Jaimee Stoll De Pompeo

Jaimee Stoll De Pompeo (32 - she/her) and Romee (2)

Salinas, California {Virtual session captured over CLOS}

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Having grown up an athlete, I had always associated my body with strength and capability. I learned that the value of my body was in its ability to perform and I worked hard to stay fit for most of my life. But adulthood kicked in and my fitness habits slowed down and I was in the worst shape of my life when I got pregnant. I felt really great during pregnancy, particularly the third trimester, but after the birth of Romee it became clear that I was harboring a lot of negative feelings around my body. Things changed in so many ways and I am still struggling with the concept that my body may never be as strong (in the typical sense) as it once was but that it has become strong in a new, different, and meaningful way. I exclusively nursed Romee for the first six months and she is still nursing today which I am very proud of. Learning that my body can be strong enough to nurture my child has been an uplifting and hopeful lesson for me as I have been navigating the years of negative associations with my body that I brought with me into adulthood and parenthood.

What was your postpartum experience?

I had a very uncomplicated pregnancy and was planning a homebirth but after 36 hours of labor at home I transferred to the hospital where Romee was born vaginally with no issues. Despite the fact that I was very much in control of my birth experience, my immediate postpartum days were spent mourning the birth that I wanted and beating myself up over not being able to physically perform in the way I thought that I needed to. There was a feeling of weakness and ineptness that has lingered in certain ways even two years later. My confidence as a mother was deeply impacted by not having the birth that I wanted. I returned to work when Romee was only three weeks old and I felt the impact of that lack of healing time as well. Exhaustion, discomfort, and lack of support contributed to the blur of the first year or so. There were so many pressures and expectations that I didn't anticipate and my anxiety spiked for many months. Looking back on it, I was so engulfed by my anxiety I couldn't even see what was happening or what I needed to be ok. I've learned so much about what it means to take care of myself and trust my instincts, and I know that I will keep learning these things and hopefully pass on this wisdom to Romee.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

You and only you knows what you your family needs. Advice and support is important and good but ultimately our own inner guidance is what really matters.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

I was able to be home with Romee so much more because of COVID and while it was challenging many times, it also felt like a delayed maternity leave that I never really got. Now that she is older and more social I am very happy that I will soon be able to take her out into the world and nurture the social part of her as well.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

There was so much I did not know or did not realize before I became pregnant, despite having been involved with the birth world for several years. I am grateful to projects like these that cast our experiences as birthing people and parents in normal and loving lights, even when we do not always feel normal or loving towards ourselves.

Ashley Bourg

Ashley Bourg (41 - she/her), Hadley (13), Connor (10), Cooper (8), and Hayden (4)

Kenner, Louisiana {Virtual session captured over CLOS}

Ashley shares -

“I had a miscarriage in 2005. It was a devastating experience that led to freedom from a toxic relationship.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I'd love to say becoming a mother has brought a greater appreciation for my body and what it has accomplished. Unfortunately, the changes created by four pregnancies are not what society tells us is beautiful and it can really affect the already fragile mental health of a new mom.

What was your postpartum experience?

For the most part, my postpartum experience was fairly easy. All of my children were delivered via c-section and each one seemed to get easier until the last. I was forced to take things slower after the birth of our fourth child as healing took a lot longer than the others.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

I would tell my younger self to ask questions. Becoming a parent doesn't immediately make you an expert. Asking questions and asking for help doesn't make you a failure.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

COVID-19 has definitely not made parenting easier. Balancing protecting my children as well as keeping life semi-normal has proven to be extremely difficult. One of my children was born with 22q11.2 deletion syndrome, which presents with a myriad of symptoms, among those being congenital heart defects and immunological deficits. Keeping the fear in check as we navigated life with a new, often deadly virus has been extremely difficult. On the other hand, being able to slow down and enjoy the time we have with each other has been priceless.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wanted to participate in this project because I wholeheartedly believe in the message. I want my children to see what normal, unfiltered bodies look like.

Brielle

Brielle (38 - she/her), Gray (5) and Cade (2)

Albuquerque, NM {Virtual Session} Brielle is repeat project participant. You can view her previous photograph and story in our archives.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has filled me with pride and has had a mostly positive impact on my body image. I am still amazed at what my body has accomplished in growing and feeding two humans, and now growing a third. Having experienced two cesareans and some complications during pregnancy and birth, I know I can do anything. My body may look different than it did before and I'm perfectly happy with that. I do not look the same physically and I am not the same mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. While I may not have had the births I initially hoped for, I am proud of my body and my cesarean births.

