Gail Babes

Gail Babes (40 - she/they) and Vida Ruth (18 weeks)

Seattle, WA {Virtual FaceTime Session}

“I had a short chemical pregnancy after my first attempt trying to get pregnant. I was surprised by how clear it was to me that I was pregnant. My breasts became immediately tender and swollen in a way I had never experienced prior. I found out I wasn't pregnant on the first night of Passover. I had prepared myself for this possibility as most of my friends and close family members had experienced some sort of pregnancy loss. The preparation helped me try again and personally reconfirmed that I would share my pregnancy early with close connections so that I would have a support system if a subsequent loss occurred.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

I struggled for most of my life with a negative body image thinking I was never thin or fit enough. Like most folks raised as girls, I placed the value of my body on how sexually attractive it was to others. I cognitively knew how unhealthy this was, yet even as I aged I was unable to dismantle the narrative, easily spiraling into negative self-talk. When I became pregnant everything changed for me. I found my growing body beautiful and was in awe of its innate ability to create life. I decided to publicly document my newfound body confidence and related fashion sense in photography to share with others. Giving birth was the most powerful thing I have physically ever done. Coming out of my fourth trimester, my postpartum body is different, softer in many ways, but I revere it for what it did and the ongoing nourishment it provides my child.

What was your postpartum experience? 

Three weeks after giving birth and feeling otherwise healthy, I had a massive hemorrhage and seizure due to a retained piece of placenta requiring four blood transfusions. Immediately after the emergency surgery, I became overwhelmed with the idea that I had almost died. The OB on call was an incredible female doctor who helped me re-frame the moment as experiencing a life-threatening event - one that they were well-versed to handle. I spent the remainder of my fourth trimester feeling not only grateful to be alive, but to have entered the ER weeks before Seattle became the first US epicenter of the COVID-19 pandemic. In the days that followed, I benefited from having two incredibly skilled night doulas care for us, especially as the COVID-19 gripped our city and other forms of physical support disappeared.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

I pride myself at being competent, confident and fully independent. I crafted a world where my closest friends are all over the United States - which was very jetset cool. When I decided to have a baby, primarily on my own, I clearly never envisioned having to care for a baby in the midst of a pandemic. In hindsight, I would have told my former self to have built a more local support system where I could have formed a pod with family members willing and able to help me.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

The pandemic took away the bucolic vision I had of my postpartum time off. The plan had been for three of my best friends and family members fly to Seattle to support us. I had also envisioned my final month of parental leave where Vida and I would have traveled to Hawaii. Instead, the pandemic took away my planned support system within weeks and it created new challenges in living 24-7 with my boyfriend and his son. Our collective home is now an office and school. My extroverted self misses people desperately and since I am not an essential worker, my planned return to work as a consultant is up in the air since I can't hire in-home care for my infant.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

As a queer Jewish and older person trying to have a baby primarily on my own, I found inspiration in other people's stories and felt inspired to do the same.

Meghan and Dustin

Meghan (38 - she/her) and Dustin (36 - he/him). Parents to twins Jane Mae and David Edgar (would be 5 months old)

Philadelphia, PA

Meghan shares -

“We have had a long ongoing journey to start our family. We had an early pregnancy loss 3 years ago, then started our IVF journey. We had an ectopic pregnancy in the summer of 2018, which involved a surgery and methotrexate. When we were cleared for another round of IVF, we were thrilled to find out I was pregnant with our rainbow twins. Unfortunately, I went into preterm labor at just shy of 20 weeks and there were no interventions possible. David was born first, early on April 7 at 8:12 am and we had 30 joyful minutes before he passed away in our arms. We tried to see if I could keep Jane from delivering, but unfortunately I had severe bleeding and she was born less than 4 hours later at 11:23 am. I needed blood transfusions and my uterus was accidentally perforated, but this wasn’t discovered right away. I was very sick overnight and then had emergent surgery the next morning where they found the perforation. It was a large surgery because they were afraid they hit my bowel. Thankfully they didn’t. I had to be readmitted with fevers and they discovered I had retained placenta, as well. I’ve had 2 more surgeries this year, but we just recently have been cleared to try again for our “double rainbow” baby. I’m still hopeful.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I’m a parent to my twins, but while they aren’t physically with us, my scars are a physical and tangible reminder that they lived, however briefly, and it wasn’t just in our imaginations. I have struggled with my body this last year. I’ve reveled in being pregnant and getting larger, then cursed my body and its inability to keep them here longer. I’ve enjoyed my increasing bra size, then cried as I lactated for a month after they were gone. More recently I’ve been trying to love my body more by going to Pilates, acupuncture and massaging my scars. I’ve started to recognize how strong my body is as I feel my muscles tightening again. And I am in awe of my uterus’s ability to miraculously heal itself (even surprising my OBGYN.)

What was your postpartum experience? 

