Sarah Gamble (32 - she/her), Caleb (5) Lucy (stillborn at 37 weeks- would be 2.5), and Jude (1.5)
Austin, TX
“I started my motherhood journey with a chemical pregnancy. I then got pregnant the next month. I found out I was miscarrying at 11 weeks and miscarried at home at 12 weeks. It was terrible but also special because we were able to burry it in the woods behind my house which I am still grateful for. Things took a turn a couple hours later and I started to bleed profusely. I was rushed to the hospital and had an emergency D&C. I got pregnant the next months (again) and had my son. 3 years later I went into labor with my daughter. I went into the birth center to get checked and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. She had died earlier in the day from a cord injury. She also had undetected IUGR.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I think there are days I still see women and feel envy but for the most part I am at peace with my body. I had IUGR with both my daughter and my youngest son. My body quite literally failed at growing my babies. I had a very difficult relationship with my body after having my daughter. Life postpartum without a baby to focus on was terrible. But my body has grown one healthy baby and has fed my two boys along with a donor recipient of the milk I made for Lucy. Like most things in life, it is messy. My body has betrayed me but it has also given me the most amazing gift. It’s almost like my relationship with my body is too deep and intense for me to really care about my chubby belly and wobbly thighs.
What was your postpartum experience?
With my first son it was all so new. I wish I had moved slower and mellowed out but I was 26 and pretty clueless. After my daughter was born, in so many ways I was a grieving mother, not a postpartum mom. I was planning a funeral, not taking herbal baths. Also, because my daughter was only 5 pounds, my physical recovery was quick. With my son, we knew he would be small and most likely be in the NICU. He was 5 pounds 1 ounce and I delivered him a year and two weeks after I had Lucy. My physical recovery was pretty easy. I hated being in the hospital but I knew this was not the worst case scenario. I’d lived that.
What is your truth?
Your body is worthy of love, no matter what.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I’ve followed 4th Trimester Body Project for years. It has really shaped the way I see my body. I think pages like this help counteract the saturation of conventional beauty. Now I’m saturated with real bodies and I love it. This is also a space that doesn’t shy away from the truth that babies die. That is still so rare. For many loss mothers, we don’t have many people in our lives who are marked by that kind of loss. Seeing women who have lived through a similar experience has brought me a lot of comfort.