What was your postpartum experience?

Adjusting to my first child was challenging initially, both physically and mentally. Nursing him was difficult and I needed lots of support to help us find our groove. I struggled to rediscover myself in my new body and mind, and in my new role as a mother. In my second pregnancy, I really struggled with my mental health. I didn't realize it was that serious until I mentioned my harmful thoughts to my partner who was incredibly supportive. I sought help and decided to talk about it at any chance I was given. In opening myself up to others I discovered how many other people had similar experiences.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Most of these phases will pass. Being sick during pregnancy, scared or nervous before birth, uncomfortable/unsure in your new body or mind, meeting your baby and your new self, living on no sleep - all these things will pass. Seek help and talk about your challenges, there is no shame is needing support.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

The pandemic put me in a dark place for a while. Through talking with my partner, mother, friends, and my doctor I started to feel hopeful again. I changed my birth control and looked into medication which really helped too.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I love seeing and reading about parents who are different from me. We are all doing our best and are likely charting the unknown. I wish our society operated on more of the 'village' mentality, but since it doesn't, I will be the 'village' whenever I can be.

Kimberly Quinn Kim

Kimberly Quinn Kim (34 - she/her), Jeremiah and Avani (7), Malia (3.5), Naomi (2)

Bettendorf, Iowa

Kimberly shares:

“When I was 26 my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive and I stopped taking hormonal birth control for the first time in a decade. I immediately started having many of the symptoms commonly associated with menopause, including frequent hot flashes. My doctors ordered blood work and I was diagnosed with a rare condition called Premature Ovarian Failure. I was ushered from my primary care doctor to a gynecologist, then to an “ASAP” appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Within 60 seconds of walking in the door, the doctor told me that I would never be able to conceive. “Would you like to talk to the donor egg nurse? She is waiting for you right outside the door.” This was a shocking and, at first, devastating diagnosis. I was bewildered by my diagnosis and lack of treatment options. I feared what this condition meant for my long-term health, including possible issues with my thyroid function, cardiovascular health, and bone density. I was angry that my body could not do that one thing that women’s bodies are expected to do. And I was heartbroken that I would never have a child with my parents’ facial features or a perfect little mix of me and my husband. I mourned the loss of my own biological children through weekly therapy sessions and frequent crying. I cultivated a supportive community of women who were also experiencing infertility by facilitating a support group and reading and writing blogs. My husband and I discussed at length many important questions that other parents-to-be don’t have to (or get to) examine. Why do we want to be parents? What are we willing to undergo to become parents? Is the genetic connection the most important part? What am I willing to put my body through to experience pregnancy, delivery, and birth? After many conversations, we decided to pursue donor egg IVF.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Prior to my infertility diagnosis, I already had a complicated relationship with my body. Growing up I was a talented dancer and a successful competitive swimmer, so I knew my body was strong and capable. However, with unrealistic images of women’s bodies everywhere, I often felt too short, too muscular, and too heavy. Looking back now, I can see that my body was perfect. But that is not the message that I was receiving. Instead, my swim coach made us weigh in and told us to stop snacking and my boyfriend’s mom gave me crash dieting tips for Prom.

In college, I started spending my money in the $80 billion weight loss industry. First personal trainers, then Weight Watchers, then a dangerously low-calorie meal replacement program called Medifast. I was unhappy with my body and my relationship with food. I saw many therapists, all of whom tried to support me in not using food to cope with my feelings; none of whom said what I really needed to hear: “Stop restricting food; you are enough, just the way you are.”

My Premature Ovarian Failure diagnosis and subsequent two failed rounds of donor egg IVF made me doubt my body even more. I felt like a failure; I couldn’t stay thin, and I couldn’t get pregnant. Finally, on our third transfer, I became pregnant with our twins. I bled from weeks 5 to 11, which was horrifying. But at every ultrasound, the babies continued to grow, and their hearts continued to beat. After the bleeding stopped, I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy, until my water broke at just 29 weeks gestation. The list of things that my body could not do correctly kept growing; I could not ovulate, I could not get pregnant, and now I could not stay pregnant. I was excited and relieved to discover that there was one function at which my body could excel: breastfeeding! Many people had warned me that exclusively nursing premature twins would be difficult, if not impossible. However, I was able to pump enough milk for both babies, which they received through feeding tubes. The first time I ever tried to nurse Avani she bit my nipple, screamed, and fell asleep. With the support of my husband and the help of lactation consultants, nipple shields, patience, and perseverance we perfected their latches and, eventually, tandem nursing positions.