There was both a physical and emotional toll that Jane and David’s delivery has taken. Initially it was recovering from a major abdominal surgery after nearly dying. This morphed into fear when I found out I had retained placenta and the choice to do more surgery or watchful waiting. We went for no surgery, but this brought more fear. Fear of infection, fear of hemorrhage, fear of needing a hysterectomy, fear that I had a placenta accreta. As the weeks turned into months and the ultrasounds seemed more stable, there was fear of being able to safely attempt pregnancy again. Then I had severe abdominal pain, which turned out to be caused by my gallbladder (it’s common to get cholecystitis postpartum), but needed another surgery. This became an almost comical distraction. And then in preparation for a uterine resection, I had a miraculous MRI. I learned firsthand of the power of time and our body to heal itself. As my body healed though, my heart was broken and the emotional toll started to reveal itself. Postpartum depression affects you even if your babies aren’t here. So I’m learning to live and grieve. I have a wonderful husband, family and our monthly grief support group. I still cry and have difficult days, but have come a long way since April. I’m hopeful and ready to start our next phase in this journey next week.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Take a deep breath, be present in the moment, and be aware of your inner strength.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wanted a way to look back on our year and remember. To realize how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown and healed. My body has been a large portion of that and I thought a photograph would be a helpful reminder of my strength and courage. I also feel that through my loss I can help teach others that pregnancy and parenthood come in many forms and can be a mix of joy and sadness. I want people to be less fearful of talking about pregnancy loss. I thought this was one public way that I could contribute to a dialogue about pregnancy loss and maybe comfort others going through a similar journey.

Dustin shares -

(We’ve had a) spontaneous trisomy that never showed signs of a heartbeat, a pregnancy of unknown location, and our Twins at just prior to 20 weeks. They have all been tough to process, but the official explanation that "twins are high risk" has been hardest to deal with for me. They were so small and here with us for such a short time, but I have been forever changed by them. The world is in some ways duller, but in others it is filled with so much more light. They are incredible.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I'm finally trying to get healthy again after neglecting health in general after April. Our loss made me so angry, that I certainly took that out on my body image for months. I saw my weight gain and loss of muscle as a continuation of my feeling as a failure. With better ways to manage my grief, I've found a restored desire to take care of myself, if for no other reason than to be attractive for my partner again. On the other hand, I have loved my partner's body throughout. It is a literal reminder of how dedicated and amazing of a parent she is going to be, however we eventually grow our family.

What was your postpartum experience? 

Depression, loneliness, and overwhelming anger. So much that I was afraid of it for the first time since I was a teenager experiencing it in all its significance for the first time. Through the support of the UNITE group, I've embraced that anger and rechanneled it into a deeper appreciation of humanity and an ability to be honest with my fellow humans, even when it hurts.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

So many things can't be planned or controlled, but they can be lived. Slow down and remember how to truly appreciate the little things.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I only just heard about it two days ago, but I could tell my partner wanted to participate and I think it's a great way to remember our twins and capture where our bodies are now. Especially as we continue our fertility journey and need to rely on our bodies again to help us.

Stella Dee

Stella Dee (30 - she/her) and Rosalind (6 mo)

St. Louis, MO | Boston, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Before I got pregnant I was working in (what can be the fairly macho) field of arboriculture as a climbing arborist, where when I first started work, I was the only women on a staff of 40, and when I switched to working for a smaller company, I was the only women of a company of 6. As a consequence, I was pretty invested in my muscles, and status as a more autonomous physical being, and pretty fearless when it came to putting my body into physically extremely risky situations involving heights and chainsaws.

With pregnancy came a concern for my physical safety that I've never felt before--I was working surveying trees during pregnancy, and concerned about all the icy slopes I was walking down last winter--as well as a new mindfulness about the physical safety of situations I was in. With pregnancy also came a newfound lack of ability to do things that I had taken for granted for most of my life--for example, to walk down the street without pain. I didn't resent my body for this, really, because I was amazed that it was growing life, but it was new.

In parenthood I also feel a newfound sense of responsibility for my physical safety, because now I feel like Rosalind has some claim to my body. When I go back to work I'll for sure be more cautious, and more aware and proactive about mitigating physical risks. I didn't gain a lot of weight while pregnant, and hated when people would make comments about how "small" I was carrying--it made me feel like I wasn't taking care of my child. Similarly, I was worried about losing too much weight too quickly while breastfeeding, and more muscle along with it. I'm pretty sure that's happened, although I've been trying as hard as I can to maintain weight. As a consequence, I hate the comments I get about how "good" I look when people really just mean thin. Thin isn't my goal, and I can't wait regain some of the weight I had, as well as to not have the anxiety around milk supply that come along with weight loss.

Also related to my occupation, I was pretty routinely mistaken for a man on first glance by strangers before getting pregnant, particularly at work, so it was definitely a shift to being so consistently coded by strangers as a woman. I don't enjoy when people use he/him pronouns for me, so that was kind of a nice shift, actually. Physically, I didn't enjoy being pregnant at all, even though I had by all accounts an "easy" pregnancy. I didn't like the symptoms, and didn't like the limitations. We want to have another child and I'm looking forward to the baby, but dreading having to do the pregnancy part again.

What was your postpartum experience?

Physically, early postpartum wasn't easy for me, although in comparison with other stories I've heard it was relatively uncomplicated. Rosalind was born in July, and we don't have central air conditioning, only a window unit in the bedroom, and Boston reached a heat index of over 100 degrees within the first three weeks of Rosalind's life. So we were basically trapped in the bedroom for a few of the days. To go from working outside every day to being trapped in a 10ftx10ft space with the shades closed was challenging both physically and mentally. Granted, most of the time wasn't that hot, but Rosalind's temperature as a newborn was a consistent source of stress. My bleeding picked back up about ten days after giving birth, and when I went back to see an Ob/Gyn who was different than the doctor I had worked with prenatally, they did an ultrasound and said that there was still material in my uterus that needed to come out, and he offered me a D&C, which I declined. So then I just bled for longer than you're "supposed" to.

