Esther Gyory (36 - she/her), Nathan (3.5), and Abigail (4 mo)
Arlington, Virginia | Washington, DC
“I had to do IVF to conceive both my children (one fresh cycle, one frozen embryo transfer), due to unexplained infertility. It was difficult emotionally and physically. My husband did all of my injections for me. It was absolutely worth it, but I also feel like we were so lucky - we had insurance and I became pregnant both times on the first try. I wouldn't do anything differently, but I also wonder how my experience would have been different if we'd conceived without technology. I have anxiety and both times, pregnancy felt like one long worry, which was definitely exacerbated by all the medical interventions and appointments and constant data overload. I'm so grateful for science for giving me my children.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
It's been a struggle. I've been overweight most of my life. Before kids, I lost a lot of weight (probably an unhealthy amount), and I was obsessive about what I ate and exercise. In many ways, I'm happier - I don't obsess the way I did and I've definitely reprioritized my life - not only was pregnancy and childbirth worth it, but it's made me think about what I lost when I spent more time worrying about my weight than enjoying life. But, it's still been very, very hard. I am in a much better place, but I have not completely made peace with my body and I'm not sure I ever will. I sometimes feel guilty for not being comfortable with my body yet, because there is a lot out there about body positivity, especially after having a baby - sometimes I hear people saying (about themselves): "I love my stretch marks because they are a sign that my body created life," and I wonder why I can't feel that way about myself.
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum journey was very different between my first and second. My son was born in the winter, which was challenging. I have seasonal affective disorder and anxiety, so I didn't go out much because of the cold and fear of germs. I felt very isolated. I also had postpartum anxiety that was untreated for a long time. Most of what I remember about those first weeks and months was just feeling bad. I don't even really remember much about my son. It's been totally different with my daughter. I started anti-anxiety medication while I was still pregnant, which was probably the biggest difference, but also she was born in the spring, so I was able to get out in the sunshine. I had close friends nearby who also had babies around the same time. It was amazing. It felt like the kind of maternity leave experience that everyone dreams of. I realize that there are many factors that contributed to the different experiences, but I am sad that I only have bad memories of my first postpartum period. It makes me feel like I lost out on having this positive experience with my first child.
What is your truth?
My truth is that it's really, really hard, and really, really awesome, but not always both at the same time. Sleep deprivation was harder than I could have imagined. Parenting a 3-year-old is SO much harder than I could have imagined. I never knew I could love anything as much as I love my kids; I would literally die for them, but I didn't realize that that doesn't mean that I always like them. Sometimes they make me frustrated or angry, and I can feel that without it meaning I don't love them enough.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Two reasons: I did this for me, because I am still trying to learn to love my postpartum body. I feel pressure from one side to lose all the weight, but I also feel pressure from another side to just love myself unconditionally - that's not wrong, but I'm not there yet, and sometimes I feel guilty about not being there. So this is one important step in looking at my body that birthed two babies and telling myself that I'm beautiful. I also did this for others: when I was going through infertility the first time we tried to get pregnant, I thought I didn't know anyone else who'd been through it. So I decided to talk about my experience with infertility and IVF to everyone - I had a very positive outcome and I know that I've been fortunate, but to the extent that I can provide support and help someone else feel comfortable talking about infertility, who would otherwise feel alone, I want to be that person.