Kelly H. (32 - she/her) and H (3)
Houston, TX
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I have struggled with body image my whole life, and now I find myself peaceful about it. This body grew and fed a gorgeous boy, and saggy boobs is worth it! Nothing centers you in yourself like having a child. There is an inherent faith in the process you must have, because so much of it is largely outside our control. I found this faith carrying over into other areas of my life, as well. Faith that I will be the exact mother he needs, that he will be just fine, that our lives will work out, and that we will always have enough (love, money, time).
What was your postpartum experience?
My mother died suddenly when I was 6, from a brain aneurysm. I was raised by my grandparents. From the time my mom died I knew two things for sure: I wanted to be a doctor, and I wanted to be a mother. Fast forward many years later and (after losing most of my family to various cancers, and being diagnosed with PTSD) I found myself studying for the MCAT (the test you take to get into medical school) and pregnant. Things started to go wrong.
I had gestational diabetes, and then my baby boy stopped growing appropriately, and continued to fall behind. I was induced at 38 weeks. I thought everything would be fine, but he was born not breathing, and was dark blue. He came home after only 5 days in the NICU, and has been the light of my life ever since. However, his birth devastated me, in a way that nothing else ever has. I still have nightmares about it. He nursed for two years, and now he’s 3 and I’m finally applying to medical school in June of 2020. I’m divorced now though, and realizing this will be my only baby, which is a heartache all its own. I want him to know he’s the love of my life, but now it’s time for me to pursue the only other thing I’ve ever wanted- medicine.
I’ve been told I’m at a disadvantage applying at the ripe old age of 32, and also having a child already. But I refuse to quit. I will apply as many times as it takes. My son will know that I love him fiercely, and that we don’t give up on our dreams. The universe calls us to things for a reason. Motherhood really is an act of letting go- of what you think your pregnancy/birth/postpartum/body, and even your child and your life, should look like. Once you’ve busted out of the prison of your expectations though you find an unexpectedly beautiful and free life. As Lao Tzu said “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage” I am fiercer, stronger, braver, and softer than I ever knew I could be. So now, here we are, Henry and I, growing up together in a whole new life.
What is your truth?
I've learned that there is no perfect mother, or situation, or life. All there is is wholeheartedness, and loving your child with everything you have. That is always enough.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I think society is largely silent about how sacrificial motherhood can be. It is so easy to lose yourself in it entirely. I want people to know that birth trauma is so real, and can be so persistent. Also though, I want others to read about finally finding space to come back to yourself, and showing your children that parenthood isn't an altar you have to die on to be "a good mom". There is space to follow your dreams, and be the mom your child needs.