Abbie Patterson (31 - she/her) and Ava (2.5)
Minneapolis, MN
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. My husband and I became pregnant two months into actively trying. The feeling was overwhelming joy. After physician confirmation (at 5 weeks) I, almost immediately, started having moderate to significant back pain. The pain grew more intense over the next few days and then, at just over 6 weeks, I started excessively bleeding. We went to the hospital to be met with what was nothing short of one of the most traumatic medical experiences of my life. I was bleeding and it was continuous. I had to have an ultrasound and the tech was annoyed with me because I didn't have a full bladder. She was frustrated and said, "because you didn't come prepared now we have to do a transvaginal". I cried through the whole thing. She was rough and apathetic. She, at one point, told me that my body shaking from crying was "interfering" with the exam.
We were told by a rounding doctor that there was no presence of heart beat and that we were being sent home for me to follow up with my primary as soon as possible. I went home and broke down. What followed was four months of going down every rabbit hole imaginable thinking that I did something to cause this loss; that I was to blame. I blamed the loss on my choice of prenatal vitamin, the caffeine I was consuming, poorly managed stress, being overweight, literally anything that I could think of equated to me not being well prepared and not producing the best 'environment' to nurture and grow a baby. My 'early loss' was also confusing and frustrating for me because many people told me things such as "oh, well you were barely even pregnant" or "at least you know you can get pregnant". I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel the way I was feeling because I didn't lose my pregnancy at a later stage, like somehow my loss was less significant because it was early and I had only known I was pregnant for a week.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I was morbidly obese prior to pregnancy, throughout pregnancy and following birth for almost the first year. I've always struggled with body image. After birth I hated my body even more. I had this incision from my cesarean, my breasts were not producing milk, I had no energy or endurance and I had all of this excessive weight, overwhelming me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I felt overshadowed and invisible by my daughter's presence but I almost welcomed that feeling of invisibility because I hated who I was. I made significant health changes shortly before my daughter had her first birthday and I started prioritizing myself and my needs, first.
Now I've found nutrition, mental and emotional health, and various forms of physical activity to be important to me. I have lost a considerable amount of weight leaving me with excessively loose skin but I look at my body, now, and see power and strength and resilience. This body created and sustained life, it's gone through trauma and massive amounts of healing. It is strong and powerful and I'm so proud of my body now. I see my daughter mirroring me, in many ways, and she is my forever reminder to exercise body positivity so that she knows how strong and capable her body is, and will be.
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum journey was complete hell. It was so different from what I imagined it would be and what I wanted it to be. I had prepared for an unmedicated, vaginal, birth. That plan quickly diminished when my water broke at 37 weeks. Doctors and nurses were telling me there was no way I could deliver vaginally and, if I did, I would have to sign paperwork going against medical advice. A cesarean was what I was made to believe was the safest option for my daughter and me and that is what occurred. Postpartum recovery was difficult with physical restrictions post cesarean.
My milk supply was abysmal. I would spend countless hours pumping to try to stimulate production and would only produce, maybe, 8 ounces a day. Latching was hard. We tried everything; lactation consultants, speech therapy, visiting the ENT, hospital grade pumps, various feeding methods that my husband could even help with, nothing worked. People close to me made me feel like formula was awful and not healthy for my baby. I was emotional and stressed and that lead to having a panic attack requiring a hospital visit. I decided to stop pumping due to the stress it induced and my husband and I chose to utilize donation breast milk from my sister-in-law and a mutual friend. That also invited in more unsolicited opinions from family and friends, opinions that I put way too much value in in the moment. I felt like I was constantly searching for my "village" that I heard everyone talking about but I was only finding myself feeling isolated, anxious, and sad.
What is your truth?
I think I'm still working on finding my truth but I also think I've come such a long way from where I was pre-pregnancy and even newly postpartum. Advice I would give my former self would be to hold and protect yourself, first. Love and nurture yourself and meet your needs and make "you" a priority. I think that I am a better mother, partner, and woman for realizing that and working hard to give myself the love and grace that I deserve. For new parents I would encourage them to not fall to the societal pressures placed on caring for children and to keep things simple. Don't over complicate or over think situations. A well fed, well loved, well protected babe will thrive and that is all that matters.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
This movement really helped me realize that I wasn't alone. I see individuals participate in this movement who have shared similar feelings as I have felt, experienced similar situations that I've also found myself in, and they are powerful humans living meaningful and beautiful lives. I felt, and continue to feel, a sense of community in this movement; my virtual "village". I wanted to participate for many reasons. I wanted to do this to celebrate the person I've grown to become, to celebrate my daughter and our bond, to be apart of this community and the camaraderie between participants.