Lindsay (39 -she/her), S (4), and M (8 mo)
Ontario, Canada
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I never had a good body image. I've done some self-destructive things to myself out of self-loathing. Not just because of the shape of my body, but I have chronic conditions that mean my body just doesn't work the way I want it to, often at very inconvenient times. I had major flare-ups of my disease postpartum both times. But my children love my body, and my body allows me to experience this life that I love. Parenthood is teaching me to care for my body, to respect it and its needs, to give it balance so I can be there for my kids. I am learning to be at peace with my body and not to hold it to someone else's standards.
What was your postpartum experience?
My pregnancies and deliveries couldn't have been more different. With my first child, we lived in a small, isolated town. I had infertility issues. My concerns were swept aside as unimportant by my 'care' team, until 38 weeks, when I had to be induced due to preeclampsia. A painful failed induction, insensitive treatment from staff, a traumatic C-section, my son suddenly whisked off to the NICU, five days in hospital with no support - I felt broken when I finally got home. I spent most of the first year floundering internally while working hard to make my motherhood look perfect.
My second pregnancy was a surprise and a gift. We had moved to a new city. I had been very ill and felt like my body might not allow me to carry a child again, but I conceived within a month of recovering. My pregnancy was mostly healthy, but when I started to show signs of preeclampsia, we scheduled a C-section, again at 38 weeks. This time, my team made every effort to make me feel respected and included in the delivery. It was peaceful and comfortable, and I felt so healed. My daughter was tiny but healthy. I came home feeling confident and ready for the challenge of a new baby.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Becoming a parent is a gateway to a completely new world. I wish someone had told me how transformative it is. My son was almost two when I first heard the word "matrescence", and I began to understand what was happening to me. Adolescence is a gateway from childhood to adulthood, and we accept how grueling a change it can be, but I had never heard about the depth of the challenges I would face in becoming the mother I am today. I wish we had the words and rituals as a modern society to share what this transformation means with people when they're still pregnant so they wouldn't be so unprepared for their transformation.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
Both my pregnancy and postpartum experiences have been in isolation. With my first child, we lived so far away from our friends and families, and we didn't have a support network in our new town. It was just me and my husband, apart from infrequent visits. We moved to a city closer to our hometowns, and I was so excited to discover I was pregnant again. I was going to do all the things I missed the first time. We were going to announce the pregnancy in March 2020, but the world shut down literally three days before. We had to tell people over phone and video calls. Almost no one saw me while I was pregnant. We were lucky to deliver in the summer, while our town was at the safest it had been, but we came home and within days it was just us. I feel so fortunate to have a long maternity leave, but it's been very lonely. One of my oldest and dearest friends lives in the next town, and her children are almost identical in age to mine. We have seen each other maybe three times in a year, always outside, always two metres apart. We have never held each other's babies. This is my last baby, so when this pandemic relents I will grieve all the experiences I haven't had. I'm a different person now, and I wonder if my friends and family will understand it.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I will turn forty later this year, and my promise to myself in my new decade is to celebrate who I am and what I am doing right now, in this moment, even when it's messy and imperfect and scary, and not to wait until I get it 'right' before I allow myself to be proud of who I have become.