Brielle

Brielle (38 - she/her), Gray (5) and Cade (2)

Albuquerque, NM {Virtual Session} Brielle is repeat project participant. You can view her previous photograph and story in our archives.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has filled me with pride and has had a mostly positive impact on my body image. I am still amazed at what my body has accomplished in growing and feeding two humans, and now growing a third. Having experienced two cesareans and some complications during pregnancy and birth, I know I can do anything. My body may look different than it did before and I'm perfectly happy with that. I do not look the same physically and I am not the same mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. While I may not have had the births I initially hoped for, I am proud of my body and my cesarean births.

What was your postpartum experience?

Adjusting to my first child was challenging initially, both physically and mentally. Nursing him was difficult and I needed lots of support to help us find our groove. I struggled to rediscover myself in my new body and mind, and in my new role as a mother. In my second pregnancy, I really struggled with my mental health. I didn't realize it was that serious until I mentioned my harmful thoughts to my partner who was incredibly supportive. I sought help and decided to talk about it at any chance I was given. In opening myself up to others I discovered how many other people had similar experiences.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Most of these phases will pass. Being sick during pregnancy, scared or nervous before birth, uncomfortable/unsure in your new body or mind, meeting your baby and your new self, living on no sleep - all these things will pass. Seek help and talk about your challenges, there is no shame is needing support.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

The pandemic put me in a dark place for a while. Through talking with my partner, mother, friends, and my doctor I started to feel hopeful again. I changed my birth control and looked into medication which really helped too.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I love seeing and reading about parents who are different from me. We are all doing our best and are likely charting the unknown. I wish our society operated on more of the 'village' mentality, but since it doesn't, I will be the 'village' whenever I can be.

Liberty Pfeil

Liberty Pfeil (29 - she/her) and Leyawiin (3)

Austin, TX {Virtual session captured via CLOS}

Liberty is a repeat participant. You can view her previous image and story in our archives.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I hate that my stretch marks are asymmetrical, and sometimes I miss my pre-baby breasts. But my body is a goddess, and I have been home to a wonderful little human. We are nursing strong at 3 years and 2 months and there's a power there that you can't describe. My child loves my soft body; what else really matters?

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum, while far from 'easy', was easy for ME. I had 3 partners (I am polyamorous), a partners partner, a midwife, and a lactation consultant all in my corner. I was able to rest, bond, shower, eat, and everything new parents SHOULD have. I know that's a privilege, and fully affected my appreciation of how much care and love I received.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

I am soft and strong and everything in-between. I am not my mother, and I'm reminded of that every time my child calls my name and smiles at me. This is hard, and beautiful, and it being hard doesn't mean you're bad at it.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

Covid quarantine made some parents of parenting easier, and others harder. My partner, Robert, that never raised children of his own, has been a fantastic father and we are hoping for a child of our own. My ex husband and I got divorced at the beginning of 2021, because of many many things, covid being one of them. We split before we could no longer be in the same room, for Leyas sake. It has been a roller coaster, but a good one.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I am taking back some independence I lost in my marriage. I am celebrating 3 years of nursing my little one and the start of a new me.

Kirsten Hagopian

Kirsten Hagopian (38 - she/her), Ella (7), Andrew (6), Sophie (15 months). Kirsten has participated twice before in Ann Arbor and Detroit. You can view her previous images and stories in our archives.

Michigan {Virtual photoshoot captured via CLOS}

“I have been pregnant 5 times, and have 3 children. The losses are very difficult for me to put into words. One by choice, one not. I was surprised to feel grief with these losses, but going through it helped me to get more educated about loss. It doesn't need to be taboo, and I hope people one day will no longer feel shame around their loss, chosen or not.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Each of my births has resulted in different feelings around my body. A mixture of depression and awe. Depressed for no longer fitting into the image forced on women, depressed that I hated looking in the mirror, and awe in the fact that I grew humans AND was able to breastfeed them. My second child was finally diagnosed with CP at the age of 3, suspected perinatal stroke (but will never know for certain). I spent a lot of time beating myself up over not protecting him when we shared a body, and even more, time beating myself up that it took 3 years to get a diagnosis. I understand now that this is just part of our story, and our path is ours for a reason. By my third baby, the depression was thankfully absent, and I only see someone who has earned their stripes. I've talked to so many birthing parents over the years and made it a point to be vulnerable in these conversations. Doing this showed me just how similar many of us feel after giving birth. I believe this played a tremendous role in me looking in the mirror right after surgery with mesh underwear on, a fresh new wound on my belly, brand new stretch marks, third baby at the breast, and smiling.

