnant due to failed birth control pills (that I took very diligently), it threw what I thought my world was completely out the window. After a couple weeks of pure panic, which then slowly turned into excitement, Matt and I both agreed how great it would be to welcome our very own little one into the world. We started to get settled into the idea; told family members, started thrifting clothes, thinking of names. Then one day, in the middle of February, I felt bleeding. The following day we went in to see our midwives, and sure enough, I was experiencing a miscarriage at around 8 weeks pregnant.

Matt and I both cried. A lot. I felt an emptiness I didn't know existed. And then, just a couple days later, I felt a pain so intense that it almost made me pass out. Matt brought me into the hospital, and turns out I was experiencing a blocked small intestine. I was admitted into the hospital and put on the strongest pain killers available, a tube shoved down my throat for days. Unable to be coherent enough to make decisions, I floated through, broken and sick, while others were in control of what happened to me.

Luckily enough I had one doctor that stuck up for me against having surgery by suggesting that "Hey, western medicine won't agree, but how about the concept that the miscarriage and these problems are related?". Because of him, I got to go home. I was released after 6 days, still not fully better, but at least not with a surgery that would have caused complications for the rest of my life. It took another 3-4 weeks for things to pass and to not have to be on medication daily.

Due to being in the hospital, and then still being so sick after, I had to quit that semester of school. So when I got "better", I was jobless, and not in perusing the degree I was excited about. I had never felt so useless in my life. After weeks and weeks of my mental health just taking a terrible downturn, Matt and I started talking about the joy that came from that small little moment of pregnancy I had gotten to experience. Through that dark, dark time, we had this little glimmer of hope. It took so much therapy, and support of friends and family, to get through that time. In April, we found out I was pregnant again. Our rainbow finally shone through.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Hahaha. I actually laughed at this question, is that bad? It's probably bad. I have always struggled with my body image. I've just never felt great about myself. When I started birth control years prior, I had gained like 30 pounds that took a very long time to lose. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I was actually, for the first time, happy with my body. I was strong because I was working out, and I felt comfortable at the weight I was at for the first time in a long time. But then, due to really intense nausea during my first pregnancy and only being able to eat bland high-calorie foods, I already gained ten pounds by the time I was pregnant again. And then I had perinatal depression and PTSD, which made it really hard to get myself to do a lot.

When I finally got out of the depression funk, I was diagnosed with pelvic problems which prevented me from doing anything to physical. During my pregnancy I ended up gaining an additional 50+ lbs, and felt absolutely terrible the entire time. After I had Harlow, I struggled so much. I felt so uncomfortable with my body, despite how often Matt would tell me how lovely I was. I tried so hard, but it never really got better.

As I have started to get back to my pre-pregnanc(ies) weight, I have finally started feeling better. Which Im frustrated with. I wanted to feel empowered and feel good enough where I was at during pregnancy and during early postpartum. And to be honest, I still struggle. Often. I'm only about 10 lbs away from my original weight, but my body is so different. It's getting easier, slowly, but I'm not nearly as confident as I was pre-pregnancy. I think that's part of why I got drawn to being apart of this project. I want to feel like "me", where I am at right now.

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum was hard. I got a fourth degree tear during delivery, and the healing process from that was difficult. I was in the hospital for four days trying to heal a bit more before going home. On top of healing, I really intensely struggled with breastfeeding. I had always expected that moment of latching to be so exciting and just feel amazing. Man, I was just so wrong on that! It was so HARD. And it felt like I was literally was feeding him ALL. THE. TIME. Because I was! I tried to see a lactation consultant only to be diagnosed with Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT), being told I would never make enough milk for my son.

I was so under-slept, and so scared that Harlow wasn't gaining weight the way he was supposed to because of me. I struggled a lot. My marriage struggled a lot. I became overly defensive over anything, and frustrated at the smallest thing. I had never felt under so much pressure. To keep this little tiny human that I created alive. To spread my time and love evenly over to my partner. To keep a house from not getting so messy that it caused me to have panic attacks. To remember to shower, or get a second to myself.

Eventually that diagnosis of IGT got thrown out the window by my midwives and his pediatrician, but the stress that came from all of that really affected me a lot. I wanted to quit breastfeeding so badly. I ended up trying to go dairy free to see if that would help how fussy Harlow was, and that actually made a huge difference. We also were able to find (free) milk donors in our community who made it possible to help with supplementing Harlow with breastmilk, which took so much pressure off me. In the end it still took months to really feel established with feedings, but now it is actually the most amazing relationship.