Currently, I am tandem nursing toddlers again, but this time my nurslings are my 3.5-year-old and my 2-year-old! When I found out that I was spontaneously pregnant with our fourth child I was shocked, thrilled, and terrified. I was not ready to wean Malia and I was afraid that my doctors would demand it since nipple stimulation is sometimes discouraged by people who have a previous preterm delivery. However, my doctors supported her nursing and she continued to breastfeed daily throughout my pregnancy, although I suspect it was “dry” at times. When Naomi was born Malia loved the newly bountiful supply of milk and they bonded at the breasts. Even now they always call to the other one to have “momo” together and hold hands while they nurse. I cherish my time nursing my children because of the bond it creates and I am thankful that lactating helps regulate my Premature Ovarian Failure symptoms. But most of all, I appreciate nursing because I can soothe and nourish my children, which has renewed my confidence, trust, and appreciation of my body.

What was your postpartum experience?

The twins were born at 29 weeks gestation and could not eat, breathe, or regulate their own body temperature. Avani had to be resuscitated twice after birth and dealt with numerous issues in the NICU, including gastrointestinal problems, hemorrhaging behind her eyes, and an infection. I will never forget the panic I felt every time their heart rate or oxygen alarms went BEEP BEEP BEEP. I started to have intrusive worries that interfered with my day-to-day life. I decided to try a low dose of an anti-anxiety medication, which I had also been prescribed after my second failed IVF cycle. Combined with therapy, this medication helped me separate my rational and irrational fears and I am very thankful for that little pill!

When the twins were 2.5, I underwent another donor egg IVF embryo transfer and conceived Malia. My water broke, I went into labor, and I pushed for hours with absolutely no progress. Ultimately, I had an unplanned c-section during which she flipped breach and inhaled her amniotic fluid. She was blue, her first APGAR score was 1, and the medical team called for “all hands.” I laid in the bed thinking “I finally had a full-term baby and she is going to die.” Fortunately, after a few hours in the NICU, she was brought to my arms.

When I found out I was spontaneously pregnant with our fourth, I was petrified to give birth. I had three children and three traumatic births. None of them breathed when they were born. All of them went to the NICU. I did not want a vaginal birth and I did not want a c-section. I jokingly requested a stork, but I was truly scared. Due to my previous c-section and the short interval between my second and third pregnancies, I opted for a planned c-section. Naomi’s delivery was beautifully uneventful. I saw her delivery through the clear drape. She breathed on her own! I remember shouting “She’s breathing! Good girl!”. For the first time, I was able to hold a wet, slippery baby on my chest (ok, more like my neck). I cried tears of joy! Almost immediately she was nursing in my arms. Her birth was very healing, and I treasured finally having the blissful post-delivery golden hour of nursing and snuggles.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Becoming an instant parent of two made it apparent that all kids are different. They can eat the same food and have the same parents and be raised the same way and still have vastly different needs, schedules, and temperaments. That was a blessing for me because it prevented me from comparing myself, my parenting style, or my kids to others.

Parenting has taught me that I no longer want to spend time, money, or emotional energy on diet culture. I will no longer wake up, step on a scale, and allow those 3 numbers to make or break my day. I want my children to have a parent who models eating to nourish her body, dressing for comfort and happiness, and moving her body for energy and joy.

It has taken me four kids, 15 years, and a global pandemic to finally reject diet culture and embrace my body as it is. I would tell my former self “you are worthy.” I am on a journey toward intuitive eating, body neutrality, and self-acceptance. As I heal from dieting, I am working to respect my body for what she can do and listen to what she needs.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I am honored to be part of this project because it celebrates birthing peoples’ bodies and fosters community, support, and connection. Parenting can be isolating, challenging, and divisive, but this project is an opportunity for people to feel seen, connect over shared emotions, and learn from others’ experiences. As a hopeful parent-to-be and now as a mother I have worked to create spaces for people to connect over their shared experiences. I facilitate an infertility support group, a support group for people who are pregnant or parenting after infertility, and another for people who have a history of preterm birth and/or have had children in the NICU. Through eight years of leading peer support groups, I have learned that while the diagnosis, treatment, and outcomes of my group members could not be more different, the emotions we experience are the same. I have experienced infertility, third-party reproduction, premature birth, NICU, traumatic birth, extended breastfeeding, tandem breastfeeding, vaginal and cesarean birth, pelvic floor physical therapy, and postpartum anxiety. While some of these experiences are openly discussed amongst parents, many are not. I hope that sharing my story will help normalize some of these experiences, including the changes that may happen to our bodies as a result.