What was your postpartum experience?

3 C-sections later and I have finally accepted that there is nothing wrong with me for not being able to have a vaginal delivery. My first two labors resulted in hours of pushing followed by surgery. The pain of recovering from all the pushing on top of being cut open was more than I expected. With my third, I opted for a scheduled cesarean, and it was everything a C-section should be. I was able to have a clear drape and immediate skin to skin in the OR. I was asked for consent for everything instead of being told what was going to happen. I was able to breastfeed as soon as we left the OR, and have been going strong ever since. Recovery round three resulted in less need for the giant pads, but more pain meds. I had my tubes removed during my C-section and wonder if that caused the pain to be more significant this time. My husband was thankfully able to take a month off to help, and I was able to take 6 months total before returning to work full time.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

So many things I would love to tell myself before having my first baby. It's okay to not love everything about pregnancy, birthing, and parenting. Be gentle to yourself. When the unsolicited advice rolls your way speak up and tell that person you didn't ask their opinion. Parenting is not and will never be one size fits all, and there are many people who will try to make you feel like their way is "right". Be supportive of other parents even if you would choose to parent differently, and you will gain a beautiful tribe because of this.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

My third was born at the end of December 2019. Just 3 months into her life and the world was shut down. I miss the day-to-day freedom of life before Covid, and I get sad at times that she still has not met all of her family, but I would not change a thing. It's been wonderful to be home with her like this. I have the luxury of working from home for the foreseeable future, and I have not had to put her in daycare. My first two were in daycare at 12 weeks old, and I hated having to leave them so soon. Witnessing every milestone, really being able to soak up in her infant stage, it has been wonderful. Honestly, the hardest part of Covid has been navigating virtual school with my two oldest and missing out on the therapy for my CP child.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

How could I miss the chance to document the final babe, and maybe inspire other birthing parents to learn to love their story?! This project is so special, and I am honored to have been able to share again.

Rebecca Mahoney

Rebecca Mahoney (34 - she/her). Mother to Nathan (4) and Jude (14 mo - pictured) Rebecca is a past project participant. You can view her previous image and story here.

Boston, MA {Virtual FaceTime session}

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

I terminated my third pregnancy in March 2020.

Two weeks before quarantine, my period was two weeks late. I took a pregnancy test in a Starbucks bathroom and it was positive. I honestly didn’t think it was possible for me to get pregnant again without intervention, so it was truly shocking. My mental health deteriorated immediately.

Jude turned 1 on March 3rd and I had an abortion on March 6th. His birthday party was the last event most of our friends attended before the COVID19 lockdown. After IVF, a challenging pregnancy, PPD, an abortion and then a global pandemic, I never got a chance to process anything. Everything feels like a distant memory, but it’s all very fresh. I know we made the right decision, but I’m yet to grieve a life that could have been.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I live in a unique place of experiencing infertility as well as abortion. I believe every person should have access to fertility in whatever way they need, whether that be assistive reproduction or termination. My story is not necessarily unique, but it’s rarely discussed.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

I have a complicated history with my body. I struggled with disordered eating and body dysmorphia since I was a child. My husband and I decided to try for our first baby when I was finally in a space where I felt healthy enough to do so. We got pregnant on our first try. I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy, labor and delivery. The weight came off quickly and I "bounced back" remarkably. Breastfeeding was easy. I loved being a mom and was in awe of what my body was capable of. ⁠ ⁠

A year and a half later, we decided to try again. It took a year of trying, several failed IUIs and IVF to get pregnant a second time. I had never heard of "Unexplained Secondary Infertility", but we were living it. I fell right back into the comfortable arms of my eating disorder as I struggled through a challenging pregnancy. I felt like I was at war with my body. From struggling to get pregnant, to hemorrhaging through my first trimester, to Gestational Diabetes, then to recurrent mastitis and thrush, my brain and my body were not working in harmony. I first participated in this project when I was 10 months postpartum. I didn’t know it, but I was pregnant in the photos. We decided to terminate that pregnancy, but now several months later I am still rebuilding my relationships with this body. My body is good, my body is right, my body has been through a lot and keeps fighting.

What was your postpartum experience?

