Lindsay

Lindsay (39 -she/her), S (4), and M (8 mo)

Ontario, Canada

How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I never had a good body image. I've done some self-destructive things to myself out of self-loathing. Not just because of the shape of my body, but I have chronic conditions that mean my body just doesn't work the way I want it to, often at very inconvenient times. I had major flare-ups of my disease postpartum both times. But my children love my body, and my body allows me to experience this life that I love. Parenthood is teaching me to care for my body, to respect it and its needs, to give it balance so I can be there for my kids. I am learning to be at peace with my body and not to hold it to someone else's standards.

What was your postpartum experience?

My pregnancies and deliveries couldn't have been more different. With my first child, we lived in a small, isolated town. I had infertility issues. My concerns were swept aside as unimportant by my 'care' team, until 38 weeks, when I had to be induced due to preeclampsia. A painful failed induction, insensitive treatment from staff, a traumatic C-section, my son suddenly whisked off to the NICU, five days in hospital with no support - I felt broken when I finally got home. I spent most of the first year floundering internally while working hard to make my motherhood look perfect.

My second pregnancy was a surprise and a gift. We had moved to a new city. I had been very ill and felt like my body might not allow me to carry a child again, but I conceived within a month of recovering. My pregnancy was mostly healthy, but when I started to show signs of preeclampsia, we scheduled a C-section, again at 38 weeks. This time, my team made every effort to make me feel respected and included in the delivery. It was peaceful and comfortable, and I felt so healed. My daughter was tiny but healthy. I came home feeling confident and ready for the challenge of a new baby.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Becoming a parent is a gateway to a completely new world. I wish someone had told me how transformative it is. My son was almost two when I first heard the word "matrescence", and I began to understand what was happening to me. Adolescence is a gateway from childhood to adulthood, and we accept how grueling a change it can be, but I had never heard about the depth of the challenges I would face in becoming the mother I am today. I wish we had the words and rituals as a modern society to share what this transformation means with people when they're still pregnant so they wouldn't be so unprepared for their transformation.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

Both my pregnancy and postpartum experiences have been in isolation. With my first child, we lived so far away from our friends and families, and we didn't have a support network in our new town. It was just me and my husband, apart from infrequent visits. We moved to a city closer to our hometowns, and I was so excited to discover I was pregnant again. I was going to do all the things I missed the first time. We were going to announce the pregnancy in March 2020, but the world shut down literally three days before. We had to tell people over phone and video calls. Almost no one saw me while I was pregnant. We were lucky to deliver in the summer, while our town was at the safest it had been, but we came home and within days it was just us. I feel so fortunate to have a long maternity leave, but it's been very lonely. One of my oldest and dearest friends lives in the next town, and her children are almost identical in age to mine. We have seen each other maybe three times in a year, always outside, always two metres apart. We have never held each other's babies. This is my last baby, so when this pandemic relents I will grieve all the experiences I haven't had. I'm a different person now, and I wonder if my friends and family will understand it.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I will turn forty later this year, and my promise to myself in my new decade is to celebrate who I am and what I am doing right now, in this moment, even when it's messy and imperfect and scary, and not to wait until I get it 'right' before I allow myself to be proud of who I have become.

Elizabeth Ehrke

Elizabeth Ehrke (33 - she/her), Maeve (4), Ellis (21 months)

Franklin, WI

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

It is hard to describe in words exactly how pregnancy, birth and motherhood have impacted my body image. I feel both empowered and powerless. I feel more comfortable in my skin, and sometimes I want to crawl out of it. Throughout the past 5 years of a continuous rotation of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding there has been a substantial shift in my acceptance and love for my body as it is in the present moment. I have always had a larger body and it was made clear to me over and over again at a young age that this was something to be ashamed of. I learned to appreciate my body through building physical strength and excelling in athletics. A lot of my self worth was tied up in being an athlete for most of my life. The transition from athletic achievement to the exhausting and often thankless work of caring for a tiny human was difficult. It took time to prioritize my physical needs. After my first was born, I felt like my body failed both her and me. I know that my body is not to blame for what happened, but occasionally it felt that way. The near constant fear for my baby’s life during the end of my first pregnancy and the early days in the NICU helped me see my true priorities in life. I am now substantially more comfortable with my body in its natural state. Most of the time, I do not feel a need to conform to expectations of how I should look. This shift has been freeing.

As a young toddler, Maeve helped me see that squishy soft bellies are so lovely to hug and snuggle. There is nothing quite like a young child looking at your soft belly as if it is the love of their life. It helped me see the wonderful magic in my body. I have been able to see the added pounds and softness as just part of my body and not something to hate or wish away. The love both my kids lavish upon me and my body has been so healing. Seeing my body through their eyes has helped me love on myself as well. My desire to demonstrate a healthy body image to my kids helps me talk about my body in positive or neutral terms, which helps me truly believe these words. I’m glad to say that my body image continues to adjust as I work to unlearn and let go of the concept of an ideal body. I’m trying to remember to care for, accept and enjoy the body I have in this moment.