My fourth trimester felt like such a whirlwind. In the moment, everything took forever. The endless night wakings, the diapers, the screaming. It seemed to never end. But you know what? It did. For real! Things actually got better. The sunny little moments we got from him, like seeing him really smile for the first time, or watching him learn the give kisses, or laugh, made everything so much better. Eventually I started to feel more like myself and less like I was being controlled by my hormones, and that has helped so much too. When I look at it today, I realize everything we went through got us to where we are now. I have a happy little boy, who is just about to walk and loves to meet new people, and an incredibly loving and supportive husband who I adore being married to. But wow, postpartum a lot. Never easy, always worth it. This year has been absolutely all over the place, but with where we ended up, I truly couldn't be more grateful for it.

What is your truth?

Parenthood is the realest thing you will ever experience. Right now, our world is filled with false reality. Instagram, Facebook, reality TV to see what others "lives" are like. We as a society tend to spend our time in front of a screen, to avoid a world that is struggling to stay afloat amidst all of the travesties happening. And then, all of a sudden, you make life. Real, right in front of you, life. A human that YOU made, and that is it's own person. Experience it. Soak it in. Breathe through the hard bits, because they really will pass, even though it doesn't feel like it in the moment. This matters so, so much, maybe more than anything.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

My sister-in-law, Rose, participated last year. I was inspired by her to be a part of this project. I look up to her. We have a lot of similar experiences, and seeing her be a part of something so empowering really made me want to be apart of that too. On top of that, I'm a tribal member of the San Luis Rey band of Luiseño based out of Oceanside, CA, and I think its important to be here for other Native womxn/non-binary caregivers out there. It's hard to find a community, especially when you are displaced away from your tribe. I struggle with not seeing people who look like me in social media, and want to help change that. I haven't read many stories similar to mine, so maybe this will help someone feel less alone when they read my story too.

Genevieve Hall

Genevieve Hall (31) and Scout (1.5)

Minneapolis, MN

Genevieve shares -

“My husband and I attempted the whole get pregnant thing for about 5 years - the doctors said I had cysts all over my uterus. It is interesting how I was totally cool with a very transactional doctor until I wanted to be pregnant - then I realized my doctor was horrible and kind of mean. So, I shopped around for doctors - I went through a lot of sad days thinking "okay, kids are not in my future". We actually decided to go through with fostering to adopt - we had one class left and then "boom" pregnant. I was really shocked and kind of upset actually because my life was going one way and then not so much.

Pregnancy was fucking tough.

I felt like hell most of the time and kind of embarrassed - like a big light was shining on me and I wanted to step into the darkness. I became super depressed at the end of it. I think I stopped eating very much and I only gained about 20 lbs during pregnancy, looking back I looked good but I was in a dark place. After becoming a parent and finally going on some antidepressant medication - I felt like a fucking warrior and that I looked awesome. I am still breastfeeding and I have finally started to feel a bit out of sorts with my body - I thought I would start to feel better about things but my body just is not quite what it was. I am for sure stronger though.

Postpartum was also rough - I wish that they would have told us about how depressed you can get. I felt so angry that I was just not doing anything right and I wanted others to feel how pissed I was and how hard it is to be a fucking parent. Good god it is the best and worst thing. Your whole identity is shoved aside and you have to figure out how you fit into this new role and find yourself again - the mom guilt is real - holy shit it is real.

My expectations were that it would be a lot easier after giving birth - that was so not the case - the hard part is when they hand you this little baby and you don't feel that love thing that you think you are supposed to feel and the nurse is telling you that you are not figuring this breastfeeding thing out and maybe you should try some formula. My daughter was breech and with the help of my midwives I was able to find a doctor about an hour away that would deliver breech - such a fantastic experience but man that warrior feeling only can sustain you so far. I would say I did not really love my kid until 4 months in.

She is now almost 2 and I just can't say enough good stuff about parenthood. It is super hard but very very fun. It is amazing watching a little creature gather information and watch your partner move into a new role. Our relationship is very fun and the kid just adds even more fun. Seriously the ups and downs are so wild being a parent.

I had a great birth - like super super great - empowering and I was heard through the whole thing - my options were there and people listened to me. Postpartum, not so much. I want people to know that the 4th trimester is tough and there is help out there - therapy and meds really have helped me - ARE helping me - It is okay to ask for help and it is okay to feel like two people split in half. It is okay to still be you and be a parent. It is okay to not love your kid right out of the womb or wherever they come from - that feeling will come with time.”