My postpartum experiences were very different from one another. After Nathan was born, I was so excited to be a mom. He nursed well and gained quickly. The weight fell off of me and I felt line myself pretty quickly. I was so in love with him that it outweighed most doubts. After a very tumultuous pregnancy with Jude with various complications, I felt completely separated from my body after he was born and struggled to connect to my life with 2 beautiful children. Like none of it was mine. I had 3 rounds of mastitis in 9 weeks and eventually decided to wean. When I went back to work, I found myself incredibly overwhelmed and tearful. At 6 months postpartum, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and started medication and got back to therapy. I had decided not to go back on birth control and was secretly hoping for one of those miracle surprise babies everyone tells you stories about when you’re going through IVF. Then at 10 months postpartum, I found out I was pregnant. I was not elated. I was terrified and cried for a week straight. My husband and I decided that we needed to prioritize my own mental health and our living children and decided to terminate. It was a really hard decision, but ultimately the best for our family.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Trust yourself. You make the best decisions for yourself and your family.

Ashley Marie

Ashley Marie (30 - she/her). Mother to Solana (6), Mercy (2), and Anastasia (1)

Chicago, IL

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I don’t really know. Am I happy with my body? Meh Am I proud of what my body has done? YES, but there will always be a part of me that misses that fit pre baby body

What was your postpartum experience?

Rough, I experienced PPD or PPA after every pregnancy. Intrusive thoughts, mood swings, you know all the stuff they try to pass off as “baby blues”, but sure the heck is not. It’s common though and needs to be talked about more. I speak up now, because I want people to know it’s ok to have these thoughts and it’s important to seek help, if needed. There’s absolutely no shame in it. We legit can’t help it.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

One day you are going to want all the babies and it’s exhausting, but totally worth it. To new parents...I’d say follow your intuition and relax, everything doesn’t need to be perfect and the opinions or advice of others is usually crap. Find what works for you not them.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

After my first babe I was struggling and needed to feel like a person again. I forgot about myself and I needed to remember that I was still more than just a parent. I needed to not only accept my new body, but find the power in it. I loved the mission behind the 4th Trimester Bodies Project. This photo was taken after my second child was born. I now have one more.

My second child was also my second cesarean (my FAILED VBAC). I was so upset and anxious after being told you need to have another cesarean and that feeling stayed with me for a long time. I actually had an anxiety attack on the operating table. I had given up control over my body again, when I knew I could do it. I walked into the hospital at 9cm and interventions were immediately pushed on me. I had never met the midwife before and she walked in, took one look at me asked me my height and weight, walked away and said I couldn’t give birth naturally. I denied the interventions repeatedly and then was told well if you do this you’ll have baby in 15 minutes. That didn’t happen and after around 10 more hours of labor, I was told I had to go in for another cesarean my “trial of labor after cesarean” was over. I was devastated and it led me back to my 4th Tri group.

I now have one more child and it was supposed to be my healing birth. I successfully delivered at home, but it was a precipitous birth with a little hiccup. I love being able to say, I proved those people wrong and did what I knew I my body could do. I still have fears for the next birth (if there is one) and am worried about the likelihood of another precipitous birth.

Vanessa Young

Vanessa Young (33 - she/her), Tristram (4), Oriana (2), and Leoric (3 months)

You can view Vanessa’s original image from 2018 here.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Pregnancy and parenthood have evolved my body image into awe and respect for what my body is able to do. But it was not a straight path arriving there. After my first being premature I viewed my body as a failure in many ways and did not show it the respect it deserved. Following my second I regained some hope in my body’s ability to grow another human to term, but still did not show it the love it deserved postpartum pushing too much too soon. Finally after my third I have come to stand in awe after a full term pregnancy and surprise breech birth, along with a true healing sacred fourth trimester. Now I remind myself daily that the softer belly held 3 sweet souls, the heavy sagging breasts have nourished all 3 and the extra wrinkles and gray hair are from loving and laughing with my 3 little loves.

What was your postpartum experience?

