Suzanne (33 - she/her) and Lydia (6)
Minneapolis, MN
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Parenthood has shown me how strong my body and my mind are. I truly had no idea how I would be a mother to another human being. It also has shown me the love and acceptance a child has for their mother. Despite all of my own insecurities, my daughter has never shown me or my body anything but love and respect. I've begun to accept how I look, to eat to nourish my body, and to be strong and healthy to care for my child and show her how to be healthy and free in mind and spirit.
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum journey is mostly foggy. I was going through the motions of caring for an infant, feeding, changing and soothing, but I didn't feel bonded at first. Breastfeeding was a struggle, I had inverted nipples and my baby struggled with my overactive let down, over supply, and gagging. For the first 7 months I struggled with recurrent mastitis, constant antibiotics, milk cultures, high fevers and just feeling miserable. It took a long time for me to love breastfeeding, for the majority of the first year I did it because it was what I was supposed to do. It took several months before I started to really cherish the time I had with my daughter.
Looking back, it's so easy to recognize the postpartum depression, however, in the moment, I was so busy with work and being a single momma that I didn't even have time to see what was happening. Once breastfeeding became easier, it was an important aspect in drawing our relationship closer. We're now over 6 years into that journey and the end is clearly nearing, but it's been a journey of respecting each other's bodies and personal development.
Weaning has been gradually and holistically occurring for several years now and there are no feelings of being rushed or regret from either of us. My doula, few close friends, and doctor were so crucial to my breastfeeding success, my "village" was so much more important that I could have imagined.
What is your truth?
Being raped doesn't mean you deserve less in relationships in the future, you are a whole person still. And no matter how much you hurt yourself after the assaults, you are not hurting the person who hurt you.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I never remember feeling love for my own body. I struggled with an eating disorder and self injury, anxiety and depression starting in early middle school through early adulthood. I was raped repeatedly in college leaving me with emotional scars that haunt me, though more quietly now that they once did. I was depressed, have PTSD and was suicidal. I've been in psychiatric hospitals for my own safety, and I'm thankful for the intervention that I was given. I've gone to great lengths to cover my body, wearing shorts swimming and always keeping my scars hidden. However, the reality is, this is my body and my body grew, gave birth to and has nourished and protected my daughter. It is strong and my daughter even says I'm beautiful. My past is part of my life, but it can't hold me back forever. I'm scared to do this, to share about the rapes, self-injury, depression and everything, but it's my reality and I'm not hiding forever.