Nicole Bickel

The beautiful Nicole Bickel, Holden Edward (2.5) and Thatcher Cove (4 mo).

Nicole and her husband tried for over a year to conceive when they finally got pregnant. She was so thrilled to have a positive pregnancy test and just keep testing to see the results. Unfortunately, a week later she experienced what felt like the worst period of her life and says that in her naïveté, she assumed that all the tests had just been wrong and perhaps she had never really been pregnant after all. She was sad, but a different kind of sad than if she realized they'd lost their baby. It wasn't until she conceived Holden and discussed it with her doctor that she realized she'd had a chemical pregnancy but she still didn't begin to process her feelings and would be years later she was hit with the grief of her loss. 

Nicole had an amazingly healthy pregnancy with her rainbow baby, Holden, and had never felt so sexy in her life. They live in the middle of nowhere, and midwives were difficult to find but after searching she settled with a midwife who was not licensed but had been referred to her and had helped women deliver babies all over the world. She also hired a doula who was just starting out and had a beautiful home birth planned. Labor began naturally but after 11 hours of labor, as she was going through transition, her midwife lost all confidence and transferred her to the hospital. Nicole went from 7 centimeters to 9 centimeters in the two-hour trip to the hospital but once there the doctor didn't come in to see her for 8 more hours. 21 hours into labor she accepted Pitocin because they told her the babies heartbeat was wavering and things needed to be sped along. After Pitocin, her water was broke, she had two epidurals placed and ultimately she delivered via cesarean. She was thrilled to have her beautiful boy and didn't learn until after he was born that he had been posterior.

Just under two years later, after eight and a half months of trying, they conceived again and this time she was determined for things to be different. She found an amazing, well qualified midwife willing to travel the 2 hours to her and her doula was also amazing. Not only did she believe in herself but so did her team but still, she could not feel secure in her pregnancy. Nicole had never mourned her previous loss and residual postpartum depression/PTSD from her birth took over any space she had for those emotions and she struggled to bond with her baby. Nicole had just got into burlesque dancing and at 11 weeks was putting her finishing touches on makeup for a photo shoot when she felt a gush of fluid similar to a period. She had cramping and continued to bleed, convinced she was miscarrying.  Nicole contacted her midwife and doula who confirmed her worst fears were likely happening but after a few hours the bleeding stopped and the cramping subsided. The following day, on her first born's birthday, they went into the hospital for an ultrasound thinking they would have confirmation of another loss but instead learned that cervix was closed and there was a beautiful baby inside with a heart beat.

Nicole was incredibly relieved her baby was well and she was diagnosed with a severe subchorionic hemorrhage that healed itself throughout the next few months pregnancy. It was at the anatomy scan weeks later that everything became so real and she began to feel bonded with her baby. She never again doubted her pregnancy and was on track towards getting her home birth when at 35.6 weeks her water broke. Midwives couldn't legally deliver at home until 37 weeks and Nicole lived 6 hours from the nearest hospital that allows VBAC's so she drove two and a half hours away to a birth clinic who had been known for being more friendly to "cesarean refusals." Her midwife, met her there and she learned she wasn't dilating at all. Fearing another cesarean, Nicole checked herself out of the hospital against medical advice but with the support of her midwife and doula. 

Nicole's doula checked her baby's heartbeat on doppler and she monitored her temperature every hour or so to check for any sign of infection and they avoided any vaginal checks so as not to introduce infection. Nicole remained pregnant until 37.7 weeks when she labored beautifully and Thatcher was born safely at home fifteen days after her water initially broke. 

"One thing my birth experiences have really taught me is that we all have birth experiences. Occasionally you get the cookie cutter pregnancy that you always see on TV but the reality is most of us don't. You don't really get to hear about or learn that until something happens to you surrounding your own birth and you start to talk about it. Then others start to open up too. That's why I think it's important for women to share their birth experiences, good and bad. To help prepare future mothers for anything that may happen. Since becoming a mother I've found my voice and self love. I love my body. It's far from perfect but who cares if it's a little saggy, dimply, or not tight at all. I want to celebrate my bodies accomplishments, not bring it down by judgement on myself."

Heather Raeburn

The radiant Heather Raeburn and Ramona (2.5)

Heather was able to conceive Ramona quickly but the beginning of her pregnancy was somewhat intense. She began bleeding early on, spotting at just 6 weeks and then passing clots. She was in and out of the hospital to check on things and they eventually diagnosed her with a threatened miscarriage and sub-chorionic hemorrhages. Heather was having weekly ultrasounds and monitoring but as worrisome as her pregnancy began, when she hit 13 weeks the bleeding stopped and everything improved. 

