Carrie Elisabeth (28 - she/her - 30 weeks pregnant). Mother to Tate (would be 8), Brenner Elisabeth (4) and Bennett Wilder (2 - pictured)
Columbia, SC | Philadelphia, PA
“I lost my first baby at 18, and it was one of the most isolating times of my life. Naming the baby really helped me to process my grief. Tate was due 03/03/11. Holidays were always hard for me, and I wouldn’t go to church on Mother’s Day because it was too painful. I had felt the pain of losing a child but didn’t feel like I could stand with my arms being empty. It wasn’t until I had my rainbow baby in 2016 that my heart began to finally heal.
Today, being pregnant immediately after a loss has been strange to navigate. I miscarried right before/the beginning of a family trip we were on. My parents planned to have professional photos on the trip, and I had talked to the photographer about pulling us to the side, taking photos with a onesie, and my family would find out when they got the photos back. I didn’t have the heart to message her and hoped that the bleeding wasn’t anything. However, I felt like deep down I knew because my tests were getting lighter. 7.5 weeks later, I took over a dozen pregnancy tests. I didn't think this baby would stick either, and I was hesitant to tell friends and my husband. Every appointment with my midwife, I was sure she wouldn’t be able to find a heartbeat. I’ve been the most anxious this pregnancy. Even when my little one isn’t as active it makes me paranoid that something is wrong. I’m now 30 weeks pregnant and, while I can’t wait to meet this little babe who will be joining our family soon, I can’t help but feel sad at the baby we never got to meet. I’ve always went a little before my due date. So, I would more than likely have had a new baby the end of next week if I hadn’t lost that baby.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I’ve always felt self conscious of my breast size, but they’ve finally gained their worth to me while breastfeeding my girls. After 4 solid years of nursing, I no longer want a boob job, and I’m content living in nursing tanks. I never worried too much about my weight, but tandem nursing was not friendly to my body and, while i lost the pregnancy weight pretty quickly, I gained it all back nursing the girls. I really wanted to lose 30 pounds before baby 3, and that didn’t happen. I am the highest weight I’ve ever been. I try to not let it bother me too much, but I know if I see a certain number on the scale I’ll be really disappointed in myself. I was pretty fit before babies - doing mudruns, a Spartan, and several half marathons. Now, I couldn’t run a mile to save my life. My legs, thighs, and belly are covered in stretch marks. Not long ago, while showering, my 4-year-old rubbed some of the stretch marks on my belly and asked how I got so many booboos. I want to be proud of my body and all that it has done, but it’s hard when I don’t feel comfortable where I’m at right now.
What was your postpartum experience?
While pregnant with our second, we moved away from the only place I’d ever called home. Moved away from my family, friends, and the only life I’d ever known. To a new place that felt like a foreign land with totally different weather. I was depressed and cried all the time. I just wanted to go home. My husband’s family was there, but it just wasn’t the same. I felt envious of everyone who had their “village” supporting them after birth and during motherhood. I felt alone. I had amazing friends far away who I texted with frequently. A close friend flew up when I went into labor and stayed for a few stays. My mom came up too, but I missed having someone who lived close and who could come over at the drop of a hat if I needed support. I felt like life was exhausting and mundane, especially when I started working full time after maternity leave. Also, it has been so hard finding mom friends and community with my work schedule. I’m hoping this postpartum journey isn’t so lonely since I actually have some local friends now. My mom is flying up for the birth this time as well, and I have a better support system up here now.
Further, I’ve been having a lot of guilt about weaning my toddler, Bennett, before baby arrives. She isn’t as attached to nursing as my big one was (she was weaned right before turning 3.5). I feel bad about her not getting an equal amount of time nursing. I tandem nursed for 17 months. Bennett has only gotten to nurse for 7 months without sharing, and my supply has tanked so she isn’t even getting much milk. I feel like I should keep going and let her self wean or wean closer to 3.5 instead of right after turning 2. But I know how draining tandem nursing was, and it would be easier to wean her and have a short break before baby arrives.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Give yourself grace, and don’t be afraid to ask for help or know when you’ve reached your limit. Today, I got home from work, unloaded the girls, and brought them inside to dad. Immediately, I left so that I could have an hour of silence after a super stressful and exhausting day.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I chose to participate in this movement and share my story because I knew it would help me be proud of and love my body no matter what. I want my girls to have positive body images and know that every body is beautiful regardless of size, color, and differences.