All birthing people deserve to be celebrated and I am here to celebrate what my body has done and the progress that I have made in accepting her just the way she is.

Liberty Pfeil

Liberty Pfeil (29 - she/her) and Leyawiin (3)

Austin, TX {Virtual session captured via CLOS}

Liberty is a repeat participant. You can view her previous image and story in our archives.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I hate that my stretch marks are asymmetrical, and sometimes I miss my pre-baby breasts. But my body is a goddess, and I have been home to a wonderful little human. We are nursing strong at 3 years and 2 months and there's a power there that you can't describe. My child loves my soft body; what else really matters?

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum, while far from 'easy', was easy for ME. I had 3 partners (I am polyamorous), a partners partner, a midwife, and a lactation consultant all in my corner. I was able to rest, bond, shower, eat, and everything new parents SHOULD have. I know that's a privilege, and fully affected my appreciation of how much care and love I received.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

I am soft and strong and everything in-between. I am not my mother, and I'm reminded of that every time my child calls my name and smiles at me. This is hard, and beautiful, and it being hard doesn't mean you're bad at it.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

Covid quarantine made some parents of parenting easier, and others harder. My partner, Robert, that never raised children of his own, has been a fantastic father and we are hoping for a child of our own. My ex husband and I got divorced at the beginning of 2021, because of many many things, covid being one of them. We split before we could no longer be in the same room, for Leyas sake. It has been a roller coaster, but a good one.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I am taking back some independence I lost in my marriage. I am celebrating 3 years of nursing my little one and the start of a new me.

Lindsay

Lindsay (39 -she/her), S (4), and M (8 mo)

Ontario, Canada

How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I never had a good body image. I've done some self-destructive things to myself out of self-loathing. Not just because of the shape of my body, but I have chronic conditions that mean my body just doesn't work the way I want it to, often at very inconvenient times. I had major flare-ups of my disease postpartum both times. But my children love my body, and my body allows me to experience this life that I love. Parenthood is teaching me to care for my body, to respect it and its needs, to give it balance so I can be there for my kids. I am learning to be at peace with my body and not to hold it to someone else's standards.

What was your postpartum experience?

My pregnancies and deliveries couldn't have been more different. With my first child, we lived in a small, isolated town. I had infertility issues. My concerns were swept aside as unimportant by my 'care' team, until 38 weeks, when I had to be induced due to preeclampsia. A painful failed induction, insensitive treatment from staff, a traumatic C-section, my son suddenly whisked off to the NICU, five days in hospital with no support - I felt broken when I finally got home. I spent most of the first year floundering internally while working hard to make my motherhood look perfect.

My second pregnancy was a surprise and a gift. We had moved to a new city. I had been very ill and felt like my body might not allow me to carry a child again, but I conceived within a month of recovering. My pregnancy was mostly healthy, but when I started to show signs of preeclampsia, we scheduled a C-section, again at 38 weeks. This time, my team made every effort to make me feel respected and included in the delivery. It was peaceful and comfortable, and I felt so healed. My daughter was tiny but healthy. I came home feeling confident and ready for the challenge of a new baby.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Becoming a parent is a gateway to a completely new world. I wish someone had told me how transformative it is. My son was almost two when I first heard the word "matrescence", and I began to understand what was happening to me. Adolescence is a gateway from childhood to adulthood, and we accept how grueling a change it can be, but I had never heard about the depth of the challenges I would face in becoming the mother I am today. I wish we had the words and rituals as a modern society to share what this transformation means with people when they're still pregnant so they wouldn't be so unprepared for their transformation.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