What was your postpartum experience?
Both of my postpartum experiences were heavily influenced by my baby’s births. During my first pregnancy, my membranes ruptured at 28 weeks. Then I spent nearly 3 weeks in the hospital trying to stay pregnant without contracting a dangerous infection. I spontaneously went into labor, which very quickly resulted in a placental abruption and crash cesarean under general anesthesia. It was another extremely long 7 hours before I would meet my baby for the first time. Maeve spent the next 5 weeks in the NICU. This whole experience was so traumatic that I was in survival mode. I could often only think about the current day, because thinking ahead to the next day was too difficult. While Maeve was in the NICU, I would wake up every 3 hours throughout the night to pump breast milk. The loneliness and sorrow of waking up without my baby, night after night, was so difficult.

I did not find the hospital personnel very supportive as a whole. I learned relatively quickly that I needed to advocate for what we both needed. For both my own hospital stay and the NICU stay, it felt like I did not matter as a person, and the doctors could make whatever decision they wanted without even talking to me about it. A doctor even told my husband not to show me a picture of my baby while I was waiting to meet them for the first time. I was not informed of a few things that were done to my body while I was unconscious. I learned about them more than a year later when reading my hospital notes as part of the healing process. I lost nearly all control over my body and my baby’s healthcare and that felt incredibly violating.

I worked so incredibly hard to figure out breastfeeding. We worked through a period of exclusive pumping, non-nutritive nursing, a poor latch, muscle weakness, nipple shields, a severe lip-tie, oversupply, reflux, dairy intolerance, and bottle-feeding struggles. A thoughtful home healthcare nurse realized a couple of days after we got home that we needed more support after the NICU failed to identify many of these issues. An amazing team of a nurse, an occupational therapist, and a physical therapist helped Maeve to thrive through the first 4 months of life. It was a triumphant accomplishment to breastfeed Maeve until she was 2 after thinking numerous times we would not be able to make it work.

I went back to work full time as an engineer about a week after Maeve’s original due date because I exhausted my paid leave. I was in no way ready to return to work and was in a fog for some time. I worked with nearly all men, so they mainly left me alone and either didn’t notice or didn’t say anything. It probably took an entire year to fully come out of survival mode and then the reality of the trauma hit. I hadn’t realized I was struggling with my experiences. I just thought it was reasonable to think about the events over and over and to cry, sob, or become anxious at any mention or reminder of pregnancy, birth, newborns, or hospitals. After the difficulty of the one-year anniversary, I went to get help. I was quickly diagnosed with PTSD. I spent about a year working on healing and processing these experiences through therapy, group meetings, and journaling. I wanted a second baby, so I knew I needed to heal and process before I would be ready to get pregnant again.

My second birth started at an out-of-hospital birth center and after 5 hours of hard pushing, it eventually ended with a drive to the hospital and another cesarean. Due to the many hours of pushing, my uterus tore while they were lifting my baby out. This resulted in shooting pains every time my bladder filled for several days after delivery and dull pain for much longer. The physical recovery after the second cesarean was much harder. Several months of frequent twinges of pain were an unwelcome reminder of a birth I did not want. However, this time I was in control and maintained autonomy throughout the birthing and postpartum period. That was so helpful for my mental health. I delighted in the pure joy of all the newborn and young infant experiences that I had missed the first time around.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

The transition into parenthood can easily demand all of your time, energy, and mental capacity, but you don’t have to loose yourself in order to be a good parent. It is frequently necessary to prioritize your own needs, so you can be the parent and person that you want to be.

There is no shame in struggling with your mental health, which is common during the postpartum period. Mental health struggles are very prevalent in parents with babies that have spent time in the NICU or PICU. Strength can look like asking for help. Strength can look like leaning into all those difficult emotions and truly experiencing them. Mental fortitude can look like sobbing while you type out your story on your laptop.

My trauma was not necessary for my growth. Neither you nor I need to find a purpose for this trauma. Neither you nor I can do things perfect enough, be healthy enough or work hard enough to be exempt from a possible bad outcome in our lives. There is no way for you to completely insulate yourself from misfortune. It is not your fault.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

It is hard to sum up this question with a neat answer, but in short, it has affected everything. My partner and I have been extremely fortunate to be able to continue working as full-time engineers during the pandemic. This also meant that both of us were working from home with a baby and preschooler for a long period of time after the initial lockdown, as well as numerous quarantine/isolation periods after returning to in-person work. Juggling everything has been very stressful and exhausting. Trying to effectively perform my obligations for work while still providing adequate care to very young children is extremely challenging. One positive has been that I got to spend more time with my kids than I ever thought would be possible. I strive to enjoy the extra time with my kids despite the exhaustion and existential dread. I have been grateful for their joy in such hard times.

Eventually, our kids had to be in childcare to be able to perform our jobs, so we returned to our daycare center after lockdown ended. This was an incredibly hard decision. Rather predictably, one or both of the kids would come down with a virus symptom every few weeks, so we would isolate. My youngest was exposed to COVID-19 twice in her daycare class. I don’t remember how many times we have been through this quarantine/isolation/testing and back to daycare cycle, but it has been far too many times. This cycle has been mentally exhausting and difficult for all of us to handle. The added worry and stress of possibly spreading this virus has made every sniffle anxiety-producing. The pandemic coupled with our ever-changing isolation status has made even the smallest attempts at virtual or physically distanced human connection outside our household difficult or unsafe. It has been incredibly isolating.

