Mollie Barnathan

Mollie Barnathan (36 - she/her), Rose (5.5), Pearl (3.5), and Mae (14 mo)

Portland, ME

Mollie shares -

“My first pregnancy was 7 years ago. The 13-week ultrasound showed that the fetus had Turner's Syndrome and so we decided to terminate the pregnancy. A few months later we were thrilled to learn we were expecting twins! All the early genetic testing was normal, but the 20-week anatomy scan revealed that one of the girls had severe spina bifida. We "reduced" the pregnancy and our healthy daughter Rose was born in October 2014.

{You can read an OpEd Mollie wrote about this two years ago in opposition to the appointment of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court here. }

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Almost 6 years into motherhood I am at a point where I think my body is amazing. It grew and birthed and now cares for 3 humans. That power is beautiful. I am covered in physical scars from this mothering: a saggy belly covered in tiger stripe stretch marks, scratch marks from tiny finger nails, drooping breasts, flattened/expanded/callused feet, a pelvic floor that needs daily re-education. I work every day to find the beauty in some of these scars--that they are the result of extreme love and sacrifice and serve as reminders of how I have become who I am now. I have managed to shift my focus for the past couple of years (before and after being pregnant with Mae) to achieving strength and health in order to live life with as few limitation as possible and to be able to care for my family. I am not focused on being thinner/lighter, but rather comfortable in my body and healthy. I am trying to adjust my mind's eye to normal looking/curvy/larger women and how they dress themselves, how I can dress THIS body in a way that makes me feel good.

What was your postpartum experience?
Transformative. Rose and I struggled to breastfeed and I had postpartum depression. I woke up paralyzed with panic when she was 9 weeks old and called my mother in Boston and said you need to come up here I can’t take care of this baby. I became non-functional, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t stop crying, I was asking to be admitted to the hospital, I did not want to take care of my baby. I felt like I was out of my body. I started taking antidepressants, I increased how frequently I was seeing my therapist, I stopped breastfeeding, we hired a night nanny so I could sleep all night. I had terrifying thoughts killing myself and the baby, so we switched my meds. Our parents came in week long shifts to take care of us. After about 6 weeks I started to feel like my new self. We prepared very differently for the next 2 postpartum periods! I was on antidepressants from the moment of delivery, we had a night nanny every night for the first couple of months, I didn’t breastfeed. Postpartum was never easy, but it was less difficult each subsequent time. In going through this and talking with other parents I learned that the postpartum period is universally hard, even if there is nothing pathologic going on. It inspired me to become a postpartum doula. I am honored to walk through this period of time with new parents.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

The transformation to motherhood is powerful and complex. I can’t tell you when, but it will be OK! There is no one right way to do anything. All you are supposed to do for the first few weeks is watch TV and feed the baby. New motherhood requires an uncomfortable amount of surrender and relinquishing of control-particularly for women who are used being productive, organized and highly accomplished. “Let me fall if I must. The one I will become will catch me.” -Rabbi Baal Shem Tov

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19? 

I have been home all day every day with all 3 kids since mid-March. It has been very intense! Our nanny has continued to work with us the whole time, otherwise I could not have held it together. I am trying to appreciate the extra time and closeness that we have as a trade-off to the kids not being at preschool. My heart aches for all the pregnant and postpartum mothers as Covid19 has added such a serious layer of unknown and fear to what is a huge adjustment even under good circumstances.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

So many aspects of pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenting were surprises to me, I felt so uneducated despite thinking I had prepared. And once I started experiencing situations and challenges that were “normal” in this realm, I became motivated to talk openly and honestly about this time in life with other parents and with people who don’t yet have kids. It felt like a disservice to not have know that there is so much pain, difficulty, and growth wrapped up in the joy and miraculousness of having babies. I am not having any more children. I want to immortalize the achievement and power I feel right now at being on the other side of that period of my life.

Amber Lena Every

Amber Lena Every (40 - she/her), Kathy (64 - she/her) and Jaxon (6). Amber is also parent to Gilbert (14), and Niko (12).

Greeley, CO {Virtual FaceTime Session}

“I had two miscarriages before I had Jaxon. My first miscarriage was at 11 weeks and it was incredibly traumatic. I had no idea what was going to happen. The hospital sent me home telling me I would have some "cramping" but I went into a form of labor. It was terrifying and heartbreaking. After that loss, my husband and I decided to adopt. We adopted our two older sons from the foster care system when they were 2 and 4. My second miscarriage was a few years later at 7 weeks. This time I knew what to expect, but it was still heartbreaking. A year or so after that I got pregnant with Jaxon. I fully expected to miscarry and was guarded even with our first ultrasound. I was trying to protect my heart from another loss. It wasn't until I could feel him move inside of me that it finally started to feel real. "

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

After I had Jaxon I LOVED my body. I had never had what I considered womanly breasts. For the first time I had curves. My clothes fit well. I loved my boobs. But eventually those boobs went away and I really struggled. I struggled more than I thought I would. I realized that the new image I had of my body was not a healthy one. So I took some steps to change that and that led me here!!

