Harley Maher (29 - they/them) and Keagan (1)
Des Moines, Iowa {Virtual FaceTime session}
“I had an abortion at age 24, when I was with an ex. We had just moved in together the summer before, and neither of us were at a point where we were ready to be parents. When we had first started dating, I’d made it fairly clear that I didn’t want to have children until after marriage, and he agreed to that. So when I found out I was pregnant, he supported me choosing to have an abortion. It’s a decision I’m glad I made, as my ex and I are no longer together and I’ve always known I only wanted one child.
It took me up until earlier this year to open up about the abortion, because of the huge stigma of shame that surrounds abortion and the fear I felt of judgement from my family. Now that I’ve talked about it about as publicly as I can, I feel a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I’m also glad to now be a voice to show others that they don’t have to hide their experience, and that it’s okay to talk about it in their own time.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
As a nonbinary parent, it has been a roller coaster regarding my body image. I’ve always been viewed as a woman due to my shape, and pregnancy didn’t help with that. I was very thankful that I didn’t show at all in my first trimester, or much of the second. It gave me time to work through any dysphoria and come to terms with my body and what changes it was going through. There are still days that I struggle, but honestly going through pregnancy brought me closer to loving myself and my shape than a lot of other events in life, and I’m grateful for that.
What was your postpartum experience?
Stressful. Keagan ended up in NICU less than 24 hours after they were born, and we were there for five days trying to get their blood sugar to a stable level. During this time, I dealt with a falling out with my father and his wife, who felt that I was personally attacking them by standing my ground when it comes to using neutral pronouns for Keagan until they can express a desire for something else. They felt entitled to know what genitals Keagan has, and that isn’t information I felt comfortable giving, knowing they would use gendered language once they knew. I haven’t spoken to anyone on my father’s side of the family in nearly a year, and none of them have reached out to try to communicate.
Body wise, I’ve always struggled with weight and I didn’t shed the pregnancy pounds as quickly as I’d hoped, which added another layer of stress. My mom flew out to stay with us for two weeks, though, and that really helped give me time to recover without having to put a lot of responsibility on my spouse. I’m 100% certain things went better than they could have because we had her present.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
It’s okay to hold your boundaries, even if other people don’t like them. The people who matter won’t mind, and the people who mind don’t matter.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
Keagan turned a year old in April, and we still haven’t been able to have a party to celebrate. We haven’t been able to see family outside of video chats, and it’s hitting me harder than I thought it would. We’re really hoping to be able to have some semblance of a celebration with other people come June, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I was really excited about the representation of nonbinary parents that this project offered, and felt that my story is one that other people could benefit from. I also feel like having a few photos to look back on will help me to see myself in a better, more positive light, both physically and as a reflection of me as a parent.