Although a small disappointment, it was hard to celebrate Ellis’s first birthday over Zoom. My friends and family have missed a lot of these precious early years. I also miss the support of my friends and being able to watch their kids grow and develop.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wish I had the stories, activism, and positive body representation before I became a parent. I found this project, and I instantly resonated with it. I was self-conscious about my body for my entire childhood, and I was teased for my larger size on numerous occasions. It is clear that the lack of positive or at least neutral representation of all kinds of bodies is at least partly to blame for that experience. I want a different experience for my kids and for everyone else. It is an incredible accomplishment to reach the point that I am comfortable with participating in a project like this.

I am also participating to tell my story. I struggled for a long time with my mental health, and I wish I had known what to look for and how common struggles like mine were. I wish birthing parents were not so conditioned to blame themselves for unwanted birth outcomes. I have talked to numerous birthing parents in online support groups, and an overwhelming number of people blame themselves for their birth outcomes and mental health struggles. I want everyone to know and believe the fact that struggling with your mental health is not a personal failing of any kind.

Rachelle Barck

Rachelle Barck (32 - she/her) and Norah (8) and Nels (6)

Cincinnati, OH {Virtual session captured via CLOS}

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

My whole life I've been the girl that could eat whatever she wanted to eat and not gain weight. People, mainly adult women, had no problem accusing me of having an eating disorder or telling me that one day it will catch up to me when I went to college or had kids or hit 30, etc. It made me feel like there was this unavoidable dark cloud up ahead and I had better enjoy my body while I could. It made me feel like my body after college or kids or 30 wouldn't be worth celebrating. I couldn't disagree more and I can't imagine saying those words to a young person. I'm glad I realized this when I was pregnant with my oldest. I read something while I was pregnant with Norah that said mothers should not criticize their bodies in front of their children, especially their daughters. In my kids' eyes, I'm the best mom and if I don't like myself, then why should they like themselves? It was really a turning point for me. I didn't want my kids to ever have a negative self image. I gained 60 pounds during my first pregnancy and just assumed I wouldn't lose most of it and I accepted it, bought a bunch of new clothes after Norah was born, and made a rule in my house that no one could talk badly about their bodies in front of my kids. I still enforce this rule, and I'm the most strict with myself. I want my kids to know that I love my body because it's strong and capable and really good at cuddling. I think parenthood has made me love my body even more than I thought was possible.

What was your postpartum experience?

My doctor joked that I was basically allergic to being pregnant. I didn't have all of the pregnancy symptoms, but almost. While I was miserable for the majority of the pregnancies, my babies must have been very comfortable because they did not want to be born! Gestational Hypertension meant that I had to be induced with Norah. After a 2 day induction and about 12 hours of labor, contractions became weaker and they couldn't safely give me any more Pitocin. My water had broken and I was told that I could have a C-section now, while the baby and I were doing well, or wait until the next morning and risk it being an emergency C-section. I was exhausted and hungry and I consented to the C-section. They wanted to wheel me into the OR but I refused and walked myself in there and hopped up on the table. I felt like a failure for needing a C-section. My body was supposed to be able to birth my perfectly healthy baby. I craved a natural birth and I failed.

Norah was born healthy, but for reasons I didn't understand, they restrained my wrists out at my sides and they wrapped her up and had her dad take her away to the nursery after she was laid on me for a few minutes. I was stitched up and sent to post-op where I was left alone for about an hour. I just wanted to be with my baby. When they finally brought me up to my room, my baby wasn't there. A nurse came in to check on me and I had to say that all I wanted was to hold my baby. They had given Norah a bath in the nursery and I never got to do skin to skin with her beforehand.

My milk came in quickly but I was so swollen that I had nothing for Norah to latch onto. I worked with a lactation consultant, but they just said that I probably couldn't nurse, but that I could pump. Again, I felt like a failure. I persevered and pumped for almost 10 months. By that point I was only getting about 8 oz of milk a day and the reason I stopped was because I had to have an emergency surgery to remove a large ovarian cyst that was twisting. I hated pumping and I didn't want to have to take care of a baby and recover from a surgery and still have to pump. I was proud of myself for pumping for that long.

When I became pregnant with Nels, I wanted to go about it differently. I wanted to do everything I could to have a VBAC, I still craved a natural birth and hadn't gotten over my previous C-section. At 8 weeks I met with a midwife who couldn't find a heartbeat and sent me in for an ultrasound and then referred me to a doctor. I was told that my right ovary was very large, hiding the fetus, and that it would have to be monitored and that I had to see a doctor going forward, not a midwife. 3 weeks later I was getting ready for work and I started having severe pain. I knew the ovary was twisting, it felt like the cyst from the year before, only worse. I was admitted to the ER and left alone in a room on a table and by time someone came in to examine me I was paralyzed with pain and shouting down the hall for drugs. They had to verify the problem and I never wanted an internal ultrasound less than in that moment. I needed surgery to remove the ovary that was now about 7 inches in diameter. They told me they'd have to cut vertically because I was pregnant, and that since I was in my first trimester, that I might lose my pregnancy. During pre-op, I suddenly started hemorrhaging, I felt a gush of warm blood between my legs. I was terrified but I had to go into surgery. I woke up still in so much pain, and not knowing if I was still pregnant. Ultrasounds in the days that followed showed that I was still pregnant but that my placenta had started to detach. I was told that I was now high risk and could go into pre-term lablor and that I would only be able to have very limited physical activity for the remainder of the pregnancy. I was sent home to recover and hope that my body held on to the pregnancy. The recovery was rough, all movement was excruciating. My body managed to hang onto Nels and all the pregnancy symptoms I experienced with Norah showed up again, only worse. With Nels my gestational hypertension turned into preeclampsia at 35 weeks and they attempted to induce me a week later, but it didn't work. They said they could break my water to see if that pushed me into labor, but I knew it wouldn't. I decided to go ahead with another unplanned C-section. This time I had a list of demands; I didn't want my arms strapped down and I wanted to do skin to skin right away and they were not to give my baby a bath. Nels was born healthy but there was a clicking noise when he breathed so he was sent to the nursery with his dad to be examined and monitored (after a little skin to skin time with me). I went to post-op with my doula and I will be eternally grateful that she was there with me to keep me company and get a nurse or anything else I needed. I got to my room and Nels was brought to me and I conquered nursing this time and only had to pump for him while I was at work until he was weaned!