Both my pregnancy and postpartum experiences have been in isolation. With my first child, we lived so far away from our friends and families, and we didn't have a support network in our new town. It was just me and my husband, apart from infrequent visits. We moved to a city closer to our hometowns, and I was so excited to discover I was pregnant again. I was going to do all the things I missed the first time. We were going to announce the pregnancy in March 2020, but the world shut down literally three days before. We had to tell people over phone and video calls. Almost no one saw me while I was pregnant. We were lucky to deliver in the summer, while our town was at the safest it had been, but we came home and within days it was just us. I feel so fortunate to have a long maternity leave, but it's been very lonely. One of my oldest and dearest friends lives in the next town, and her children are almost identical in age to mine. We have seen each other maybe three times in a year, always outside, always two metres apart. We have never held each other's babies. This is my last baby, so when this pandemic relents I will grieve all the experiences I haven't had. I'm a different person now, and I wonder if my friends and family will understand it.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I will turn forty later this year, and my promise to myself in my new decade is to celebrate who I am and what I am doing right now, in this moment, even when it's messy and imperfect and scary, and not to wait until I get it 'right' before I allow myself to be proud of who I have become.

Nicole Shafer

Nicole Shafer (39- she/her), Stella (7), Vivienne (5), and Ramona (1)

Oregon {virtual session captured via CLOS}

Nicole shares:

“I have had four miscarriages. Three were early miscarriages that we had only known about for a few days before I started bleeding. My second miscarriage was a baby boy. I was about 19 weeks along when I went in for a routine appointment and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had to be induced and deliver the baby, who we named August. There has been a lot of grief following this miscarriage and also a whole shifting of my worldview, that terrible things can happen and that there are no guarantees that everything will be okay. I was scared to look at him after he was born, but I'm so glad I did. Even as tiny as he was, he clearly looked like my husband, both his facial features and his body proportions (my husband is long torso-ed, and all our kids are too). It was really scary to look at him and I didn't know what to expect, but I am so glad I did. We planted a tree for him in our backyard and my daughters, especially Vivienne, talk about their baby brother frequently. This can be really difficult for me sometimes, but I am thankful they remember him. Every time we see a rainbow, we say hello to our lost babies.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I am really cognizant not to say negative things about my body, especially around my children. I think it is good for them to see a normal body and a positive body image. I feel more deeply myself now than I ever have before, but sometimes I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. I don't know if it is the changes that come with having children, or growing older, or living through a pandemic, but I feel physically so different than I used to that sometimes it is hard to reconcile my actual body with how I feel or my mental self. I am in awe of what my body can do. I can grow a baby from scratch and feed that baby for years. This is miraculous. I also feel like I hold a lot of memories and experiences in my body. I work every day to love every piece of myself, and some days it is more work than others. But I want my children to love every piece of themselves, so I am determined to model that love for them.

What was your postpartum experience?

My first postpartum experience was deeply jarring. I think it is very challenging to prepare to give birth the first time because you have absolutely no frame of reference. I was wholly unprepared for what it would be like and how it would challenge me. When my daughter was born after 21+ hours of labor, I was stunned. I felt like I was in shock and could barely reach my arms out to take her. It was not how I imagined I would feel or react after her birth. Shortly after (she was born at a freestanding birth center), she was showing signs of jaundice and we took her to the emergency room. We ended up staying with her in the NICU for five days. This was another very unsettling experience. I was struggling with breastfeeding, was in a small, dark, cramped hospital room trying to learn how to be a mother. I realize now that I probably had postpartum depression, although I was not diagnosed at the time. Everything seemed impossibly hard. I could not imagine how anyone could do anything with a baby besides stay at home and feed and hold them all day. I cried a lot. It took several months before I started to feel like myself and came out of the fog I was under. I had an amazing lactation consultant that came to my house multiple times and helped me with breastfeeding. She was so encouraging. She ran a breastfeeding support group that gave me the confidence to feed my baby and trust in myself.

With my second baby, everything was easier. We had a quick labor and she was born while I was standing up. I felt like a warrior! I was still a little stunned because she came so quickly, but almost immediately I felt like myself. I took twelve weeks off work, and I didn't even feel like I really needed all that time. I felt great! Breastfeeding went much more smoothly the second time and I just generally had more confidence in myself as a mother.

