Vera Jones (32 - she/her), Penelope (7 mo - pictured), and Baby Jones (BJ) - miscarriage
New Orleans, LA
“About two years ago, my partner and I found out I was pregnant by surprise - this wasn't something we planned or even thought much about. I was especially career focused on a path that was very fulfilling and through which I gave a lot of myself to other people (and got a lot in return). Considering parenthood felt like too much stress to consciously place on that path prior to the pregnancy. We surprised ourselves with how elated we were, how much we saw it as an existential opportunity, and how much we loved them from the moment we found out despite the natural fear and near disbelief. By the first prenatal visit, however, our baby had growth inhibition and it was clear they weren't going to survive. As much as I was shocked to have become pregnant without planning, I was more shocked at my devastation at the loss. We mourned and we grew into knowing this was the right path for our family. I am so grateful to our first child for that gift, and for paving the way for our dear, sweet Rainbow Baby, Penelope.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Parenthood challenged my self-image and my relationship to my body, and I'm still very aware of the choices I am making and the larger impact that they stand to have on the daughter that I want to raise without the trappings of body shame that I managed for so long. I have always had a push-pull, love-hate relationship with my body. As a dancer for many years, my body has given me so much of what I am passionate about - movement and expression - while I was simultaneously combatting an embedded cultural narrative of not being tall, thin, beautiful enough. I've consciously pursued a mindful relationship with my body for a long time, but I really leaned into redefining that concept in pregnancy. I read The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor in my second trimester, and I tried to find ways to practice Radical Self Love that is all at once about overcoming my body shame and being bigger than my body. It helped that I was completely enamored with the biology of gestating another human being and all the fascinating transformation in service of that. I find I do much better on my own - I could and can privately find space to love and admire my body for the mechanism that allowed me to become a mother, but socially I still combat the shame of comparison and self-criticism - without being aware of it, I realized I don't have many photographs of myself from pregnancy, at least not many with my growing belly, and I can now attribute that to my subconscious reckoning with the shame. Postpartum, I'm trying very intentionally to refocus and silence that shame by giving less weight to my (often distorted) perception of my appearance and more to how I feel and what feels good to my body and my self. This project feels like a beautiful reminder of that.
What was your postpartum experience?
Postpartum has been the most testing period of the perinatal period, and I'm certainly still in the middle of managing it. I had a wonderfully pleasant, dare I say enjoyable, pregnancy! The biology of pregnancy, the psychology of preparing to welcome Penelope, and the interpersonal connectedness with my loved ones all made a lot of sense and felt really good. Then, I had a difficult, long, not-as-planned labor and delivery and everything seems to have turned upside down since then. After facing medical issues for my daughter and myself in the first months (which are thankfully resolved), feeling defeated by nursing and opting to breastfeed by exclusively pumping, and battling a sense of unrelenting hypervigilence, intrusive thoughts, and general anxiety both due to circumstance and hormones, I'm still feeling a bit at the whim of perinatal depression and anxiety that have made their home within me. I'm doing better by the week. I have a wonderful formal and informal support network and a lot of privilege to meet my mental health needs, but it's not been easy and it certainly is not what I expected.
As a mental health professional, my shame often creeps in about why in the world I am battling this. I don't feel like I every really adjusted in the past 7 months, but rather that I'm constantly having to do so, and it's tiring. I have moments of feeling full with the reality of Motherhood, and other moments of complete paralysis at the hands of fear and helplessness. I have, however, learned more about the things I need to feel steady, and that putting them into practice takes work. I've learned how to ask for help, which has historically been really difficult for me. Most importantly, I learned that at the root of all the fear and despair is a more powerful love and connection to my daughter than I could have ever conceived of prior to motherhood. And I do trust that it will get us through!
What is your truth?
As hard as I so often try, it's impossible to worry or plan my way into certainty about the future. What's so much more valuable and important than having the answers before the questions even arise is to show up honestly and vulnerably for whatever comes my way. Being a mother and experiencing the vast richness and rawness of nurturing another human being is a humbling, strange and exquisitely beautiful experience. I'd like my former self, and new parents who need to hear it, to be open to the power of just being in the moment that motherhood has thrust upon me - being present with ourselves, our children, our families, and our communities is fundamentally rewarding in itself. I'd remind myself and new parents to try (because, for me at least, it's work!) to trust ourselves, our intuitions, and our intentions to be good enough.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Motherhood has been a wild new chapter in my life, and one that has brought with it many unexpected challenges and even more reward. As an often introverted and private person, I tend to marinate on these momentous and life-changing experiences and process them internally or with a small, intimate community. For a living, I witness people and their stories and I value the process of creating narratives to sustain ourselves and our growth. This story felt too big to keep to myself.