Emotionally, postpartum has been much easier than I was concerned it would be. As someone who's definitely struggled with intrusive thoughts in the past, I was concerned about the possibility of a postpartum mood disorder. If anything, though, I've experienced LESS intrusive thoughts than in the past, which I wasn't expecting. I love watching Rosalind grow and develop and figure the world out. It's been deeply challenging not working, as well as not sleeping; I miss the trees and my coworkers and my work as an arborist, although I feel lucky and grateful for taking the time off that I have; I miss the bodily autonomy of not breastfeeding, especially since we haven't succeeded in giving Rosalind a bottle; and as someone who's always valued sleep and made time for it, not having slept an uninterrupted 8 hours in months is a challenge.

My parents are both teachers and were able to come cook and clean for us in July and August, which was incredible, and my partner was also able to take an extremely generous amount of parental leave. That made early postpartum extremely wonderful interpersonally--we felt so taken-care of. I'm part of an activist community in Boston that also organized a meal train for us. I know that the amount of support I had as a nursing parent and that we had as a couple is sadly rare and systemically denied in this country, which I find deeply unjust.

As someone who was (and hopes to soon go back to being) an hourly worker as a climbing arborist with class privilege, FMLA is incredibly insufficient. I wasn't physically able to continue working for my small company while pregnant (which wouldn't have been required to give me time off due to small business exemptions anyways), so I switched companies to a larger one, which wasn't required to give me time off because I hadn't been working there longer than a year. As a consequence, had I not had family support that allowed me to take unpaid time off, I would've had to either get another job or go back to a hard, physical job immediately after the incredibly intense and grueling physical experience of giving birth. I feel both lucky to have taken so much time off but also angry that the industry I work in makes it so hard for people to have children while still remaining employed.

There's starting to be more recognition of women in arboriculture but so far that seems to remain completely uncoupled from thinking about the experience of pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum return to work in arboriculture. I can count on half of one hand the number of women I know who've been climbing arborists and had children in Massachusetts, myself included.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

I feel like I experience much more camaraderie from strangers who are also parents since becoming a parent myself. That's pretty great, and something to look forward to that I wasn't expecting. To my former self I'd also say that so may of the cliches around pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting that I'd heard are true--it is the hardest thing I've done physically and emotionally, but also the most amazing.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Even though I grew up in a family that was very sex positive and open around bodies and pregnancy, and I knew my matrilineal history of pregnancy, loss, abortion, and postpartum recovery as it impacted my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother, those are still only a few experiences. I was the first of my close friends to get pregnant, and there was a lot about the infinite variation of experience that I didn't know, and I want to do my part to serve as a resource for the community of people who carry and/or bear children.

Heather Van Diest

Heather Van Diest (39 - she/her), Evangeline (7.5) and Eleanor (17 mo). You can view Heather’s first photo and story from 2018 here.

Austin, TX

I experienced a miscarriage in June of 2016. That was the start of my secondary infertility journey. After another year of trying I knew something wasn't right. I advocated for myself and I got in with a fertility doctor fairly quickly. She identified a large uterine fibroid and performed a meticulous surgery to remove it while preserving as much uterine tissue as possible. I was pregnant the very next month.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Like many gestational parents, I struggle with how different my body is compared to before. Especially with all the stretch marks and loose tummy skin this time around. But then I remind myself that all I wanted was this rainbow baby. I remember how hard I fought and cried and hoped - and then the physical scars don't matter anymore. They are a badge of honor I am lucky to carry. I have so many friends that would give anything for these scars.

What was your postpartum experience?

Eleanor was born with less than an hour of laboring - a precipitous birth. And almost 2 years to the day of my miscarriage. The excitement and relief I felt could never be put into words. But much like with my first, the postpartum course had some bumps. I had persistent bleeding and retained placental tissue that required two D&Cs around 8 weeks and 12 weeks postpartum. I also struggled with postpartum anxiety for nearly a year. What was different this time was that I had created a 4th trimester plan. I had support people in my corner who delivered meals, came to do my laundry, took my older daughter on play dates, and gifted me a postpartum doula. I wasn't shy about asking for help or purposefully crafting my village. I knew where all the gaps were last time and I was determined not to do this alone the second time.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Ask for help. Create a written 4th trimester plan as you are thinking about your birth plan. It is just as important, if not more so.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

Participating in this project the first time was extremely empowering and cathartic. But when we shot the first time, I wasn't sure if our rainbow baby would actually make it earth side. I guess I want to celebrate things coming full circle and express to the universe the immense gratitude I have for this journey - every piece of it.

