Martha Bowen (40 - she/her). Mother to Levi (July 2017 - photograph), TigerLilly (2018), and Jude Henry (3 mo)
New Orleans, LA
“I've had 2 losses before giving birth to Jude. My son, Levi, was born in July 2017 two days after he died. He was with us for 37 weeks. I went in for a regular 37 week appointment and my midwife could not find a heartbeat. I had planned a natural birth with a midwife. Instead I was birthing a dead baby with all the interventions possible in order to not feel the pain. When Levi was born, he was perfect in every way, but small, only 4 pounds 11 ounces. We love him and miss him everyday.
My world changed when Levi died. I haven't been the same since, nor do I want to be. I am a different person now. My second loss came in February of 2018, after a positive pregnancy test in January. My husband and I were cautiously optimistic. In reality, I was terrified. For the first ultrasound appointment, we knew something was wrong. We wouldn't be bringing a baby home this time either. We had nicknamed our baby Tiger Lily. I took the pills to start the miscarriage process and ended up with a D&C when the pills didn't complete the task.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
After giving birth to Levi, I hated my body and didn't want to look at myself. My body had betrayed me. The one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world, the thing my body was made to do, it could not do. It took me quite some time to trust my body again. After Jude was born, it was a different experience. My body has never looked this way, but I am thankful to my body for bringing my baby safely here. I am feeding my baby from my body only. I feel more accepting of my body after having given birth to Jude.
What was your postpartum experience?
After we got out of the hospital with Jude, we had to evacuate the next day due to Hurricane Barry heading to New Orleans. Jude was 4 days old, my legs and ankles were very swollen, and my blood pressure was sky high. It was not an ideal situation. My dear friend, Rebecca, became my postpartum doula as she took care of us and took us in during our evacuation. After we got back home, adjusting was hard. During the day Jude was fine, but nighttime was a nightmare. He would fight sleep, not sleep, and scream and cry during the night. Nighttime was usually when Jude wanted to cluster feed, so that meant no sleep for me. I felt ok other than being sleep deprived, still sore from birth, and still worried about my blood pressure. I really didn't know what to expect. My husband and I did the best we could. We're only three months in. We are still trying our best.
What is your truth?
Parenting a dead child is hard. Parenting after loss is hard. Parenting is hard. It is totally worth it, and all my babies are loved.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I wanted to make a memory of my postpartum doing it my way. With Levi's birth, nothing about it was what I planned. With Jude's birth, it also didn't go as I had wanted it to. I did get to bring Jude home, but the labor and birth was not what I had imagined in my head. I'm participating in this movement to take pride in my postpartum, to take pride in my babies, and to take pride in my body. It has done wonderful and hard things.