My first postpartum experience had nothing to do with me and everything to do with survival with a baby in NICU. It included a year of denial of my mental health and the burden of PTSD and PPA. With therapy in place my second postpartum experience was slightly better until the anxiety crept in around 2 months. I also pushed my body too far too soon resulting in pelvic floor weakness that took a year to discover and resolve with physical therapy. My third I wanted to finally give myself that time to heal and did with the support of a postpartum doula, family and friends. I finally decided to reach out for support of medication after PPA and PPD presented at that 2 month mark. While humbling, I so wish I had added the support of antidepressants after my first. I am grateful that now I can enjoy my children and create memories vs being anxious and teary most days.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

It is ok to ask for help and you are so powerful and strong. How is it was for me to fall into the trap of thinking I wasn’t enough or could do it all myself, when so many are willing to support and I am more than enough. I hope all new parents can see their strength.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I believe in unveiling the truth behind postpartum in all its raw beauty and love the way Ash so artistically does this. The first time participating was so powerful for me in my parenthood journey I knew I had to do it once my family was complete.

Leah Carter Bennett

Leah Carter Bennett (42 - she/her), Audrey Rose (10), and Eliana Faith (8)

Leah is a repeat participant. You can view her previous photos and stories here.

Philadelphia, PA

“I miscarried very early into my second pregnancy in October of 2010. I was only about 5 weeks along when I started bleeding. Audrey was 16 months old. We were trying and had just found out I was pregnant so there was joy turned immediately to disappointment. My father had just died so it was a weird time. My dad was equal parts hilarious and awful so I was processing those feelings of losing a parent (sadness) who was pretty abusive and neglectful to me (anger). I was a little bummed about the miscarriage but honestly I am a firm believer that at that stage of a pregnancy it’s really just a bunch of cells so I was not yet attached. It takes me a while to bond anyway as my bonding abilities are kind of damaged from being a survivor of childhood trauma. So, I feel really guilty that the loss was not horrible for me. I have so many lovely friends who are very upset and torn apart by miscarriage. I really felt, and still feel, that something was wrong with me because I did not grieve like I felt I should have. It was so early, I never even heard a heart beat and I didn’t even need a DNC because I was able to pass everything without a problem. I also had a very active 17 month old I was taking care of so I didn’t really have time to think about the loss. All of those things combined with the fact that we got pregnant immediately after the miscarriage made the loss uneventful if that makes any sense. However, I still feel very bad about myself that it really did not affect me much. Almost as if I am not maternal enough or I am emotionally broken in some way. These are actually themes which have followed me throughout motherhood. That feeling that I am not loving my kids enough and I’m too broken to be a good mom.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I have never been one to really care too much about how my body looks. I think I have had such a hard time dealing with mental illness (severe Depression, Anxiety, OCD, ADHD, Trich) worrying about what I look like has been the least of my worries! I have always struggled with my personality and being weird and not fitting in because of my bizarre sense of humor and awkwardness. I have always felt I was sort of pretty and I never understood why I had so much trouble finding partners growing up. I never had tons of boyfriends or girlfriends. My first relationship was a very intense partnership with a girl named Bethany when I was 16. That lasted two years. Even though I am married to a man I still identify as not straight or bisexual if I had to label it but I hate labels. I see sexuality as a spectrum and very much love intimacy with whomever I feel attracted to. I give zero fucks what someone pees out of.

I have always loved curves. I love my hips and thick thighs and ample bottom. I find comfort in thickness. My grandmother was the only amazing mother figure in my life growing up. My mother, due to her young age, trauma, severe mental illness and zero support from family could not raise me so my grandmother did this until my father remarried when I was 11. My stepmother was awful so my grandmother was the only maternal love I have ever felt in my life. Anyway, she was zaftig. Her parts were soft and plump. Even as a gangly 10 year old I would crawl up into her lap and she would rock me like a baby. So many amazing feelings of comfort and love came from these moments. So I view lots of skin and rolls as positive and beautiful. I gained a lot of weight after both my girls were born. I did not hate my body but I did not like how I felt. It was hard to move and be active. I elected to have the gastric sleeve surgery to help me shed the extra 80 pounds because I have so much trouble with diets and I needed help. I lost 75 pounds and I definitely feel physically comfortable again. I am still thick and considered obese but I feel so much better and I love every roll and curve and jiggle.