Again I failed at the natural birth that I wanted, but Nels' birth really helped me get over the trauma of Norah's birth and allowed me to forgive myself for not being capable of giving birth in a way that I was not destined to do.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Love yourself and your body everyday and at every stage of your life and give yourself some grace. Also definitely get a doula if you can.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

I wouldn't have believed I could ever simultaneously be a stay at home parent and have a career and homeschool my elementary school aged children, yet here I am. The pandemic has been a trying time for us all. I'm very fortunate to have maintained my career while primarily working from home during this time and I'm even more fortunate for my kids' amazing teachers that somehow make distance learning work. All the extra time together has really strengthened our bods as a family, so through all this, I am still so grateful.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I've been following ash and 4th Trimester Bodies Project on social media for years, but I didn't have the courage to participate until a friend did it before covid and another friend encouraged me to do it as well. I hope that my story can encourage other birthing parents to persevere and give themselves some grace and forgiveness along the way.

Marie Pepin

Marie Pepin (53 - she/her) and Grace and Emmanuel (twins - 9)

CT (Virtual session captured via CLOS)

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has definitely affected my body image. I work hard to accept my body: it's rolls, sagging, extra weight, and fatigue. I was very fit before my pregnancy. I also was 44 when I gave birth, and changes had already started. To date, I feel I am not acceptable unless I lose weight. It is very difficult to write this. One of my hopes is that by becoming a part of this project and being photographed, I will begin a healing process.

What was your postpartum experience?

At 41, I started what would become 2 years of fertility treatments. The day I found out I was pregnant, my hard edges softened, cushioning the blow of the hysterscopy, every painful exam, and every jab of a hormone shot I received, as well as inflicted, upon myself. I had an uneventful and smooth pregnancy. At 35 weeks and 3 days, I went into the hospital, having severe preeclampsia. I had C section delivery, as my cervix was not dilated, feeling a sense of failure that I would not have a vaginal birth. Emmanuel was born first, then Grace. As I lay there, holding Emmanuel doing skin to skin, I thought “this was what I imagined this moment would be”.

I also began to bleed, profusely. I went in and out of consciousness, almost bleeding to death in front of my husband. I had four-hour emergency surgery to remove my uterus, spending six days in SICU, where I finally stabilized. I did not see or hold Grace for 6 days. The first time I saw my daughter, I touched her right cheek as I whispered, sobbing, ‘She's so soft’. We all finally went home after 9 days in the hospital. We came home and I was in awe of my babies: their beauty, their sweetness, their delicate little bodies. Experiencing my love for them (and seeing how they looked at me with the same awe), within the cocoon of our little house, was the only place I wanted to be.

After a few months, I developed postpartum depression, terrified to go near my tender little babies. In my mind, I saw them fly out of my arms and hit the wall in front of me. My stomach leaped in fear when they cried, or when they laughed. I was somehow able to enjoy them when my husband was near, but the monster of PPD would creep back in when I was alone with them. The most surprising things made it worse: the song to an innocent children’s show, their three months old outfits with the sea crabs on them. I struggled, trying to make some sense, with herculean attempts to prove to myself I was not to blame. Eventually, I entered a pattern where I would have moments of PPD, followed by more peaceful moments of enjoyment, love, and connection with my children. I looked back recently at the many videos and photos I/my husband had taken, I saw evidence that I gave intense love and care to my children, despite how I felt inside. This fact gives me some peace.

It took several years before I was able to fully embrace my role as 'Mother'. I work still on processing my experiences along with a wonderful therapist. With the treadmill at times that is motherhood, I do not always have the time to truly marinate in and express these feelings and memories in a way that is helpful to my heart and spirit. As an artist, this is difficult, for I think the artist’s mind hungers to dissect, wonder, and contemplate, to fulfill an expression of each and every angle. But, as my children grow, I find more time and headspace to pull this collection of memories toward me. I hope, or should I say look forward, to find the fullest expression, as well as purpose, for all that has happened.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

That in every moment, there are opportunities to drink in love. That in every moment, you are doing the best that you can.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

It had been painful to watch my kids remote learn. Also, in spending inordinate amounts of time with my kids, I have learned so much more about them. I feel closer than I ever have to them. And for this I am grateful.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wanted to connect to a larger whole. I wanted my story to be heard. And, I wanted to help other women who may have had a similar experience.

Ashley Marie

Ashley Marie (30 - she/her). Mother to Solana (6), Mercy (2), and Anastasia (1)

Chicago, IL

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I don’t really know. Am I happy with my body? Meh Am I proud of what my body has done? YES, but there will always be a part of me that misses that fit pre baby body

What was your postpartum experience?