Eliza Naomi

Eliza Naomi (37 - she/her) and Clara Bee (2)

New Orleans, LA

“Prior to conceiving Clara, I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2015. I found out that I was pregnant at the same time I found out that it wasn't a viable pregnancy and I would have to terminate. I barely had time to process the pregnancy before I had to process losing it. My husband was wholly unsupportive, I remember staying home from work and crying alone for 2 days. I felt like only got to feel the loss, and never the joy, of that pregnancy.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

I've always struggled with body image, but during my pregnancy and postpartum I have somehow managed to give my body more grace than I ever have in my entire life. After my ectopic pregnancy, I lost faith in my body's abilities. I felt no anxiety when I found out I was pregnant with Clara, only joy and hope. Knowing my body image struggles in the past, my midwife and I agreed that my weight would only be discussed if it were a health issue. Postpartum, I focused on what my body was doing- nourishing my daughter (for 2 years and 2 days!!!), and on what it had done, instead of how it had changed. It was hard at first because I didn't even recognize my body, it was so different. I was larger than I've ever been, which was hard sometimes, but I treated my body with respect and fueled it with good food, and had to trust that it knew best.

Now that I have a daughter, I am hyper-aware of the things I do and say about my body- I want to teach her to love her body because this is the only one she's going to get. If I wouldn't say it to her about her body, then I no longer say it to myself about my own body. It's amazing how much time I don't spend in front of the mirror anymore picking myself apart.

What was your postpartum experience?

My experience has been difficult, but hopeful. When I was 11 weeks pregnant my husband left, in a pretty brutal fashion. The things I endured during my pregnancy would have been difficult under normal circumstances, but add the pregnancy to them, and they were horrifying. I almost think that it's better he left when he did, so that I wasn't under the mistaken assumption that I would be raising my daughter with someone.

As with all birth stories, mine took a surprising turn that I hadn’t prepared myself for. I had a planned homebirth, my labor was 6 hours start to finish so it was fast and furious, but then the placenta wouldn’t deliver and I was transferred to the hospital for an emergency D&C. Clara was only 5lbs at 42 weeks and rather than examine the placenta as a reason for her IUGR, the doctors and nurses immediately assumed it was an infection and treated us accordingly. It was an awful experience, totally unnecessary, and has left me deeply untrusting of the medical community. My immediate postpartum time in the hospital was traumatic. I was bullied, lied to, and told that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed (which I did, successfully, for 2 years and 2 days). Once I was released from the hospital, I felt like our life began.

Postpartum is HARD. I wasn’t prepared, I don’t know if you can be as a first-time mother. It was a paradigm shift, and I had no idea what to expect. My body had just done this amazing thing, and was continuing to do amazing things, but it didn’t feel like my body. It was like I was an interloper in someone else’s body. I did give myself a lot of grace, which I’ve never done before, to let my body do what it needed to do. When I finally got on the scale 4 months postpartum I was pretty shocked…but not really at the number. I was shocked that I was the largest I’ve ever been and totally fine with it. Of course, there have been times where I’m frustrated trying to figure out how to dress this new body, but I think that’s normal. I’ve had a lifetime of being really hard on myself, constantly talking down to myself about my body, and it was like my pregnancy freed me from that. It was literally the opposite of what I thought would happen. I assumed I would be miserable with the weight gain throughout the pregnancy, and then be relentless in trying to lose it postpartum. I’m still not sure how that wasn’t the case, but I’m thankful for the acceptance I’ve had.

What is your truth?

Give yourself grace, in everything. It also helps to give others grace.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Seeing others photos and stories gave me a lot of strength to know that I wasn't alone. You can feel so alone postpartum, and while you know that you're not the first person to feel that way, it still feels like you are. I think I wanted to do this to prove to myself that I survived. Photographic evidence that I did it and I am still doing it and I am more beautiful than ever.

Lisa Votino

Lisa Votino (39) and Lily (6)

Shinnecock Indian Reservation, Southampton, NY

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

The physical is obvious. I have the typical tummy of having carried a child full-term. Then there is the lack of sleep and then the lack of time. I felt frumpy a lot of the time. As she got older though, I had space to explore who I was now and what that looked like as a mom. I am slowly reclaiming my body as my own and trying to set a good example for her. But I don't sweat the small stuff. This is my body - with all it's good parts and "bad" parts.

What was your postpartum experience?

I had a difficult pregnancy and I absolutely hated being pregnant. The way I got through it was by talking to this tiny little alien inside. She became my best friend before she was even out of the womb. During labor I didn't need anyone but her. We were a team and we were doing this together. And we did. She came out beautiful. But I instinctively knew something was wrong with both of us - she had magnesium poisoning and couldn't breathe and my placenta was stuck and I was hemorrhaging. We both died that day and we both survived that day. We are both pretty bad ass warriors. That only strengthened our bond and it's one that is hard to describe in words, but it is special and unique. I thought being a mom would be difficult. I thought that I probably was going to be awful at it. But I wasn't! I was and am pretty damn good at it! And Lily is my sidekick. The world better watch out....she is me on steroids.

What is your truth?

Trust your instincts. You know what is best for this tiny little human.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I am a community organizer and have made 4 trips in 5 months to Tijuana to volunteer with asylum seekers. I have seen things made of nightmares. Back at home I am also going through a divorce. It is difficult even if it is amicable. My daughter has been my light through all of this. I wanted to show a more intimate side of me and me with her. She is a very confident little girl in her thoughts and her beliefs, but I want her to always be confident and at home in her body, no matter how it develops. I hope she can look back at this and it serves as a little reminder. It is also my first portrait as a soon-to-be divorced mom of an amazing little girl after my work at the border. It felt important to document this time in my life as a personal reminder that I am still me.

