Nicole Vescio-Noblett (32), Aedan (10), and Wolf (4 - pictured)
Nicole shares -
“My first initiation into motherhood was at the age of sixteen. A pregnancy I hid from and hid away. Distancing myself from my body so wholly as to not feel the tremendous weight of what purpose and trauma I was experiencing. I went through labor alone in my childhood home, transferring to hospital alone. Being questioned by doctors and nurses, the loud hum of my surroundings drowning out my body. After hours of family finding out my harbored secret, fear taking over and drugs being administered undoubtedly to keep me removed from the present, I was wheeled to a bright room and a baby was extracted from me vaginally though I do not remember how. The story rolls and unfolds on and on with pain and grief through adoption.
Six years later I became pregnant with my first son to become my own. I was not ready mentally for this journey and wounds came pouring out numbing me once again to my experience as my inner self left my body for 40 weeks. Aedan’s birth was highly traumatic and difficult. My autonomy and safety were taken from me. Too afraid and too scared to speak up.
Years later I became pregnant and had an abortion. The theme of detaching from my body continued as I float through this trauma. Drugs pumped through my veins to calm my knees shaking and oceans of tears falling upon another hospital bed.
Six years after Aedan’s birth, a few years of consensually trying to become pregnant, Wolf came to my womb. Moving deep into reclamation of personal power and healing with Wolf’s birth I was able to become whole in so many ways, sending me on a trajectory of healing work, authenticity practice and my purpose in this life. I have had four children lay upon my womb and not a day goes by that I forget that as I wrap my arms around the two I may guide upon this earth.
My body image has been abusive from my first memories. Disordered eating began at 5 and has been an ever present darkness in times of trauma pain and difficulty. After Aedan was born my bulimia resurfaced for over a year. Shrinking away from the pain I felt with a false sense of control, the only safety net I knew to cast. By the time Wolf was born I was very aligned with intuitive eating and mindful self acceptance.
Postpartum, my first time breast feeding, I gained over 50 pounds due to adrenal fatigue, thyroid malfunction and my body's response to sustaining life. I felt amazing. I could challenge my own openness to body acceptance and self love because I lived within a body I never imagined I'd have and because someone needed me to survive I never ever wanted to harm the balance. When Wolf weaned at 3 years and 4 months, the gift of self love was laid upon my lap. I now had to navigate how to keep my message of self love when I'm the only one I'm sustaining. Each child has brought me a lesson, leading to now, when I am unfurling the layers of pain to deeply and madly love the vessel that I've been gifted.
My postpartum journey with my first two birthing experiences were completely broken and typical to our societal expectations at the time. Especially for young mothers, a near punishment for engaging in natural sexual behavior and child bearing before societal ideals were achieved. I had no idea how unsupported I was until I educated myself on birth, postpartum, and the sacredness of it all while pregnant with Wolf. I vowed to heal so much of myself not knowing if I'd ever have another child upon my womb. My postpartum experience with Wolf was blissful, supported, respected and loving. I became a postpartum doula less than a year after he came earthside because I feel so passionate that every woman has access to true postpartum healing.
Sisterhood brought me here. I have spent a lifetime wanting to heal my wounds by creating healing space for others and for the last year it has been a lesson in opening to receiving what it is I have tried to pour out. For months I've known I must begin to share the stories I've merely whispered to few. In order to become whole I must, we all must hold every part of our story.”