Rough, I experienced PPD or PPA after every pregnancy. Intrusive thoughts, mood swings, you know all the stuff they try to pass off as “baby blues”, but sure the heck is not. It’s common though and needs to be talked about more. I speak up now, because I want people to know it’s ok to have these thoughts and it’s important to seek help, if needed. There’s absolutely no shame in it. We legit can’t help it.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

One day you are going to want all the babies and it’s exhausting, but totally worth it. To new parents...I’d say follow your intuition and relax, everything doesn’t need to be perfect and the opinions or advice of others is usually crap. Find what works for you not them.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

After my first babe I was struggling and needed to feel like a person again. I forgot about myself and I needed to remember that I was still more than just a parent. I needed to not only accept my new body, but find the power in it. I loved the mission behind the 4th Trimester Bodies Project. This photo was taken after my second child was born. I now have one more.

My second child was also my second cesarean (my FAILED VBAC). I was so upset and anxious after being told you need to have another cesarean and that feeling stayed with me for a long time. I actually had an anxiety attack on the operating table. I had given up control over my body again, when I knew I could do it. I walked into the hospital at 9cm and interventions were immediately pushed on me. I had never met the midwife before and she walked in, took one look at me asked me my height and weight, walked away and said I couldn’t give birth naturally. I denied the interventions repeatedly and then was told well if you do this you’ll have baby in 15 minutes. That didn’t happen and after around 10 more hours of labor, I was told I had to go in for another cesarean my “trial of labor after cesarean” was over. I was devastated and it led me back to my 4th Tri group.

I now have one more child and it was supposed to be my healing birth. I successfully delivered at home, but it was a precipitous birth with a little hiccup. I love being able to say, I proved those people wrong and did what I knew I my body could do. I still have fears for the next birth (if there is one) and am worried about the likelihood of another precipitous birth.

Maggie Roth

Maggie Roth (34 - she/her) and Bodhi (16 mo)

Boston, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I spent 33 years getting to know and love my body. Some days were easier than others, but for the most part I felt strong and sexy in my body. Birth blew that all up. It felt like my body let me down. It couldn’t birth the baby and then couldn’t feed the baby. I couldn’t walk down the block for months. My hair was falling out. I hated my body and was so angry. Why was this happening to me? Why did my husband get to escape the raw physicality of pregnancy and childbirth? I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. It’s gotten better with time. I’m not quite at “strong and sexy,” but I can do a backbend in yoga class. I can carry my baby. I have no residual pain, internally or externally, at my scar. I can look in the mirror and feel grateful that my body healed. It’s only been 16 months, but I’m slowly getting to know this new body, too.

What was your postpartum experience?

After a normal pregnancy and early labor, Bodhi got stuck in the birth canal after two hours of pushing. Two attempts at a vacuum delivery were unsuccessful, so he was delivered via emergency cesarean while I was basically passed out from exhaustion. In the recovery room he started having "dusky events," which were being caused by seizures. After many tests, it was determined that he had a perinatal stroke, some time during the delivery.

We went home while Bodhi stayed in the NICU. A week later, I was readmitted to the hospital because of chills and high fevers -- it turned out I had a life-threatening blood infection and had to have an emergency stomach surgery. Bodhi and I were in different wings of the hospital so we didn't see each other for almost three weeks. While I was recovering, I was also pumping and my husband and family were shuttling breast milk back and forth between us. We were released on the same day, and though I was incredibly happy to be with my baby, I was in so, so much pain. I came home with a wound vac on my cesarean scar and two drains coming out of my belly and butt. I was not sent home with any pain medication and was told to take Tylenol. I could barely breathe, let alone nurse and bond with my baby. He would be handed to me to eat, and then quickly taken away to be burped, changed, napped, played with, etc. -- all things I was still too weak to do on my own.

I had to focus on managing my own pain before even thinking about his needs. After a month or so, I thought the worst was over, but then he started screaming at my breast during our nursing sessions. He wasn't gaining weight. At 7 weeks old, we discovered he was aspirating the breast milk into his lungs, so I had to stop breastfeeding and start giving him thickened bottles. We thought we fixed it and could move on. A month later, he continued to scream at the bottle and lose weight. The doctors had no idea. A milk allergy? Reflux? I knew it wasn’t right. We finally went to a feeding specialist who said we were on the verge of a full on bottle aversion and needed to act fast or he would just start refusing the bottle entirely. We narrowly escaped that.

It was 6 months of anxiety and fear every time I gave him a bottle. Would he eat it? Would he cry? Is he getting enough? He wasn’t on the growth chart and the next step was a feeding tube. After all the early trauma, I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle another hospitalization. But just in time, our sweet boy discovered solid food. We fed him the fattiest foods we could think of – a lot of goat cheese, avocado, and ice cream. He’s a happy eater now, and every day I am so thankful that he has no lasting fear of food. All the focus on his weight, however, caused us to stop thinking as much about his birth injury. But because of the stroke, Bodhi has hemiplegic cerebral palsy on the left side of his body. It’s mostly affected his left hand and arm. Starting at 9 months, we started more intensive therapy for “leftie.” We just finished our first round of CIMT (constraint-induced movement therapy), in which his good arm was put in a cast for three weeks to help “wake up” his left side. We’ve seen a ton of progress and we’ll continue CIMT every few months for the next few years. We're told to believe in the incredible plasticity of the brain. In spite of all he’s been through, Bodhi is the happiest child. He’s curious, silly, and determined to do all the things he wants to do. I am in awe of him.