My third daughter was also born quickly. She was born in the water and I just could not believe my eyes when I saw her! Because she is a rainbow baby, I spent my whole pregnancy worried that something would go wrong. I went into her birth terrified. She was much bigger than my first two babies, and absolutely quiet. She blinked her eyes at me and then finally started to breathe. I kept saying "you're here!" In part I think because of the baby we lost and in part because of the pandemic, I spent a lot of my postpartum worrying. I was finally diagnosed with postpartum anxiety when she was about ten months old, shortly after I returned to work. I was not ready to leave her and go back to work and it was very hard for me to do so. I constantly imagined the worst-case scenario. Now that she is almost 16 months, I am feeling less anxious.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

I am always trying to be gentle with myself. I trust myself and I know that I am doing the best that I can do with what I have. When I know better, I do better. That's what you have to do as a parent. You try the very best you can, and you forgive yourself for your mistakes, and you try again, the very best you can.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

I returned to work from maternity leave for about three weeks before schools shut down (I'm a teacher) and then it felt like I had an extended maternity leave with my baby. I didn't have to physically leave her again until she was ten months old. There were a lot of other things that were very challenging about parenting during a pandemic, but being able to be home, even if I was trying to navigate teaching from home and teaching online, was actually really nice. I got to sleep more, I got to be with my kids more.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I originally wanted to take part in this movement in 2013 right after my first child was born. I ended up booking an appointment and then cancelling it because I was afraid of the repercussions of being photographed in my underwear. That seems painfully young to think about now. As a brand new parent in 2013, I was trying to understand what this new identity meant for me. I'd had an easy pregnancy and a fairly routine birth, although my daughter did end up spending some time in the NICU for jaundice. I struggled a lot with breastfeeding but felt like I had finally hit my stride. Now, nearly eight years later, I have struggled with secondary infertility, multiple miscarriages, postpartum anxiety. I wish I had been photographed as a brand new mom so I could compare that experience to the one I have now. I feel like I am deeply comfortable in my role as a mother and that it is a huge part of my identity.

Lauren King

Lauren King (34 - she/her), Will (3), and Sawyer (12 mo)

Colorado {Virtual session. Captured via Zoom}

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has given me a new relationship with my body, or at least the start of one. I have always struggled with my body image. When I was a teen I took diet pills, struggled with eating disorders, and over-exercised. Now I see that in many ways, that was how I was trying to exert control when I felt out of control and didn't have resources to cope.

During my first pregnancy, I struggled with my body image as I watched my body change. While each pregnancy was healthy, I had two difficult births. With my first son, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia at 37 weeks, which meant that my plan for an unmedicated birth at a birth center was no longer an option, as I would need to be induced at the hospital. My induction lasted for 41 hours and I needed an epidural to be able to rest. All was well, though, when I gave birth to my perfect baby.

2 years later, when I was 35 weeks pregnant with my second son, I had a placental abruption. Again, I had to change my birth plan and move my care from the birth center to the hospital for an induction.The labor and delivery went much faster the second time around and, with the help of my doula and my husband, I was able to deliver Sawyer unmedicated. I will never forget how my body took over the birthing process; as my baby descended, my body naturally pushed him out with no extra effort on my part. Thankfully, Sawyer didn’t need any interventions when he was born. However, I began to hemorrhage and needed a D&C to retrieve a retained piece of my placenta. Looking back, it was a potentially dangerous situation, but because I was so elated from my birth, I didn’t experience it as such.

Through both births, my body stayed strong to protect me and deliver two healthy babes. For that I will be eternally grateful. I have also found healing and empowerment through being able to breastfeed both of my children - we are still going strong! I know now that there is no space for negativity towards this body that has done so much for me. In becoming a parent, I've learned that I am so much more than my physical appearance, and that it is important to work towards enjoying and caring for the body that I have been given. Maybe more importantly, now that I am a parent, I want to share body positivity - or, at the very least, body neutrality- with my little ones so that they continue to be comfortable in their own skin. Watching my one year old wiggle his jiggly leg rolls and my muscular, wiry 3 year old bound around with endless energy, I desperately want them to continue delighting in themselves just the way they are, and I know it will be important for me to model that for them.