What was your postpartum experience?

My postpartum experience was overall very positive. My recovery was difficult, and I did end up back in the hospital due to an infection, but those are the things no one can prepare for. Being a new mom to Jaxon wasn't a traditional experience, because I was not new to being a mom. I was a mom of two boys, but I was new to being a mom of an infant. This gave me anxiety at times, feeling like the outside world assumed I would have things figured out by the third child, but really it was the first time I had to do things like get an infant car seat in and out of the car:) I think being thrown into motherhood the way I was with my older boys helped me to not sweat the small stuff with Jaxon.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

This is the hardest job in the world. No one told me how mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting being a parent would be. You are going to make mistakes!! And when you do, don't beat yourself up. Learn from them and try to do better next time. And soak up the hugs and kisses!!!

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

COVID-19 has brought our family closer. I have a 14 year old and a 12 year old. These are the ages where they typically begin to pull away from their parents and spend more time with friends. COVID-19 stopped this from happening, so we were able to bond more with our teenagers. We have found things to do together as a family and strengthened our relationships. It has also had its hard times, but we are being provided with a lot of opportunities to learn and grow.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

When I found this movement I began looking at the images of beautiful humans over and over. I flooded my head with these pictures...and deleted the rest of my social media stuff. Over time, my perception of beauty was truly changed! For the first time in my life I am not critical of how I look. I feel beautiful in my skin and I give the credit to the 4th Trimester Bodies Project. Our world needs more things like this. It is hard to undo what society has done to is over the years. This movement did that for me!

Emily Piper

Emily Piper (38 - she/her), Sadie (7), and Faye (6 mo)

Somerville, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I always had a difficult and complicated relationship with body image, and in many ways parenthood has helped me feel more at home in my body. I loved being pregnant, particularly the first time. My first labor was so empowering and left me feeling in complete awe of my body. In the first year or two after my first daughter was born, though, my relationship with her father suffered, largely due to his feelings towards my postpartum body. When we divorced, it felt like I was literally choosing myself over him, and that sort of cemented my relationship with my body. I also try to use my relationship with my older daughter to reinforce this. Teaching her about how miraculous our bodies are has helped me stay in a healthy place with mine. During my second pregnancy, she watched my body grow and swell and instead of speaking negatively about those changes, I always tried to emphasize to her how magical it is, what our bodies can do. She was with me for most of my second labor, and my hope is that she will carry that experience with her as she continues to grow into her own body.

My second labor was nowhere near as empowering as my first and I'm still working through some of the physical and emotional fallout from it. It's been difficult to try to reconcile that experience with my feelings about my first labor, although I am grateful that I had a positive experience first so I can understand that even though this labor didn't go as planned, I know what my body is capable of. I also know I have a long road ahead of me in terms of working through that whole experience, and I'm trying to be kind and patient with myself as I go down that road.

Since I had a breast reduction as a teenager (see: longtime difficult relationship with my body), I have also struggled to breastfeed both children, and at times found myself blaming my body for "letting me down" in that way. Other times I find myself angry at my past self for having the surgery without thinking fully about how it would impact my future children. In the long run I was able to at least partially breastfeed my first (who ended up nursing until she was 2.5) and am able to partially breastfeed my second as well, but there are times I still find myself feeling sad that my body isn't able to provide all the nourishment my babies have needed. In general, though, because of parenthood I feel a great deal of gratitude, awe, unconditional love towards my body. It's capable of incredible, sacred things and I try to remember that every day.

What was your postpartum experience?

My two postpartum experiences were drastically different. With my first, I had almost exactly the birth I'd been dreaming of, but two days later my newborn daughter ended up in the hospital with severe jaundice and dehydration, and spent a week in the NICU. I had the unmedicated, low-intervention birth center birth I'd hoped for, followed by a very medicalized postpartum experience. The week that she was in the hospital was bleak, but perhaps because of that I remember the time after we took her home as much easier. I was certainly sleep deprived and my then-husband wasn’t always the most supportive, but I remember nestling into our little mama-baby routine quickly and floating through a very hot and dreamy summer with this small new person at my side. We went to the beach, we walked to flea markets, she met all my friends. I wouldn’t say it was an effortless adjustment, but it felt like a natural one nonetheless.