Aimee Hadleigh

Aimee Hadleigh (36), Harlan (7), Narah (6), Easton (5), and Loa (4 months)

Reno, NV

Aimee shares -

“My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. It was particularly difficult as early on the doctors had noticed it was not continuing to develop and there was no heartbeat, but they recommended that I let the miscarriage happen naturally. It was probably a month before this happened. I felt like I was walking around like a zombie knowing my child was no longer alive and growing inside me. Me, waiting for this dreadful moment. Though I am thankful to have had the experience at home with my partner.

I go through waves of shifting body image with each pregnancy. There's those initial moments postpartum when I realize nothing I own actually fits on me. The moment when this little one is no longer in there and that space is now occupied by something else entirely that's strictly my own. There is a definite sadness for that loss, despite having the baby to now hold. Once I give in to what my body now is and buy clothes that actually fit, I feel like I embrace what once was and can feel the connection of my womb, the extra skin, the space and my children who once lived there. And there is a strength in that. Though the rest of the world can't see or feel this. They just see the postpartum belly, the tiredness, etc..

Each of my postpartum journeys has be remarkable different with each child. My first was in the NICU and had a host of medical problems. My story really centers around my failure to breastfeed and to advocate for my son in the hospital. I didn't know to request, or demand, opportunity to nurse in the NICU and they never offered, not once. At home, my son stopped breathing and was readmitted. Over this time my pumping abilities deteriorated in light of the terror of this sweet baby now pumped full and bloated from IV fluids who struggled to breathe.

I was less concerned about my postpartum body but struggled with negative emotions when trying to pump and flat out depression when I tried to nurse him and he screamed. We later came to realize his face was paralyzed on one side and couldn't latch. It felt like a journey of loss for my breastfeeding dreams and a disconnect with my body as I was thrust into the medical realm for my baby. Despite this experience, I was thrilled to have this little life before me and was soon pregnant again.

The birth of my first daughter was much simpler, though I spent weeks on bedrest for preterm labour. She made it full term. My postpartum memory is pretty hazy as the two babies were only thirteen months apart and our lives were consumed by therapies and medical appointments for my older son. Still I went on to have yet another.

After eight weeks on bedrest in the hospital for repeated hemorrhages, I gave in to an emergency cesarean after losing too much blood and having a very low placenta. My little one spent another seven weeks in the NICU and I really struggled to recover from the surgery. I spent at least the first week visiting him in a wheelchair. The cesarean was much more difficult than expected. My body was weak, my blood pressure low, and it was agonizing building the strength to hold my son and produce milk to nourish him.

My most recent birth has come full circle and is both a tearing apart and healing process. I planned a beautiful home birth that was anything but supportive or beautiful. Unfortunately, I had a retained placenta which caused major hemorrhage. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. By then I had already lost consciousness and ended up having my placenta removed surgically and a massive blood transfusion. While I planned to have this amazing bonding time at home, I spent the first week separated from my baby in the ICU. However, once home, we began an amazing journey reconnecting and breastfeeding. I've had a harder time coping with the change in my body after this last birth. I've felt rushed to get back to normal in an effort to care for the rest of my children and the new baby. Yet, my determination to breastfeed is driving me to let go of my body and focus on nourishing it to feed my daughter. With all the medical trauma surrounding my births and postpartum experiences, I struggle to connect to my own body and accept all the experiences it has gone through.

I choose to participate in an effort to support women's experiences and bodies as well as a way for me to reconnect to my body and begin a healing process.”

Maggie Stevens

Maggie Stevens (38), Sano (5), JoJo (2.5), and Benji (8 weeks)

Greenwich, CT | Brooklyn, NY

Maggie shares -

"I had a miscarriage between Sano and Joey. At nine weeks I had bleeding and no heartbeat and was told I had a blighted ovum. I hate that name, it sounds like a weird gastro intestinal condition, not the loss of a baby. I opted for a D&C because I wanted to get the whole thing over with. Little did I know that it's never really over -  how naive. The D&C left me with a condition called Asherman's Syndrome, which is scarring in the uterus that can leave some infertile.

We were told to wrap our heads around not being able to conceive more children, that my uterus was essentially broken. I hit the internet hard and was met with lots of Asherman's stories with sad endings. My midwives, the OB they sent me to and one endocrinologist had only seen one or two cases each, also with sad outcomes. Lucky for me, I found a wonderful doctor in NYC who is known for his skill at treating Asherman's, which, as you can imagine, is a rather delicate surgery. He successfully removed most of the scarring and almost exactly a year after we were told we may not be able to conceive more children, Joey was born. 

I'm learning not to be so hard on myself, after all, I look the way I do because I have given birth to three beautiful babies. I was pregnant in the summer months with JoJo and wore a bikini with pride. I loved my bump and felt no need to cover it up. Almost every time we went to the beach someone would comment on my belly, or how great it was that I was confident enough to show off my pregnant body. The compliments were nice but they were also eye opening. Why is an exposed pregnant body such a seemingly rare sight? Why are so many women made to feel they should cover up such an innocent body part? One that is doing something AMAZING?

As we approach "bikini season" I'm trying to find that same confidence with my current body, one that has very recently carried a child. I was so easily confident with a pregnant body, I should also be with my postpartum body. I'd love to think that people will look at me, running around with my three boys, and think, "Her body is beautiful, it's carried three babies!". But first, I have to get there. And I will, I will.