Lauren Lyn Pepe

Lauren Lyn Pepe (37), Gracie (6), Sebastian (4), and Miles (2)

Buffalo, NY

Lauren shares -

“{Parenthood} has made me look at my body as both miraculous, and hideous. My body has done some amazing things, and because of this, it now looks like a misshapen, heavily used, little cared for tree with little babies climbing all over it.

I suffered with horrible depression both during and after all of my pregnancies. My pregnancies and births never lived up to my expectations, or hopes. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Most days, even though it's hard, I couldn't imagine not doing it. But there are moments, because I'm human and because it's hard being a mom, that I dream of a quite room of solitude....all to myself for an hour, or three. If you don't care for yourself, and recognize all of the wonderful mundane things you do for your kids, you will fall so hard and so fast.

{I’m doing this} because my kids deserve to have a picture of them and me. It's something they don't have and I want to see what they see ... love.”

Erin Loughran

Erin Loughran (43) and Aislin (18 months)

Brooklyn, NY

Erin shares - 

"The first time I got pregnant I miscarried at 8 weeks. While it wasn’t surprising at 39, it was very disappointing. We’d only been trying for 3 months and the due date was the perfect timing for my job, so it felt too good to be true and it was. After that it took a year and a half of infertility treatment, after infertility treatment to conceive again with IVF. There were a few moments along the way that were devastating, where we questioned if and how we’d ever be parents. We were very lucky to have access to amazing doctors and insurance coverage that enabled us to have our daughter.

I’ve never had a great body image. I was always a little chubby. I expected to put on a lot of weight during pregnancy and was surprised when I only put on 25 pounds, despite having a voracious appetite, and then was back to my regular weight within six months. It made me realize how out of my control my weight might be - for both better and worse. During pregnancy and after, every time I experienced a side effect I felt like that was how I was going to feel/be for the whole pregnancy or forever, when I’m fortunate to say that most things were really temporary. They resolved in a few weeks or months. I’m also much more likely to seek medical help for any issues I experience with my body now, as a result of having such positive medical experiences (with both Western and Chinese medicine) while seeking treatment for infertility.

I was really lucky to have the postpartum experience that I had. I was depressed during pregnancy and so was at a high risk for postpartum depression. I was shocked when I didn’t have postpartum depression. The depression really resolved itself when I gave birth. It was such a relief. I had an easy time breastfeeding, had a healthy baby, a relatively uncomplicated birth, and a supportive husband and family. I had a decent amount of paid maternity leave, if not as much as I would have liked. I’m incredibly grateful for all of it! Though I might not have the same energy level I might have had as a younger parent, I appreciate the advantages I’ve had as a new parent at this stage of my life. I was so ready for it all! I’d waited so long, worked with children, been around friends’ babies for so long. It came more naturally than I expected. That said, there were still hard moments for me and my husband.

I feel like I’ve been given a second life. For years, I didn’t think I’d get to be a parent in this lifetime. I do wish I’d done it sooner, but I’m glad we got lucky enough to have a child at this point in our lives.

Motherhood, birth, and parenting have been profound experiences for me. They fascinate me. I hope to hold on to the memories of this period of my life-to mark the moments. It upsets me when I realize that some moments are already getting blurry-that I can’t quite remember the feeling of being pregnant or nursing a newborn anymore.

Katie Trask

Katie Trask (30), Mason (3) and Keira (6 months)

Photographed in Seattle, Washington

Katie shares - 

"I have always had a distorted perception of my body since I was teenager. When I saw photos of myself, I was hyper-focused on my poochy stomach, thick arms, and round chin. However, when I got pregnant with my first child, I embraced and truly loved my body for the first time and all those insecurities became non-existent. I especially loved my growing belly and how I could feel every kick, punch, and hiccup. After giving birth to Mason, my belly was still soft for a long time, I worried my c-section scar would never fade, and I wondered how many stretch marks would stick around. Luckily, I was too busy balancing work, breastfeeding, and fumbling my way through motherhood to tear down my self-esteem and was able to give myself the much needed grace it deserved.

My husband and I discovered in July 2016 that we were expecting our second child. I was elated; I was excited to not only be pregnant again but I was determined to have an un-medicated, natural VBAC. What I didn't expect was the onset of severe anxiety and depression that plagued me in my second and third trimester. My work and personal life were undergoing some changes and I blamed my pregnancy hormones for not coping well. I found myself losing my patience in situations I would have otherwise kept level-headed through or crying in my car because I didn't want anyone to know just how unhappy I had become. I brought it up to my OB but was completely dismissed. He contributed my low moods to being tired and chasing a toddler around. So, I trudged on in good faith that I was just hormonal and things would turn around when my daughter arrived.