Another part of accepting my body has to do with a mental illness I have called Trichotillomania. It is anxiety induced hair pulling. I began pulling my eyelashes at around 6 as a coping mechanism for the trauma I was experiencing. By the time I was in my 30’s and I was in the throes of postpartum depression, I was pulling out clumps of my head hair. I actually had more sadness and self-loathing over not having hair than I did with my growing belly and thighs. I know I don’t have to say it but our beauty standards in America are so fucked and based on toxic masculinity and what men think is attractive. A woman is suppose to have long flowing hair. It has been said that a woman’s hair is her crowning glory or some shit. And so many people are obsessed with long hair on women. So I really struggled with the hair loss. I hid it. I wore wigs. I tried to cut it all different ways to hide the bald patches. I bought a million head wraps and hats. This dance went on for several years. So much self hate was involved in this struggle. Finally one day I fucking shaved it. My whole entire head. Now I mostly keep it shaved. Sometimes I let it grow a few inches but then I start getting itchy and have to shave it again. Shaving my head makes me so happy. It removes the urge to pull. It feels great. I feel powerful and different and awesome. And I give zero fucks. It also quickly weeds out the awesome people from the assholes in my life. If you hate my bald head I don’t have room for you in my life. If you are supportive and love it, well you are my people.

Lastly, I really think about my kids a lot when it comes to body image and the things I say about my body and others bodies and what messages I am instilling in their heads. so parenthood has made me be very careful to say positive things about my body and my bald head and to show them stories of people who are differently abled doing cool things like living with joy or fighting to be seen. I strive to raise my children to question cultural norms and standards. I want to show my girls that different is awesome and needs to be supported and normalized.

What was your postpartum experience?

My postpartum experience with both girls is a blur. It was hard and scary and hard and exhausting. We now refer to it as survival mode. I was an emotional and psychological mess. I had very bad postpartum Depression and Anxiety with Audrey. I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to kill myself. I was worried all the time about Audrey. I cried constantly. I don’t remember much because everything was overwhelming. Postpartum was a bit better with Ellie because I was medicated but we later found out I was on psych meds that really didn’t work for me so it was still hard. Especially because I was mothering two babies ages 2 and newborn. And of course with all this difficulty and trouble remembering this time period comes mass amounts of guilt. Guilt that it’s a fog that I can’t remember much about. Guilt that motherhood during that stage did not look like what I wanted it to and what I felt it was suppose to; sweet, ethereal, smiles and hugs and coos. A desire to do it all over again. I always say I carry my guilt around with me daily in a little backpack on my back. If I didn’t feel guilty every damn day I wouldn’t know how to feel. There is a dysfunctional comfort in perpetually blaming yourself. Having a difficult postpartum period with both girls still takes up a lot of room in my backpack of guilt.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

I have so many truths! Like ALL the TRUTHS! Life is hard, beautiful, heartbreaking and hilarious. I am weird. I struggle and that’s okay. I’m not quite straight. I laugh a lot and at stuff I probably shouldn’t laugh at. I love nachos. I take an inordinate amount of naps. I talk way too much. I say fuck more than your average sailor. I constantly argue with God because I don't understand what he is even doing and I hate organized religion. I am the face of mental illness. I am very medicated. Sometimes I am so depressed I can't even get out of bed to shower and sometimes this overwhelming sadness and lack of personal hygiene lasts for days. I am scared of death. But, I love hard and I am finding joy; small glimpses of joy, every day. Some days I have to look harder for joy than other days. My kids bring me joy. I love them so much it hurts. Hearing others say that I have really helped them feel less alone and crazy and isolated brings me immense joy. Making people laugh brings me joy. I have good days. I have not so good days. But I am a survivor and I must keep going for my kids. I must keep going so I can continue to shout my truths (especially my love for nachos) and to always help the hurting and the marginalized.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I am so in love with this project and movement. Participating in this project is incredibly important to me for so many reasons. My main reason is of course to talk about navigating parenthood with mental illness and share some things, very real thoughts and feelings that many of us have but do not talk about out of fear. Fear of being judged, fear of embarrassment, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of talking about reality, fear of getting our children taken away…..so much fear. I also want to obliterate the stigmas about parenting with mental illness; stigmas that say it can’t be done or that people with mental illness are not worthy of being parents or that we are going to somehow hurt our children and should not have children. I mean I get it; there is a small percentage of severely mentally ill parents who do harm their children. And those sensationalized news stories are heartbreaking and terrifying. But maybe, just maybe, if we talk about mental illness more and strive to help, support and connect with those who are struggling we may see less hurt. If I can share my journey and it reaches another human who is struggling and hiding in the shadows and pretending to be okay and they feel less alone and encouraged to seek help then I can die happy.

Maggie Stevens

Maggie Stevens (40 - she/her), Sano (6), JoJo (4), and Benji (1.5). You can view Maggies original photo and story from 2018 here.