During Heather's anatomy scan near 20 weeks, she learned that she had a bi-lobed placenta with two equal lobes, the rarest presentation. They couldn't tell where her cord was inserted which could have have led to issues but simply required some extra scans. 

At 29 weeks, Heather began to feel cramping and pressure and went into the emergency room. She was 1 cm dilated but wasn't having any contractions and thought she just needed to hydrate. She was discharged and at the doctor the following day, Heather told her that she was feeling pressure and was amazed to find she had dilated to 3 cm in just 24 hours. Heather was sent to the hospital right away where they were able to stop her labor and send her home again. She was on modified bedrest for 5 weeks until Ramona arrived 6 weeks and 1 day early, at 34 weeks. 

Heather's water broke in the middle of the night but contractions hadn't started yet. She went into the hospital and her doctors wanted to start pitocin but were able to wait. Within two hours, Heather's contractions were non stop but she was only 6 cms dilated and both she and Ramona were in distress. They gave her terbutaline to stop contractions and talked them through the possible need for an emergency cesarean. Heather agreed to an epidural and they decided to put water back into her uterus to help ease some of the distress. At 2:30 that afternoon, Ramona was born and never needed breathing assistance thanks to steroids in utero. Heather was able to hold her baby for a minute before she was taken to NICU for the next 9 days.

Five hours after her birth, Heather was able to make her way to the NICU to see Ramona. She tried to breastfeed in hospital but found it difficult to get everything situated and decided to pump and transition to breast once she got home. Heather returned to work when Ramona was 14 weeks old and started to go through Postpartum depression and anxiety she's still dealing with today. Heather is feeling like she's coming over the hurdle now but has struggled with being unable to carry her daughter to term as if her body had failed her but also knows her that her body is amazing for carrying her daughter for exactly as long as she could. 

Heather had sought treatment and a support group for her depression initially but a cross country move left her without help for some time. She's thankfully found a new therapist and started taking medication to cope with her depression and anxiety. 

Heather was drawn to the project for several reasons and says, "The celebration of every type of mother, experience and body is so important. The ability to embrace everyone is something that is often lacking in the sphere of motherhood".

Kayleigh Elliot

The wonderful Kayleigh Elliot with her son Layton (19 mo). Kayleigh wasn't sure she wanted children until she knew she wanted children. She was fortunate to conceive without any issue and got pregnant on the first try both times. Her pregnancy with Layton was very healthy until the end when she developed PUPPS and the very itchy rash that comes along with it. She had an elective induction to help it go away but ended up having the rash for 7 more weeks. She had hoped to have a medication free delivery but ended up trying Nubain which made her too sleepy and then an epidural so she could be aware enough to push Layton out. Kayleigh breast fed Layton and things were going very well. She returned to work at 5 weeks and continued to pump but started to see her supply diminish. She tried everything to up her production and was successful. A couple months later she started feeling poorly. After a few days at home she went to urgent care and was told she had a UTI even though she had no symptoms. She continued to get sicker and her husband ultimately took her to the ER where she was diagnosed with meningitis. Kayleigh had to spend several days in the hospital and because of the medications she was on her son could not nurse or be with her. Her body was working so hard to keep her alive her she stopped producing milk. Kayleigh has fully recovered but still has a very difficult time with the fact that she couldn't continue to breastfeed.

This pregnancy has been a little more challenging than the last. She had a subchorionic hemorrhage in her first trimester and was told she had a threatened miscarriage. She continued to bleed through her first trimester and while the baby is doing very well she's had to stop working early. Kayleigh is hoping to attempt an unmedicated delivery and uncomplicated breastfeeding experience this time. Through her struggles Kayleigh was introduced to a welcoming and supportive community of women and mothers who helped her through some of her hardest times. She is excited to share her story within that community and know that it will speak to someone else and continue the community of support.

Varuna Devarajan

The dashing Varuna Devarajan with her son Anurav (14 months). Varuna was very sick throughout her first two trimesters and says that when people told her to enjoy her pregnancy she wondered what there was to enjoy. She had two subchorionic hemorrhages, one at 9 weeks and the other 11 weeks and nervously feared that she was going to miscarry. Once her third trimester came, however, she felt good was able to settle into the last moments of pregnancy and appreciate them. She went in for her 36 week check up and learned she had started to dilated but they didn't expect things to progress quickly. Much to her surprise her water broke 19 days early and Anurav arrived. She had hoped for a completely natural delivery but once the pain began opted for an epidural and was able to have a beautiful birth. Breastfeeding was complicated at first, she had a flat nipple and her boy had a disorganized suck. She tried everything from seeking help to using a shield to watching videos and then randomly at 3 weeks as she waited for her husband to bring her the breast shield he latched on and they never looked back. Varuna says that she's never felt comfortable in her body but wants to feel better and hopes that participating in this movement will help.