My beautiful Keira was born on March 22 of this year. Long story short, I was able to labor naturally and unmedicated up to 9cm. There were last minute concerns over my placenta detaching and as a result, I wheeled in for another cesarean. While I had not gotten the VBAC experience I had hoped for, I was still proud of myself for what I had accomplished. My baby was safe in my arms and took to breastfeeding with ease. Life at home was perfect; 2 kids suited us well and I felt bliss.

It wasn't long before my mental health spiraled and my depression and anxiety plagued me once again. I felt alone, desperate, and constantly anxious. When I wasn’t having anxiety attacks, I was losing my temper or utterly exhausted and devoid of any emotion. I wasn’t eating regularly and lost an unhealthy amount of weight, which I then worried would impact my milk supply. I was falling apart and because I wasn’t comfortable letting my loved ones into this world, I repressed my feelings and maintained a happy, albeit false, disposition. With the exception of a few loved ones, most of my friends and family were completely naïve to the fact that I was self-destructing. I was scared that I would never feel normal again and resented the person I had become. This went on for months but the day I hit my breaking point is one I will never forget. I had found myself on the floor, head in my hands crying and thinking self-destructive thoughts. It was the first time I had truly broken down in the presence of my son… He approached me with the saddest look in his eyes and asked, “Mommy sad?” “Yes sweetie. Mommy is sad.” He kissed my face and put his arms around me. He nestled his little body into my lap and simply sat with me in silence until I stopped crying. I had become so self-absorbed in my failures that I was oblivious to how I was affecting my tenderhearted son. How could I possibly encourage and teach my kids to live a happy and fulfilled life if I was emotionally vacant? I vowed to myself that day that I would not succumb to the grasp of my PPD and anxiety.

While both 4th trimester experiences were as different as night and day, the one lesson I can take away from both is to be more forgiving of myself. I've learned how to become more self-aware so I can actively change my negative mindset and better cope with my bad days. Knowing what I know now, I would have distanced myself from my anxiety triggers sooner and leaned more heavily on those willing to love me through my darkest hours. While I may not always love myself, I do love my children with every single ounce of my being and know they deserve a happy, balanced mother to look up to.

I have followed 4th Trimester Bodies since Mason was only a few months old. The philosophy that we should not only embrace our 4th trimester bodies, but also be pillars of support for each other really resonated with me. The sense of community helped me through my own insecurities; I will never forget how empowered I felt after discovering this project and hoped for a chance to be a part of it. While my story is more about the emotional changes some of us endure in our 4th trimester, I hope it can resonate with other mothers that are struggling in their own journey and hope they know they are never alone."

La Shawn Thompson

The lovely La Shawn Thompson and Laila Grace (20 months)

La Shawn was 36 when she conceived her daughter and says that while she was enjoy being free she was so ready to have a baby. She was newly married, had a great career, and was so happy. When she was a few months pregnant, La Shawn was diagnosed with depression. "I had nothing to be depressed about. I was married to the man that I prayed for, had an amazing career and I was happy. At least I thought I was". The depression continued after Laila was born and it was one of the most difficult times of her life. "I couldn't shake it off no matter what I did. Today I can say that I am feeling much better. I can breathe again. Laila was worth every second of it. I wouldn't have changed it for anything. It was all a part of the journey and for that I'm grateful".

La Shawn learned of 4th Trimester Bodies Project while researching for a new blog launch. "It touched my soul when I read the stories. The women looked so beautiful. Instantly I knew I needed to be part of it. Our stories of motherhood, need to be shared."

Becky Durling

The beautiful Becky Durling and Clementine (10 months).

Becky says that she spent her entire life wanting to be a mother and then when it happened her, pregnancy was so much harder and more traumatic than she expected, but says that being a mother is even more wonderful than she could have imagined. Becky learned she had conceived unexpectedly on her very first day of work as a nurse, six days before her wedding. While she had always wanted to be a mom, it felt like the timing could not have been worse.

She says that her first trimester was challenging - adjusting to her new life in the midst of intense fatigue and terrible morning sickness. She felt better in her second trimester but says that sickness was replaced with "mind-numbing terror". Becky works on a high risk obstetrics floor and every time she had a patient dealing with a pregnancy complication she was convinced that exact complication was going to happen to her and that her baby was going to die. "I had always thought I would love being pregnant and would cherish the time, but instead I could barely breath with because of how afraid I was. I also kept thinking that once I reached X weeks I would stop being afraid, but it never happened".