My second daughter was born a week late, at the beginning of the winter, after a traumatic labor and delivery. My older daughter had been struggling emotionally for the majority of my pregnancy and I had a great deal of anxiety about introducing this new person into her life. I think the combination of my birth experience and my concerns about my older daughter, plus the darkness and cold of the time of year, set me up to have a more difficult time. My partner is infinitely more present and supportive than my first husband, and we avoided any hospital stay this time (I was hyper-vigilant about her feeding those first few days), but everything this time has felt more complicated. And while I knew that of course that would be the case, since I have another child already in the picture, I think I’m still mourning that a little bit. There has been no way to fall into that idyllic new mom rhythm this time with a big kid around, and I definitely experienced an uptick in anxiety, which ironically was starting to resolve itself right around the time the COVID-19 pandemic began. So for the first three months of Faye’s life, I was working through postpartum anxiety and learning to be a parent to two, and then since then I’ve been navigating how to parent in a post-COVID world. It’s been...weird. We don't have plans to have any more babies, but often I find myself yearning to have just one more, I think if only just so I can have one more chance to get it all "right." Which of course I know is impossible.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

You will never get everything right. It's okay to not enjoy every moment. You are stronger than you think. You can be a parent and still be sexual. Don't forget to take care of yourself - your children will be watching, and they need to see you model boundaries and prioritize your own wellbeing too.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

As I mentioned above, my second child was born only about three months before we all went into quarantine, which has meant that we haven't gotten to enjoy the same kind of postpartum socializing that I loved so much with my first. I miss being able to take her out to meet the people and see the places I care about, to let her be passed around from person to person, to meet other babies. In addition, I've had to navigate all the usual new baby stuff while attempting to both work from home and homeschool my big kid, who has (understandably) been feeling a lot of Very Big Feelings about all of it. (Honestly, I can't imagine being a seven-year-old with a new baby sibling during a massive global pandemic.) She's anxious and angry and we butt heads every day, and I feel like the close relationship she and I used to have has gone out the window. I want so badly to be able to fill her cup, but my own is so consistently empty that I just don't know how. There are times, when both children need me, and my partner is at work, and I'm trying to do my own work, where I feel like a sand dune being eroded away, grain by grain. It's a lot.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I've been following you for years and your work has played no small part in my own acceptance of my body after having a baby. I also really love the idea of being a part of documenting what it's like to be a parent during this time.

Clarice Amorim Freitas

Clarice Amorim Freitas (33 - she/her) and Jasper (17 mo)

Recife, PE, Brazil {Virtual FaceTime session}

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Growing up, I wasn’t interested in sports or anything else remotely physical. Truth be told, I often gave up on these efforts before I completed them. I never really believed that my body was capable of amazing things. Pregnancy, birthing, and nursing changed that.

I was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 20 and told it would be hard for me to get pregnant. I expected that to be the case, and was blindsided when I saw a positive pregnancy test a mere two months after we started trying. I got diagnosed with anemia in my second trimester - which meant that I was constantly exhausted and gaining little weight. At 37 weeks, we were also diagnosed with IUGR - intra-uterine growth restriction - and had to change our plans from natural childbirth at a stand-alone birthing center to a medical induction at the local hospital.

I questioned my ability to conceive, grow, and birth this little human. I wondered throughout my 39-hour-long induction whether my body could actually make it. And nevertheless, it succeeded. And not only that, but it grew that little 5lb 5oz bundle of joy into a healthy, chunky, breastmilk-obsessed toddler that is still nursing strong at almost 18 months. I will never question my body again after being able to achieve that feat.

What was your postpartum experience?

Some people think you are only postpartum for 6 weeks (until your doctor clears you) or 12 weeks (until you job requires that you return to it), but I think postpartum lasts a whole year - at least it did for us.

In my immediate postpartum, I was lucky enough that my mother was able to visit from Brazil, and she stayed with us for a whole month. I remember telling my husband I didn’t know how we were going to make it when she left; he was wondering that too. It is clear to me now that both of us were dealing with a lot of anxiety - but we didn’t know it then.

After I went back to work, I was lucky enough to have a workplace that accommodate my needs as a parent - and when it became clear I could not sustain a full-time workload, allowed me to lower my hours and flexibilize my schedule.

Halfway through my son’s first year, I was lucky to have access to medical care and good, supportive professionals when my parenting anxiety and depression led me to have suicidal thoughts. I had access to help when I needed it and that has made all the difference.