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum exploded the world that I knew and gave me space to learn to know, love, and heal myself. After my first son, Will, was born, I was thrown into a deep spiral of postpartum anxiety and depression, much of which was caused by extreme sleep deprivation. Will was jaundiced and lost a significant amount of weight in the beginning, and because of that I ended up triple feeding him - I would nurse him, give him a bottle of expressed milk, and then pump. To do all of those things, it took about an hour and a half, and this cycle had to happen every 3 hours. I did that for 2 weeks, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done physically or mentally. It almost broke me, and I started having intrusive thoughts. I thought that I had made a mistake and that I wasn't made to be a mother. I thought my partner was going to leave me since I didn't know what I was doing. I fantasized about running away. At my 6 week check up, my midwife suggested that I find a therapist, and I connected with an incredible therapist who specializes in pregnancy and the postpartum period. At our first session, I sat in her office and bawled my eyes out, sick with shame and guilt over being horrible at motherhood. Over the course of several months, she helped me develop a toolkit of coping mechanisms - including antidepressants - and I finally came out of the black cloud of postpartum depression and anxiety. It was incredible then to be able to enjoy being a mother and to revel in watching my son grow and develop, so much so that I decided to try it a second time! Postpartum with Sawyer has been shocking in a different way because, well...pandemic! I had created a strong postpartum plan with my therapist to put as much into place as possible to be supported during my second postpartum experience. Much of that was not able to happen since Sawyer was born just days before our state shut down. The first several months postpartum were difficult, because in addition to the social isolation from the pandemic, I was desperately sleep deprived and also caring full-time for my toddler while healing from birth and taking care of a newborn. The overwhelm of it all blended into postpartum depression a second time, but thankfully I was more equipped to manage it. Now, a year later, I finally am feeling better and more capable most days. Of course there are still many ups and downs, but I am working on creating space for myself and my boys and to be ok with imperfection.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

While my introduction to motherhood and then my introduction to motherhood-in-a-pandemic felt like a shock, it has ultimately led me on a healing journey to start to get to know myself, to notice my own light, and to lean on my people for support. I am still a work in progress, but I feel grateful to be on this path.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

I had Sawyer 4 days before our state shut down due to COVID-19. He came 5 weeks early, and in many ways that was fantastic timing on his part! I was thankful to be able to have my doula and husband with me during delivery. The most impactful way that COVID-19 initially affected me was that the postpartum support plan I had developed to help the postpartum period feel more manageable - and to help me get ahead of PPD/A again - mostly went completely out the window. Beyond that, it has been hard to not be able to share his first year with family and friends. One set of grandparents has only met him once. On a more positive end, I have grown closer to my partner over this past year as we have both navigated parenting in a pandemic together while also both working. It has been an opportunity to get to know more of our own quirks and needs as a couple and as a family. It has been oddly nice - and occasionally infuriating - to slow down, have fewer commitments, and to be able to spend so much time together. Mostly, though, I need to take things one day at a time.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I decided to participate in this movement and share my story after following this project for the last several years. I was in complete awe of the participants who were so confident to share their stories and share their bodies with the world. When Sawyer turned one, I decided that it was time for me to celebrate my growth over the past three years and to share my experience too. I am also in complete admiration of how ash has captured such an incredible array of pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting experiences. I think that pregnancy, postpartum, and parenthood are complex and transformative but too often the physical changes and emotional struggles are hidden away or glossed over. I hope that by being a part of this movement I can help to share with others that, even if it doesn’t look how you expected it to, the transformation is magnificent.

Carter Nickell

Carter Nickell (30 - they/them). Parent to Shiloh (9 mo - pictured) and Arti (9)

Maryland {Virtual session. Captured via CLOS}

“I experienced a chemical pregnancy when I was seventeen, which I have complicated feelings about that are difficult to express.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Going through pregnancy with my first child helped me realize a lot about my gender identity and perceptions of my body. I struggled with the size of my chest during and after my pregnancy, but I felt lucky that my body mostly remained the same as it did before pregnancy. When my child was a toddler, I came out as nonbinary. What’s interesting to me is that when I got pregnant again ten years later, I had a much different view on my body and pregnancy. I no longer saw it as a “feminine” process. I was easily able to accept the growth of my chest, the widening of my hips, and all the other changes I went through. I embraced the awesomeness of growing a tiny little being. While I plan to have top surgery when I’m done chestfeeding, I’m proud of my body for all it has accomplished for my children.

What was your postpartum experience?

I had a traumatic birth with my first baby, which led to a dreadful postpartum experience. I struggled to find emotional support and looking back, I barely remember the first 6 months of my first child’s life. When I got pregnant with my second child, I was determined to have a positive and healing birth experience. I spent a lot of time researching OBGYNs and midwives, considering home birth vs birthing center vs hospital birth. I ultimately had a wonderful and incredibly healing hospital birth with a midwife. My baby also easily chestfed right after giving birth, which I believe further helped my postpartum experience be better than with my first. Unfortunately, the pandemic ruined my opportunity to have a birth photographer and extra physical support during my recovery, which are things I still think about with great sadness as this is my last baby.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself and demand consent. Don’t be afraid to switch providers if your needs aren’t being met. You are strong even when you feel you are not. Asking for help is not weak. You can do hard things!