By 30 weeks, Becky says that she wasn’t even excited about the baby anymore because all of her thoughts were constantly saying she was going to die.  Finally, at her 36 week appointment, when her cervix was still nicely closed, she breathed a sigh of relief that she was going to make it to term (37 weeks) and would be able to avoid the NICU. 3 days later at 36 weeks 3 days at the end of a 12 hour nursing shift, her water broke while walking to her car and she turned around to go back to the hospital, this time as a patient.

Becky was devastated that she wasn’t going to have the delivery she wanted. While she wasn't able to labor at home, the delivery itself was relatively uncomplicated. A midwife friend who worked at the hospital came in and was an amazing help for her. She ended up getting an epidural which she had wanted to avoid, but was so anxious and tired that she hoped it would help her sleep and relax even though contractions were only moderately painful at that point. The epidural worked perfectly and she was able to rest. She spent the remaining time laboring happily with her husband, mother and mother-in-law. Becky enjoyed pushing and says that this part of labor felt so much like running a marathon —incredibly hard but immensely satisfying. Even though she was positioned poorly, Becky was able to push her out in an hour.

Clementine was placed right in Becky's arms but within the first 30 minutes they decided to take her to NICU due to concerns with her breathing. Becky felt like all of her fears were coming true. Clementine was healthy, but Becky says that the 5 days she was in the NICU were the hardest of her entire life. "That first night I woke up at midnight and felt this primal urge that I had a hold my daughter (we had already been back and forth multiple times for skin-to-skin), so my husband and I went on the 5 min walk to the NICU and when we got there her nurse said that she had just fallen asleep and I shouldn’t disturb her. In hindsight, I should have insisted because I know that skin-to-skin was the best thing for both of us in that moment but I was so hormonal and emotional I couldn’t stand up for us and just went back to my postpartum room and I cannot describe how incredibly awful that feeling was".

Becky says that Clementine breastfed beautifully, gained weight like a champ, and slept a lot, but she continued to have a difficult time because she kept reliving the NICU experience and feeling so angry that I had not had the delivery experience she had wanted. She also kept feeling like her body was still supposed to be pregnant. "I also kept having the completely irrational thought that she was never going to hit any developmental milestones because she was born 4 weeks early. But then at 8 weeks old she did her first social smile right on time and I suddenly realized that everything was ok and that I had this amazing, perfect and healthy baby - from that point on my mood lifted and I was suddenly happier than I had ever been". 

"Awareness of postpartum depression is growing, but there is still less awareness of depression and anxiety disorders during pregnancy which is one reason I wanted to participate and share my story. In addition, because of my perinatal anxiety and depression, I never got maternity photos taken or newborn photos, this seemed like a good way to celebrate how happy Clementine and I are now."

Morgan Rogers

The radiant, Morgan Rogers and Lola (3)

Morgan says that the past three and a half years of her daughters life (both in her womb and in her arms) have been an over the top ride of all of the emotions under the sun, some of which she never even knew existed beforehand. 

When the initial shock of finding out that she was pregnant at 17 wore off, she started researching her options and soon knew that she wanted to seek out a midwife, and have an unmedicated birth at a birthing center. While that was her plan, the people in her life supporting her, told her those choices were unsafe and she needed to deliver with a doctor in the hospital.  It was driven home to her that she would never be able to deliver without medication or interventions and she ultimately felt she had no choice except to do as she was told. Morgan was continually told she was too young to make her own decisions and that, no matter how much research she did, she didn't really know anything about "how this really works".

Her doctor told her that the things she wanted didn't actually happen. Her wishes, including a strong desire to breastfeed, were shut down with one form or another of "the doctor knows best" attitude. Morgan continually felt silenced by her age. By the time that Lola was born, Morgan was a married adult, but was treated like "just another kid having a kid." She felt stuck and was frustrated to feel like her choices didn't matter. Even in the delivery room she was not listened to and was given medication she didn't consent to and had specifically asked not to receive. She felt cheated out of natural pain management techniques she'd hoped to rely on and after 26 hours of a pitocin-induced labor, frustrated and exhausted, she gave in and got an epidural which was accompanied by even more snide and demeaning comments.

