Rebecca Mahoney (33 - she/her), Nathan (4),, and Jude (10.5 mo)
Boston, MA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I have a complicated history with my body. I struggled with disordered eating and body dysmorphia since I was a child. My husband and I decided to try for our first baby when I was finally in a space where I felt healthy enough to do so. We got pregnant on our first try. I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy, labor and delivery. The weight came off quickly and I "bounced back" remarkably. Breastfeeding was easy. I loved being a mom and was in awe of what my body was capable of.
A year and a half later, we decided to try again. It took a year of trying, several failed IUIs and IVF to get pregnant a second time. I had never heard of "Unexplained Secondary Infertility", but we were living it. I fell right back into the comfortable arms of my eating disorder as I struggled through a challenging pregnancy. I felt like I was at war with my body. From struggling to get pregnant, to hemorrhaging through my first trimester, to Gestational Diabetes, then to recurrent mastitis and thrush, my brain and my body were not working in harmony. Now, 10.5 months after giving birth a second time, I am rebuilding the love and respect for my body that I once had. Things are different after creating life. Everything is different: physical and emotional. My body is good, my body is right, it's just different now.
What was your postpartum experience?
I recently read that postpartum depression affects nearly double the number of people who go through fertility treatments than those who do not. After Nathan was born, I definitely struggled with some anxiety, but chalked it up to first time mom nerves. After Jude was born, it was a totally different story. I got mastitis 3 times in 9 weeks, had thrush, and recurrent plugged ducts. Eventually, I had to wean because I was in constant pain and fear of getting mastitis again. After going back to work and weaning, I found myself feeling so hopelessly sad and alone, despite the ever present support of my partner and family. My immense privilege of being able to seek counseling and medication does not go unnoticed. Antidepressants, therapy and the ability to take a break from time to time has really helped me find some joy in parenting again, but finding myself again has been equally as important. Needless to say, my children are my pride and joy, but they are lucky they're so cute so that this mother doesn't eat her young!
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Being a parent is really freaking hard. Find your village. Ask for help. No one can do this alone.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
My story is not unique, but it's rarely discussed. There are a lot of us out there with eating disorders. There are a lot of us out there struggling with infertility. There are a lot of us out there with Postpartum Depression/Anxiety. Talk about it. Support one another. You are seen.
