Lydia Rockwell Goldfine (39 - she/her), Simon (he/him) and children Solomon (10), Maccabee (7), Hillel (4), and Rockwell (1)
Albuquerque, New Mexico (Virtual Session captured via CLOS)
Lydia shares -
{I had} miscarriages in 2010, 2012, 2013, and 2019. One of these babies I think about daily, and others I don't. Just beginning to write their loss years has me in tears...still, I can't bring myself to a place of calm about these experiences. Some of them I feel like a missed opportunity; a face and personality that weren't meant to be and that I will never meet - a soulless wonder of chemicals and life's beginnings that I had hoped would be viable - but that weren't. I can be a very practical person about life and death.
One, I miss deeply. I think about her and her loss daily. I felt her presence in my life and I talked with her and loved her and named her. Her loss is also coupled with conflicting emotions: I felt alone and unsupported when I lost her, my husband is a truly wonderful human being and a gifted father and is my best friend, he and I were in a foreign country when the doc told us that she was gone, and we were devastated and very far from family. Not having any experience with later term loss, he didn't know how to help me and I didn't know how to help me... and I was moving through the steps of the loss in an emotional place where I just don't feel because there are so many tasks and things to do in order to move forward: just get off the examining table, just get on the plane, just walk into the hospital, just surrender to modern medical care, just wake up in a medicated haze, just put on a happy face because your son is in the room, just say 'it's ok', when people are grief-stricken on my behalf, just say "we'll have another" when my husband is crying too... just move through every day until there is enough space between you and the loss to be able to feel any part of it... that is why I am crying now because now it’s ok for me to be emotional about this loss. I think what was worst for me then was that I knew that she had left weeks before they told me and I couldn't bring my awareness to that fact or to the fact that I knew. I wasn't surprised to hear the news and yet I was devastated. I felt her soul growing and I looked forward to her coming birth. I felt her soul leaving and I couldn't look forward to what would eventually come to pass.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Oh my... I am so much stronger now. Before becoming a mother I was a weakling. I was self-centered and too tired to be able to make it to the gym. I didn't find the time to take care of my body until I had my kids...I was always 'too busy'...I am their Mama: I am a gladiator of a person. I am physically stronger because I work out now...and I am mentally stronger because I gave birth 4 times at home to 4 human beings: I have carried a child 16 weeks and lost her and gone on to carry 3 more babies: I am capable of anything.
My boobs are saggy bags of power milk.
My belly is a saggy bag of human creation.
My mind is a saggy sack of mom skills.
My eyelids are sagging because I'm so tired.
My cheeks are sagging from laughing too much.
My ears are saggy because they've heard too much joy and too much noise.
My thighs are saggy because they've carried so many pregnant bellies.
My arms are sagging from the weight of too many beautiful small warm bodies.
My self-confidence sags with the weight of all this responsibility.
My heart sags with the immensity of all the love that I have personally created for the world.
My self-criticisms sag due to the healing motherhood has created for myself.
What was your postpartum experience?
I gave birth at home 4 times. I loved it. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and at the same time like a deflated balloon. My husband cared for me wonderfully, my sister and brother-in-law cared for us as a family. We were able to enjoy the 4th trimester and truly bond with our kiddos. I never experienced what I imagine people call PPD, but I've certainly had my moments of downward thoughts. I didn't know much about parenting when I had my first son - I wish I had read one book on the baby and less reviews of his stroller!!! I think back now on the two total dopes who were Solomon's parents and I just feel bad for them and for him. They don't know anything about babies and attachment and yet they feel like they know everything. As always, a trues sense of mastery only came when we had our 4th and last baby. With my first two children I lost my baby weight fast and easy. My third took considerable effort on my part and significant dietary changes...and I'm still working on my fourth. I'll get there. I'm headed to a place of cardiovascular health and muscular strength. I want to be able to be fit and happy at my last child's graduation: when I'll be 57.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
“Listen to the baby. Jeese-sus, just listen to that baby. Put that book down, hang up that phone. Ask your mother to leave and tell that old lady in the market to shush. The baby IS communicating. The baby IS trying his best. He is telling you that he wants to be held, nursed, slept with, walked, rocked, that he is sick, that he is cold, that he doesn't like the light....just listen to the baby and do what he needs you to do. You're not being manipulated, he doesn't have an agenda, he's not out to ruin your marriage through his lack of sleep....he really truly can’t do this without you and he doesn't know how; he needs you to grow - the - fuck - up right now and help him. Stop blaming the baby...because he can't do this without you and the faster you understand your power to make this situation better, the faster the situation will improve. Be the adult in this room, every room that your children will ever be in, forever, be the adult. It's not his fault that he doesn't know how to sleep, calm down or control himself. It's not your fault either. You're the mom and he's the baby and it’s time you got on board."
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
Barf. I'm a homeschool mom now - a profession for which I have had no training and have never wanted to do... Other than that, COVID has been a necessary adjustment to our overscheduled lives.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Because I love and support your work. I kinda hate the idea of being photographed in my undies...but what you do is important for all the little boys and girls out there. "This belly is what real women look like. This is motherhood. This body gave you life."