Morgan still wishes that she could go back in time and tell herself that all of this dialogue surrounding her wasn't true. That her pregnancy and labor were hers and it didn't matter if she was 18 or 48. Since she can't do that, she hopes that she can tell her story and send a message to other young mothers that they are allowed to make their own decisions.

Despite being told that it would be too hard and she was too young, Morgan nursed her daughter until 24 months. Through the process her breasts became a source of pride and connection for her. They were her friends, feeding her baby and making her proud. Her mother however, was diagnosed with breast cancer and Morgan began to have very strong feelings about this part of her body. She recalled breast shame in her younger years and though that had been mostly overcome, seeing her mother struggle with her health due to cancer and then mental health, made this an important time for Morgan to wean and reclaim her body as her own. 

While we hear often hear about postpartum depression, depression during pregnancy is discussed much less and still stigmatized quite heavily. Morgan struggled with depression her entire pregnancy, and it got significantly worse in her third trimester. She has suffered depression most of her life in one form or another, so everyone was quick to warn her about the "baby blues" and PPD. They would tell her to just enjoy her pregnancy but she couldn't help going home to her room to cry.  It wasn't that she didn't love being pregnant or that she didn't love her baby, it was that EVERYTHING felt dark and heavy. Morgan had never heard anyone talk about depression during pregnancy and was afraid to talk about it herself. There was already so much dialogue surrounding her, dismissing her choices and ability to mother, that she worried admitting she was in such a difficult place would reinforce everything they were saying.

Morgan wishes she had known that perinatal depression was normal. That it happens to a lot of women. She wishes she had known she wasn't alone.  "For some people pregnancy isn't all baby booties and glowing and wonder and unicorns. Some people get depressed, and they can't express why, and it's okay to ask for help.

Morgan wants the world to know that ALL mothers have a mother's body. When friends and family came to visit her postpartum so many told her, "Don't worry, you're breastfeeding! The weight will just melt off," They focused on her body and recommended stretch mark creams. They had come to celebrate the beautiful new life in her arms but were still obsessing about her appearance. While Morgan was pregnant, she and her husband made an agreement that their daughter would never hear them speak negatively about their weight or appearance. Morgan herself feels wonderfully confident with her body as a mother but she sees so many women her age obsess about their post-baby body. "They seem to feel that they're too young for a mom body, and I want to share mine and show that mothers of ALL age have mom bodies, and they are ALL beautiful". 

Arielle Barbie Reggio

The radiant Arielle Barbie Reggio (they/she) with her daughter Lucie (3) and son Asher (10 months). Arielle was diagnosed with Growth Hormone Deficiency when she was 6 years old. She underwent testing and treatment that was difficult and had to have painful injections of growth hormone daily which greatly affected her. When Arielle got older she struggled with Endometriosis, had to undergo several surgeries and didn't think she would ever have children. She and her husband planned to try conceiving naturally until she was 30, if that didn't work, attempt fertility treatments until she was 35 and if all else failed by then, turn to adoption. Much to her surprise she conceived Lucie on her wedding night. Arielle endured severe hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) while pregnant with her daughter, ended up losing her job due to illness and dealt with perinatal depression. Her husband also lost his job while she was 8 months pregnant and she was in a very dark place. She developed preeclampsia and after a 3 day induction that only progressed to 1cm she developed HELLP syndrome and had to deliver via cesarean.

Asher's pregnancy wasn't any easier on Arielle and while her depression wasn't as problematic this time she struggled with HG and preeclampsia once more. She was given an ultimatum at work due to missing so many days due to illness that she had to go on an early extended maternity leave or face termination. Asher was delivered via Cesarean again at 37 weeks and ended up being taken to NICU for pulmonary hypertension. She had thought he was born crying but he was actually struggling to breathe. For 8 hours he was away from her and she didn't understand what was happening. She was sent home from hospital 4 days later and told not to expect Asher to come home. She says she called on everything she could think of to send out prayers and thoughts for her son and the next day she came to see him and learned that he had taken an amazing turn for good, this also coincided with getting her breastmilk which she feels is no coincidence. Asher was able to come home at 11 days old and is doing well today.

Arielle says that she was misinformed after Lucie's birth and told that she couldn't breastfeed due to her antidepressants and had to stop nursing Asher due to resuming her hormone medications. While this has been difficult she's looking forward to returning to work in just a few days. Arielle had her tubes tied after Asher's birth and has struggled with feeling her family is complete even though pregnancy and birth were so difficult for her. She very much wants to be able to see herself with the same beauty that her husband sees her and pass along the same message of self love and acceptance to her daughter.