Avigail Hurvitz-Prinz (37 - she/her) and Baby Y (7 mo - they/them)
Philadelphia, PA {Virtual session captured via CLOS}
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
The process of TTC, being pregnant, birthing and nursing are so deeply physical and embodied. There were parts of all of it that were incredibly powerful and magical (wow the placenta! labor and birth! and human milk!) and parts of it that were so disorienting, anxiety-provoking, and hard. I served as a vessel for this new, incredible human and though they aren't in my body anymore, I still am responsible for most of their milk and nourishment. The pride I feel in watching them grow is so gratifying but it is also extremely challenging to have lost so much of my physical autonomy. Though it isn't factually true, it can feel like I'm either nursing or pumping or trying to feed myself enough to make it thru my next few hours -- so my body just is rarely my own.
Though now, 7 months after our birth experience, I'm back in clothes I was wearing before I got pregnant, they all look a little different. It is especially confusing to figure out what my thoughts about my body are and to encounter my fatphobia. I feel conflicted about how gratified I feel to be back in my old clothes, to sort of recognizing myself in the mirror after 2 years of really rapid body changes while also knowing that my body is softer, lumpier, and just different than it used to be. A friend of mine said about her postpartum body "well, that's not where I remember leaving that!" My big-before-pregnancy breasts grew even more than I would have thought imaginable and it has been hard for me to feel connected to them. They're still bigger than the baby's head, they're physically unwieldy and it takes a lot of psychic work to not experience them as grotesque, I have back pain I didn't have before pregnancy and it was quite a struggle to find supportive nursing bras.
I try to practice being proud of what my body can do and less focused on what I've lost but it really isn't easy. I feel the strongest (47 hours of unmedicated labor!) and the most vulnerable (I almost died!) I've ever been at the same time. That seems to be a pretty common experience of birthing people, but, damn if it isn't hard to integrate!
What was your postpartum experience?
My labor was 47 hours and I had a beautiful homebirth with my incredible midwife, Ray Rachlin of Refuge Midwifery (I am beyond grateful for their life-saving care). Because of a hemorrhage and retained placenta, I had an emergency transfer to the hospital for blood transfusions and a D&C. Though perhaps it was technically my birth experience, I often separate the two experiences and think about my two days in the hospital as the beginning of my postpartum journey. I was pretty sick, having lost more than half of my blood by the time I got into surgery. One of my two partners met me in the hospital later that night with the baby (my other partner and co-parent needed to stay home because of limits on visitors during COVID-19). Needless to say, it was a pretty challenging start having been separated from my family in an emergency and not being reunited as the family we were meant to be until 2 days after the birth.
I was physically very limited the first 6 weeks or so and emotionally also really struggled. My milk was slow to come in, we were juggling co-lactation with one of my partners who induced lactation (which was amazing, but also was stressful for each of us in different ways) and I was coping with really raw trauma. I feel lucky to be co-parenting with my two partners B and S, my parents were nearby for part of that early time, many friends and community members dropped off meals and I went to therapy and hypnosis, folks were very kind, especially virtually.... and it was still one of the hardest experiences of my life. I remember fearing that I'd never feel connected to this new baby, feeling so much guilt about the separation that we endured for the 6 hours I was in surgery and before my partner B was able to bring the baby to me in the hospital. A major theme for me at the time was feeling like a baby myself while also somehow being responsible for this new being who I variously loved and felt completely trapped by.
During that early period, it became really challenging for me to imagine leaving the bed even when I was physically ready. Around 6 weeks, being challenged by my therapist Regina who said, in the kindest way possible, that even though it was scary, I was going to keep regressing the longer I stayed. That day I went downstairs and outside for the first time since the socially distanced baby naming & brit ceremony we'd hosted on day 8 and it was *hard*. But she was right, and it was the beginning of the end of my postpartum depression. Because my recovery was so hard I delayed going back to work by a month which was also a major conflict -- but it was evident that I just wasn't well enough to be back at work. I'm still experiencing trauma reactions and some physical pain, though both are much more manageable and contained. We have therapy now as a family, have set up some rituals for marking important moments of transition. It will always be true that a baby's birthday is also the anniversary of my near-death experience and I feel more and more able to separate those experiences from each other and have more people in my life to talk to about how deeply complicated that is.
I'm blessed enough to also feel good, to be back at work, enjoying parenting a very charming kiddo in a very fun stage, and to be in loving relationships (we just celebrated 3 years of our triad!)
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
There is no control over any of this (if and when you get pregnant, when you'll give birth, how that birth will go, who your baby will be, how the milk will flow, how they'll develop). The most you can do is set it up and then allow the magic -- and it is magic -- to unfold in its own time.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
In so many ways! I really missed the experience so many people have of being witnessed and admired in pregnancy and felt a lot of grief about that. There was a lot of anxiety for us about safety as I was pretty newly pregnant while the early pandemic unfolded.
It is still regularly painful to have such intense negotiations about safety with our loved ones and there are many people who are important to us who have yet to hold the baby because of the pandemic. And, I felt lucky, in a certain way, that we had this incredibly transformative, very special life change in a time when so many people were feeling so little to be hopeful about.
The way the pandemic really focuses attention and intensifies what's happening on the homefront is maybe what happens in late pregnancy and early postpartum anyway! And being able to work from home and hang out with the baby or nurse in my breaks is really special (though much harder when I can hear them crying while I'm trying to do my own thing).
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Seeing people tell vulnerable stories and show their real bodies has helped me feel much less alone in one of the most difficult times of my life. I really admire the folks who have participated so far and appreciate the chance to find my place among them.