Looking back, I think our whole first year as parents was marked by equal parts of exhaustion and ecstasy - it was simultaneously the hardest thing we have ever done and the most wonderful one.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

Give yourself grace. That one is particularly hard for me - my inner voice is extremely harsh. I am always telling myself that I should be doing more and I could be doing better. Years of therapy haven’t undone that tendency yet... But if I could tell a new parent one thing and have it stick, it would be to give yourself grace. You are doing the best you can with the information and the skills you have at the moment. Your expectations have to match your resources. You are good enough as you are and no one will ever be perfect.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

COVID-19 hit our lives when my son was 15 months old. It has forced me to work from home, mostly in isolation. The best part of my work was getting to interact with wonderful community leaders working for equity and social change, and the pandemic stole that from me. I worried and still do about how it is going to affect my mental health in the long run.

But the flip side is that the pandemic has forced me to figure out ways to be a better parent to my child. While before it was easy to just be on the run with him, to take him places when he got bored or anxious, to keep busy and keep moving and to rely on others - I now have to be more creative and intentional with our time together. And I think I am getting better at just being with him, in the moment. I guess if there is one thing the pandemic gave me, it was that: a chance to slow down and just be with him.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I have been following this movement since I was pregnant and I hoped to participate in the live session that was going to take place in Portland, OR during the final year. With the changes due to COVID-19, I wanted to make sure I had a chance to at least get some documentation of my child and I, even if it had to be in this creative and unique way. I think parenthood is messy and complicated and humbling and beautiful - and I want this moment documented so I can always remember it for what it was.

Harley Maher

Harley Maher (29 - they/them) and Keagan (1)

Des Moines, Iowa {Virtual FaceTime session}

“I had an abortion at age 24, when I was with an ex. We had just moved in together the summer before, and neither of us were at a point where we were ready to be parents. When we had first started dating, I’d made it fairly clear that I didn’t want to have children until after marriage, and he agreed to that. So when I found out I was pregnant, he supported me choosing to have an abortion. It’s a decision I’m glad I made, as my ex and I are no longer together and I’ve always known I only wanted one child.

It took me up until earlier this year to open up about the abortion, because of the huge stigma of shame that surrounds abortion and the fear I felt of judgement from my family. Now that I’ve talked about it about as publicly as I can, I feel a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I’m also glad to now be a voice to show others that they don’t have to hide their experience, and that it’s okay to talk about it in their own time.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

As a nonbinary parent, it has been a roller coaster regarding my body image. I’ve always been viewed as a woman due to my shape, and pregnancy didn’t help with that. I was very thankful that I didn’t show at all in my first trimester, or much of the second. It gave me time to work through any dysphoria and come to terms with my body and what changes it was going through. There are still days that I struggle, but honestly going through pregnancy brought me closer to loving myself and my shape than a lot of other events in life, and I’m grateful for that.

What was your postpartum experience?

Stressful. Keagan ended up in NICU less than 24 hours after they were born, and we were there for five days trying to get their blood sugar to a stable level. During this time, I dealt with a falling out with my father and his wife, who felt that I was personally attacking them by standing my ground when it comes to using neutral pronouns for Keagan until they can express a desire for something else. They felt entitled to know what genitals Keagan has, and that isn’t information I felt comfortable giving, knowing they would use gendered language once they knew. I haven’t spoken to anyone on my father’s side of the family in nearly a year, and none of them have reached out to try to communicate.

Body wise, I’ve always struggled with weight and I didn’t shed the pregnancy pounds as quickly as I’d hoped, which added another layer of stress. My mom flew out to stay with us for two weeks, though, and that really helped give me time to recover without having to put a lot of responsibility on my spouse. I’m 100% certain things went better than they could have because we had her present.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

It’s okay to hold your boundaries, even if other people don’t like them. The people who matter won’t mind, and the people who mind don’t matter.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

Keagan turned a year old in April, and we still haven’t been able to have a party to celebrate. We haven’t been able to see family outside of video chats, and it’s hitting me harder than I thought it would. We’re really hoping to be able to have some semblance of a celebration with other people come June, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I was really excited about the representation of nonbinary parents that this project offered, and felt that my story is one that other people could benefit from. I also feel like having a few photos to look back on will help me to see myself in a better, more positive light, both physically and as a reflection of me as a parent.

Gail Babes

Gail Babes (40 - she/they) and Vida Ruth (18 weeks)

Seattle, WA {Virtual FaceTime Session}

“I had a short chemical pregnancy after my first attempt trying to get pregnant. I was surprised by how clear it was to me that I was pregnant. My breasts became immediately tender and swollen in a way I had never experienced prior. I found out I wasn't pregnant on the first night of Passover. I had prepared myself for this possibility as most of my friends and close family members had experienced some sort of pregnancy loss. The preparation helped me try again and personally reconfirmed that I would share my pregnancy early with close connections so that I would have a support system if a subsequent loss occurred.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

I struggled for most of my life with a negative body image thinking I was never thin or fit enough. Like most folks raised as girls, I placed the value of my body on how sexually attractive it was to others. I cognitively knew how unhealthy this was, yet even as I aged I was unable to dismantle the narrative, easily spiraling into negative self-talk. When I became pregnant everything changed for me. I found my growing body beautiful and was in awe of its innate ability to create life. I decided to publicly document my newfound body confidence and related fashion sense in photography to share with others. Giving birth was the most powerful thing I have physically ever done. Coming out of my fourth trimester, my postpartum body is different, softer in many ways, but I revere it for what it did and the ongoing nourishment it provides my child.