All three postpartum experiences were so different! I so badly wanted an unmedicated birth center birth with my first and dove into hypnobirthing. Long story (and labor) short, I ended up with a cesarean and spent my postpartum weeks mourning the loss of the birth I had envisioned and feeling like no one truly understood why I felt the way I did. I became OBSESSED with breastfeeding, not willing to get that "wrong" like I had gotten my birth "wrong". Lord help anyone who touched any of my frozen milk without consulting me first.

With my second I was determined to have a VBAC, which I did! Labor was significantly shorter but I pushed for so long that I have no recollection of what it felt like when the baby was coming out. I was too tired and too sore by the time JoJo arrived that all those sensations were gone. I had a retained placenta which was manually removed (barbaric, as awful as it sounds) but was home within 24 hours and happy that I had avoided a second cesarean. I needed stitches and those gave me some significant grief, which was frustrating. So to some extent, I was still feeling like my birth had left me wanting more. (Or perhaps less -- less surgery, less hands in my vagina, less stitches). I was much happier the second time around, but still got the weepies fairly regularly.

With my most recent birth, I had my baby at home in three hours, cheered on by his oldest brother. I could feel his head coming down the birth canal, I could feel all the sensations I had missed with JoJo. It was AWESOME! As we all laid happily around in those blissful minutes after his birth it became clear my placenta wasn't going to come out on its own. We did three manual removal attempts at home and then I headed to the hospital. I lost lots of blood and needed a blood transfusion, but the placenta was removed without issue and I was home in less than 24 hours. The blood loss knocked me on my ass for two weeks. I was so weak I couldn't do anything by myself. I spent the majority of my time snuggled in bed with my new baby with visits from the older boys. Although it was a scary turn of events, it forced me to have the kind of postpartum women should really have. I didn't see the inside of my fridge or my washing machine for weeks -- I snuggled, I slept, I nibbled food brought to me by wonderful family and friends.

I've been so much more sentimental this time around, mostly because Benji is going to be our last baby. I look at him and think, "This is the last time I will have a two-week old." Or, "This is the last time I will have an eight pound baby sleeping on my chest." The weepies still came, but they were usually sentimental rather than sad or angry. I look back at my birth and am so amazed and proud of how Benji came into the world. If he wasn't our last I would have to take a lot of time to consider how we'd birth another to avoid another alarming situation like we had with the placenta/blood loss and I think it would have negatively effected this postpartum experience a lot. But because he is our last I can easily focus on what an awesome birth it was and kind of keep the emergency transfer part separate. Part of me wishes I had at least one birth without an asterisk, without something I would change. But then I realize that there is no such thing. I'm sure if I asked 100 women about their births, most of them would have something they would change. Nothing is perfect, but my babies sure do come close.

Nothing lasts forever. I would get so stressed or anxious with Sano when something wasn't going well. If he was having a crying spell or if we were having a difficult time getting him to sleep through the night. When JoJo came along I realized that everything is but a moment. Sure, it's tough when you are having a hard time getting a baby to settle down, but eventually the crying will stop. It quite literally will not go on forever. Now when the going gets tough (say, getting kids ready to head out the door in the morning), I just think to myself, "In twenty minutes we will all be in the car singing a song and no one will be whining about what socks they are wearing." I've gotten significantly better at this with each kid and try to convey this message to new parents because it IS so stressful and can cause so much anxiety the first time around -- until you realize that when you look back, the bad/tough isn't what you immediately remember. What you remember first is the good stuff.

I love this movement so much -- everything about it is beautiful, the pictures, the stories, the reason behind it. It has made me be kinder to myself, to my body. I look at the people that have been photographed and think they are beautiful which has helped me to realize that I am too. If other people's photographs have touched me, hopefully my photograph will touch someone else and make them realize just how beautiful they are too. Be the change you want to see in the world -- one photograph at a time.

Jana C

Jana C (35) and Koa (2)

Berlin, Germany | Photographed in Seattle, Washington

Jana shares - 

"I have PCOS and have struggled with my weight and appearance since puberty. As a teenager and young adult, I really didn't have a lot of love, kindness and respect for my body and it really inhibited the way I walked through life in general, always being afraid of other people's judgement. I loved being pregnant and felt really empowered in my birth, seeing that my body just knew what to do, and for the first time in my life really, felt love and kindness and acceptance towards my body. It helped grow my son, it was his first home, providing him with safety and comfort and then it helped us have a powerful birth. It really reinforced this new view of my body as a part of me that is to be loved and respected.

PCOS caused some challenges with my milk supply, but I worked hard to have a nursing relationship regardless and seeing how my body has been this tool for connection and comfort for me and my son has further reinforced feelings of respect and kindness towards myself. I still have moments where I wonder what it would be like to be a smaller size, or wish to have Gal Gadot's figure, but for the most part I am at peace with the way I look and parenthood has had a huge part in that.

Koa and I have had a rough start to breastfeeding. He had jaundice and was too weak and tired to nurse well. He was also born with a pretty severe lip and tongue tie that didn’t get released until he was already 2 months old. On my side of the equation things didn’t look much better. First of all, I had retained placenta. So my body didn’t quite get the message that baby is born and that delayed my milk coming in. On top of that, I had low prolactin levels and likely IGT. I also have PCOS and was under a lot of stress immediately postpartum. Each of these things in and of itself can negatively impact your milk supply. Dealing with all of them made it virtually impossible for me to exclusively breastfeed. Breastfeeding was painful. I had cracked and bleeding nipples.

