Marie Pepin (53 - she/her) and Grace and Emmanuel (twins - 9)
CT (Virtual session captured via CLOS)
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Parenthood has definitely affected my body image. I work hard to accept my body: it's rolls, sagging, extra weight, and fatigue. I was very fit before my pregnancy. I also was 44 when I gave birth, and changes had already started. To date, I feel I am not acceptable unless I lose weight. It is very difficult to write this. One of my hopes is that by becoming a part of this project and being photographed, I will begin a healing process.
What was your postpartum experience?
At 41, I started what would become 2 years of fertility treatments. The day I found out I was pregnant, my hard edges softened, cushioning the blow of the hysterscopy, every painful exam, and every jab of a hormone shot I received, as well as inflicted, upon myself. I had an uneventful and smooth pregnancy. At 35 weeks and 3 days, I went into the hospital, having severe preeclampsia. I had C section delivery, as my cervix was not dilated, feeling a sense of failure that I would not have a vaginal birth. Emmanuel was born first, then Grace. As I lay there, holding Emmanuel doing skin to skin, I thought “this was what I imagined this moment would be”.
I also began to bleed, profusely. I went in and out of consciousness, almost bleeding to death in front of my husband. I had four-hour emergency surgery to remove my uterus, spending six days in SICU, where I finally stabilized. I did not see or hold Grace for 6 days. The first time I saw my daughter, I touched her right cheek as I whispered, sobbing, ‘She's so soft’. We all finally went home after 9 days in the hospital. We came home and I was in awe of my babies: their beauty, their sweetness, their delicate little bodies. Experiencing my love for them (and seeing how they looked at me with the same awe), within the cocoon of our little house, was the only place I wanted to be.
After a few months, I developed postpartum depression, terrified to go near my tender little babies. In my mind, I saw them fly out of my arms and hit the wall in front of me. My stomach leaped in fear when they cried, or when they laughed. I was somehow able to enjoy them when my husband was near, but the monster of PPD would creep back in when I was alone with them. The most surprising things made it worse: the song to an innocent children’s show, their three months old outfits with the sea crabs on them. I struggled, trying to make some sense, with herculean attempts to prove to myself I was not to blame. Eventually, I entered a pattern where I would have moments of PPD, followed by more peaceful moments of enjoyment, love, and connection with my children. I looked back recently at the many videos and photos I/my husband had taken, I saw evidence that I gave intense love and care to my children, despite how I felt inside. This fact gives me some peace.
It took several years before I was able to fully embrace my role as 'Mother'. I work still on processing my experiences along with a wonderful therapist. With the treadmill at times that is motherhood, I do not always have the time to truly marinate in and express these feelings and memories in a way that is helpful to my heart and spirit. As an artist, this is difficult, for I think the artist’s mind hungers to dissect, wonder, and contemplate, to fulfill an expression of each and every angle. But, as my children grow, I find more time and headspace to pull this collection of memories toward me. I hope, or should I say look forward, to find the fullest expression, as well as purpose, for all that has happened.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
That in every moment, there are opportunities to drink in love. That in every moment, you are doing the best that you can.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
It had been painful to watch my kids remote learn. Also, in spending inordinate amounts of time with my kids, I have learned so much more about them. I feel closer than I ever have to them. And for this I am grateful.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I wanted to connect to a larger whole. I wanted my story to be heard. And, I wanted to help other women who may have had a similar experience.