New York | Vermont

“I miscarried my second pregnancy and it was one of the loneliest experiences of my life. I recently read about microchimeric cells and it has brought me a kind of peace. I love the idea that if someone were to take a deep dive into my cells, the baby I miscarried would look just the same as the three children I have. It's so awesome to think that I will forever carry around cells from each of my babies within me.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Before having kids I didn't spend too much time thinking about my body -- I was more critical of it than I should have been, but I have always been healthy and able. Now everything is bigger and softer and I'm learning to love and accept that. I absolutely appreciate how kick ass it is that I grew and nursed three babies and am generally not too hard on myself anymore. I eat well, am active and don't abuse my body in ways I did when I was younger, so if this is what my body looks like in the lifestyle I'm comfortable in, I need to learn to be comfortable in my body.

What was your postpartum experience? 

My third postpartum journey has been the most challenging. Nurturing three young children leaves little time or energy for much else, which has opened the door for both my postpartum anxiety and parenting guilt to rear their ugly heads. My anxiety constantly tries to tell me that the tragic demise of my family is imminent. Taking the kids to school, a walk in the woods, driving past a truck on the highway, my husband arriving five minutes late -- these are all met with intrusive thoughts. I often wonder if I've always been anxious but could quell the thoughts better because I didn't have as much to lose before having a family. Is anxiety the price I am paying for the tremendous joy my family brings to me?

And the guilt -- there is such a gap between the parent I want to be and the parent I see myself as. Every night when I go to bed I run through the day in my head and promise myself I will be better tomorrow. More patient, more kind, more present. My aim is not to be perfect, but to treat my kids the way I want to be treated and the way I want them to treat others, and so many days I feel I've missed the mark. I so often feel like I am still waiting to hit my stride as a parent and am curious if that ever really happens.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

You are everything your child needs. I still need to remind myself of this regularly. I am constantly humbled by the weight of this privilege when my children turn to me after a rough day, or when they are super proud of something, or need help getting to sleep. The knowledge that, of all the people in the world, their great joys and struggles can all be made a bit better by me, is such a gift.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

The joy and love and fulfillment of parenthood are real and so easy to find on social media. But postpartum anxiety is also real. Miscarriages are real. Loneliness is real. And these things are just as important to talk about as the joy and the love, but harder to find on social platforms. Ash has created a safe space to do just that, talk about the tough stuff. A space to find a community that supports every facet of parenthood, the joys and the challenges. A movement to celebrate the things that make us different and the things that bring us together. A movement where parents can speak their truth without judgement. It's such an honor to be a part of this.

Katy Luscombe

Katy Luscombe (34 - she/her). Mother to Flynn (6) and Phoebe (4). Currently 31 weeks pregnant. Katy is a previous project participant, you can see her photos and stories from 2015 and 2013 here.

Boston, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Parenthood has continued to teach me to respect and value my body for all of the amazing and miraculous growth and changes it has undergone. Growing up as an athlete, it was drilled into my mind, body, and soul to be active and physically fit at all times. Somewhere along the way, this morphed into equating my self worth with being thin. Gaining weight and watching my body stretch and grow to accommodate a developing human was difficult for me.

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant for the third time, and am continuing to struggle with my changing body just as much as I did with my first pregnancy nearly seven years ago. Throughout pregnancy, I am constantly plagued with the thought that I will never again return to the body that I was comfortable in prior to becoming pregnant. Which is an ironic thought, because I am my own worst critic and always want to be thinner and more toned and have very rarely been truly comfortable in my own skin. With each pregnancy, I have been left in awe of what my body accomplished. However, it is only after I have returned to my average size and look back at pictures of my pregnant self that I am able to see the beauty that was my body growing and nurturing my children.

As I have gone further down the road of parenthood, I have reflected on what my body has accomplished and how I want my children to see their bodies. The older and more experienced at parenting I have become, I have learned to show myself grace and treat myself with the love and compassion that I show my children and their own bodies. My hope is that by working to change my own mindset and value my body for all of the good things it can accomplish, my children will do the same and hopefully not become fixated on just how their bodies look.

What was your postpartum experience? 

Postpartum has been a tricky road for me. After the birth of my son in 2013, I experienced postpartum depression and chose to utilize medication to aid my brain in getting back on track. I struggled to bond with my son and felt like an absolute failure as a mother. After the birth of my daughter in 2015, I again experienced emotional postpartum difficulties, but they were not as severe as what I had previously experienced. I bonded with her quickly and felt settled more in my roll of mother and caretaker. I refused to go back on the antidepressants that had helped me previously because I was nursing and felt like I could manage on my own. Eventually, the depression and anxiety I was experiencing caused me to seek help. In the fall of 2017, I made the decision to begin medication and counseling.

