Rebecca Mahoney (34 - she/her). Mother to Nathan (4) and Jude (14 mo - pictured) Rebecca is a past project participant. You can view her previous image and story here.
Boston, MA {Virtual FaceTime session}
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
I terminated my third pregnancy in March 2020.
Two weeks before quarantine, my period was two weeks late. I took a pregnancy test in a Starbucks bathroom and it was positive. I honestly didn’t think it was possible for me to get pregnant again without intervention, so it was truly shocking. My mental health deteriorated immediately.
Jude turned 1 on March 3rd and I had an abortion on March 6th. His birthday party was the last event most of our friends attended before the COVID19 lockdown. After IVF, a challenging pregnancy, PPD, an abortion and then a global pandemic, I never got a chance to process anything. Everything feels like a distant memory, but it’s all very fresh. I know we made the right decision, but I’m yet to grieve a life that could have been.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I live in a unique place of experiencing infertility as well as abortion. I believe every person should have access to fertility in whatever way they need, whether that be assistive reproduction or termination. My story is not necessarily unique, but it’s rarely discussed.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I have a complicated history with my body. I struggled with disordered eating and body dysmorphia since I was a child. My husband and I decided to try for our first baby when I was finally in a space where I felt healthy enough to do so. We got pregnant on our first try. I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy, labor and delivery. The weight came off quickly and I "bounced back" remarkably. Breastfeeding was easy. I loved being a mom and was in awe of what my body was capable of.
A year and a half later, we decided to try again. It took a year of trying, several failed IUIs and IVF to get pregnant a second time. I had never heard of "Unexplained Secondary Infertility", but we were living it. I fell right back into the comfortable arms of my eating disorder as I struggled through a challenging pregnancy. I felt like I was at war with my body. From struggling to get pregnant, to hemorrhaging through my first trimester, to Gestational Diabetes, then to recurrent mastitis and thrush, my brain and my body were not working in harmony. I first participated in this project when I was 10 months postpartum. I didn’t know it, but I was pregnant in the photos. We decided to terminate that pregnancy, but now several months later I am still rebuilding my relationships with this body. My body is good, my body is right, my body has been through a lot and keeps fighting.
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum experiences were very different from one another. After Nathan was born, I was so excited to be a mom. He nursed well and gained quickly. The weight fell off of me and I felt line myself pretty quickly. I was so in love with him that it outweighed most doubts. After a very tumultuous pregnancy with Jude with various complications, I felt completely separated from my body after he was born and struggled to connect to my life with 2 beautiful children. Like none of it was mine. I had 3 rounds of mastitis in 9 weeks and eventually decided to wean. When I went back to work, I found myself incredibly overwhelmed and tearful. At 6 months postpartum, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and started medication and got back to therapy. I had decided not to go back on birth control and was secretly hoping for one of those miracle surprise babies everyone tells you stories about when you’re going through IVF. Then at 10 months postpartum, I found out I was pregnant. I was not elated. I was terrified and cried for a week straight. My husband and I decided that we needed to prioritize my own mental health and our living children and decided to terminate. It was a really hard decision, but ultimately the best for our family.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Trust yourself. You make the best decisions for yourself and your family.