Rachel Utain-Evans (36 - she/her), Aliza (7), Tobin (5), and Oliver (2)
Philadelphia, PA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Instead of seeing the flaws that I wish I could change, now I focus on the strength I've found in my body, and how grateful I am for it. It made 3 new people, carried them, birthed them, sustained them. And then carried them some more! The extra skin and stretch marks are just dressing; what's underneath is what I care about now. Sometimes I still see the "flaws", but I try to see my body through my children's eyes now. They don't know yet that we're "supposed" to care about the size of our breasts, the shape of our tummies, the firmness of our thighs. So when I start to see flaws, I remind myself of how strong I am until the rest fades away.
What was your postpartum experience?
During my first labor I was told I was preeclamptic and quickly lost all autonomy. By the end I was so angry and sad at how it had happened and how I'd been treated. But whenever I'd try to articulate it, folks would say "oh but you had a healthy baby" like that should be enough. I felt like I was being ungrateful for my healthy baby because I was mad about her birth. It wasn't until working through that anxiety during my second pregnancy that I finally was able to separate my love for my daughter from my feelings about her birth.
After my second baby was born, I was so focused on hitting the ground running like I hadn't just given birth, and didn't think about how it was affecting my body. I lived with diastasis recti for over a year until realizing it was the cause of my balance problems and incontinence, and finally found a physical therapist to help me heal. When my son weaned around 18 months I was hit with postpartum anxiety that I shrugged off as exhaustion, until I narrowly missed being in a car accident and my first thought was "well at least then I'd get some rest". That's when I not only discovered how great therapy can be, but that many of my friends had a therapist too and had just never talked about it.
By my third birth, I was determined to take everything I had learned and do it all right. I rested in bed for 2 weeks, and let others feed me and take care of my kids. I quickly went back to my physical therapist to start healing my pelvic floor and reopened diastasis recti, and to my therapist to process everything that was happening. It still wasn't perfect, but I finally felt completely in touch with my body and empowered to steer my recovery in the way that felt right for me.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
This is my body, I know it better than anyone, and I'm in charge of it. And anyone who uses fear to sway you isn't on your side.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Seeing other people's bodies and hearing their stories helped me feel less alone. And learning about all the different versions of normal helped me understand what is possible, and what I could hope for for myself. I want that for everyone, and I'm so excited to add my voice!