So, my postpartum experience has been nonstop. I feel like I have just come up for air in the last few months. I survived all of this in no small part because of a husband who is not just “supportive,” but committed to an equal partnership, in both the emotional and physical work of raising a human. I also survived because of my therapist who immediately told me “you have PTSD” and normalized everything I was feeling.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

You are stronger than you know. Trust yourself. A support network is everything.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I was so sick of the postpartum narratives being fed to me by the media. “Fit into your old jeans in six weeks!” “Messy hair, don't care!” I didn't recognize myself in any of them. When I discovered this movement, I felt such relief. I devoured the stories, reading about people with all sorts of bodies and experiences. I felt seen. I want other people who have been through a similar traumatic beginning to parenthood to read my story and feel a little less alone.

Megan Davenport

Megan Davenport (35 - she/her), James (5), Emily (4), and William (3)

Houston, TX

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Aging and having three kids back to back has really taken a toll on my body, body image, and how I perceive myself. I am probably asked often if I am expecting a child. This is challenging and I am learning to love and embrace the new me every day. I am working on a diet and bettering myself, but I am embracing the me that is now and loving each and every curve.

What was your postpartum experience?

The pregnancies were challenging and hard work. All three pregnancies I had gestational diabetes. I worked hard to make sure each child did not grow too big. All three kids I was put on a strict diet and I had to walk for thirty minutes after every meal. I gave myself insulin injections for both James and William. This scared me and I really pushed through a mental block to do this. I had cesarean births for all three children. Emily has a unique story. I had a check-up close to my scheduled cesarean appointment. Two of my doctors noticed that my hemoglobin was dropping to a dangerous level and they had me admitted for observation right away. I didn't have anything or anyone with me at that moment but the support of nurses and doctors that day. Chris was able to get off of work early and he was able to join me in the early evening. The next morning I gave birth with Chris by my side and family in the waiting area.

The first postpartum experience was rough at first. I didn't realize how much sleep new parents really miss. Those first few months were the toughest with the sleep deprivation and constant breastfeeding. I would say I had the hardest time was when William was born. James and Emily were just two and one. I am thankful every day for the constant support of Chris and my parents for showing up and helping with the kids. Chris is my rock and I can't thank him enough for how much he helped me. We had added stress when William was 11 months and our house flooded from Hurricane Harvey. We were juggling a 3-year-old, 2-year-old, and infant on our second floor for five days with our cats and navigating how to survive. A truly stressful experience and thankful for everyone that just showed up and helped us rebuild. It helped throughout this time that I did and still do pray and meditate every night. This helps with living in the present and being 100% there for my kids.

What is your truth?

My truth is that I am a plus size mama with three amazing children and a loving husband. I want to show that our bodies are amazing and to love your body! We just brought life in to this world and to give yourself a break. Embrace each and every stretch mark and those cesarean scar(s).

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I have followed 4th Trimester Bodies Project for a while and I have always wanted to participate. I chose to participate because I want women of all ages to feel loved in this constant diet-obsessed culture. That it's okay not to have the perfect body and to embrace your now.

Kate Detweiler

Kate Detweiler (42 - she/her), Evan (6) and Florence "Flora" (5 months)

Washington, DC

“I had five pregnancies and two births. I feel lucky that I got pregnant easily even in my 40s, and I know many people who had a harder time than I did, but it was nevertheless hard.

My first pregnancy resulted in my son. He had an early vanishing twin, but the twin was gone before I knew it existed, so I was just happy for my healthy boy. After that, I had three unsuccessful pregnancies: two early miscarriages with a more complicated and traumatic pregnancy in between the two miscarriages. At the first appointment I was pregnant with triplets, but it was clear that the triplets were not all the same size, which indicated a problem. I lost one and then another, and the one remaining still showed signs of problems at 12 weeks, so I had diagnostics tests. Based on the results I chose to terminate the pregnancy. I got the news while I was out of town at a work conference dressed for a black-tie event. I didn't cry or tell my husband until I got home the next day, and I had already made my decision before I told him. This was a devastating pregnancy, but terminating was the most loving option for me, and I don’t regret this choice. After the three unsuccessful pregnancies, we decided to try one more time. There was definitely a "this is it. Now or never." moment, and I got pregnant easily again. My doctor monitored me closely due to my history, and at the first sonogram, the technician told me that it was potentially conjoined twins. I was devastated again and felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Fortunately it was a misdiagnosis and after a painful week of living with this possibility, the maternal fetal medicine specialist saw no sign of twins – conjoined or otherwise, and the pregnancy wound up being fine and resulted in my daughter.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Parenthood and body image are so complicated, but overall it's made me feel strong and powerful and tired. My son will speak frankly about my fat belly, and then throw his arms around my waist and I feel loved rather than judged. I exercise so that I can be strong and healthy and set a good example, but having a perfect body isn't my goal.

I can't imagine that my body will ever do anything greater than pregnancy and childbirth, despite the trouble I had. I aspired to an unmedicated vaginal birth, but I wound up having two cesareans. My son was frank breech and wouldn't move into the right position, so I happily scheduled a cesarean. It occurred to me that without technology, I might have been someone who died in childbirth, so I didn't feel bad about the change of plans. I considered a VBAC the second round, but I didn't go into labor and my doctor recommended I not go past 39 weeks due to advanced maternal age, so I had a second cesarean. I chose the cesarean rather than being induced, which didn't appeal to me.