Koa lost almost 2 pounds in the first week and I had lactation consultants and midwives visit every day for several hours and was put on a different regimen pretty much every day for the first 2 weeks. Nurse on demand for as long as he wants, or every 90 min from start to start, whichever one comes first. Help him latch by squeezing your breast this way, hold his head in this manner, tickle him so he doesn’t fall asleep. Massage your breast to facilitate letdown, get donor milk, supplement with a feeding tube and syringe at the breast (master this tricky thing while still learning how to help your baby latch), grow two more arms so you can do all these things simultaneously. Pump immediately afterwards, then care for your nipples in this way, then sanitize all the equipment, but don’t forget to hold your baby upright for a half hour after feeding for his reflux and do skin on skin as much as possible. Maybe pump on one side while you’re nursing on the other. Take Goat’s Rue, Shativara, Fenugreek, your prenatals and your DHA. Drink a gallon of water. Eat well. Don’t eat anything that might make baby gassy. Eat Oats. Get some fennel. Read this article. And this blog post. But only if you have time.

Remember that this wasn’t my second or third baby. No, I was completely new to motherhood! I had to learn how to even hold a baby securely, read his cues, clothe him, change his diaper etc., deal with the crying and the sleep deprivation. The new relationship dynamics. AND I was recovering from birth. I couldn’t sit without it being painful for weeks, and was supposed to do sitzbaths several times a day. I, to this day, only did that once, simply for lack of time to do it. Just writing this again now is making my head spin. I am not exaggerating when I say that I had no time to go to the bathroom, eat, sleep or do anything other than this. I honestly didn’t even have time or the nerve for half of this stuff. It was driving me insane. How someone is supposed to keep up with any of this is completely beyond me. AND I already had help. My parents fed me and held Koa when I needed to pump. The worst part, it affected my feelings towards my baby. I never not loved him, but for a few days, this infatuation, this feeling of being in love with my child went away. Completely disappeared. I felt depressed and angry. Deficient in some way. This body that so beautifully and easily birthed my child, had known exactly what to do, I had trusted it to do its job and it was failing me now. I sent everyone away, cancelled every follow up appointment and told people I needed a break. I switched to formula (it was hard to get donor milk and I hated the way Koa smelled like another mom’s milk) and bottle. This gave me a much needed break.

My parents fed him with the bottle and I either pumped or rested. I pumped and pumped and the most I ever got was 10oz/day. On a good day. Pumping was challenging in its own right. I had the wrong flange size and my hands cramped up from holding parts for hours every day. I had to sit leaned forward because of how my nipples are positioned and it causes my back to basically be in pain all the time. I contemplated giving up. Everyone around me that saw how much I struggled, encouraged me to just call it a day. I was close to it. But I would nurse Koa once or twice a day if I felt like it and I realized that I didn’t want to give up. I realized that breastfeeding is so much more than nutrition. Yes, the benefits of breastmilk are great and undeniable. Mother’s milk is magical if you will and there are plenty of blog posts about those benefits. But it’s also comfort. It’s bonding, it’s safety, it’s love. So I started going to support groups, and I read articles online and I told myself I’d just try this one last thing. And then this one other last thing. I just wanted to be sure that I gave it my all.

And we started nursing more often. I would nurse him, then top him off with a bottle of formula, hold him. Eventually, I decided to give the SNS a try. I was anxious and hesitant because the feeding tube initially was horrible and hadn’t worked for us at all. But when I finally got the Lact-Aid in the mail, it worked like a charm. I was so happy! I started a routine of preparing formula, straining it, storing it in the fridge and keeping two bags prepped in the fridge. Once or twice, Koa rejected the boob crying SO hard,  he had learned that he wouldn’t be getting any milk and was waiting for me to give him a bottle. Eventually, he learned to trust me though. I went off all supplements and while it is sad that I couldn't ever provide Koa with a full supply of mother’s milk, I know that he is getting SOME milk from me and that is beneficial for him, but what’s more important is that he is getting a full supply of mother’s love. 100% nursing and proud of it. Koa is now two and we are still nursing. He wakes up 3-5 times a night to nurse and while that is hard for me, I worked too hard for our nursing relationship to just end it now when he clearly isn't ready to move on.

"Their judgment is not so much a reflection of you but rather of their own struggle." I think this can apply to any kind of judgement, judgment of your appearance, as well as judgment of your parenting choices.

Following this project, seeing other mom's pictures and reading their stories has had a huge positive impact on me in the months following my son's birth. It constantly reinforced that I was ok, my body was ok, that I am enough. I wanted to be part of something that's so powerful."

Felicity Ann Eubanks Colangelo

Felicity Ann Eubanks Colangelo (36), Ava (4) and Isla (25 months)

Kettle Falls, Washington | Photographed in Portland, Maine

Felicity shares - 

"In March 2012 we found out we were pregnant for the first time. We were thrilled, and felt very lucky it hadn't taken long to conceive. At our 10 week visit with the midwife we were unable to hear a heartbeat and became concerned. A week later I went in for an ultrasound and discovered we weren't going to be having this baby. I was shocked and devastated. That weekend was Mother's Day and I wondered if I would ever be a Mother, if my body would be able to carry children. Days later I began to labor. It was so much more painful than I imagined and I was scared not knowing what was happening in my body or how long it would last. I remember thinking this is the opposite of what I want if I have a successful pregnancy and live birth! Having planned for a home birth, I tried all of the birthing techniques I knew and spent a lot of time in the bath tub. For 3 days, every evening I would have a few hours of intense contractions. On the third day, 12 days after the ultrasound, I asked my husband call for an ambulance. I was in so much pain I couldn't move and I was exhausted emotionally and physically. At the hospital I discovered I was only 1 cm dilated and my uterus was full of fluid. My body wasn't able to birth the fetus on it's own.