What was your postpartum experience? 

Three weeks after giving birth and feeling otherwise healthy, I had a massive hemorrhage and seizure due to a retained piece of placenta requiring four blood transfusions. Immediately after the emergency surgery, I became overwhelmed with the idea that I had almost died. The OB on call was an incredible female doctor who helped me re-frame the moment as experiencing a life-threatening event - one that they were well-versed to handle. I spent the remainder of my fourth trimester feeling not only grateful to be alive, but to have entered the ER weeks before Seattle became the first US epicenter of the COVID-19 pandemic. In the days that followed, I benefited from having two incredibly skilled night doulas care for us, especially as the COVID-19 gripped our city and other forms of physical support disappeared.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

I pride myself at being competent, confident and fully independent. I crafted a world where my closest friends are all over the United States - which was very jetset cool. When I decided to have a baby, primarily on my own, I clearly never envisioned having to care for a baby in the midst of a pandemic. In hindsight, I would have told my former self to have built a more local support system where I could have formed a pod with family members willing and able to help me.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

The pandemic took away the bucolic vision I had of my postpartum time off. The plan had been for three of my best friends and family members fly to Seattle to support us. I had also envisioned my final month of parental leave where Vida and I would have traveled to Hawaii. Instead, the pandemic took away my planned support system within weeks and it created new challenges in living 24-7 with my boyfriend and his son. Our collective home is now an office and school. My extroverted self misses people desperately and since I am not an essential worker, my planned return to work as a consultant is up in the air since I can't hire in-home care for my infant.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

As a queer Jewish and older person trying to have a baby primarily on my own, I found inspiration in other people's stories and felt inspired to do the same.

Della Laira

Della Laira (41 - she/her), Paul (3.5) and Samuel (15 mo)

Seychelles Islands | Los Angeles, CA {Photographed virtually via Zoom}

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

When I became a mother for the first time, I breastfed and ate a lot..but I wasn't paying attention to my mental health. I was depressed, once I was done breastfeeding (18 months later) I stopped caring for my body. I became ashamed of my body, but I grasped to the joy of knowing this body gave birth to a healthy boy. I hold on to that and that lights my soul. Even now. I have a pouchy stomach, after my second birth, its more pronounced. I would love to address it but I'm in no hurry. I delivered my babies, this is my body, I take pride in the molds, curves, stretch marks that records the miracle of life.

What was your postpartum experience?

Deep breathe on this one. My first pregnancy was a breeze, the postpartum part became a challenge because I ignored the stress signs and did not address my postpartum depression. When my first born was like 9 months old, I had a breakdown. I couldn't breathe, I was just pushing through everything; going to work, making breakfast and lunch before I left for work, laundry, dinner... I was exhausted, depressed, lonely, and angry. With all of that I stopped caring for myself, I stopped; exercising, praying, looking at myself. My body image was negatively impacted.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

To my former self: there is no better way to do this journey than with a partner that is equally exciting to be a parent ( in this I consider myself lucky)

To a new parent: be kind to yourself, there is no playbook for parenthood. But do prepare yourself, do the work to not pass on your traumas(if any) your baggages, understand that a child is a blessing not an extension of yourself.🙏🏾

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

I recently fell in love with my second born. The last pregnancy was a doozy.... I had just put him in daycare part-time, so I can claim some time for myself. COVID-19 hit and I am home with 2 boys under 4 years old. I have become more stern with the boys, setting firmer boundaries. And I had to see things from their lens. We tried to explain to the older one that people are sick and we cannot go to the park. He doesn't understand, all he wants is to run. We lost a family friend and my son's godfather to Covid-19, we are grieving that while trying to have structure, manage a business and be present with the boys - WOAH!

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

in this time we are closer when we share our stories; we touch each other. We can lightened up someone's day/night..and we need that light now more then ever.I choose to share because we are all fighting something right now, be it physical, mental, spiritual, we are all attempting to be better and resourceful.