Breastfeeding also makes me feel powerful and close to my children. I breastfed my son until he was 2.5 years old. I may not last that long with my daughter, but it's still going strong , and feeding my babies gives me joy. That said, it is hard to keep up as a working mother and pumping does not give me the joy that actually breastfeeding gives me. I know that fed is best, so I try not to judge myself or others.

 What was your postpartum experience?

I have had postpartum depression since my daughter was born, which I am treating with professional help. She was born during a complicated stage of my life, so there are many contributing factors. It's been a year of high-highs, with her birth, and low-lows, some of which are not my story to tell. The pregnancy was also hard emotionally and physically. At 42 I'm struggling with mortality and loss, while simultaneously giving birth to a baby girl and it's hard to process life ending and beginning at the same time and still just go about my day. I saw someone describe "the mortality crisis women have at 42," and that really resonated with me. I'm not going out and buying a fancy car like the stereotypical mid-life crisis, but I'm grappling with life. Being a mom is much harder and much better than I expected. It has given me a better perspective on what's important to me. It can be a grind, but it's worth it.

What is your truth? 

Make plans. Throw out those plans. Move on and make more plans. I'm trying to focus on being grateful, flexible and just keep moving.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I've followed the 4th Trimester Bodies Project since my first pregnancy 6+ years ago and I've learned a lot from reading people's stories. I have been fairly open about my struggles, but it is hard to know when is the right time to talk about it and I welcome the opportunity to share my story. Pregnancy and motherhood can be lonely and isolated at times. We all have different paths, and I think it's important to share and work to de-stigmatize miscarriage, abortion, postpartum depression, and everyday struggles.

Naomi Puckett

Naomi Puckett (36 - she/her), Amelia (7), Nora (4), Channing (would be 2), and Stella (8 mo)

Washington, DC

“I have experienced loss in a traumatic and unimaginable way. I was supposed to have an uncomplicated, healing second homebirth much like my first, but it didn’t end up that way. My baby boy Channing died in labor from a raging bacterial infection that put me into septic shock. All because of a fraudulent and negligent woman who claimed to be a midwife. I hired her to keep my birth, my baby and myself safe. She failed us because she was in fact not a midwife at all. She lied about who she was and has left my family in forever devastation.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I have always known that parenthood was for me. I have never had a positive image of my physical self. I have always been overweight and was raised to view it as my self worth. Being put down because I deserved it because of how I was supposed to look.

Pregnancy gave me and my body a purpose. Nourishing and growing a precious life and the expansion of my body was seen as a positive thing. Each of my pregnancy experiences have been positive. No medical complications during gestation and I have always felt most beautiful during.

What was your postpartum experience?

I have had 4 different postpartum experiences. Each with their own individual importance. My first baby was a C-section recovery. Not only was I physically recovering but I also was emotionally recovering from feeling robbed of the birth experience I wanted. My second baby was a healing home birth vbac. I did a lot of research to achieve the birth I deserved. I was on a birth high for a long time leading into my next pregnancy. I was confident that having a second home birth vbac was the right path for me. My world came crashing down with my third baby. My baby who was supposed to be brought in peacefully but died tragically because red flags were ignored. So I was left in the hospital with a cesarean scar, a picc line in my arm for antibiotic administration, engorged breasts and no baby to nourish. When I found out I was pregnant with my rainbow baby, I knew this was a huge process and focus. I also knew that everything I had learned about my second pregnancy, everything I fought for, was flushed. I knew that a cesarean was inevitable and in fact something I knew I needed as my outcome. I have come full circle in my motherhood journey. From being devastated of grieving a birth experience to actually grieving a child because of what I fought for for my birth experience.

What is your truth? 

My truth is the truth for my son. I always felt how I gave birth ( cesarean vs vaginal) was a worth of my value. If I had a cesarean, I was a failure. If I didn’t think that way, my son would still be here today. I felt mainstream prenatal care was against me based on being labeled. “Once a C-section ,always a C-section” was not a view I wanted to succumb to. But after my experience of loss because of trusting someone who was supposed to help me achieve the birth I needed it has taught me the truth of my worth as a mother isn’t the way my baby is brought into this world.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I’ve always wanted to participate in this project, even before my son’s death. My prenatal and postpartum journey has defined who I am as a person.

Alison LiVecchi

Alison LiVecchi (37 - she/her). Mother to Alaina Mae (9), Athan Harper (5), and Anderson Finch (6 mo)

Houston, TX

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has made me appreciate my body in ways I never did before. Pregnancy gave me a new level of self-confidence I never had before – no longer did I need to hide my tummy; instead I was proud of my body’s ability to grow life and enjoyed my new shape. After Alaina arrived, I plummeted into feeling like my body had failed me. Because of my body, I was unable to deliver the baby naturally. Because of my body, I was unable to produce enough milk. My postpartum experience erased all the body positivity and replaced it with sadness, frustration, and fear that I would never have a body that would do what I wanted it to (if I were able to get pregnant again).

After my other two pregnancies, my body appreciation has returned. Not only do I remain in awe of the physical functions of motherhood, but I appreciate my softer tummy, my wider hips, my “few extra pounds” as symbols of the journey. My body has sustained me and 3 babies, so of course its shape will change. Furthermore, I am not the same person on the inside as I was before my babies, and so my outside should not be the same either.