During my pregnancy with Ava, I experienced a real acceptance of and love for my body for the first time in my adult life. I was proud of the work my body was doing. After she was born, I was able to stay active; I felt strong and healthy. When I became pregnant with Isla, my mental health suffered and I wan't happy in general. I've struggled with depression and overall feelings of inadequacy in all areas of life. My body has changed quite a bit from the second full-term pregnancy and labor, and I have difficulty feeling comfortable in my body and in clothing. I find myself hiding in my clothes and sucking in my belly. I try to focus on being strong and healthy instead of thin. It is so difficult to fight the socially constructed value placed on thinness, and it is imperative that my girls receive healthier messages at home.

As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a mom. Both of my girls were planned home births, though the first didn’t go quite as planned. I had witnessed 2 home births as an adolescent and, after researching my options, I ultimately felt most comfortable with that plan. With Ava, labor began very intensely, without the lead-up of lighter contractions. I was immediately fearful and began doubting my body. After a long labor and over 4 hours of manual pushing, she was born big and healthy. I began to hemorrhage because my uterus was having trouble contracting and the placenta wouldn’t detach. My midwives were quick to act and, with shots of Pitocin and pressure, they got placenta to detach and the bleeding to stop before we arrived at the hospital. The hospital visit, though short, took away my ability to have immediate skin time with Ava. I was surprised that, at the time, the separation didn’t bother me; I was so thrilled to have a healthy baby that nothing else mattered!

The following day, she was diagnosed with congenital hip dysplasia. At 1 week old she was placed in a hip harness, which she had to wear 24/7 for the next 10 weeks of her life. I still mourn not having that skin-to-skin time in the early weeks of her life. In addition, we had a very difficult time nursing. I felt a lot of pressure for her to get milk so each day, after trying for hours to get her to latch without pain, I finally allowed her to nurse with an improper latch. We had a minor tongue-tie clipped, which was pretty traumatic and didn’t seem to make a difference. For the first 4 weeks nursing was almost unbearable. At times, I would express milk and feed her with a spoon or dropper to give my breasts a break. It was a very challenging time. I feel grateful I had an over-abundant milk supply so she was always able to get enough milk, even if the process was painful. I am also extremely glad I didn’t suffer from postpartum depression after her birth.

Pregnancy with Isla was very difficult. I became depressed; I felt angry and irritable toward Ava, and resentful toward my unborn baby. These feelings led to intense guilt. Having stopped working to stay home with Ava, I started to miss my identity as a clinical social worker, friend and wife. I realized how isolating my life was; I’d go days without talking to adults besides the couple of hours my husband was home in the evening. We had moved to Maine when I was 8 months pregnant, so I didn’t have a built-in support network. Thanks to Birth Roots, I did meet other new moms. This was a life-saver, but I struggled not having anyone around who knew me BEFORE I had children. My entire identity had become being Mom. I never expected that to make me sad!

I couldn’t be happier with Isla’s labor and delivery. It was everything I could have wanted and, with the help of my amazing midwives, I could finally trust my body to do what it needed to do. She was born very peacefully in water after 8 hours and less than 30 min of pushing, and my body did all the work on its own. I was able to regain trust in my body and enjoyed cuddling with Isla from the moment she was born. Isla was diagnosed with congenital hip dysplasia before the day was over, which was initially less devastating the second time around, because we knew what to expect. I made sure to make the most of her first week, knowing she’d be in the hip harness after that. It is still sad to know how little skin-to-skin time both of my girls received.

I still struggle with my attempts to re-discover myself in all the roles outside of being a parent. I sought out help and have found relief from the PPD. Even as a former mental health provider, it was difficult for me to identify my experience as depression versus the everyday challenges of being a new mom. As a formerly very patient, easy-going person, I never imagined parenting could be this difficult. I have found it to be the most challenging and life-changing experience to date. I never imagined I’d feel such strong, negative feelings toward these little people whom I love the most. If I'd had more breaks, more balance in the early months, I think it would have made a world of difference. As I make the transition back into clinical social work, my future goal is to work in the postpartum world supporting new families. We need all the support we can get!

Take all the help you can get. Seek out help whenever possible. You will be a better parent if you make yourself a priority! It isn't selfish, lazy, or a sign of weakness to make time for yourself; balance is mandatory for the health of you and your family.

When Birth Roots announced 4th Trimester Bodies Project would be in Portland I was intrigued. I went to the website and read some of the women's stories. They were so moving, I found myself weeping. With some I could relate, and others I just felt so much compassion for their experiences. I wanted to be a part of the movement to help parents feel understood and less alone. The session is on my daughter's birthday, the 4th anniversary of the beginning of my journey as a parent. I hope I can make strides to find acceptance and love for my body again, and I think it's important to capture this moment in time."