Alyssa Rodgers (28) and Chloe (2)
Columbia, MO
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Parenthood has made me hate my body a lot less than I used to and be more comfortable in my skin. I struggled with body image a lot in high school and into college; even though I was fit, I have always had curves and I would compare myself to friends who had different body types than I did. At the end of college and immediately after I gained a lot of weight and my confidence was non-existent. Although I lost a lot of that weight before I became pregnant with Chloe, once I found out I was pregnant, none of that mattered to me anymore. I wanted to be healthy for her, but beyond that, I had never felt more beautiful or more confident than when I was carrying her. After a wonderful pregnancy, I had a hard labor that ended in an unwanted emergency c-section. I fell back into hating my body for a little bit; I was so mad at it for what I felt was a failure to do what it was literally made to do. Two years later I am more or less at peace with my body. It might be a bit "fluffier" than I would prefer, but this body carried Chloe for nine plus months and has breastfeed her for almost twenty-seven months. It carries her and chases her and plays with her and snuggles with her. It is where she feels safe and comfortable; it is still her home base. That is far more important than any number on a scale or on a tag.
What was your postpartum experience?
Postpartum was equal parts awful and amazing for me. I had an emergency cesarean that resulted in hemorrhaging and blood transfusion for me and a NICU stay for Chloe that I am still not totally over. In the first few months after the experience, I was angry and I was sad. I was devastated over what I felt was a failure of my body, over my lost experience of being present for the birth (I reacted negatively to the anesthesia and don't remember a lot of the experience) and for the loss of that time after the birth where I had expected to have skin-to-skin with my baby. I was angry that I couldn't even get up to pee on my own or do any of the things I felt I "should" be able to do. None of my birth experience or physical recovery was what I had anticipated- it was so much harder and so much more painful and honestly somewhat lonely, because no-one else could understand how I felt. On the other side, being a mom was better than anything I could have dreamed. Despite the rough start, Chloe and I had and continue to have a great breastfeeding relationship. Other than the occasional gas, she slept as well as a newborn can. And I didn't mind getting up every few hours to feed her, in fact I loved it. I loved those quiet, middle of the night, nursing sessions. She was just the most amazing little creature and I couldn't get enough of her. Honestly, I still feel that way about her. I did not know it was possible to love another being that much. I know I am so lucky and I am incredibly grateful for what was an easy and overall lovely postpartum experience. Being a mother is without question the best thing I have ever done in my life and I would not trade it for anything. Looking at it in retrospect is really interesting; I had this amazing, beautiful pregnancy, followed by a horrific and painful birth, but then have had an amazing and beautiful journey since. While it doesn't quite make the sadness disappear it mostly makes up for it. Sunshine and rain and all that, right?
What is your truth?
My truth is that this is who I was meant to be- Chloes mama. The knowledge that I'd pass along is to own that truth and to trust in it- to trust yourself, that you know what is best for you and your baby and that you should be confident in that.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I started following this project when I was newly postpartum and I was drawn to how confident everyone was in their skin and I immediately wanted to be a part of it. I wasn't ready then, but I am now. I am proud of my body for what it has done and I want to show and teach my daughter that all bodies are beautiful and strong and should be celebrated and loved and appreciated.