Monica Beback (30 - she/her), Norah (8), Charlotte (6), and Eamon (2)
Buffalo, NY
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I’ve always dealt with body image/confidence issues. I don’t think I’ve ever really “loved” my body (working on it!). But, I definitely think pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and parenthood has helped me view my body in a more positive way. Like, now there’s a super incredible reason (or 3) why my skin is floppy or I have stretch marks and it’s meant to be. Whereas before it was maybe other lifestyle choices I was making that directly impacted my negative self-image. It’s much easier to tell yourself- your body housed, nourished, birthed and cared for (among other things) three perfect human beings, and that’s why it looks this way. Can’t hate that.
What was your postpartum experience?
After the birth of my first babe, I’d say my journey was pretty “standard” for a first time mom. Emotional, nervous and unsure as many are, but also amazed at what I’d just accomplished, and so grateful. Postpartum with my second daughter was my “easiest” recovery. Mentally and physically, I felt well, aside from the disappointment I had to deal with of not achieving my desired home birth, plus I thought I had the whole mom thing down.
It was a few years before the birth of my third baby, my son, and I had in the meantime become a birth doula, and learned so much from my previous two births, as well as the several I had attended as a doula. I felt so prepared; took the best care of myself, planned my “redemption” homebirth, and for my postpartum recovery, and thought for sure this would be a walk in the park. Aside from some small issues and anxiety toward the end of my pregnancy, his birth ended up being beautiful and perfect and everything I had hoped for, born in the water in our living room, a whopping 10 and a half pounds! Those first 24 hours were pure bliss, until the following day when we noticed his breathing was sounding a little “extra”.
Super long story short, after a slew of calls and visits from our midwife and to doctors offices, I had become an anxious wreck. The whole situation had caused some serious post traumatic stress, and I was completely crippled by it. I also think the unexpectedness of it only made it more severe. I couldn’t do anything but worry about the health of myself and my baby, but couldn’t understand why this wasn’t happening to me. I eventually sought out the help of a doctor who prescribed medication (but I was paranoid those were causing side effects) and then a wonderful therapist who specializes in perinatal mood disorders. It took me over a year to feel somewhat “normal” again, but I tell people his coming to this earth truly changed me, and I will never be the same person I was before he was born. As painful and difficult as it was, I truly am grateful for that experience, so I can use it to empathize with others who may feel similar, especially in my practice as a doula.
What is your truth?
Transformative: that is birth and motherhood. Constantly evolving and morphing into new normals. PLEASE trust yourself and your baby and give yourself time to learn and cry and heal and grow and whatever else it is you need to do. And seek help when you need it. Vulnerability is everything when you are a mother- having it, being it, and encouraging it, this can change the world. I truly believe that.
“Be patient with yourself, nothing in nature blooms all year.” -Unknown
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Overall my passion for all that motherhood entails and wanting to make it better for us all- pregnancy, birth, postpartum, parenting, etc. It’s all so fucking hard, and like I said before, I think just being human and truthful to ourselves and what we are and opening up to others is SO powerful, and I feel so deeply that we need to cultivate a more vulnerable society, especially among women. I also love that this project gives me the opportunity to teach these lessons to my children and show them all the forms of beauty and strength. What better way to do all that than posing half nude with a bunch of strangers?!