Kristi Wagley Richard (36 - she/her), Ellison (4.5), Nolan (2). You can view Kristi’s original photo and story from 2015 here.
Baton Rouge, LA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I think I've always had a decent relationship with my body. Of course, there were always things that I would change if I could snap my fingers, but it never disturbed me enough to diet or exercise. However, I actually loved my body when I was pregnant. I had never felt more confident or sexy than in the third trimester of each pregnancy. What I was not expecting was me relationship with my body after pregnancy, especially the first. Ellison's pregnancy was unexpected, and took a toll on me mentally.
For some reason, I expected my postpartum body to help me connect with this new baby that I was unsure about. There'd be stretch marks, I'd not lose the baby weight, things would have shifted, etc. Only, none of that happened. I didn't have stretch marks, I weighed less than I did before pregnant, and breastfeeding was rough, so I pumped for several months. Strangely, I felt my body had betrayed me by not looking like I had a baby. Crazy, right?
In my postpartum fogged mind, it further disconnected me from the baby for a long time. Crazy, right? With Nolan, all those things happened - stretch marks, increased weight, things shifting everywhere....but it made me no more connected to the baby that time either. I have struggled with accepting this new body more than I anticipated. In the past few months, I have become more cognizant about feeling my best - being mindful of foods (not in a can't eat carbs diet way, as much of a I don't really need 2 cokes and reese's every day, do I?) and trying to be active with my kids, instead of spending hours at the gym. It's not about losing weight for me, it's about physically and mentally having more energy for me, while being very aware of never criticizing my or anyone else's body or talking about diets, etc. since 2 and 4 years old eyes and ears are always on me. I'm still a work in progress.
What was your postpartum experience?
Ellison was an unexpected pregnancy. After being together for 18 years and married for 12, my husband and I had somewhat thought we'd likely not have kids. The reality of having a kid hit me very hard. I struggled with connecting with Ellison, which was compounded by the fact that we were unable to breastfeed. I exclusively pumped for several months, which took a huge toll on me mentally. I struggled with the fact that if you didn't necessarily want a baby, having one didn't change that fact. Especially when everyone told me it would be "different when its your own kid."
After a year and a half, my husband and I both decided that we didn't want Ellison to be an only child and that we wanted another child. No one was more surprised by this than me. One month of trying and we were pregnant. Mentally, this pregnancy was easier, but physically it was much harder, especially chasing after a 2 year old. Having a second child slapped me in my face. Surely since this child was "planned" I'd have an instant connect, right? Nope.
When we also had trouble breastfeeding, my husband and I mutually decided that we were going the formula route and I wasn't going to pump. From my husband's perspective, he didn't want to see me going into such a dark place pumping again. This was not a decision I made lightly, and I agonized over it, but I agreed with him. Unfortunately the darkness came from me feeling that my body had failed me once again. I also didn't feel like I had any kind of mom instinct. I hated maternity leave, I couldn't wait to get back to work, being with the kids alone for any extended period gave - and still gives me - anxiety. Two years later, and through some counseling, I know I had and still have some postpartum depression. Acknowledging and treating that has helped me to connect with my kids a little more..still with a long ways to go.
What is your truth?
It's okay not to be okay. Acknowledge it and ask for help.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I participated previously in 2015 just after Ellison was born. It was helpful to open up about my postpartum struggle and body issues, and for me to start telling other people - my husband in particular - that I was not ok. I wanted to participate again since having another child. Both times, I hope someone might read my story and find it relatable.