Robin Desrosiers (36 - they/them). Parent to Michael Julien (13) and Mýa Renée (10)
Boston, MA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
My relationship with my body has always been complicated at best, fueled mostly by this self imposed antagonistic narrative. My earliest memories are of my body physically failing me, always in and out of the hospital , surgeries for one bizarre malfunction or another. Eventually as an adult I was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome type III (hypermobility) which explained a lot of what I had gone through. However up until that point I had always felt like a freak.
One thing my body was good at was being pregnant, I was one of those women who LOVED being pregnant. My son was a surprise, then fiancé – now husband was elated and I was terrified. When I became pregnant I had been off the pill for all of two weeks after a dr informed me that I’d probably have a hard time getting pregnant due to my history of endometriosis. My uneventful pregnancy turned into a nightmare labor and delivery. 17.5 hours of back labor, a baby that was “sunny side up”, erratic contractions and a cervix that didn’t want to dilate landed me in the OR with an emergency cesarean. Three years later I was fortunate to have a successful VBAC with my daughter.
What was your postpartum experience?
In my mind my cesarean was strike one. Then my milk never came in and I couldn’t breastfeed. Strike two. I felt like a failure because in my mind “I didn’t do it right”. I struggled horribly with the pain and postpartum depression. I would cry over things like thinking my brand new baby didn’t love me. I was too afraid to tell anyone because I didn’t want my baby to be taken away. As a new mother who felt like she couldn’t do anything right and had no idea what she was doing (even with an amazing partner), the thing I was most afraid of was having my baby taken from me so I kept the pain and struggle to myself.
The postpartum depression of my first pregnancy morphed into postpartum anxiety. Even though once again, my breastmilk never arrived , it didn’t bother me like the first time. I was far more concerned with someone taking my daughter, I would sleep in arms reach of my daughter because I was legitimately terrified that someone would break in and steal my baby girl. I had a hard time sleeping because I would lay awake next to her crib to make sure she was still in there and that she was ok.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, in order to be the best parent or care giver you must fight to love and accept your self because that is part of the foundation that your child will build THEIR own self worth on.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Having a complex medical history, including a traumatic hysterectomy at 31, really shook my self identity , it's hard to be piecing yourself together while still trying to care for tiny humans and learning to love and accept your self I feel will always be a life long journey for me. For those with invisible illnesses who don't feel like they have a voice, I hope I can share that space with you, because no one should feel alone or ashamed. For me, my scars (both physical and emotional) are a collection of battles I've won.