Nancy Goodman (36 - she/her), Lillian (5), Judah (4), and Benjamin (2)
Washington, DC
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I did not know how strong I was until I experienced pregnancy and labor. Experiencing being pushed so far past what I thought I could do and getting to the other side taught me to trust my body in a way I never had before. I’ve always been “heavy,” “curvy,” “thick,” but in bearing children I learned what those hips, that belly, the breasts were for beyond just hiding under clothes. My body cradled babies, endured labor, and then sustained them. I am still so in awe of it.
Nine months after Judah was born, I - who had never done anything remotely athletic in my life - walked into a CrossFit gym for a women’s weightlifting class. I learned to harness all that power I had discovered in myself in a way that reminds me every time I’m in the gym how grateful I am for this body. My size hasn’t changed that much, the number on the scale hasn’t really budged, but my shape has changed and my power has only grown. I’m so thankful to my babies for giving me the gift of loving my body.
This is also why I’ve become a birth doula. I love supporting women in the process of birth, helping them to explore their strength. And the magic of seeing a woman fall in love with herself in a new way when she meets her baby is truly the most amazing thing!
What was your postpartum experience?
I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed at 18 years old and spent many years pushing the boundaries of my own mental healthcare. By 30 years old I was in a really good place. Coming off my meds under supervision in order to get pregnant was so hard and took so many months that there were times I didn’t think I would be able to biologically have children.
When finally pregnant, I was so healthy. Things were so even and wonderful, like my brain - which I’d never been able to fully trust - was saying, “I’ve got this.” It seemed to just keep going after pregnancy as the hormones continued to carry me. It helped that I was only three months postpartum with Lily when I found out I was pregnant with Judah. I hadn’t gone back on meds so there was no issue, and my body just kicked right back in.
The trick is that at some point postpartum those hormonal supports that were protecting me were going to fall out from under me. After both Judah and Benjamin, within weeks of weaning (breastfeeding was a struggle, so 4 mos and 6 mos respectively) I found myself on a manic roller coaster. With Judah, I addressed it quickly and effectively, but in my last postpartum period I had a manic episode that included rages, paranoia, marriage-testing accusations and aggression toward my husband who was struggling to support me. It took six months to get medications right, to climb back to myself, to pick up the pieces, for my brain to heal, and to heal the hurting hearts.
Most devastatingly, my older kids witnessed my struggle for the first time. They saw me shatter my phone, punch the wall, scream and cry, not be able to get out of bed for days. As I began to heal, we had good conversations, and they were both curious and overwhelmingly gracious. But now I realize what kind of impact my mental health is going to have on them. I had thought about the possibility of genetically passing down bipolar disorder, but somehow I had not seen before that they will also live with my bipolar disorder for the rest of my life. I’m preparing us through therapy and open conversation for future episodes and struggles, while trying so hard to stay on top of my own self-care and medical therapy, but I get scared when I think about the future.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
The measure of success in parenthood isn’t loving every minute of it, it is simply putting one foot in front of the other each day. There is so much joy, but there are so many struggles and it’s okay to embrace those too. Just keep moving. The 3am feeding will end, the biting toddler will stop, the therapy will bring results, just keep moving. Be honest with yourself and others, show yourself grace, do your best, and let go of what you can because whatever it is will only weigh you down.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I have found so much grace and peace in motherhood, and so much power. At the same time, I have never felt more vulnerable. It feels like the world can see my “shortcomings” so much more plainly. It is scary to watch these little people I love so much learn to be themselves, and to know they see me so close up. And I want to set the example for them that we can honestly hold multiple truths about ourselves at the same time: vulnerability and power, fear and strength, doubt and confidence. I just want to model that honesty for them, and I know so many are with me in that desire.