Since I was still nursing my daughter, my doctor and I made the decision to start a commonly prescribed anti-depressant for nursing mothers rather than have me start my previous medication. Unfortunately, I had a terrible reaction to the new medication after one dose. This then caused my mental and physical health to quickly spiral out of control as I fought to find the best approach to manage the hell that had become my life. After many months of medication trial and error and counseling sessions, I felt like I had a handle on the dysthymia and panic disorder that had been ruling my life.

In 2019, I discovered I was pregnant for a third time. My mind immediately fast forwarded to the postpartum period. I started thinking about what I could do proactively to better ensure that my mental health remained stable throughout the pregnancy and beyond. Through consultation with my midwives and behavioral health team, we made the decision for me to continue taking an antidepressant throughout my pregnancy. While this was not the journey I had taken throughout my first two pregnancies, it felt needed and right for this current pregnancy. My plan is to continue my medication through the postpartum period and seek counseling support as needed.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

My truth that I would pass along to my former self is to show yourself grace and recognize your own value. You do not have to strive for perfection in every moment of every day. You are always enough. Some moments you may be a rockstar of a parent, and other moments you may be scraping the bottom of the barrel to simply survive. Both moments, and all of the moments in between, are imperfectly perfect.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

This is my third time participating in this movement. Each time I feel like I have wanted to bring to light a different aspect of my story. When I participated in 2013 with my son, I wanted to share our experience of formula feeding. I had always dreamed of the beautiful bond I would create through breastfeeding my child, and I was absolutely crushed when our journey led us down a different path. I experienced tremendous amounts of shame, guilt, and failure as a formula feeding parent and I wanted to show other formula feeding families that it is normal and ok to nurture babies with a bottle and formula. When I participated in 2015 with both my son and daughter, I wanted to share that it is possible to create a successful breastfeeding relationship after having an exclusive formula feeding relationship with a previous child. I also shared my difficulties with postpartum anxiety and depression. In 2020, I am motivated to share my ever evolving relationship with my body, my growth with mental health awareness and management, and to celebrate my body as it nurtures and grows a precious human for the final time.

Kayla Mundt

Kayla Mundt (30 - she/her), Judah (5), Sawyer (2), and Levi (1). You can view Kayla’s original photo and story from 2015 here.

New Orleans, LA

“My first ultrasound with my second pregnancy was at 9 weeks. I instantly knew something was off, but the tech just told us we would have to go down the street to my OB’s office for the results. Then she told us, “there’s no heartbeat.” The baby measured exactly 9 weeks, but had no heartbeat. We held onto so much hope that the ultrasound was an error for a whole week before I started cramping. I had been planning a home birth and wanted to miscarry unmedicated if possible.

I delivered the baby and placenta at home in the middle of the night. Baby was in the amniotic sac, and both baby and placenta were whole. We were able to bury baby and it helped me emotionally heal. It was hard being the first of my friends (that I knew of) to miscarry and not having an idea of what to expect. I think what was most unexpected and difficult was after. The postpartum return to hormonal regularity still happens. The mood swings and postpartum anxiety, even though baby wasn’t term or on earth. My friends and family were so supportive but didn’t personally understand and that felt isolating. I planned on giving my body a month of normal cycle to reset before trying to conceive again, but we surprisingly conceived within the month with our rainbow baby.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Before having children, when I looked at my body, all I could see was how I wished it were different. I wished it were curvier and softer and flatter and fuller. Now I have so much respect and adoration for my body. It is far less “perfect” by societal standards, but all I see if power. The unstoppable force that carries and delivered my perfect babies. I see the commitment to be patient and carry beyond my limits. I see the sacrifice and selflessness of their deliveries. I see the body that has sustained and grown life for five years. I see the reminders that we grow and change and bend but don’t break. I think it’s beautiful.

What is your truth?

You have everything you need. Deep in your gut and your heart and your soul, you know your baby better than anyone. And you were made for this.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I participated in 2015 to celebrate my body and accomplishments as a mother of one. My journey to motherhood was emotionally difficult with our NICU baby. This project and helped me heal and honor that journey. Now, I’ve come so much further and so much more in love with my body and babies.