Varuna Devarajan

The dashing Varuna Devarajan with her son Anurav (14 months).

Varuna was very sick throughout her first two trimesters and says that when people told her to enjoy her pregnancy she wondered what there was to enjoy. She had two subchorionic hemorrhages, one at 9 weeks and the other 11 weeks and nervously feared that she was going to miscarry. Once her third trimester came, however, she felt good was able to settle into the last moments of pregnancy and appreciate them. She went in for her 36 week check up and learned she had started to dilated but they didn't expect things to progress quickly. Much to her surprise her water broke 19 days early and Anurav arrived. She had hoped for a completely natural delivery but once the pain began opted for an epidural and was able to have a beautiful birth. Breastfeeding was complicated at first, she had a flat nipple and her boy had a disorganized suck. She tried everything from seeking help to using a shield to watching videos and then randomly at 3 weeks as she waited for her husband to bring her the breast shield he latched on and they never looked back. Varuna says that she's never felt comfortable in her body but wants to feel better and hopes that participating in this movement will help.

Alison Jaramillo

The amazing Alison Jaramillo with her daughter's River (34 months) and Autumn (1 year). Alison and her husband were together for quite a few years before they decided to get married and have children. She was able to conceive within about a month of trying. Her pregnancy progressed without complication and she went into labor on her due date. She had thought she'd labor at home for a while but as she got in the shower and prepared to rest she realized they needed to get to the hospital. While she had hoped to labor naturally she opted for Nubian for pain relief. When she got to the hospital the nurse told her she was "only a three" (Alison would have loved to hear she was already a three!) and they anticipated she still had quite some time to labor. Within five hours from her first contraction her daughter was born. While River was perfectly healthy the effects of the Nubian hadn't yet worn off and she slept for her first 24 hours of life. Alison had a difficult time getting her to nurse and at her first weight check she had lost almost a pound. Alison had a lot of support from her family and friends through her breastfeeding struggles and after about 9 weeks of working with a lactation consultant she was able to find her stride and nursed River until she was 12 months old.

Alison was able to conceive Autumn without complication as well, if fact she found out she was expecting before they'd even started trying. At her visit she learned she was just a few weeks pregnant. She had been feeling like something was off and at her first ultrasound her doctor told her that she had one baby that was measuring at 8 weeks and another that had stopped at 5 weeks and appeared to be a vanishing twin. Alison began to reconcile what that meant for her and just a few weeks later at another ultrasound was told that there was no evidence of a second baby which further added to her confusion. She experienced spotting and bleeding until she was about 25 weeks along due to a subchorionic hemorrhage and once things resolved she had a healthy pregnancy thought it was much more stressful than her first. Just like her sister, Autumn's labor started right on her due date but progressed much more slowly this time. Alison very much wanted to delivery without any medications or interventions this time and was able to do just that. Autumn took to nursing without complication and is still breastfeeding today. Alison wanted to participate in this movement for her daughters and to share her story as an inspiration for other women as they have been for her.

Amber Garza

The amazing Amber Garza with Emma (4.5), Mason (3), Jaxx (20 mo), Scarlett (3 mo). Amber struggled with infertility before getting pregnant with Emma. It took several years and ultimately Clomid before she was able to conceive. She always wanted a large family and was disappointed that she may not have an surprise pregnancies. Her waters broke at 24 weeks and she ended up delivering her baby girl. Emma stayed in NICU for 104 days but is healthy and happy today. Much to Amber's surprise she got pregnant spontaneously very soon after Emma came home. She saw an OB and was very closely monitored with her second pregnancy with weekly ultrasounds and near the end started getting pushed for an induction. She was worried that if we didn't start labor soon they would force her hand so she drank castor oil at 39 weeks 5 days and ended up going into labor. She was able to deliver naturally but determined future births would be different. She got spontaneously pregnant again while both breastfeeding and on the mini-pill. This time she chose to see a midwife and have her baby at home. She was bleeding at 14 weeks and was determined subchorionic hemorrhage. She bled from 14-20 weeks while being monitored. Her midwife suggested that perhaps stopping breastfeeding would help her uterus heal. She wasn't certain she wanted to stop but took the chance and it worked. The rest of her pregnancy was healthy and she made it post dates. Jaxx was born in the water at home but he wasn't crying or responsive. Her midwife had to give him a couple of breaths and it was determined that her cord had tore and he was loosing blood. Thankfully he was okay and didn't need to transfer. Amber's most recent pregnancy and birth were her most healing. She had another spontaneous pregnancy, healthy throughout and delivered her daughter at home 18 days post dates.