Rasee Govindani

Rasee Govindani (39 - she/her). Mother to Lexi (8)

Bangkok, Thailand {Photographed virtually via FaceTime}

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

As I was growing up in a city and country where beauty meant being skinny and fair-skinned and hairless, my dark skin and bigger body and Indian body hair were the total opposite of what was attractive. For a long time I think I accepted that I would never be "beautiful." When I was 23, I spent a summer working at a camp in the middle of nowhere in Missouri where the counselors were from all over the world and I think that's when I understood that beauty was relative and my body that could climb and shoot arrows and row canoes was a good body.

And then I got pregnant (quickly) after being diagnosed with PCOS as a teenager and basically being told I wouldn't conceive and I realized that me thinking my body was broken was because of the stories other people told about it. Conceiving my daughter, birthing her, and feeding her at my breast established my True Love for my body. I'd done an amazing thing and I had stretch marks and a different body as a result, but I sure loved every stripe and every bump. I made a person!

What was your postpartum experience?

I always joke there's a reason I only have the one child and it was the combination of a difficult birth and a challenging postpartum. I had fourth-degree tears from birth and an episiotomy and my vagina didn't heal well so I was in a lot of pain for about a month after birth. Ultimately a doctor found granulation tissue over my stitches and they had to be cauterized, and after that things improved dramatically in terms of the pain.

I'd had a breast reduction surgery in my 20's so I didn't seem to have a really good milk supply at the start (and I suspect I always had "just enough") so my daughter was attached to my breast all day and night. Lexi didn't sleep through the night until she was two years old and she would never take a bottle. But I could never pump anyway.

It was just so hard. Harder than I had imagined. She was so needy and I didn't know how to mother her. I kept being told to trust myself, but I needed some mothering too, and I didn't know where to find that. I'd never had a baby before. I'd never breastfed before. I think because I was a doula it was assumed I'd know how to be a mother, but I wasn't prepared for how difficult it was going to be.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Probably that you must take care of yourself above all things. Yes, feed that baby and change that diaper, but you cannot put the baby above yourself because you can't mother when you're tired and hungry and dehydrated and in pain, not the way that you'd like to. Yes, those first days and weeks are so hard, but they don't necessarily need to be quite that hard. Surround yourself with your village, whatever that looks like. Make sure someone is in charge of taking care of you, of feeding you and giving you time to shower and sleep.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

As a doula, very quickly I had to figure out what was going on in our hospitals and how best to continue serving our families. I started a Facebook group early on that's been a good resource for families who are pregnant right now and planning to birth here in Bangkok. I've had to be tested for COVID-19 to attend a birth and I may have to be tested several times this year.

My daughter has been out of school for two months now and I have no time to myself at all. We live in a full house and her online learning takes a lot of my energy. I just don't have the moments I used to, where I could drop her off at school and then go work out or wander through the bookstore or go to the movies alone, which is on the top of my self-care list. So my cup is far from full and I have to keep pouring.

Another aspect of this that won't be familiar to people who haven't faced life-changing diagnoses before is that this triggers all my trauma from being diagnosed and treated for breast cancer four years ago.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I think my cancer diagnosis revealed my authentic self. There was no pretending left, no trying to be strong. It was hard and hideous and terrifying and I had good days when I felt in control and I had a lot of shit days where I couldn't get out of bed. I was sick and I was strong and then I was tired and I lost my hair and it was all grief and pain. I was stripped raw. And I've stayed true to myself--ugly and beautiful and all.

After birth I wanted to be part of this because I had a traumatic birth and I wanted to reclaim my body and my story. After cancer I want to show up when women search for mastectomy photos, especially without reconstruction, and maybe help them realize that it's just one more scar and one more beautiful story and this body is everything and nothing all at the same time.

I'm also doing this for my daughter, to show her that her body is hers alone, just as mine belongs to me only, for me to do with as I wish. I want her to know that this body has survived unimaginable grief, that these hands have held hundreds of babies and these eyes have anchored warrior women riding the waves of labor, and this heart--oh, this heart of mine...loves her, loves her, loves her.

Kelly Knight

Kelly Knight (38 - she/her) and family. Daughter Ramona is 4, Kelly is currently pregnant.

Oakland, CA {Virtual FaceTime session}

“In my first pregnancy, I had a miscarriage due to cervical insufficiency at 16.5 weeks. It was devastating. My water broke at work and I didn't know what was happening. Cervical insufficiency isn't really talked about -- I had no idea what it was, or that it could happen. It happens in about 1-2% of pregnancies, and is responsible for 8% of second trimester miscarriages. Ramona was carried to term with the help of a cervical cerclage placed at 13 weeks.

