Gabriella Nelson (28 - she/her) and August Gabriel (4 mo)
Philadelphia, PA
“Before getting pregnant with my son, I was pregnant 3 times. Each pregnancy and each loss contributed to my trauma, and my subsequent healing process, in a different way. The first loss hit the hardest emotionally. I experienced severe depression with that one. The second was the most physically painful. If I think hard enough I can feel the pain in my body all over again. It makes me cringe. The third loss broke my heart. It took a while for me to trust my body again. I'm still not completely sure that I do. It’s a process. It’s hard for me to openly speak on these pregnancies. I want to. I think about those babies quite often. I know expressing my experiences may help other women get through what they are going through. But honestly, I am not there yet. One day I will be.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Motherhood has shown me how powerful my body is. I literally grew a baby, went through 31 hours of labor, birthed my baby, and continue to nourish my baby with it. My body has also taught me invaluable lessons on forgiveness. I forgive my body for the ways that I thought it let me down. And I know my body forgives me for the times that I put it through the wringer.
I no longer look at my body as something to be gawked at or admired for how it fits into a pair of jeans. Honestly, I could careless how many reverse crunches I can do or how long I can hold a plank. If I never do another jumping jack or run another mile, I’ll still thank my body in perpetuity. I look at my body as a vessel of bountiful resources; an ecosystem that gives and sustains life. My body has single handedly kept my child alive from inception to this very moment. I am a walking miracle. Useful is an understatement of how important this body is. I have a new switch in my walk now. And my walk is mean. The way my belly jiggles lets people know that comfort lives here. When my breast leak I know that I am living in an overflow. And I fucking love it. My stretch marks, all shades of pink and purple, remind me of how I never folded under pressure. I expanded. Maybe more than I needed to but I still look good!
I love my body and it’s clear as day that my body loves me back. Do I look the same as I did before getting pregnant? Nope! Do I feel the same about myself? Absolutely not. Some days I feel like a goddess. Some days I feel like the Michelin man. But all days I am thankful for this body. Inside and out.
What was your postpartum experience?
I don’t even know where to start. I’m still processing it all. A few days after giving birth, I wrote this: “Nothing went as planned. Not even close. I've never been more scared or felt more guilt in my life. I spent months thinking if I prepared just enough, if I affirmed hard enough, if I prayed long enough, I would experience what I wanted. Well, what I wanted was not what I needed. My son, from the moment he decided he was ready to meet me face to face, has given me a true lesson in motherhood. Sometimes you just have to relinquish control. Let go of your expectations and make room for God to surprise you. My entire pregnancy I prayed for a birth experience that inspired, healed, and transformed me and those involved. I thought I knew what that looked like, what it called for, and I held tight to that. Now I know better. And I'm so grateful to God. Love you kid. Thank you for trusting me. The feeling is mutual.”
At 4 months postpartum, I still struggle with how things went. Sometimes I feel like I deprived my child of the best possible start. I cry thinking about his first moments earth side. I didn’t have that euphoric feeling of satisfaction or a job well done. I didn’t get to hold my child and share that instant connection. I was worried about dying on the operation table like so many women do, especially Black women. I get mad that I allowed emotional roadblocks to limit my ability to open myself up to the birthing process. But I also have sympathy for myself because the months following up to my birth were really hard on my psyche and I did the best that I could. I find myself replaying things over and over again. What could I have done better? Where did things go wrong? But after 31 hours of labor, I did what I had to. I chose my baby over an image of myself that had become elusive. I chose his life over my own. Going into that operating room, I knew that my risks of complications grew dramatically. I had to find peace in that. That is who I am as a mother. I will risk it all for my son. I am proud of myself for that but there is a lot of healing to do.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Be kind to yourself. Show yourself abundant grace. Give yourself time. Time to grieve if you need to. Time to rest and recollect. Time to experience great bliss and freedom. Time to heal through your wounds. If you don’t, you’ll project those wounds onto your child. Pregnancy is not easy, even in the best of circumstances. Never be ashamed or embarrassed about what you are going through. So many women struggle emotionally and physically though pregnancy and postpartum. But even through the storm, there are moments of sweet joy. Bask in those moments. Sit in the sunshine even when it is cold outside. Do what pleases you and gives you peace. Cater to yourself like no other, especially when you are pregnant and the months after. And please do not compare yourself to another soul. You are you. Beautiful, badass, brilliant, bold, blessed, and beloved. Your story will always be uniquely yours. There are no guarantees in this life besides life and death. Through this process, you may find yourself straddling between them both. When you can, always choose life. And when you cannot, take your time. Lean on your tribe. Find the calm amidst the calamity and stay there for a while. But know the sun will shine again.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I chose to participate in this movement as part of my therapy and healing process. I don’t know if I would have asked myself these questions at this moment if not for this movement. Overall, I am so grateful and elated to be a mother. I love my son with every fiber of my being. But momma is hurting somewhere on the inside. So many things have happened since the very moment I found out I was pregnant. So many things have happened even before I got pregnant that have impacted how I experienced my pregnancy, birth, and now motherhood. While pregnant, I didn’t give myself room to address my pain and work through it. I was focused on staying as positive as possible to ensure that my baby didn’t feel the effects of the outside world. Now that my son is here, I have to take the time to get me right. This movement is helping me do that. I am coming to terms, literally writing down, some of the ways that my pregnancy and birth have impacted me. But I am also taking the time to celebrate me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Despite it all, I am thriving and so is my baby. I am proud of me. I am proud of my son. And I must capture that.