Ariel Mendoza (25), Onyx (would be 1 - stillborn August 2018) and Lazuli (1 mo). You can view Ariel’s original photo and story from 2018 here.
Occupied Dakota Territory / St. Paul, MN
“My introduction into motherhood was traumatic, as it started with loss. I went weeks thinking I was growing a baby, having continuous pregnancy symptoms only to find out growth had stopped at 6 weeks. I had a missed miscarriage and needed a D&C because my body wouldn’t miscarry naturally. My second pregnancy also ended in miscarriage. Despite being diagnosed with secondary infertility, I got pregnant for a third time but my son Onyx was born prematurely at 20 weeks and passed away shortly after birth. Medically and legally he’s considered “stillborn”. My only living child, Lazuli Phoenix, was born the same week as her big brother Onyx, a year later.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Three of my four pregnancies have ended in loss and I’ve often felt really distant from my body because of that. I’ve felt really betrayed by my body most of the time. It feels like it did something TO me, if that makes sense. Now - having a living child - I’m learning to see my body in a more positive way. I’m try to look at it as strong for the journey I’ve gone through to be able to have Lazuli, rather than weak for not being able to keep her siblings alive.
What was your postpartum experience?
I had some complications after giving birth and that really threw off the start of my recent journey postpartum. I felt a loss of control and that made adjusting a little more difficult than I think things would have been had everything gone smoothly.
My last postpartum experience was completely different than now. Last time this year I was “newly bereaved” with my son having just died, and that really tainted my postpartum experience. Everything that is normal postpartum - bleeding, your milk coming in, having a squishy belly - was all extremely triggering, so I hated that initial time postpartum after my son. Now with my daughter, I’m trying to embrace postpartum. The 4th trimester has been difficult at times but I try my best to give myself grace.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
If I could pass on one piece of knowledge to my former self or a new parent it would be to “be gentle with yourself” and also “you got this”.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I participated in this movement a year ago and it was HUGE for me in terms of helping me heal after the loss of my son Onyx. Reading other stories and seeing other photos - ones similar to mine and even those that are completely different - has really me learn to live and love a body that I previously felt a disconnect from.
I share my story because sharing is what keeps my son’s memory alive and I’ve learned that it can also support others in their own journeys.