When we tried for a second child, the tests were all coming out kind of weird, so I got a CVS done, and it was confirmed that that baby had Trisomy-18, a genetic disorder. The median age those babies live outside the womb is 5-15 days. We chose to terminate, to spare that baby pain. It was also devastating, but my first job as a parent is to prevent harm, and that situation was going to be terrible for everyone, but mostly the baby. And for anyone that thinks that second trimester termination is an easy road, I've got news for you: it was the single most painful thing I've ever been through.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Before I got pregnant, I was a roller derby player and regular CrossFit goer. Having a miscarriage followed by a high-risk pregnancy changed all that. I became very conscious of keeping the baby safe, so I completely switched gears to just walking and prenatal yoga. Postpartum was a trip. I've always been curvy, but my body pretty radically changed.

I had a choice: accept it or fight it. After a long struggle, and in part because of this project, I've chosen acceptance. My body has been through 4 pregnancies. It's done a lot of work and adapted beautifully. How can I fault it? I was so angry at my body for "failing" with my first pregnancy. But I've now come to see it as a really sad part of my story -- not the whole story.

And now my body and I are mostly at peace. Sure, I sometimes get stuck in a comparison loop between my past self and this self, but mostly, I love seeing the subtle differences that age and pregnancy have had on my body. It's all part of the story.

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum was mostly pretty great -- I had a very straightforward birth with Ramona, and a solid breastfeeding relationship with her. That was a huge relief after a very medically-monitored pregnancy.

My family is a little different: we're a polyamorous family, with 4 co-parents who share parenting and household care evenly. That helped a lot in terms of getting the aftercare I needed, because none of our families live close-by. My partners each took some time off work during my maternity leave to help and to bond with the baby, and my metamour (my partner's partner) moved in with us to be a more involved co-parent, and also take care of Ramona when I had to go back to work.

I really love this model, because there are just more resources: even though I'm the birthing parent, it's not expected that I will do all the care work. I have space to have a creative, professional, and romantic life, in tandem with being a parent. It was really important to me to create that support among all of us before the baby was born, and with some adaptation after she got here, it's working really well. It takes a lot of communication, negotiation, and to be honest, a decent amount of therapy sometimes, but it's great.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

The joy is immense. Yes, it's hard. It can be thankless. But that's just it; it's an opportunity to hold that duality at the same time: the joy and the exhaustion all at once.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

With this pregnancy, my biggest concern was the availability of the care I needed during COVID-19. For each pregnancy, I'm monitored by a high-risk Perinatologist, and I need a cerclage each time. With hospitals cancelling elective surgeries, I was really worried, that I wouldn't be able to get the cerclage placed prophylactically at the optimal time of 13 weeks, and they'd instead make me wait until an emergency situation.

Fortunately, my doctor made the case to the hospital that cervical cerclage is a life-saving procedure, and I was able to get it done at 13 weeks, the ideal time. I'm super grateful for the care I've received and our front-line workers who are showing up for us in a very real way during this scary time.

Other than that, it's been a mixed bag. Having four parents in one house means that we can all take a shift during the work day, so most of us can keep up at least 75% productivity for work. We're all incredibly fortunate to be able to work from home. My metamour Max is in school and had to pivot to their classes being online, and that's been a little disruptive, but mostly, we've been able to handle it. We know it's not the same for everyone, which is why we're actively campaigning our representatives for better policies and support for ALL families.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?I

I've had two very different pregnancy losses, and since both are so rare, it was really hard to find stories like mine, much less that had happened to the same person. Being able to see stories of hope really helped me want to try again.

Also, there aren't a lot of polyamorous families represented, and even though it's not something everyone can or wants to do, I'd like to see more visibility. I know not everyone will understand, but as a person who identifies as female, having the support of extra parents and sharing the work of parenting and care-taking has meant the world to me.

Nia Avery

Nia Avery (38 - she/her) and Theodore Salvador Avery Jr. “BoBeaux” (2 months)

New Orleans, LA {Virtual FaceTime session}

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Initially, I felt like I would never get back to my original body, this was my concern. Although I embraced my pregnancy body, it was tough because, I was accustomed to working out everyday. Once we found out I was pregnant, I began to focus on lessening my workout because I did not want to do anything that could potential harm our son. Now that Theo Jr. is here, I feel more confident than ever. The superficial things that I was concerned about soon faded away. I am back to working out and I am loving my new postpartum body.

What was your postpartum experience?

At now 7 weeks and 1 day postpartum, my experience has been mixed. Initially, we knew that we would stay in the house and focus on bonding with our son. It feels weird with the quarantine that now we must stay indoors and be more careful. It is like if we were free to do everything we normally would do, it would not be as intense, but now we are confined, it makes me think a bit more.

