Erin Walser

Erin Walser (35), Harper (3), and William (1)

Buffalo, NY

“I am lucky that I haven’t had any pregnancy-related losses. I have been pregnant twice and I am grateful to have two happy and healthy children. The biggest loss I have experienced that does affect myself and my life as a parent is the loss of my mother. She died when I was 5 years old, when she was 35, unexpectedly. There have been so many times that I wished I could talk to her or that she was around to help me. Sometimes I feel sad that she’s not here to see her grandchildren, because I think she would absolutely love being a grandmother. I feel sad that my kids don’t have her in their lives because I know they would love her back a million times over. There are a lot of things that are challenging about being a parent, but being a motherless mother is by far the most difficult.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I have a genetic disorder called Polycystic Kidney Disease. I have known that I could have this disease from a very young age, because I had been told that my mother had this disease and it was genetic. At that time, it was not standard practice to screen for the disease in children unless there were other issues because there was no treatment beyond blood pressure management. Therefore, I was never screened and continued to avoid screening until well into my adulthood because I saw no reason to find out if I had a disease that had no treatment anyway.

Fast forward to 30, I am married and considering trying to conceive, and schedule a well woman visit at our local birthing center to establish myself as a patient and discuss options. Lo and behold, my blood pressure was slightly elevated and so my lovely doctor wanted me to get screened prior to trying to conceive because “kidney problems can get bad very quickly in pregnancy.” An ultrasound and CT scan and visit with a urologist confirmed that I have “innumerable renal and hepatic cysts.” Cue meltdown, and then referral to a nephrologist, who performed some other tests which determined that my kidney function was normal and I was not yet suffering any common complications from the disease. She told me there was no reason I could not have children and pregnancy was unlikely to deteriorate my condition.

So, I did, and showed up to my next pre-conception appointment with my OB on the first day of my missed period, just barely having conceived already. I was concerned that she would determine me too high risk for the birthing center and I would have to find a new doctor and navigate the stressors of the hospital. I had already chosen, for many reasons, to attempt an out of hospital birth, but my decision was firmed up even further with the diagnosis of PKD because I knew what was ahead of me later in my life – lots of treatment, medications, hospitals, dialysis and maybe even a kidney transplant. I wanted to avoid adding to my lifetime hospital days as much as possible.

My OB deferred to my nephrologist, who thought an out of hospital birth was fine as long as my kidney function remained normal and there were no other complications. I had regular monitoring with my nephrologist (and my blood pressure was never again elevated) and was lucky enough to have a thoroughly normal and complication-free pregnancy which culminated in a fairly straightforward birth at the birthing center. I am so grateful that even though there are many ways that my body has some issues and may not perform the way it is supposed to, this was one area in which it did.

Additionally, I had the emotional and physical support to allow my body just to birth a baby, without distraction from unneeded intervention. My second birth was more challenging in some ways, but objectively speaking it was another straightforward birth – and a water birth, which was amazing! I am so grateful for my body, for the things it has done and continues to do. I’m working on appreciating my body every day, while things still function properly and I do not yet have to live a medicalized existence.

What was your postpartum experience?

My postpartum journey was very different with each child. With Harper, I truly had no idea what was ahead of me. The first two weeks home were a blur of breastfeeding, naps, eating and the odd shower. It took months for me to truly bond with her. I was too busy just figuring out how to be a parent and take care of a newborn. I had read about it taking time to bond so it didn’t concern me, but it was just a major adjustment to go from being just myself to being the primary caregiver, and not to mention food source, of a brand new human. Even so, breastfeeding was one major parenting ‘win’ for me.

Things went relatively smoothly with both children and my husband is not just supportive of breastfeeding, but was invested in us having a successful breastfeeding experience due to some particular benefits that he personally feels strongly about. When Harper was born, he was the one texting with our lactation consultant, setting up appointments, and coordinating the pickup of some donor breast milk when we needed to supplement for a brief time. He kept me fed and my water bottle full for those early weeks, while I was in a daze of sleep deprivation and hormones. I honestly have no idea what would have happened if he wasn’t so on top of things. We had a strong foundation, and were able to maintain nursing Harper until she was almost 2 and I was several months pregnant and no longer able to tolerate it. William is still nursing with no plans to discontinue at this time.

