Abby Foster Cochran (40), mother to Sevi (3) and Finn (deceased)
Arlington, TX | Photographed in Austin, TX
Abby shares -
"My son Finn was conceived after a two year long infertility journey. My husband and I conceived Finn in our first IUI procedure. We were thrilled to say the least. We found out at 12 weeks gestation that Finn had Trisomy 21 or Down syndrome. This was a shock for us, but through research, education, prayer, and lots of talking we felt prepared to be the best parents we could be to Finn. I delivered Finn after a day of Pitocin and three good pushes. He came into the world like a lion. A big hearty cry, long beautiful fingers, and a head full of strawberry blonde hair. I was in love.
After so much worrying while I was pregnant about Down syndrome, I felt like once he was born and I could look at him we would be fine. We'd connect. He'd know I was his and he was mine, and we'd figure any bumps out as they came. Finn's oxygen saturation was a little low after he was born so he went to the NICU to get stabilized. He was off oxygen within a day but during that time he developed a gram negative infection which led to sepsis. One night I had a baby who needed a little oxygen and the next day I was in an ambulance with lights and sirens while the transport team was resuscitating my beautiful boy in the back.
Finn was rushed to Dell Children's Hospital in Austin where he underwent emergency surgery. I cannot say enough good things about Dell. They gave my son his best possible chance for survival. The sepsis had caused irreparable renal and neurological damage. My beautiful brave boy died on his 7th day of life in my arms. His Papa and I told him how much we loved him, wanted him, that there had never been a boy more adored in all the world. Helping him transition felt like welcoming my own death, but making sure he was at peace and safe and loved through that part of his journey felt like the most important job I could do as his mama. My body aches for him and I miss him every day.
I'm squishy now. I loved being pregnant and felt incredibly strong and beautiful. However, the fourth trimester on has been difficult. When I'm holding my daughter or rocking her to sleep I see how comfy and cozy my body is for her. I see how strong I am to lift her and swing her and play with her. But I still feel that insecure voice of my 20's saying I should be a certain size or wear certain clothes to be sexy, be attractive for my husband, be in style, matter, be worthy, be enough. The dialogue is exhausting some days.
Motherhood is becoming a super hero. I don't feel it everyday, I have shit days, but the love I have for my children feels like I can shape shift to keep them safe. I never knew I had this type of power and strength in me. Never.
{I participated in the project} to see myself as a mother. To remember this painful beautiful chapter. To have a picture of me with both of my children."