Jen Holweger (35 - she/her), Avery (7), Callie (5), and Emme (2 mo)
Minneapolis, MN
“My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage in 2011. I had a second miscarriage in the summer of 2018. Losing your first pregnancy is a special kind of hell. I was flooded with self-doubt and anxiety. I was able to get pregnant again quickly, but was panicky the entire time. I worried non stop. After I gave birth to my daughter I felt the weight lift off. It felt like I was holding my breath for 9 months. My second miscarriage was dubbed "The Never Ending Miscarriage" I bled all spring and most of the summer. After having 2 successful births, that loss blindsided me. Add on the constant bleeding/reminder of my body's failure, I struggled mentally. It was a difficult few months. I found out I was pregnant again on Christmas Eve. I was terrified. I was in varying levels of denial the entire pregnancy. I *knew* that there was a baby growing inside of me, but in my mind I just didn't believe it. When I gave birth to Emme, I was almost surprised she was real. The first 48 hours I mostly just stared at her trying to wrap my head around at the idea she was here and we had another child. And thanking god she was perfect.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
My body image has improved endlessly since having children. I have been fat (and denying myself) since high school. And I've endured all that comes with it, self-hate, compensating with a strong personality, being bullied, harassed. My self image shifted to a more positive one after my second daughter was born. I stopped hating my body for all is wasn't and appreciating all it was, and did, and can do. I birthed some kick-ass little girls. I did a triathalon. I started loving myself more for all the wonderful things I can do, even with a fat body.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
I wish my former self would have realized her worth sooner. That she is not her failures. That parenting is hard. That you need to ask for help. That you don't have to do everything. That you need to give yourself grace and forgiveness you give others.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Ever since I started seeing the 4th Trimester photos on Instagram, I was in love. Seeing all body shapes and sizes, and the participants being so vulnerable was a new experience. I related to many of the stories. I wanted to share my story in hopes it makes others feel less alone.