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

Because of past trauma from my teenage years, the pandemic was a huge trigger for me. I was six months pregnant when the country shut down, and I plummeted emotionally. I had to go back to therapy and go back on my medications, one of which has never been tested on pregnant people so I had fears about my baby’s safety. I struggled to accept that I would no longer have the physical and emotional support I knew I would need postpartum. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy trying to create new coping skills and outlets that would also be feasible with a newborn. I’m now nine months postpartum, and looking back, I would never choose to have a baby in the middle of a pandemic! Our bubble is small, and we are very strict with covid protocols. I feel like I’m not as great of a parent as I could be because of how the pandemic has negatively affected me, but I try to remind myself that I’m not alone in the struggle.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I want to normalize the ups and downs of pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting. I also want more representation for nonbinary gestational parents.

Kirsten Hagopian

Kirsten Hagopian (38 - she/her), Ella (7), Andrew (6), Sophie (15 months). Kirsten has participated twice before in Ann Arbor and Detroit. You can view her previous images and stories in our archives.

Michigan {Virtual photoshoot captured via CLOS}

“I have been pregnant 5 times, and have 3 children. The losses are very difficult for me to put into words. One by choice, one not. I was surprised to feel grief with these losses, but going through it helped me to get more educated about loss. It doesn't need to be taboo, and I hope people one day will no longer feel shame around their loss, chosen or not.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Each of my births has resulted in different feelings around my body. A mixture of depression and awe. Depressed for no longer fitting into the image forced on women, depressed that I hated looking in the mirror, and awe in the fact that I grew humans AND was able to breastfeed them. My second child was finally diagnosed with CP at the age of 3, suspected perinatal stroke (but will never know for certain). I spent a lot of time beating myself up over not protecting him when we shared a body, and even more, time beating myself up that it took 3 years to get a diagnosis. I understand now that this is just part of our story, and our path is ours for a reason. By my third baby, the depression was thankfully absent, and I only see someone who has earned their stripes. I've talked to so many birthing parents over the years and made it a point to be vulnerable in these conversations. Doing this showed me just how similar many of us feel after giving birth. I believe this played a tremendous role in me looking in the mirror right after surgery with mesh underwear on, a fresh new wound on my belly, brand new stretch marks, third baby at the breast, and smiling.

What was your postpartum experience?

3 C-sections later and I have finally accepted that there is nothing wrong with me for not being able to have a vaginal delivery. My first two labors resulted in hours of pushing followed by surgery. The pain of recovering from all the pushing on top of being cut open was more than I expected. With my third, I opted for a scheduled cesarean, and it was everything a C-section should be. I was able to have a clear drape and immediate skin to skin in the OR. I was asked for consent for everything instead of being told what was going to happen. I was able to breastfeed as soon as we left the OR, and have been going strong ever since. Recovery round three resulted in less need for the giant pads, but more pain meds. I had my tubes removed during my C-section and wonder if that caused the pain to be more significant this time. My husband was thankfully able to take a month off to help, and I was able to take 6 months total before returning to work full time.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

So many things I would love to tell myself before having my first baby. It's okay to not love everything about pregnancy, birthing, and parenting. Be gentle to yourself. When the unsolicited advice rolls your way speak up and tell that person you didn't ask their opinion. Parenting is not and will never be one size fits all, and there are many people who will try to make you feel like their way is "right". Be supportive of other parents even if you would choose to parent differently, and you will gain a beautiful tribe because of this.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

My third was born at the end of December 2019. Just 3 months into her life and the world was shut down. I miss the day-to-day freedom of life before Covid, and I get sad at times that she still has not met all of her family, but I would not change a thing. It's been wonderful to be home with her like this. I have the luxury of working from home for the foreseeable future, and I have not had to put her in daycare. My first two were in daycare at 12 weeks old, and I hated having to leave them so soon. Witnessing every milestone, really being able to soak up in her infant stage, it has been wonderful. Honestly, the hardest part of Covid has been navigating virtual school with my two oldest and missing out on the therapy for my CP child.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

How could I miss the chance to document the final babe, and maybe inspire other birthing parents to learn to love their story?! This project is so special, and I am honored to have been able to share again.