When we first arrived home, I was nervous, as I did not feel like I knew everything that I needed to know. Which I am certain that I knew I would figure it out, I wanted to be sure that I was doing my best. The first week I spent majority of my time taking his temperature, feeding and getting to know him better. As far as my self care, my doula gave me a few tips and pointers. She also initiated a meal train for us, this was so helpful in the first few weeks. Especially since we were not open to receiving visitors, gift card to support local restaurants who were open to take out orders and prepared food was helpful. Initially, I was hyper focused on looking at my body constantly in the mirror, wondering when my stomach would finally retract. Eventually, I received my body-band and this was helpful for back support and allowing my uterus to contract. It was much easier to walk and sit up straight once I started to wear it.

As the weeks went by, I continued to research online about my healing process from a vaginal birth, I decided not to take any pain medication because I thought if I was having any issues, I did not want it to be masked by pain medication. I was also concerned because this was my first birth and I did not know what was normal and what wasn’t with the help of my physician, my doula and dr. google it appeared as if everything was going well. Fortunately, my healing was going as planned. Eventually, I was itching to go outside to experience fresh air and go jogging again. Once I hit my 6 week mark my walking routine began. What I did not realize is that, once I started to jog again that it would feel much different. I am enjoying my postpartum experience. With the concerns of the virus and hesitation every time I am outside, I always attempt to remember the positive side. The point at which I get to spend quality time with my family and myself.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

The truth that I would pass on to my former self and a new parent is to have a supportive team in place and to go with the flow. With all of the research and birth plan I expected to go exactly as planned. However, with all the curved balls presented, I had to remember to go with the flow. For a new parent I would also recommend for them to have a supportive team that is aware of all of your wants and are confident to advocate for you in all aspects. If I did not have such a strong and supportive team I am unsure if I would have been able to go through my birth process naturally. Also, identifying an OB/GYN who is aligned with you short and long term goals are also necessary. My OB/GYN was open and supportive to collaborating with my husband and doula which made it all more helpful.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

My pregnancy was affected by COVID-19 in the sense of creating more anxiety around my birth. Days before my pregnancy I was told that my doula would not be able to attend my birth. Fortunately, she was able to attend however rules were changing by the minute. This caused a lot of uncertainty and wonder of what the outcome would be. Fortunately, I had continuous meetings with my Doula and the opportunity to use VR Goggles from Applied VR to assist with meditation, breathing and focus on positive energy.

My birth was affected by COVID-19 because I was confined to my room the entire time. I did not feel comfortable walking around the hospital. I do think although I had a very supportive team and VR Goggles to assist with staying calm and focused. When there is anything that can put you in an uneasy state it has an effect on your body. I was admitted into the hospital Sunday March 22nd and was induced with a Foley Ball which is painful, however I wanted to keep things as natural as possible. I think that with the me knowing that there is a pandemic going on, although I was as relaxed as possible I think that it got in the way of expediting my birth. We constantly revisited options, by Tuesday my son did not come and I was not dilating at the pace they would have preferred. Pitocin was on the table, this is something that I did not want, but I decided to go ahead and agree to a low dosage Wednesday because I did not know if the rules of the hospital would change and I wanted my OB/GYN to be there to deliver our son.

Wednesday my Pitocin started at about 10:30am with a very low dosage, my contractions began, with the VR Goggles, my husband and doula counting the contractions, it appeared that everything was going as planned. Then the pain began to increase and the contractions became almost unbearable. I found out that our son was faced forward. I started to change positions and towards the end I wanted to ask for an epidural but I did not. Finally at 8:11pm I met him, and the next step was to move to our recovery room. Again with the strains on the hospital, we all had our masks on and we were even asked if we wanted to leave the hospital early. I declined, as I wanted to be sure that everything checked out. When my OB/GYN checked me I mentioned to her that I was sore and was not walking she suggested that I stay longer in the hospital. I declined and we checked out Friday, I did not want to be in the hospital knowing that there may be additional exposure to the virus.

My postpartum healing and parenting are being affected by COVID-19 because I am way more cautious about germs, going out and doctor’s visits. I was concerned about our first pediatrician visit and almost canceled it because I did not want to be exposed to anything that may harm our son. Also, my husband was in charge of going to the grocery store and picking up food. We implemented additional daily routines, and several more showers.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I decided to participate because I think that we do not talk enough and share enough stories. I think that this is a great platform to continue to inform parent(s) about the process. Especially during this time of uncertainty. We are also making history, I am excited to be able to add value during this time to assist other individuals who may have concerns. I am hoping that sharing my story will help them throughout their journey. I’ve been following this movement for almost a month and the stories have helped me throughout my journey, and I am looking forward to paying it forward by assisting others with their journey. Also, I love art and specifically photography as a medium. To me this is also a point in time to record where I am in life and owning my new body with confidence. I would have never thought to take a photo publicly showing my body, however, it may be motivations for others to own their bodies and have love for their body just the way it is.