I am still in awe of what my body has done and continues to do. I sustained the lives and growth of my babies not just for the 9 months they grew inside of me but for many, many months afterward (exclusively until they start eating other food). I am able to quickly and easily settle down my rambunctious son. Sometimes it feels truly amazing.

I was lucky enough to have a very long (in American terms) maternity leave, seven months, and was able to wait until I was ready to return to work rather than having to go back because my 6-12 weeks was up. My first day of work, I dropped my daughter off at daycare and then went home to get ready for work, and realized it was the first time I had been home alone since she was born. It was a surreal moment, as I was someone who had previously lived alone for years and was more than content spending large amounts of time by myself. With William, I felt bonded to him almost immediately. I didn’t have to learn how to take care of a newborn, or breastfeed, or figure out any of the new baby stuff. I guess my brain had more space to attach to him sooner, and attach we did since he barely went 1 hour between feeds for his entire first month of life. My husband had to return to work after 2 weeks and then we were mostly on our own during the day, William and Harper and me, and some days it was really hard. Being a stay at home parent (for my 5 months of maternity leave) did not come easily for me. Major kudos to the people that do this for years and years. I was sleep deprived, I never felt there was enough time in the day to do everything, and Harper was eating macaroni and cheese for almost every meal. Eventually, I went back to work, we fell into a routine, and things got easier. We almost never eat macaroni and cheese anymore. I am still sleep deprived. Some things never change.

Looking back, I’m not even entirely sure how I adjusted either time. I think I just put my head down and forged ahead, doing my best to just take care of what was needed each day. With William, I definitely had some sort of postpartum mood issues. I had intrusive thoughts about him falling on his head and dying. He sleeps on a floor bed in part because I still cannot get past the image of him climbing out of his crib and falling on his head. I did ultimately see a therapist, although by that time I think those issues had largely passed on their own. I think, for me, caring for babies is just hard. I weather the storm and start really enjoying things after the first year. Part of me wants to have another child, but part of me wonders if my family can get through another first year with a baby.

What is your truth?

My truth is that I am enough. Part of me worries every day that I am failing my children and my family in some way. We don’t read enough, they watch too many movies, they don’t eat enough vegetables, I dress them in stained (but clean!) clothes sometimes, I don’t bat an eye when they eat food that fell on the kitchen floor. I know deep down that I am good mother, my kids are loved and taken care of and the older one at least appears to be growing into a thoughtful, kind and smart child. I know these things don’t just happen by accident. I don’t believe they are growing this way despite my failings. I know they are growing and developing into beautiful people because of the things I (and my husband) do, the choices we make, and our efforts every day to be better for each other and for them.

My advice to new parents is that things won’t look like you thought they would, but they can be great in their own way. When I was 8 ½ months pregnant with Harper I imagined that in a few months I’d be sitting on my couch, with a perfectly neat home (I was on maternity leave, what else was I going to do!), wearing my skinny jeans and holding my baby with one arm and a glass of wine in the other hand, just loving life. That has not (yet) happened. Sometimes it is just hard, and you can’t wait for bedtime, and then they just won’t fall asleep already! It is okay to feel however it is you are feeling in the moment. You are not a bad parent for wishing your children would just go to sleep so that you can have some time for yourself, or for enjoying working rather than staying home, for not loving every moment. There are, and will be, many other moments to love and enjoy.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I have never been a person with a large “village.” I often don’t feel like I fit in with my family. I have a small handful of close friends and I don’t live near most of them. For the last couple of years, I have been trying to step out of my comfort zone and get involved with different groups in an effort to find some spaces that I belong outside of my own home. I have connected with a lot of great women through different groups, events and advocacy efforts in the holistic birth and parenting community in Buffalo. I think everyone’s voice and experience is valuable, and there is magic when we come together and share ourselves.