This appreciation has led to a sort of slowing-down. No need to rush into “getting my body back”. Instead, I am patient and forgiving as my body continues to shift and sag and roll in ways it may not have before. I know that someday I may want to return to a way of life in which my physical body is a priority. But right now, I am satisfied with prioritizing connection and joy and appreciation – regardless of body shape or size.

What was your postpartum experience?

My first birth experience was traumatic, ending in an unplanned cesarean. Breastfeeding was challenging and my baby was struggling to gain weight. Nothing was going as I planned or expected, and on top of that, everyone was asking “Don’t you just love being a mom?” Each day I kept wondering when the idyllic, soft glow of motherhood would arrive with angelic singing and a peaceful sleeping baby in my arms. It never did, and coupled with my traumatic birth experience and changing hormones, I fell into postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety lasting for about 3 years. I do not feel like I experienced the first year of my daughter’s life, and I certainly did not enjoy becoming a mom in that year; I was just hoping not to keep “failing” at everything and to keep both of us alive.

I always imagined motherhood would be filled with bubbly connections to other women and babies – like after my baby came I would be welcomed into a “club”. But after my first baby, I felt so incredibly isolated. I was home alone during maternity leave, struggling to process a million emotions, and the only interactions I had with other adults were brief and superficial. I felt like I was the only one who was struggling to look at my beautiful newborn baby girl and feel joy, or the only one who was traumatized by birth, or the only one who was facing breastfeeding challenges. Motherhood was always supposed to be magical, amazing, and special. I didn’t have any of those feelings about it, and I felt like there was something abnormal in thinking that way. I knew my birth experience was challenging, but I think the isolation, both physically and emotionally, was the hardest part. The PPD led to me feeling isolated from other mothers, and because I was isolated, I became more depressed. It was a cycle that spiraled for me for 3 years, leading to treatment with therapy and later medication. My husband was so supportive and patient during this time, and I leaned on him when I could. But what I really yearned for was connections to others who felt like me – to know that I wasn’t alone.

Slowly, I built a network of connections that chipped away at that isolated feeling. I found a local ICAN chapter and attended in person meetings to help me process my unplanned cesarean. I signed up for daily affirming emails from Postpartum Progress to read while pumping at work. I joined a creative writing class and began writing a manuscript of a memoir of my experiences. I found a therapist who empowered me, and I told my story to anyone who asked me how much I was enjoying motherhood. I spent my free time researching birth in our modern, medicalized society as a way to try and understand my experience and discovered the statistics that show I was definitely not alone.

I was scared when I became pregnant with Athan. But I knew a lot more about what to expect in birth and the newborn phase. I sought out a supportive care provider (and drove an hour away for appointments and delivery) and assembled a team, including a doula, chiropractor, therapist, psychiatrist, and others who helped me stay laser-focused on a VBAC. I knew that a better birth experience could lead to a better postpartum outcome, so I was singularly focused on this goal. I got my VBAC, and this time, I had was in the club – I had already built a network of friends and mothers as my daughter had been growing up – and I was not alone. I had a much more positive birth experience, and although I faced challenges with breastfeeding (and juggling 2 kids), my expectations were more aligned with my reality. I avoided PPD and PPA by staying busy with my toddler and leaning on my people who knew my story, but also by encapsulating my placenta and remaining medicated throughout my pregnancy and postpartum period.

This third baby was a surprise, and in many ways, a gift. Now 8 years after Alaina’s birth, I could rely on my team without the pressure and focus of “achieving” a VBAC. I was confident in my body knowing I had done it once before. I could lean on a team that was pretty much in tact from Athan’s birth. Not only was I planning a VBAC this time, but I was able to consider my wishes for the birth experience itself – mood of the room, position to deliver in, etc. My goals this time around were to try to enjoy and process and feel all the transitions and stages instead of “achieving” something.

This time I knew so much more about myself and my own emotional needs in the postpartum period and I was able to advocate for what I needed to stay mentally healthy and present for my husband and other children. For example, I knew that a “lying in” period immediately postpartum didn’t work well for me (too isolating) so I scheduled groups of friends to visit every other day. I am trying to savor each moment of parenthood and just see each stage for what it is, as this is my last baby.

I am grateful to have had this third opportunity with Anderson to learn to slow down and take challenges as they come. I have learned motherhood isn’t about having all the answers, but about learning to expect challenges along the way, and the give yourself, your partner, and your child the patience and grace along the way.

What is your truth?

You. Are. Not. Alone. Seek connection, speak up, share your story, ask for help, honor your feelings as authentic and real and ALLOWED. Find someone who will listen, and be patient as the transformation into parenthood isn’t overnight.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Social media has done a lot for me to feel connected to other moms, especially the stories on this page. I wanted to be able to tell my story in hopes that someone out there needs to read it. Someone who might be feeling like they are the only one who isn’t loving the transition to motherhood, or who had a traumatic birth, or who is struggling with breastfeeding. Participating in this movement will not only connect me to moms in the future, but also allows me the opportunity to continue to honor and reflect on my own journey.

I am so grateful to ash and all they have done to tell the stories of people who are like me, but also people who are very different than me. Reading these stories and seeing these photos remind me that parenthood looks different to each person, but the medium of her black and white photos reminds us of how connected we all are. Just parents. Loving their babies. Learning to love ourselves.