Kelly Trout (33 - she/her) and Isla (19 mo)
Arlington, VA | Washington, DC
“I feel a sense of urgency to sort out my body image, so that I can be the most supportive role model possible for my daughter.
What was your postpartum experience?
I had a really hard time accepting my cesarean. I went into Isla’s birth with the belief that I only cared that we both came out of it alive. But the moment I was told I needed a cesarean, I learned how important vaginal birth was for me. I spent the next hour with my doula pushing in all different positions, exceeding the number of pushes and seconds per push every time in a desperate attempt to deliver Isla without surgery. I was unsuccessful. I didn’t feel in a position to make a logical decision, so I went with the recommendation of my partner and my doula and had the cesarean. After Isla’s birth, I knew something wasn’t right. I felt very connected to her but also very down. I kept replaying Isla’s birth in my mind, desperate to figure out where things went wrong. A month after Isla was born, I was diagnosed with a stress reaction to my cesarean: on the same spectrum as post-traumatic stress but not as severe.
In addition, on day 2 of Isla’s life, she stopped eating. I begged for help from the lactation consultant, but things worked when she was in the room, then stopped working as soon as she left. I begged to start pumping, since she wasn’t latching, and thankfully they let me. On the morning of day 3 of Isla’s life. I was told she had lost more than 10% of her body weight and she would need to start supplementing breastmilk with formula. Because I’d started pumping the day before, I was able to supplement some with my own milk. She took the formula with ease, but breastfeeding proved a real struggle. Still, I was committed to not failing a breastfeeding, too. I maintained my supply with pumping and eventually got her off formula after a week or so. She has never been wild about breastfeeding, and to this day I wonder if I did it only for me, to her detriment.
What is your truth?
I was born to be a mother.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
All of this: being a mom, being a role model, living in a postpartum body - it’s all so hard. We need as many real stories about this journey out there as possible.